4 Years after finding out about Spouses affair

[dontknowwhattothink]

Ok so, I posted here some time in 2011 explaining that I think I found out about my wife's affair. Well, wanted to update you all and share somethings that I am doing that are stupid...and needs to stop.

 

 

While we were dating I had a friend drive 2 hours to tell me she was having sex with a mutual friend. It wasn't a trustworthy source but she was confronted and she denied everything. Got married a few years later.

 

Ok, in 2008 it was our first year of being married we had a 5 month old and she went out of town with him on our anniversary weekend to be with her parents. I didn't go for some reason I can't really remember. Fast forward to 2011 now. In 2011 I figured out that she had been involved with a guy 3 years younger than her. When confronted she only admitted to "making out" with him despite my friends telling me she had sex with him. Obviously, back then I chose to trust my wife and mother of my 2 children at that point and went to counseling etc and tried to reconcile.

 

So, a few things about this. I was still broken over this. She was saying one thing and others are telling me different, the counseling didn't really help with that and this NEVER got resolved. What this translated to is I didn't trust her. So, naturally I became a big jerk to her subconsciously. I didn't mean to but I did. The combination of guy from when we were dating and this one took a big toll on me and I didn't treat her well in hindsight.

 

So, most recently, in October of this year she stayed out with a friend till 4a. This is fine except I text/called her a few times and she never responded. Not really all that bad but then on Tuesdays and Thursdays she all of a sudden couldn't get home from work until 3-4 hours later than normal. I talked with a friend and he said something was not right. He just confirmed what I was already thinking....so I looked in the phone records. On a Thursday a new phone number appeared out of nowhere and it all of a sudden had received over 2000 texts in a matter of 5 days. I called the number from a blocked number it went to voicemail saying "Hi this is __ leave a message" it was a male. So, I started looking around the house, I found her bag she took to her friends house that night and she hadn't cleaned it out yet. I found perfume and lingerie and my heart just plain sank. I was done. I did remember she had said she and her friend were watching a movie and having a "pajama" party. So, this peaked my interest. I looked into the phone records again. The night of that party, she was texting with the friend that she was SUPPOSED to be with all night. Completely ignored my texts but was texting her friend all night...what person texts someone in the same room with them for 3 hours. So, I knew something was very wrong.

 

Now here is stupid thing number 1 I did that I regret. My wife and I have sex like once a month. Been like that for awhile, we have 3 kids and stressful jobs. It had been about a month. So, I decided I wanted to see if she would have sex with me on a Tuesday (a night she's been getting home late). So she came home late as was her usual practice and then I put the moves on her and she very reluctantly allowed us to have sex. As we started I asked "should I wear a condom" and she said yes because she's not on the pill and wasn't sure about her cycle. Well, when we got started she was in a lot of pain down there. (she was raw from screwing the other guy not 2 hours prior come to find out) That was something that hit the final nail in the coffin and I knew something was wrong.

 

I'm going to skip the details of the confrontation the next day. She at first denied everything but I presented my evidence and she broke down and said yes, she was having an affair and wanted a divorce prior to it and it was just bad timing. Blah blah blah.

 

So after about 2-3 weeks I was going nuts and getting settled into a new normal. We are still living together because of the kids and financials. She goes out on Tuesday and Thursday every week and then every other weekend she spends the weekend at her boyfriends.

 

So here is the most stupid thing I did and I am sharing it so no one else does it. I got horny. I didn't want to go out and find sex on the street because of how unsafe it is. So, I asked my soon to be ex how serious her BF was and she said not too serious, might just be a fling. I asked her if she would mind being a friends with benefits situation with me to which she replied in the affirmative (she loves having sex with me but is emotionally detached). So, all this is in text messages so as to protect myself from getting accused.

 

Anyways, we agreed to once a month having a meeting but it'd be strictly sex and no emotions etc. Well, the first time happens no issue. It was boring as hell but it happened. Well, then she decides she wants to change a night out to go see him and asks if that's ok and as a joke I said something like "well, that will cost you a FWB visit sooner than one month" and she shrugged and said, yea sure that's fine. She then goes on and on about how it's getting serious with her new bf and how we might not be able to do the FWB thing much longer etc.

 

Anyways, I also find out about how at some point (not clear and I don't care anymore) she made out with her friend's brother and he described kissing her neck and smelling the top of her head and missing those smells. To me that means they had sex too. When asked about this the next day there was yelling and throwing of stuff (I think she was sleeping with the 3 of us and her main BF has no clue) From the messages I read she broke this off immediately with the 3rd guy.

 

 

Oh, almost forgot. That guy she "only made out with" in 2008. She is now admitting to having sex with. Horrible couldn't really get it up sex supposedly but they did have sex.

 

 

Here's my point in all this. I feel like this was set up for failure from the beginning. She cheated on me while we were dating and didn't own up to it. Then her second time, she never owned up to it. Had she owned up to it I'd have had the whole truth and had been able to heal without the "what if" going on that was blocking any growth. I blame her for making me treat her poorly. I fell that if I had known everything I'd have been able to separate from her and no longer hurt her or heal properly and have a healthy marriage and not causing her to hate me and get into trouble.

[katielee]

" I blame her for making me treat her poorly." So, you have no control over your own actions? You have both made choices you need to own. You didn't make Her cheat. She didn't make you behave like a jerk.

However, she has cheated several times and I think, doesnt want to be in a relationship with you. She has told you who she is, believe her.

Stop having sex with your wife, someone you allow to have a boyfriend.

This is all kind of screwed up. Sorry you are going through this but I thinknyou need to kick her out and work on yourself..

[minimariah]

so wait...

 

who is taking care of your kids while she is out & away on weekends? you...?

 

start saving up, file for a divorce and seek primary custody IF she keeps passing the kids around to someone else while she's out having a blast.

[dontknowwhattothink]

" I blame her for making me treat her poorly." So, you have no control over your own actions? You have both made choices you need to own. You didn't make Her cheat. She didn't make you behave like a jerk.

However, she has cheated several times and I think, doesnt want to be in a relationship with you. She has told you who she is, believe her.

Stop having sex with your wife, someone you allow to have a boyfriend.

This is all kind of screwed up. Sorry you are going through this but I thinknyou need to kick her out and work on yourself..

 

Yes, very screwed up. I don't necessarily allow her to have a boyfriend as we are done with our romantic interest for each other however we do have a lust for each other still. I posted this to hopefully show what goes on in people's heads and I know I am wrong to do what I've done. Trust trying to show others what NOT to do.

[dontknowwhattothink]

so wait...

 

who is taking care of your kids while she is out & away on weekends? you...?

 

start saving up, file for a divorce and seek primary custody IF she keeps passing the kids around to someone else while she's out having a blast.

 

 

Yes, I am taking care of the kids. And I have already filed for divorce. Every instance gets documented and filed away with my attorney. Believe me, there's times when she is supposed to be watching the kids and she'll pass them on to someone else. I'll come home from whatever it is I'm doing and no one is home and I have to call her to figure out where my kids are.

[Marc878]

You are in the mode of taking what life gives you rather than making life what you want.

 

Unless you change that you are going to get more of the same.

[Buckeye2]

DNA your kids. You can get a kit at almost any drug store. Also WalMart and Amazon.

[Friskyone4u]

Don't beat yourself up. You know you made a lot of mistakes from the gitgo. Can't reverse those. But do not make any more

 

Get her out of your life and get out of this cuckold relationship she has had you in. You can do better.

 

By the way, your putting up with for the sex is not unusual. One of the main reasons a lot of guys stick around knowing they are getting cheated on is becasuse a mans primary need in a relationship is sex according to most of the books and if circumstances preclude you from having the time or ability to get it, many men swallow their pride rather than do without.,

 

If you go to a polyamory website you will see loads of ladies having multiple boyfriends who initiated the open marriage. Their husbands are miserable but put up with it because they just do not want the hassle of chasing women for sex again.

 

Hang in there

[drifter777]

What are you looking to get from us?

[sandylee1]

Stop sleeping with her.

I agree you should DNA test the kids.

I can't believe lust that only leads to once a month sex.

 

It's been once a month with you and more with other men for her.

 

STD yourself.

 

I think you didn't want to believe she was cheating and rug swept .... why would your friend have driven 2 hours if they weren't sure. Cheaters lie... you should have delved deeper.

 

Right now she has no respect for you. I think you should get your needs met elsewhere as the marriage is effectively over. I just don't get why you don't respect yourself enough to find some anger, instead of having sex with your serial cheating wife. If she'd been honest you could have decided whether or not to marry her. ....she took the choice away from her.

 

Good luck with the divorce and with finding a faithful woman.

[dontknowwhattothink]

DNA your kids. You can get a kit at almost any drug store. Also WalMart and Amazon.

 

Already done and they're all mine.

[dontknowwhattothink]

Stop sleeping with her.

I agree you should DNA test the kids.

I can't believe lust that only leads to once a month sex.

 

It's been once a month with you and more with other men for her.

 

STD yourself.

 

I think you didn't want to believe she was cheating and rug swept .... why would your friend have driven 2 hours if they weren't sure. Cheaters lie... you should have delved deeper.

 

Right now she has no respect for you. I think you should get your needs met elsewhere as the marriage is effectively over. I just don't get why you don't respect yourself enough to find some anger, instead of having sex with your serial cheating wife. If she'd been honest you could have decided whether or not to marry her. ....she took the choice away from her.

 

Good luck with the divorce and with finding a faithful woman.

 

STD done, and nothing coming up.

 

Anger stage is over at this point. Moving into searching for a new normal. I don't have time to be angry, I have a career and 3 kids, I need to be level headed and take care of business.

 

Sex with her stopped as of the OP. Will be going in for another STD check because of this.

 

 

 

Finding a faithful woman will be tough but they're out there.

[dontknowwhattothink]

What are you looking to get from us?

 

 

Um...nothing. Shared my story so maybe someone will read it and not make the mistakes I did.

[aliveagain]

Best thing you can do for yourself is get yourself as far away from this situation as you can. Protect your children. Most O/M don't want the baggage, your wife has a lot of baggage. Read up on the 180 and follow it, don't be her friend, don't finance her affair, and stop making it easy for her. Take yourself out of infidelity for your own wellbeing.

[gettingstronger]

She is having lots of sex, you are not- change that- find real companionship-its a big world, go get it!

[bubbaganoosh]

If ti's me and she wants to go out and get laid when she wants to, then hand her some suitcases and tell her not to come back.

 

Not bad enough she cheated on you but now she's going out, having sex and coming back to the house. Hell no. Let her know she can't have it both ways.

[S2B]

Um...nothing. Shared my story so maybe someone will read it and not make the mistakes I did.

 

It's good that you want to show others what not to do...

 

But what are you taking action on now to change this situation for yourself?

[dontknowwhattothink]

It's good that you want to show others what not to do...

 

But what are you taking action on now to change this situation for yourself?

 

We are financially not able to move out. We have 3 kids and we want them to live in the place we live in now until the divorce is final. (I filed Nov 24). So.....as far as where to live I am thinking about making a schedule with her for who has the kids and when I don't have the kids staying with a friend or family member. The problem is we only have one vehicle since I work from home so it is hard to figure out how to get me around town without a car. It's just a bad situation for leaving the house. Right now we are both going to get familiar with the couch and switch nights on the couch.

[cgiles]

First stop to be her babysitter.

 

Plan a thing every week for those 2 days. Go to cinema, view friends, get a new hobby out of home like cooking lessons, dancing lesson.

 

Hit the gym. Improve yourself physically, become more attractive.

 

And apply the 180 lists, it will be your new best friend : The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

[S2B]

Um...nothing. Shared my story so maybe someone will read it and not make the mistakes I did.

 

Ok. You now have a chance to change things from here moving forward!

 

Most people:

 

When they state perfectly well that they've done things backwards - they begin to realize that they should DO opposite now and moving forward in order to get a new result/ outcome.

 

Leave things the same and you will get more of the same.

 

Change must come from you.

 

Volunteering to continue the victim role is never attractive. Start changing things. Start taking charge of your life. No more being her doormat.

[dontknowwhattothink]

First stop to be her babysitter.

 

Plan a thing every week for those 2 days. Go to cinema, view friends, get a new hobby out of home like cooking lessons, dancing lesson.

 

Hit the gym. Improve yourself physically, become more attractive.

 

And apply the 180 lists, it will be your new best friend : The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

 

 

 

Babysitter: Yea, I just emailed my attorney about setting up a temporary custody agreement

 

Plan things to do: I'm pretty busy with my hobbies, that's not a problem on weekends. It's the weeknights that I need something to do when it's not my night with the kids.

 

Hit the gym: That's funny. I've hit the gym since March 2015 and lost 60+ pounds and I am the most fit I've been since we started dating. I will continue to do this.

 

I'll look into the 180 thing, thank you.

[Mr Blunt]

Use your pain to push you to improve yourself in every way that you can.

You can come out better if you stick to improving yourself for years. Your children will need you because your wife seems to not be dedicated to them like a good mother does.

 

I hope that you never compromise yourself like you did by allowing yourself and two other men to have sex with your wife. That must have reduced your self respect.

 

The sooner you get your wife completely out of your mind and emotions the sooner you will get a LOT better.

[merrmeade]

ARE you in pain? What are you feeling right now? I really can't tell.

[Just a Guy]

Merrmeade, I don't think the OP is in pain now. His posts don't indicate as much. He probably has reconciled to the situation and any love he may have had for his wife seems long gone replaced with a practical attitude (or may be a philosophical one) towards his situation.

OP, if it is feasible, purchase a second hand car in reasonably good condition so that during this period you are not handicapped in moving around. That would free you up and enhance your freedom of action. You can always sell it off later and upgrade to a new one. Hope things keep improving for you. Cheers!

[road]

Ok so, I posted here some time in 2011 explaining that I think I found out about my wife's affair. Well, wanted to update you all and share somethings that I am doing that are stupid...and needs to stop.

 

 

While we were dating I had a friend drive 2 hours to tell me she was having sex with a mutual friend. It wasn't a trustworthy source but she was confronted and she denied everything. Got married a few years later.

 

Ok, in 2008 it was our first year of being married we had a 5 month old and she went out of town with him on our anniversary weekend to be with her parents. I didn't go for some reason I can't really remember. Fast forward to 2011 now. In 2011 I figured out that she had been involved with a guy 3 years younger than her. When confronted she only admitted to "making out" with him despite my friends telling me she had sex with him. Obviously, back then I chose to trust my wife and mother of my 2 children at that point and went to counseling etc and tried to reconcile.

 

So, a few things about this. I was still broken over this. She was saying one thing and others are telling me different, the counseling didn't really help with that and this NEVER got resolved. What this translated to is I didn't trust her. So, naturally I became a big jerk to her subconsciously. I didn't mean to but I did. The combination of guy from when we were dating and this one took a big toll on me and I didn't treat her well in hindsight.

 

So, most recently, in October of this year she stayed out with a friend till 4a. This is fine except I text/called her a few times and she never responded. Not really all that bad but then on Tuesdays and Thursdays she all of a sudden couldn't get home from work until 3-4 hours later than normal. I talked with a friend and he said something was not right. He just confirmed what I was already thinking....so I looked in the phone records. On a Thursday a new phone number appeared out of nowhere and it all of a sudden had received over 2000 texts in a matter of 5 days. I called the number from a blocked number it went to voicemail saying "Hi this is __ leave a message" it was a male. So, I started looking around the house, I found her bag she took to her friends house that night and she hadn't cleaned it out yet. I found perfume and lingerie and my heart just plain sank. I was done. I did remember she had said she and her friend were watching a movie and having a "pajama" party. So, this peaked my interest. I looked into the phone records again. The night of that party, she was texting with the friend that she was SUPPOSED to be with all night. Completely ignored my texts but was texting her friend all night...what person texts someone in the same room with them for 3 hours. So, I knew something was very wrong.

 

Now here is stupid thing number 1 I did that I regret. My wife and I have sex like once a month. Been like that for awhile, we have 3 kids and stressful jobs. It had been about a month. So, I decided I wanted to see if she would have sex with me on a Tuesday (a night she's been getting home late). So she came home late as was her usual practice and then I put the moves on her and she very reluctantly allowed us to have sex. As we started I asked "should I wear a condom" and she said yes because she's not on the pill and wasn't sure about her cycle. Well, when we got started she was in a lot of pain down there. (she was raw from screwing the other guy not 2 hours prior come to find out) That was something that hit the final nail in the coffin and I knew something was wrong.

 

I'm going to skip the details of the confrontation the next day. She at first denied everything but I presented my evidence and she broke down and said yes, she was having an affair and wanted a divorce prior to it and it was just bad timing. Blah blah blah.

 

So after about 2-3 weeks I was going nuts and getting settled into a new normal. We are still living together because of the kids and financials. She goes out on Tuesday and Thursday every week and then every other weekend she spends the weekend at her boyfriends.

 

So here is the most stupid thing I did and I am sharing it so no one else does it. I got horny. I didn't want to go out and find sex on the street because of how unsafe it is. So, I asked my soon to be ex how serious her BF was and she said not too serious, might just be a fling. I asked her if she would mind being a friends with benefits situation with me to which she replied in the affirmative (she loves having sex with me but is emotionally detached). So, all this is in text messages so as to protect myself from getting accused.

 

Anyways, we agreed to once a month having a meeting but it'd be strictly sex and no emotions etc. Well, the first time happens no issue. It was boring as hell but it happened. Well, then she decides she wants to change a night out to go see him and asks if that's ok and as a joke I said something like "well, that will cost you a FWB visit sooner than one month" and she shrugged and said, yea sure that's fine. She then goes on and on about how it's getting serious with her new bf and how we might not be able to do the FWB thing much longer etc.

 

Anyways, I also find out about how at some point (not clear and I don't care anymore) she made out with her friend's brother and he described kissing her neck and smelling the top of her head and missing those smells. To me that means they had sex too. When asked about this the next day there was yelling and throwing of stuff (I think she was sleeping with the 3 of us and her main BF has no clue) From the messages I read she broke this off immediately with the 3rd guy.

 

 

Oh, almost forgot. That guy she "only made out with" in 2008. She is now admitting to having sex with. Horrible couldn't really get it up sex supposedly but they did have sex.

 

 

Here's my point in all this. I feel like this was set up for failure from the beginning. She cheated on me while we were dating and didn't own up to it. Then her second time, she never owned up to it. Had she owned up to it I'd have had the whole truth and had been able to heal without the "what if" going on that was blocking any growth. I blame her for making me treat her poorly. I fell that if I had known everything I'd have been able to separate from her and no longer hurt her or heal properly and have a healthy marriage and not causing her to hate me and get into trouble.

 

 

 

After reading your point her is my point. Your WW cheated on you before you married her and then continued to cheat on you while married. You showed her that you will never make her face the consequences of her having affairs.

 

 

So when are you going to make her face a consequence because she cheated?