wife having affair with brother

[doublebetrayal]

I remembered this forum from a few years ago when I referred a friend to look at this site after he had been cheated on by his now ex-wife. I never thought in a million years I would be the one coming here for advice but life has dealt me a terrible hand, so here I am. Forgive me if i'm not very clear in my writing as I am extreme shock and an overwhelming amount of pain to write without spelling and grammar mistakes right now. I just found out my wife is having an affair. To make matter worse the other guy is my own brother, the best man at our wedding whom I thought was more than just my brother, I saw him as my best friend aside from my wife. I am feeling a rollercoaster of emotion right now, I feel so much rage at the both of them for the betrayal and I am also feeling sad/depressed because my reality as I knew it is a lie, a absolute sham!

 

Some background info I am 42 my wife is 39 and my brother is 50. Married for 16 years and together 18, she was quite young when we married but she has always been more mature than her age. We have 4 amazing children 3 sons and a daughter. Not sure if this part is really that important but my brother is currently single for 2 years, he has been divorced 4 times yes 4 ex-wives by 50! (well technically 48)

 

Anyway I literally found out by chance. I just saw them together a few hours ago holding hands and kissing at the shopping mall. They didn't see me and my oldest son, but my son and I saw the whole thing in front of us. It was traumatic experience for both my son and myself. He was about to run up to them and give them a piece of his mind but I stopped him. Instead we went for a drive, cried and cried some more, I did most of the crying and my son was become very furious so we came home. I told him to say nothing to anyone or do anything until his mother and I have spoken about everything, he was reluctant to keep that promise but I pleaded with him and he has given me his word to keep silent.

 

Right now I am sitting here unsure of what to do, a part of me wants to go into detective mode to find out more info about this affair. I want to know how long the affair has been going for and basically any other details I can find out for myself to avoid or at least reduce chances of trickle truth from her. The other part of me wants to confront the hell out of her as soon as she gets home! She will know something is definitely up with me but I am really leaning torwards going detective mode and biting the bullet for now until I have the evidence I want to eventally confront her. What do you guys think? She will be here within an hour from her "yoga" class pffft what a load of bull! I honestly don't know how to handle this double betrayal my heart is in a trillion trillion pieces and has dog poo on it thats how horrible I feel.

 

Sorry for getting emotional. Anyway thank you ladies and gentleman in advance for help. My friend a few years ago whom his username I have since forgotten got some great advice from here, things worked out well for him in the end and I would like the same so I appreciate your input thanks.

 

DB

[TaraMaiden2]

....

Right now I am sitting here unsure of what to do, a part of me wants to go into detective mode to find out more info about this affair. I want to know how long the affair has been going for and basically any other details I can find out for myself to avoid or at least reduce chances of trickle truth from her.

I have read the whole of your post and am deeply sorry for the shock and devastation you must be feeling. There is little of comfort anyone can say, and little you will need to hear, but very sadly inter-familial affairs are anything but rare.

 

Right now, what you're thinking of doing, partly, will only add pain and anguish.

Let me ask you: What would knowing any of the above actually give you?

What would it do to RELIEVE any of the pain and fury, the feeling of double-betrayal?

Answer? Nothing. If anything, it will make you feel worse.

 

Trickle-truth is irrelevant. You caught them at it. And you have a son who witnessed the same incident, so denial on her part will be futile, and trickle-truth is really of no consequence. Whether you know all of it or part of it, doesn't really matter. You know. That's what counts.

But you'll get plenty of excuses and reasons as to why she did this - and expect some blame to be hurled at you.

The answer to the blame game is that she didn't need to f**k your brother, she should have tried talking to you, suggested counselling, been more open and honest with her feelings.

Nothing can ever justify her having an affair with your own brother.

 

That said, you don't actually know she has had sex with him. And if you openly accuse her of it, she may jump immediately to denial. Which may be true.

But those who lie about sex get found out eventually...

I remember a line I heard in a movie once: Those who lie, their stories keep changing. Those who are honest, are consistent in the telling... Remember that fact.

The other part of me wants to confront the hell out of her as soon as she gets home! She will know something is definitely up with me but I am really leaning torwards going detective mode and biting the bullet for now until I have the evidence I want to eventually confront her. What do you guys think? She will be here within an hour from her "yoga" class pffft what a load of bull!

As I said, you already have the evidence.

The best weapon you could have is actually to gain a level head and be calm.

it's when we let emotions rule our heads, that mistakes happen and wrong things are said.

Once she's in the house, coat off, asks how your day went, you can calmly reply, "Very, very badly thanks."

 

When she asks why, the last thing she will expect is for you to reply - calmly and with a direct gaze -

 

"Because <son> and I went to the mall today and we both saw you and <brother> getting up close and personal. Both of us saw it. Both of us.

I can't tell you how devastated <son> was, how angry and furious he was. But it pales into insignificance at how I feel, to have seen my own wife and brother behaving that way in the mall. Be quiet. Don't explain. Pack a bag and get out, I need to think.

I don't want to hear anything right now. You can contact me tomorrow and tell me what you expect us to do. Right now, I want you to leave."

 

I honestly don't know how to handle this double betrayal my heart is in a trillion trillion pieces and has dog poo on it thats how horrible I feel.

It is absolutely imperative you remain calm, and you give yourself the room to think.

Insist she leaves, and tell her you deserve some respect form her at least. You're not interested in discussing everything now, you'll tell her when you are ready.

Gain control. But be stable and calm.

Being unstable, emotional and irrational will get you absolutely nowhere but stomped on.

[Sandy43]

If you choose to confront her when she gets home, immediately demand to have her phone before she has a chance to delete anything.

[Radu]

I remembered this forum from a few years ago when I referred a friend to look at this site after he had been cheated on by his now ex-wife. I never thought in a million years I would be the one coming here for advice but life has dealt me a terrible hand, so here I am. Forgive me if i'm not very clear in my writing as I am extreme shock and an overwhelming amount of pain to write without spelling and grammar mistakes right now. I just found out my wife is having an affair. To make matter worse the other guy is my own brother, the best man at our wedding whom I thought was more than just my brother, I saw him as my best friend aside from my wife. I am feeling a rollercoaster of emotion right now, I feel so much rage at the both of them for the betrayal and I am also feeling sad/depressed because my reality as I knew it is a lie, a absolute sham!

 

Some background info I am 42 my wife is 39 and my brother is 50. Married for 16 years and together 18, she was quite young when we married but she has always been more mature than her age. We have 4 amazing children 3 sons and a daughter. Not sure if this part is really that important but my brother is currently single for 2 years, he has been divorced 4 times yes 4 ex-wives by 50! (well technically 48)

 

Anyway I literally found out by chance. I just saw them together a few hours ago holding hands and kissing at the shopping mall. They didn't see me and my oldest son, but my son and I saw the whole thing in front of us. It was traumatic experience for both my son and myself. He was about to run up to them and give them a piece of his mind but I stopped him. Instead we went for a drive, cried and cried some more, I did most of the crying and my son was become very furious so we came home. I told him to say nothing to anyone or do anything until his mother and I have spoken about everything, he was reluctant to keep that promise but I pleaded with him and he has given me his word to keep silent.

 

Right now I am sitting here unsure of what to do, a part of me wants to go into detective mode to find out more info about this affair. I want to know how long the affair has been going for and basically any other details I can find out for myself to avoid or at least reduce chances of trickle truth from her. The other part of me wants to confront the hell out of her as soon as she gets home! She will know something is definitely up with me but I am really leaning torwards going detective mode and biting the bullet for now until I have the evidence I want to eventally confront her. What do you guys think? She will be here within an hour from her "yoga" class pffft what a load of bull! I honestly don't know how to handle this double betrayal my heart is in a trillion trillion pieces and has dog poo on it thats how horrible I feel.

 

Sorry for getting emotional. Anyway thank you ladies and gentleman in advance for help. My friend a few years ago whom his username I have since forgotten got some great advice from here, things worked out well for him in the end and I would like the same so I appreciate your input thanks.

 

DB

 

The fact that your son saw it too, takes the option of what you hve to do out of your hands.

If you wait on it, you will set a bad example or hurt your son because he will have to lie to his mother (who he probably hates right now) about it.

 

Your only option is to confront at this point and to hold your ground.

Keep the 'your son saw you two' in reserve at first.

[salparadise]

This must be terribly painful. I can't even imagine. Since your son saw it too it's unlikely you'll be able to keep the cork in this in this bottle for long, but I think you should find out what you can before confronting her. If you tell her to pack a bag and get out, and especially if you tell her that all you know is what you saw at the mall, the first thing she will do is call your brother to get their stories straight.

 

And that story is probably going to be that this just started the day before yesterday... and of course they haven't had sex! How could you even think that? It's just brother/sister affection and you have a filthy mind to imagine it was anything else. Yada yada yada.

 

If you have access to her phone or email accounts, see if you can determine how long and to what extent this has been going on. You don't need to know every detail, but what you know already isn't enough to give you any closure if they decide to minimize and stand on it.

 

I think you do need to take time to regain control of over your emotions. You are probably in a state of shock right now and not able to conduct yourself in a completely rational manner. You need to be in control when you confront, and to hopefully have more information than you're pretending to, not less.

 

If you son is old enough to keep it under his hat for awhile I'd gather evidence first and hold off on the confrontation. Once you confront the chance to gather evidence will disappear and they will go stealth. It's better if you can confront them both without tipping them off, and without giving them time in between to coordinate the story.

 

I realize that my advice is opposite of Tara's. I think you do need some answers and I don't think you're likely to get it from them voluntarily unless you have leverage. Information is that leverage. To think you can just say, ok I don't really know much and that's ok is idealistic, not realistic.

 

Again, I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Hang in there and come back for support.

Edited December 2, 2015 by salparadise

[Be_Strong]

Tara has given some great advice. I've been in a similar position as you are right now (minus my brother also betraying me) so I know the pain, confusion, and shock you are experiencing. This isn't one of those situations where you have a suspicion that your wife is cheating and you need to do some further investigation to confirm it. Like in my case, hard evidence was tossed into your lap by chance and there's no doubt about an affair. That's why it makes sense to do exactly what Tara suggested and immediately confront your wife when she gets home and calmly inform her that you know (although I wouldn't tell her how you know) about the affair.

 

Your wife will either be straight up honest with you and admit it (to my wife's credit she took this approach) or go with a complete and total denial. But it doesn't really matter because you know the truth and that's all that counts. Whether your wife tells the truth or lies to your face after you confront her merely serves to show you whether you have any reason to believe anything else she says to you. If you tell her that you saw her in the mall, you're just giving her a chance to weave a story explaining away what you saw. However, if you simply tell her "I know" without telling her why, she will have no idea how you found out or how much you know, or even if you're merely bluffing. In fact, I wouldn't even bring up your brother in the initial conversation. Just tell her you know she's having an affair and ask her to leave to give you some space and you'll contact her later to discuss your plans for separation.

[Cloudcuckoo]

That's such an awful gut plummeting moment, I'm so sorry you've found yourself here and in such agony.

 

The hardest thing to do at this moment is THINK ......

 

You might want to go out for a few hours to consider what to do next before she gets home so that you have a little space to calm down a bit after such a terrible shock. Anywhere. Walk. Don't drive, you're in no state to rely on your responses.

 

However you do this, it might be prudent to remove yourself if possible and if you can, seek the support of someone trusted and reliable to simply be your crutch.

 

It will all come tumbling down, in all the usual and predictable ways, but my wish for you right now is the space to deal with the shock of this traumatic event. Does that make sense to you?

 

Again, I'm so terribly sorry for your anguish.

 

There are many wonderful people here to support you who have been in your shoes, and perhaps you can take a little courage from that.

 

What happens next will depend on you.

 

Sending my sincere best wishes your way.

 

Cuckoo x

[Buckeye2]

You used the term “trickle truth” so I assume you know all about it. They will swear that what you saw is all there is. They both will be even more motivated to minimize the affair because he’s your brother and all parties will have to deal with each other (and extended family) for the rest of their lives.

 

What I would hate is to be 99% sure that they had sex and they swear that they never did and take it to their graves. That would prevent me from healing. But if they had to admit that they had sex and were sorry, then the healing could begin.

 

You are upset so make up a different reason for not being yourself. For example use a small real stress at work and blow it up. Now may be the only opportunity to find out the truth. Personally I wouldn’t care to know anything beyond that they had vaginal intercourse but that's up to you.

[AspenBaldwin]

Interesting how many women cheat with their husbands brothers,

the more I think about it leads me to believe it must be in case she get's pregnant, the kids will still look like his side of the family.

[Buckeye2]

At the very least don’t confront her with everything you know. Give her a chance to come clean and let her think that you know more. Make her think that maybe you’ve had a PI following her for some time. She will want to know what you know so she can make up a story that fits.

 

Start off with is there anything wrong withour marriage or is there anything that you need to tell me. Then shut up and let her stew. Spilling your guts may feel good but it does her a tremendous favor.

[road]

Do some quick detective work.

 

 

Look at the phone bill to she how often the talk and text. Wives and brother inlaws do not talk and text a lot.

 

 

Try to get copies of the texts, makes copies and secure them. Check her emails and copy the ones with proof to a safe place.

 

 

Ask your WW for her phone. Tell her if you can borrow it. Then do not give it back to her.

 

 

Then tell your WW does she have anything to confess to you.

 

 

She says no. Ask why is she lying? Then say you know what she and your brother have been doing.

 

 

She will deny, ask for proof. Do not tell her how you found out or what you know. Just say that you do not have to prove the truth. Tell her she needs to confess for this marriage to be saved.

 

 

Then ask her one last time to be honest before you check her phone. She will complain and ask for the phone back do not give it to her. If the phone is looked tell her she must give you the password. She balks, you tell her that there can not be secrets between husband and wife. That those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. What is it she is hiding?

 

 

After trying to sweat the truth out of her you tell her two people saw her and BIL having an affair. She will deny and ask who told you. Again work her to get her to confess and without revealing your sources.

 

 

After you have exhausted all attempts then tell her your son saw her and BIL. Do not tell WW what her son saw. Use that to tell WW it is time for her to be honest one last time. That without her being honest this damage will never be repaired. Try to get her to confess one more time.

 

 

Then tell her that the other person with her son that caught her cheating was his dad, you.

 

 

At that point WW may be totally honest. Though most likely will trickle truth (admit to only what the BH can prove, and to minimized to control collateral damage) as that was the first time they got physical.

 

 

Then tell WW that you will need a polygraph test to confirm that you got the whole truth.

 

 

As soon as the confrontation is done you need to kill this affair. That is done by exposing the affair to all the people that can bring pressure to get the guilty parties to end their affair.

 

 

Your exposure targets are WW's grandparents, parents, her children, other relatives, friends, then do the same for the BH. To not tell WW or BIL that you are going to expose or after you have done it. Exposure never works as a threat end the affair or I will expose it only back fires.

 

 

Then the last part is to send your brother a no contact letter, NC, it can be a email or text. To the point and short as possible. Just state that because the way he betrayed you there has to be NC between you and your family and him for life.

 

 

Then block the OM's number and email. Any unknown or blocked number phone calls let them go to voice mail. When you play the VM soon as you hear OM voice hang up and delete.

 

 

 

 

 

 

T

[Buckeye2]

Once she knows that you’re suspicious she will contact your brother. It would be very useful to monitor this communication with a VAR in her car or whatever. You might hear her ending the affair and saying that she loves you and was stupid.

[oldshirt]

Take the time and energy you would spend playing detective and see an attorney and getting your wagons circled to protect your assets and making sure she doesn't empty out all the bank accounts or take off with your children.

 

You already know what you need to know so snooping into which positions they have done and who's couch they did it on isn't really all that critical at this point.

 

Your mind is a scrambled mess at the moment but your first priority at this point needs to be to protect your assets, property and relationship with your children.

 

Once you have done that to your lawyer's satisfaction, then you can start dealing with some of this other crap.

 

Step #1 - get an attorney ASAP and get things secured because this is going to blow up big and fast.

[katielee]

I agree with oldshirt. You already have enough evidence. See and attorney and tell her this when you get home and also tell her her son saw her do this.

Tell her you're not sure you want to work it out... let her sweat. Say for sure you're not interested if she continues to see your brother. Then 180 hard.

Walking around a mall, holding hands and kissing - who does that in public? Did she want to get caught?

[kgcolonel]

I am in agreement with the others regarding the engagement of an attorney....that being said, how old is your son? What effect will this have on both him personally and the relationship with his mother going forward.

 

Are your parents still alive? They will find out and this will create a sh_tstorm in the family like non-other as your parents will be critical of both the brother and your W.

 

The anger is extreme right now....don't make any life long decisions until you have had some time to digest this. I don't know how long you have before the confrontation as your son saw this and he is likely more traumatize that you if that's possible as this inlcuded his father, (saw you crying and hurt) his mother betraying his father and his uncle as the perp.

 

Is this normal behavior for your brother?

 

I agree with the VAR prior to confronting her as she definitely call him to give him warning of the pending rage headed his way.

 

 

I am very sorry you're going through this.

[Sparta]

Hey buddy I couldn't even imagine the pain you're going through right now. I feel for you buddy I really do. To be betrayed like that it should be illegal, in my opinion it's one of the highest forms of treason. Your brothers piece of work but you know the worst is your wife because it says everything about her...!!! Haven't called or any names but there's a few I'd like to but out of respect for you I'm not gonna go there. I'm shaking right now I'm so upset for you. Anyways buddy I have a lot to say but the more I think about I'm so emotional for you. Something else I wanted to say it please update is soon as you can okay I'm gonna be glued it is that they say Site.

Edited December 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited out group berating ~6

[Buckeye2]

I agree that what you have now is enough to divorce. I myself wouldn’t care how many times or what positions. However, listening to them swear on a stack of bibles for the next 30 years that they never had sex would make “my a$$ want to dip snuff."

 

Oldshirt is correct about the bank accounts and lawyer.

Edited December 2, 2015 by Buckeye2

[Krashi]

Agree. See a lawyer asap. Really sorry you have been treated like this. I do not think I could stay with someone who would do this. I'd expose this far and wide and get out ahead of the story they will spread about you (the abusive, neglectful, controlling narrative, typically).

[BetrayedH]

Shut up, play stupid and compliant.

 

Unfortunately, the vast, vast majority of betrayed spouses are so devastated by rejection that they end up clinging to their wayward spouse (who will do almost anything to placate you once they've been caught).

 

You know about trickle truth. It happens and it happens pretty damn consistently.

 

You have one and only one chance to really get at the truth here. And then you'll have to decide if you can live with it. Confronting her will serve NO purpose except to ruin your chances of finding out how deep the rabbit hole goes. I wouod find out first, and then deal with the gut wrenching task of trying to figure out what to do about it.

 

If you confront now, I see her gaslighting you by minimizing what you "saw" and denying anything further. Then what will you do? It'll be too late to discover the truth because they'll have coordinated a story, deleted any evidence, and made a decision to lay low until the dust settles.

 

Make decisions with your head instead of your emotions. A confrontation is simply what your emotions want you to do. But it's absolutely counter-productive. Want to confront her effectively? Do it after you know what there is to know and do it via the service of divorce papers.

[dreamingoftigers]

Interesting how many women cheat with their husbands brothers,

the more I think about it leads me to believe it must be in case she get's pregnant, the kids will still look like his side of the family.

 

I had a neighbour that cheated with both brothers. She moved in briefly after with the one. My husband and I privately joked that her two kids would have to call him "Uncle Daddy."

 

They broke up and then the husband and both of his brothers moved in together to share costs.

So messed up.

 

I can't fathom looking at my husband's brother much less sleeping with him. Just so messed up.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you. Your wife is a real piece of work. My suggestions:

 

1. You both need to be tested for STD's. Your brother sounds like quite the player.

2. Unfortunately since your brother has been so close to your wife throughout your marriage then it is prudent to have paternity tests on the children. I know this sounds harsh.

3. The fact that your wife had no problem holding hands and kissing him in such a public place indicates that she feels quite comfortable in this affair and that it has been going on for a long period of time.

4. See an attorney to understand your options.

5. Because again your brother has been so close to the marriage that surely there must have been times that you were intimate with her after she had been with your brother.

6. Finally the fact that your wife would engage in such a double betrayal with your brother indicates that she has very little respect for you or your marriage.

7. Your brother is a piece of ****.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[S2B]

I hope you can move money to your name only and consult an attorney.

 

It would be wise to have your wife leave the residence immediately so you can think clearly without her gas lighting you and manipulating the situation.

 

 

Requiring your son to remain silent is harmful to him. He needs to have a voice and speak his truth, too! He has every right to be angry and his mom should know what damage she's caused.

 

 

Say how you feel. Allow others to speak their truth.

 

It's crappy what they are doing to you, the marriage and family. What consequences do you plan to give her?

 

 

I hate to suggest it but have all of your kids paternity tested.

[bubbaganoosh]

I know you want to do the right thing and get more information and that's all fine and dandy if it was just you that saw them together but your son also saw the same thing.

 

This has to be killing him inside and your asking him to keep it to keep it to himself and I can tell you that the minuet he sets eyes on his mother, she's going to know real quick that something is really bothering him.

 

Honestly I don't think it's a good idea for your son to keep this under his hat. If it was me, I would let her have it with both barrels when she comes home and I would let her know that she not only has to explain her actions to you but to her son. Then after you let her know, hand her a suitcase and tell her to start packing because you and your son are not going anywhere but she is.

 

Then you call your brother and tell him to make room for her because she's about to be homeless, then inform the family and let them know.

 

After you do that,it would be a good idea if you get your son some counseling so he can deal with this. This has to be so hard on him and he needs a outlet to vent.

 

By the way, how old are is your son and the other kids?.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then you call your brother and tell him to make room for her because she's about to be homeless, then inform the family and let them know.

 

I have no input as to whether this is right or wrong.

 

But given you have 4 kids and your oldest is already involved, I'd look at each step you take from the perspective of its effect on your children. One difficult truth is that, as a family man, you don't get to go Rambo on the situation.

 

As hard as it is, slow down and think. This isn't just a marriage crisis, it's a family issue also. Keep posting, much support available here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AspenBaldwin]

I had a neighbour that cheated with both brothers. She moved in briefly after with the one. My husband and I privately joked that her two kids would have to call him "Uncle Daddy."

 

They broke up and then the husband and both of his brothers moved in together to share costs.

So messed up.

 

I can't fathom looking at my husband's brother much less sleeping with him. Just so messed up.

 

I don't wanna be mean but the OP should ask for 4 DNA tests. Who knows how long has this been going on.