katielee Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 As you recover from infidelity as a BS (or even a WS) what books have helped you the most? I think, for me, anything by John Gottman was great. I found the 5 Love Languages to be eye opening, but fairly useless in a crisis situation. Emotional Infidelity was good too. I have read some on the philosophy of Buddhism but with little understanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 "When good people have affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum. "How can I forgive you?" by Janis Abrahms Spring. Both helped me understand the dynamic that led to the infidelity, which led to my developing healthier coping strategies and better relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 "When good people have affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum. "How can I forgive you?" by Janis Abrahms Spring. Both helped me understand the dynamic that led to the infidelity, which led to my developing healthier coping strategies and better relationships. I liked them both... but Kirshenbaum suggests NOT confessing to the BS, and I just couldn't get past that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 I liked them both... but Kirshenbaum suggests NOT confessing to the BS, and I just couldn't get past that. I also disclosed, because I felt it was necessary for me to do so. Perhaps there are others who felt the need not to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 how can they make that choice for their BS though? Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 "After the Affair" by Janis Spring is good; "The Monogamy Myth" by Peggy Vaughn also. "NOT 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass is a classic. Sorry, these are all very infidelity-specific. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Another vote for "How can I forgive you?" by Janis Abrahms Spring. Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Kirshenbaum gives her reasons and the conditions not to tell, and when. But these are her comments which are in lo way related to how she talks about infidelity, so even if you are hardcore must tell, her work still has merit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted December 2, 2015 Author Share Posted December 2, 2015 I agree she has her merits, but she advocates only telling if there was unprotected sex. She says if the WS recommits to the marriage there is no reason to tell. And that, to me, is taking away a choice of the BS. One week before Dday I had a phone consultation with her. I said I didn't trust my husband. She said, "what are you gonna do, you can't hire a PI." which is exactly what I did one week later and caught him. Red handed... So yeah, I really don't trust her advice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Rokelle Lerner The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists If that's what you're dealing with... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Susan Anderson's " The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" , Richard Skerrit " Meaning from Madness", Chump Lady Survival Guide; The Sociopat Next Door by Stout; " " In Sheeps Clothing ". Link to post Share on other sites
Joie Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 (edited) I liked the 5 Love Languages. I also really enjoyed The War Room. I know that it may not be for everyone. It is a Christian fiction based book. However, I found it very comforting. I was able to relate to the woman and it helped me understand my H's point of view. Edited December 2, 2015 by Joie Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Can't recommend any books because I didn't really find nay that were all that helpful. I wasn't able to find one that spoke to me. That is not to say that they wouldn't speak to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 OK, No books, but I have read much in my life, but a site I found when I was look to try to shave the old fashion way helped. It has a lot of marriage ideas, some I found useful. The Art of Manliness Link to post Share on other sites
Hardgrind Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 "NOT Just Friends" was my main book and I must have read it cover to cover four or five times during the past two years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair Linda MacDonald Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 (edited) Women's Infidelity Part 1 & 2, Michelle Langley Patterns Of Infidelity And Their Treatment (Or her work on Split-self Affair) Emily Brown After the Storm, Esther Perel (and her TedTalks / You tube videos) Edited December 2, 2015 by fellini Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 The Shirley Glass was a bible for me in the early days, and I even gave a copy to my then therapist! Also How to help your spouse heal from your affair was a most enlightening read for my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted December 2, 2015 Author Share Posted December 2, 2015 these have all been great, thank you!! Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 Here's a thread I started about this a while back... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/368775-books Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 (edited) Not Just Friends is, IMHO, a must-read. But I got quite a bit of good information from The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It's not about infidelity; it's about PTSD. And really, that's what we end up dealing with brain-wise. It's not a cure-all, but I found it helpful to realize that neuroplasticity is in play, that we need to be proactive in dealing with the amygdala (fight, flight, freeze response). So, when you're getting more into Buddist mindfulness training and self compassion, you're more able to see the reasoning behind it. I also found Terrence Real to be helpful in his study of covert male depression. He's a bit pompous at times, but he articulates very well how interior shame leads to grandiosity (entitlement behavior). That's been key for me in learning to empathize more fully. (Just wanted to add that I agree... Gottman is the go-to guy) Edited December 5, 2015 by Ladyjane14 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 (edited) I agree she has her merits, but she advocates only telling if there was unprotected sex. She says if the WS recommits to the marriage there is no reason to tell. And that, to me, is taking away a choice of the BS. One week before Dday I had a phone consultation with her. I said I didn't trust my husband. She said, "what are you gonna do, you can't hire a PI." which is exactly what I did one week later and caught him. Red handed... So yeah, I really don't trust her advice. Okay, the thread is about books, not about phone calls or specific IC advice, but here is my take on this, regardless of what may or may not have been said/meant during a phone call. Kirshenbaum has legitimate arguments to back her statements about not telling. And no, your summary does not cover them all (unprotected sex is only one reason). In fact, she gives other reasons to tell. And she gives the positive reasons not to. I think you made it pretty clear that you cannot think like that, which is fine. But I happen to agree with her, as did the the poster who said basically "some do, some don't." I am a BH by the way, and I don't want to get into this because I believe it was even you in a past thread on this topic that tried to tell me what I was really thinking by defending not confessing, and this kind of "you don't really mean this" or "you don't get that it was the affair that hurt you, not the learning about it"... all that is just about people who cannot accept alternative views on a topic. I'm pretty clear about what is the difference between knowing about my wife's affair and the things that she did during it. To claim otherwise of a BS is probably the most condescending remarks a BS can make about another BS. Regardless of what happened in your specific conversation, I also agree that hiring a PI is not the solution to a marital problem, it is the solution to moving to a divorce. Hiring a PI might get you an immediate answer to a question. But if someone says "I don't trust my spouse", my answer would be the same: what are you going to do about it? You cannot hire a P.I. Because if you already don't trust your spouse, hiring a P.I. just confirms what you already know. And more importantly, you cannot hire a P.I. everytime you get a twinge that your spouse is not quite right. I'm not talking economics, I'm talking about how people go about solving their problems. We need to fix what is going on inside, or walk away. This is my position. I am completely against P. I.s -- and polygraphs, pretty much for the same reason. Of course if some people feel better hiring P.I.s or forcing polygraphs in order to decide to stay in a marriage, that's fine. For me, the polygraph is redundant. The marriage is over, and I will not live in one whereby I have to haul my spouse to a poly every time I don't trust what I hear. Even once is once too many times. Back to books. One of the things Kirshenbaum does is to help people who are cheating to work through being in love with two people. She is the only author I have read who speaks to the wayward directly in trying to get them to figure out if they truly want out of their marriage or not. Most authors speak to the betrayed, to explain what might be going on in their cheating spouses mind. Kirshenbaum tries to get the cheater to come to their senses quickly by figuring out where the affair is going. Edited December 5, 2015 by fellini Link to post Share on other sites
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