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Suspicions with Wife


The D Train

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I am not sure if it's because I came on this site last week and learned a great deal and it is in my mind now or my suspicions are valid. Sorry if long.

 

 

Some background:

 

 

1. Posted a thread last week about my very personable, life of the party wife who also drinks a lot. The combination of her friendly nature and drinking she sometimes put socializing ahead of me and family things. For example, will lose track of time if out with girl friends.

 

 

2. I am a 1000% confident she would never have an affair b/c she is a pretty religious person and very committed to me. Outside the work day (I work she doesn't) we are together 90% of the time. I just don't see how she would have opportunity to meet anyone. But others on here prolly said the same thing about their confidence level.

 

 

3. An ex gf has caused some big issues a couple times when dating & marriage. I haven't even see my ex gf in 15+ years or had any sort of relationship with my ex for 22 years. My wife had never had a serious bf before me and has self esteem issues. My wife is also concerned I am going to leave her someday. Again self esteem issues.

 

 

4. She has lost some weight recently and is feeling better about herself.

 

 

CLUES

 

 

1. About two weeks ago, I noticed a difference in her inter-actions with me on a few occasions. She is usually a strong willed and some say the more dominant personality in our marriage. She has been more accommodating to my wishes almost being submissive at times.

Very unlike her. Not all the time but it has been noticeable.

 

 

I thought this might be because I had done some google searches on wife's cheating while drinking, girls trips, etc and stupid me did it under her google sign in on my computer. Well those google searches show up on her phone (search history autofill) too since she is signed into her google account. I saw my searches on her phone when using it for something random. Although she didn't bring it up, it coincided with her acting different (more accommodating, less dominant). I dug around her actual google search activity on her phone and she never "re"-searched my searches on her phone if that makes sense. She doesn't shy away from confrontation and would normally bring something like that up in a heartbeat so I am 90% confident she didn't see my google searches. So why the change in behavior?

 

 

2. After a work event on Saturday we went to a bar we go to occasionally. We are normally there during happy hour for a drink and bite to eat. Crowd is tame for happy hour. This bar turns into a 40-something dance club, cougar hang out, meat market after 10 PM on Friday & Saturdays. We were there Sat & it was packed with 40-somethings drinking, having fun and some on the prowl. It was good people watching. We had a couple beers each and decided on another round when my wife said she wants to go home. She has NEVER been the one to want to leave before me. She is always saying one more drink and I have to drag her away from a bar, party etc. We head home.

 

 

3. The next morning I see a text on her phone from a number I don't recognize (no name, just number). It said "I C U" and it was when we were at this bar the night before. She did not have her phone on her at the bar so she didn't see the text. I began to get curious considering items 1 and 2 above.

 

 

4. I look on her phone and found out she was at this same bar on Thursday for a drink with a girl friend and my wife didn't tell me about going. This is all via texts with the friend. The friend is a stand up girl.

 

 

6. I look at her FB and she had added a guy on Jan 10 I didn't recognize. We obviously know many of the same people from church, kids school, kids sports, relatives etc aside from high school friends (we grew up in different parts of the country). This guy lives near us and I would say is very remotely connected to our social groups. I am not sure how she would have met him or talked to him to be in a position to FB friend request him.

 

 

I began to stew that maybe she met this FB guy or maybe someone else and then began feeling guilty and changed her behavior towards me these last couple weeks in being more submissive, accommodating.

 

 

Is she doing this b/c my ex gf had caused issues with us in the past and she wants to turn the tables or show that I shouldn't take her for granted?

 

 

Did she see meet this guy when she went to this same bar on Thursday and didn't tell me she was going? Again she was going with a girlfriend according to the texts.

 

 

Did she see him when we were at this same bar on Saturday and that's why she wanted to leave, almost abruptly?

 

 

Did he send her the text "ICU" (text arrived when we were at this bar)?

 

 

I called the number today but it had a generic voice mail greeting and said mail box is full.

 

 

Do you think there's smoke there? Any trick to see look up phone number? Any other advice?

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You're walking on shaky ground here.

 

Its possible that she has been doing something she shouldn't, but you've decided to violate her privacy by snooping on her.

 

She's innocent until proven guilty, but you're guilty by admission.

 

Advice?

 

Stop snooping and talk with your wife.

 

 

Take care.

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Trust your gut, keylogger time. It always starts the same way.

 

What is that? I did figure out a way to see all her google search activity but she could always search outside of google account.

 

 

I think I am over reacting. I would be extremely shocked if she would do this to me knowing her.

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You're walking on shaky ground here.

 

Its possible that she has been doing something she shouldn't, but you've decided to violate her privacy by snooping on her.

 

We use each other's phones all the time, for calling texting looking at FB, etc. They are pretty much inter changeable.

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What is that? I did figure out a way to see all her google search activity but she could always search outside of google account.

 

 

I think I am over reacting. *I would be extremely shocked if she would do this to me knowing her.

 

*Hold that thought.

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We use each other's phones all the time, for calling texting looking at FB, etc. They are pretty much inter changeable.

 

I accept that, but I still think you're snooping.

 

Talk to her.

 

Talk is better than supposition.

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We use each other's phones all the time, for calling texting looking at FB, etc. They are pretty much inter changeable.

 

 

Well that's important to know. We hear so many stories of women (and men) hiding their phones or constantly having their phones hidden in purses, password-locked, etc.

 

 

I hardly think your wife would be starting some sort of affair, complete with texts, fully knowing that you enjoy such free access to her phone.

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Also I should point out that I am the only guy my wife has ever been with.

With her weight loss this and being in mid-life do you think she is trying to see what is out there? See what it is like with another guy?

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I am always a huge adbvocate of talking things out. Tell your wife what you saw and how you are interpreting things. Tell her of your concerns. This will have a positive impact. If she is allowing herself to be drawn into an affair, this could be the wake up call she needs. If not, she can ease yoir concern somewhat. Lastly, if you have this talk, and then she goes ahead and cheats anyway, you'll have the upper hand and can divorce her knowing that she specifically disregarded your concerns. In your talk, make it a good chance to talk about your marriage and how it can be made even better. Talk about sex and what her needs are. Make her feel good about things and follow through.

 

Can you guys find meaningful hobbies that don't require drinking and bar hoping? Seriously, you guys are married. GNO and meeting friends at bars is a singles activity.

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I've read your other posts.

 

IMO, your looking for reasons to have problems with your wife. You're asking about alternative lifestyle resorts, how you have regrets but don't know about a divorce, then not wanting her to go to Vegas & now "you don't trust her" yet also saying she's never have an A.

 

Like I said before, you're all over the place. Why don't you figure what's going on with yourself instead of putting it all on your wife.

 

Also, I think you're not trusting her bc you don't trust yourself.

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I've read your other posts.

 

IMO, your looking for reasons to have problems with your wife. You're asking about alternative lifestyle resorts, how you have regrets but don't know about a divorce, then not wanting her to go to Vegas & now "you don't trust her" yet also saying she's never have an A.

 

Like I said before, you're all over the place. Why don't you figure what's going on with yourself instead of putting it all on your wife.

 

Also, I think you're not trusting her bc you don't trust yourself.

 

Yes all over the board but some marriages & relationships are bi-polar and all over the board. Some days are wonderful (best friends, great sex, go to alternative resort, etc) and some are not (past gf issues, weight issues, alcohol issues, etc). Sorry it is complicated.

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Yes all over the board but some marriages & relationships are bi-polar and all over the board. Some days are wonderful (best friends, great sex, go to alternative resort, etc) and some are not (past gf issues, weight issues, alcohol issues, etc). Sorry it is complicated.

 

Marriage is up & down but it should never be looking for reasons not to trust your spouse bc you don't trust yourself.

 

If you want an alternative life style & it's ok to be that way on vacation, no one is going to understand "I don't trust my wife" you're getting back what you're putting in. If Monday its ok to be "open" in your marriage, don't get upset if she thinks it's ok on Friday.

 

Get yourself together, you seem to be the spouse with issues, not her.

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You can do a reverse look up on-line for the owner of that number. It might cost you a couple of dollars, but at least you'll know.

 

 

You can also get some voice activated recorders (VAR's). Place one VAR somewhere hidden in the house in a room where you know she does most of her talking on the phone. Then, go to the hardware store and by some heavy duty Velcro. Use the Velcro on another VAR and place it under the driver's side seat. You can catch who's she's talking to on the phone and HOW she's talking to them.

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You can do a reverse look up on-line for the owner of that number. It might cost you a couple of dollars, but at least you'll know.

 

 

You can also get some voice activated recorders (VAR's). Place one VAR somewhere hidden in the house in a room where you know she does most of her talking on the phone. Then, go to the hardware store and by some heavy duty Velcro. Use the Velcro on another VAR and place it under the driver's side seat. You can catch who's she's talking to on the phone and HOW she's talking to them.

 

Thanks - I just set up a google phone number and texted the number who texted her. I took a gamble and used the first name of the random guy she added on FB. No response yet.

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Truth be told if I didn't snoop my wifes week long afair might have gone longer and been more serious and caused more issues.

 

My wife is just bad at hiding stuff, I knew something was wrong and I noticed her protecting her phone and spending a lot more time in our bedroom...I assumed texting.

 

I confronted her and it came out. She can't lie to me, at least effectively. I put a stop to the affair by telling her that if there was any chance to save our marriage she would text him immediatly and tell him she is married and it was over. She did and I got his number from her phone. I texted him and warned him against any further texts to my wife.

 

To skip forward a couple weeks we have an appt with a marriage counselor. I have listened to her issues with our relationship and I am working on the changes STAT. She in turn is doing what she can to ease my anxiety. LOL tonight she was late getting back from work so she took a picture of the time clock and sent it to me. She will be home about 30 minutes from the time on the clock.

 

I don't think it would have gone this well if she had formed any emotional attachment to the dude....

 

Also I recognize that she is truely going through a mid life crisis and we have had huge amounts of emotional strain with our daughter.....i broke down two years ago (no affair but I wanted to leave) and now is her turn.

 

I can forgive her but it will be work.

 

I am glad I snooped.

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Try entering the number on FB search. Or you could try

Namefromphone.com, it's free and works 50% of the time.

 

 

FB search worked for me

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Go online and check your phonebill. You can usually download the data and sort.

 

Look for a lot of calls/texts to a specific number.

 

Your gut is usually right.

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I think I am over reacting. I would be extremely shocked if she would do this to me knowing her.

 

famous last words. Happens all the time.

 

Do a deleted text recovery on the phone if you're smart. If it's nothing you at least know.

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I'd advise against talking, confronting, or anything of that matter to your wife (at least in regards to cheating/affair) unless you have proof of her actually cheating on you. Otherwise she's just going to be more careful about covering up what she's doing. Never tip your hand prematurely.

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You're walking on shaky ground here.

 

Its possible that she has been doing something she shouldn't, but you've decided to violate her privacy by snooping on her.

 

She's innocent until proven guilty, but you're guilty by admission.

 

Advice?

 

Stop snooping and talk with your wife.

 

 

Take care.

 

While he's talking, should he tell her he's on Ashley Madison?

 

Honestly, if you want to have a midlife crisis and an affair, OP, do it. But let your wife decide first if she wants to hang around for it.

 

Married for 15 years and don't know that anal play doesn't really mean she wants another man? I don't buy it. You're looking for every excuse in the book. Just stop.

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Well that's important to know. We hear so many stories of women (and men) hiding their phones or constantly having their phones hidden in purses, password-locked, etc.

 

 

I hardly think your wife would be starting some sort of affair, complete with texts, fully knowing that you enjoy such free access to her phone.

 

 

unless she's got another phone.

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famous last words. Happens all the time.

This is absolutely correct. I don't think there's a betrayed spouse on this EARTH who didn't utter the same exact thing about how their spouse would never cheat on them.

 

 

Secondly, everyone is telling you how you have nothing to go on and you're looking for stuff that isn't there.

 

Sorry, but a strange text simply saying, "I C U" isn't nothing. Nor is a brand new male friend on FB - who the OP's wife has NEVER mentioned once to him - nothing.

 

Where there's smoke, there's usually fire OP.

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