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So Now I'm a Detective....


TexasMade

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Due to two highly suspicious incidents within the last year, involving text messages and facebook messages, I have been carefully watching & monitoring what my husband is doing. He's not very tech-savvy so it's pretty easy to track him using Find my Iphone and to have his text messages forwarded to my iPad. He is always where he says he's going to be. So that's good. But it's the texting that I'm worried about.

Tonight I'm out of town at my sister's, and he sent a text to someone saying, Come read to me. There was no response, so the next text was Hello? And that was it.

The number he sent it to has never been on his phone bill before. It's not in his contacts. I've searched online for the number---can't find who it belongs to.

Ok, so--come read to me? WTF does that even mean? And who would it be? And why would that be his first text to them?

You know, sometimes I feel like just leaving because it's too much pressure to worry and be suspicious. I just want to say f*** it & walk away. I thought I had a good one, totally devoted to me and faithful. We were friends for 10 years and had the strongest bond as friends. Never would have suspected he'd be a shady mf'er. :(

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Due to two highly suspicious incidents within the last year, involving text messages and facebook messages, I have been carefully watching & monitoring what my husband is doing. He's not very tech-savvy so it's pretty easy to track him using Find my Iphone and to have his text messages forwarded to my iPad. He is always where he says he's going to be. So that's good. But it's the texting that I'm worried about.

Tonight I'm out of town at my sister's, and he sent a text to someone saying, Come read to me. There was no response, so the next text was Hello? And that was it.

The number he sent it to has never been on his phone bill before. It's not in his contacts. I've searched online for the number---can't find who it belongs to.

Ok, so--come read to me? WTF does that even mean? And who would it be? And why would that be his first text to them?

You know, sometimes I feel like just leaving because it's too much pressure to worry and be suspicious. I just want to say f*** it & walk away. I thought I had a good one, totally devoted to me and faithful. We were friends for 10 years and had the strongest bond as friends. Never would have suspected he'd be a shady mf'er. :(

 

May I ask what the suspicious incidences are that have made you feel hypervigilent?

 

It does seem quite an odd and random message to send but there might actually be more to it that turns out to be inocuous.

 

However, our instincts don't generally let us down do they?

 

It must leave you feeling quite horrid.

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If you are not yet invested then leave. It't not healthy for you to have this doubts all the time.

 

My take on this:

 

It's CODE WORD.

 

"Read" might mean, "SLEEP/SEX" so just in case you pick up his phone by happenstance then you won't be that suspicious. Ugh, very easy to crack.

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"Come read to me." could mean exactly what it sounds like it means. He may have a woman that he literally wants to come read to him. My DH and his ex used to lay in bed together and they'd read the same book or she would read to him. It was their cuddle time, pre or post sex.

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I would also like to know what lead you to be a detective. Has he cheated on you or has betrayed you in some way ?

 

Did you run a "paid" search of the phone number? Many sites will do this for you. It does sound very suspicious

 

For some of us who have been betrayed - well being a spy is something that becomes part of the marriage for a while afterwards.

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Did you speak to him? Right now the only one I see being "shady" is you. You're stalking your own husband for a year? That's creepy.

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Yes, you haven't posted enough information although "Come read to me" - no polite lead-ins, no 'if you have time' - saying something so non-ordinary, that's all extremely suspect right there. But it would be clearer knowing what the "two highly suspicious incidents" were as well. Can you explain?

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Also, I DON'T suggest you go to him and ask. It's suspicious. It just is. And if he's clearly speaking in code, which he probably is, he's good at hiding a lot more. So approaching him honestly will simply put him on alert and he'll go further underground.

 

On the other hand, a year is a helluva long time to be living this way!! You need to get the information asap and get yourself out of this awful state of doubt.

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I would also like to know what lead you to be a detective. Has he cheated on you or has betrayed you in some way ?

 

Did you run a "paid" search of the phone number? Many sites will do this for you. It does sound very suspicious

 

For some of us who have been betrayed - well being a spy is something that becomes part of the marriage for a while afterwards.

 

No, I have not run a paid search. I just looked in all his phone bills, which I have downloaded & saved on my computer. I looked at the current bill which is online w/ Verizon. Then I googled it & looked on Facebook. Nothing.

Now, as far as what he's done in the past---both had to do with an ex (two different ones). One was questionable, could have been innocent, could have been more, I'll never know. The other was very cut & dry, highly inappropriate. I think the only reason nothing happened is because SHE didn't respond. Of course, he had a thousand excuses.

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Yes, you haven't posted enough information although "Come read to me" - no polite lead-ins, no 'if you have time' - saying something so non-ordinary, that's all extremely suspect right there. But it would be clearer knowing what the "two highly suspicious incidents" were as well. Can you explain?

 

I hate to go into detail because I'm paranoid that either of the women might be on this site & recognize themselves! Dumb, I know. But I know he's not here! I explained a little in another post. With one ex, he texted her something extremely graphic & when I confronted him, he said he was drunk (he was, I remember that night) and blah blah, all the usual bullsh*t that men say to get out of trouble. I know they aren't seeing each other. But I've been watchful & double-checking.

The other was a facebook message to another ex, and it could have just as easily been innocent as it could have been something more. He's never told me why they broke up but she has nothing but vile things to say to him, I've read her messages & emails to him. She's now blocked him from just about everything. So I'm not worried about her, but of course---always double-checking.

And why??? because of those stupid messages and the fact that I would have NEVER expected him to do that. So shocking to me & now I just don't know if I should trust anything.

So now I can't imagine what "come read to me" means. I wonder--did he meet someone at a restaurant & she said suggestively she'd like to read him a bedtime story? He only went to a restaurant, not a bar, not a topless place, nothing like that.

But the fact that there was no response---did she give him a fake number? Did he type it wrong?

All this senseless stressing over dumb stuff is taking it's toll, that's why I sometimes want to walk away.

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Call the number, or use spydialer. See who answers.

 

Hmmm I'll have to check into spydialer. I'm afraid to call just yet, Idon't want anyone to be on high alert.

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This is NO way to live your life. No one should have to live with that level of anxiety and stress day in and day out.

 

Either get intense marriage counseling or go your own separate ways. There is no other healthy option for you.

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When you go searching the outcome may not be good. You say he is dishonest and so are you by spying on him without his knowledge. One is no better than the other. I say when you go looking you may not like what you find. Serves you right. Now that you are on alert and playing detective you won't ever have any peace. So now you are going to have to S or get off the pot.

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ShatteredLady

How much time do you have invested in this relationship? Do you have children? Obviously the answers to these questions make all the difference.

 

I've been in your situation (except my H is a super computer geek) it's insanity!! The stress & anxiety is terrible. No way to live! I'm not sure I could take a whole year of this nonsense! It must of taken an extremely distructive tole on your relationship. I'm so sorry.

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Mrs. John Adams

I guess I live in a different world...but have you thought about just asking your spouse instead of wondering and investigating and experiencing all this anxiety? I mean...don't you think confronting is probably a good way to find out something?

 

I think if you want to know something you ask first...and investigate if the answer is not satisfactory.

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One thing I learned from my first marriage is that the other women are NEVER the problem. The wayward husband is. It doesn't matter if one ex cussed him out 6 ways to Sunday, blocked him, and isn't interested in him. The problem is that HE was interested in HER. Her reply isn't as important as the fact that he tried.

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When it comes to a gut feeling about a cheating partner - NEVER - EVER - "just talk to them about it" or "go to marriage counseling". What....a cheating partner is going to fess up with out any hard evidence ?

 

Spyware on the home computer, the website intelius for phone lookups, and more investigation methods. Heck a Private detective will find out for sure if you got the money.

 

Most times when you have reason (gut, or instances of contact to ex) there is something going on.

 

But in your case he already sent some disgusting text message to an ex when he was "Drunk"? Ya you got justifications.

 

Get all the information you can. If you find details, then decide what to do next. If you find nothing - well then you can go to therapy by yourself for your mistrust issues.

Edited by dichotomy
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When it comes to a gut feeling about a cheating partner - NEVER - EVER - "just talk to them about it" or "go to marriage counseling". What....a cheating partner is going to fess up with out any hard evidence ?

 

Spyware on the home computer, the website intelius for phone lookups, and more investigation methods. Heck a Private detective will find out for sure if you got the money.

 

Most times when you have reason (gut, or instances of contact to ex) there is something going on.

 

But in your case he already sent some disgusting text message to an ex when he was "Drunk"? Ya you got justifications.

 

Get all the information you can. If you find details, then decide what to do next. If you find nothing - well then you can go to therapy by yourself for your mistrust issues.

 

If there are children involved, marriage counseling should be a consideration.

 

The counseling should focus on the 2 previous incidents that apparently he fessed up to already as well as current trust issues. It will only work if BOTH partners want to save their marriage and are willing to work on it. If he does not want to work on it, obviously the counseling will be pointless.

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Mrs. John Adams

and sometimes when confronted....people do confess without any hard evidence

 

and sometimes people just confess on their own without any prompting whatsoever

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If there are children involved, marriage counseling should be a consideration.

 

The counseling should focus on the 2 previous incidents that apparently he fessed up to already as well as current trust issues. It will only work if BOTH partners want to save their marriage and are willing to work on it. If he does not want to work on it, obviously the counseling will be pointless.

 

From the way I read it, he didn't fess up to anything his wife couldn't prove and he made excuses for those actions instead of accepting responsibility or demonstrating real remorse.

 

And why should a couple go to counseling just because they have children together? If infidelity is a dealbreaker, having kids and a counselor won't change that.

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ShatteredLady

If is been so suspicious of my husband when we were first together, first living together, first married I would of been out of there!! I've never been paranoid or insecure without very good reason.

 

I truly believe that people can grow & change with lots of dedication & work. I consider the early days the honeymoon phase. Things should be blissful & perfect. If a partner is exhibiting all kinds of shady behavior at that stage it's more than a red flag, it's time to start again.

 

If you've been married for a time, true commitments & have children then I'm all for working through things. That's what marriage vows are all about.

 

I understand the logic of a lot of advise here but to be honest, I kept quiet & snooped, investigated & stayed 'cool' for less than 24 hours before I directly confronted. It's not in my nature to put on an act & pretend everything's hunky dory when my heart is breaking.

 

I've been with my husband for 26 years. I'm used to partnership, openness & sharing. When I believed our relationship felt 'wrong' I couldn't keep quiet.

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