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First Holiday Season AFTER....


ShatteredLady

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ShatteredLady

This time last year my H was starting his EA with his Ex mistress.

 

The holiday season holds so many triggers for me, from Halloween (When things seemed better) too Thanksgiving (He started the EA the 2nd week in Nov), my birthday in Dec, my dead brothers birthday 2 days later (breaks my heart but I hide that), my H's birthday 2 days later, then Christmas, then New Years (When my life was blown apart!), then our daughters birthday. Ugh!

 

It's been 3 months since the last D-Day. We talked a lot for a few days but recently I'm a mess (still/again) & his passive aggressive s**t has reared it's ugly head again & he flips between kind & withdrawn (normal).

I've had 'women's surgery' so that could be contributing to the physical distance. Sometimes I wonder if it's in my head (He was caring & great for my surgery). Sometimes I KNOW it's not. (The A is definitely over)

 

I have read 'some' of their messages (Most were on a private account that I never saw) from last holiday season. I was belittled, chritisized & mocked for everything I did for all of the occasions. He even said to me that my gifts & my celebrations for him were thoughtless & lame.

 

This thanksgiving the 'Words' were all I could hear running through my head!

 

The kids want what they see as "our tradition" (which is apparently crap) but I don't know another way to do things!! We can't do things with family. It's just us.

 

In a couple of weeks it's my H's Birthday. Again, I buy thoughtless crap gifts & make nothing of the day. I spent weeks/months making pictures/banners & cards with the kids. We chose what I thought were an assortment of cute, fun, meaningful treasures. I wrestled the agony of spine degeneration to make & decorate a cake similar to (what I thought) was a romantic, memorable thing from our past.

He wrote her that "The kids didn't even know it was his birthday" & told me that everything was thoughtless crap!

 

What do I do this year?? Once you know that your best is considered offensive, thoughtless & lame...ugh!!!

 

Thanksgiving evening our kids were asking him if he enjoyed our Thanksgiving Day, "Was it the bestest thanksgiving ever Daddy?". His response was "Huh (pause) it was relaxing I suppose".

I did everything you see on TV! Cooked, baked, decorated, played "What are we thankful for?" etc.

 

My H has said on many occasions, "If I have to tell you what I want you to do you will only being doing it because I told you & NOT because you love me!! If you love me you should know the right things to do!".

 

I clearly don't know the right things to do!! I feel like I'm on trial so much of the time. I feel constantly judged & found to be lacking....or I'm going crazy!

 

What do others do the "next holiday season" after the A?

How do you buy gifts when you're best efforts only disappoint?

We are tight on money this year. I feel potentially stupid buying 'romantic' things. I can't make things (I'm an artist but have no motivation & again feel judged).

 

The anxiety is building & killing me. I feel physically sick at the very thought of it. I always loved holidays. Even decorating for Christmas is a nightmare! I don't know what I do wrong (I couldn't read those mails) but I know it was a subject of disappointment & scorn.

 

I want to create the most fun & best memories for the kids. I wish I could just ignore every event. I insisted that we bought a 'joint gift' for our anniversary (end of Aug) & have proposed the same for our birthdays but the kids will be expecting the usual celebration.

 

This isn't just a vent. If someone could give me a 'script' to follow, ideas I can copy, ANYTHING, please!?! I'm in physical & emotional agony. I don't have anyone to talk to. Just 'stuff him' advise isn't going to help. We're a young family.

 

I just need to 'survive' this year. We will be home with family next year. Hopefully this will be my last alone holiday season.

 

Maybe holiday advise will help or inspire others....

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First, just breathe. If you have traditions that your kids love and look forward to, you've already done a great job. Don't allow him to diminish it. It probably wouldn't matter what you did, he will find something wrong with it. Stop bending over backwards for someone that doesn't appreciate you. Life is short, don't allow him to keep raining on your parade. You're not a mind reader, he shouldn't expect you to be one. Does he worry as much about pleasing you?

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LivingWaterPlease

From the way you describe him I wouldn't want to be married to him and don't think I'd stay with him. Guess you're staying for the kids.

 

In your place I'd just do holiday stuff for the kids since they'll appreciate your efforts.

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ShatteredLady,

 

Holidays are hard, even with out "*****" going on. Look, I would concentrate on the kids, and leave the husband to decide to get into the sprite or not. We made a point of never getting yourself or our child over $50, as I never believed is bankrupting ourself's for Christmas. Live for what Christmas is, and represents, the birth of Jesus, and later the promise of resurrection. Try and find the more spiritual part of the day.

 

As for your husbands Birthday gift, find a picture of you and he in the day, the days of your youth and first love. Frame and give that to him. Maybe with a message that those days can return. Remind him of "us".

 

Just my 2 cents, and I as always wish you luck.

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Tell him that these traditions you are doing are not for him, but for the kids. They like them and that's all that matters. He started a new tradition last year with the OW, and if he wants something but doesn't ask for it, maybe he needs to go back to his bitch because, obviously, she can read his mind and knows how to please him... then get back to yur children and your life with them.

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Ugh, I hate it when this happens. When someone's sense of self-worth, their confidence and joy is destroyed by one person and they are made into a neurotic, self-doubting, hurting, insecure mess who's pinning for the approval and acceptence of that person.

 

You're married to a jacka**. You shouldn't consider doing anything for this jacka** for his birthday or the holidays. Release that weight off you. If he takes such issue with what you do for him then do him the favour of not subjecting him to awful consideration.

 

"If I have to tell you what I want you to do you will only being doing it because I told you & NOT because you love me!! If you love me you should know the right things to do!".. seriously:confused:?

 

This is what a**holes say. A loving caring husband wouldn't be this critical and mean to his wife. He should be assuring and comforting you for the torment that his behaviour has caused you but instead he is a source of misery and pain for you.

 

 

Stop burdening yourself with blame and doubt. He is a jacka**. That's why he wrote and said those horrible things about you. He is also a coward and teenaged high school girl for talking bad about you behind your back tohis mistress.

 

He can't appreciate anything that you do because he has vilified you. You could win the lottery and do and buy him everything that he has ever wanted and he'd still find fault with something. It's not you, it's him.

 

You have been a caring, considerate wife and have done your best. That is all that you or anyone can hope to do. If he doesn't appreciate it, then f*** him. Of all the emotions that betrayed spouses experience, you have totally just skipped anger, and that comes from not valuing yourself enough and being in the "weaker" role of your relationship.

 

I would seriously recommend that you divorce him, and divorce him hard but I know you won't because of your circumstances, reasons that you have convinced yourselfof and because you also just don't value yourself enough to think that you deserve better.

 

Instead then, focus on your children and most importantly, on yourself and being the best you can be, for YOU.

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What do I do this year??

 

not a damn thing.

 

give him a kiss on the cheek & a polite "happy birthday, hon." - if your kids want to give him their own gifts (drawings or cards they made for him)... help them. do your own tradition - the one that makes the kids and you happy.

 

he wasn't happy with your previous gifts and he refuses to communicate the issue...? don't give him sh*t this year. he can buy his own gifts that will be worthy of him.

 

focus on the children and your own happiness for a change - i think you're overwhelming yourself with trying to do all the right things for a man who puts very little effort in recovering your marriage.

 

let go of that marriage for now, just let it go. eyes on you, your health and the kids.

Edited by minimariah
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Hubby was in an affair over Christmas. I'm sure he communicated with her that day. I LOVE Christmas. No one is going to steal it from me. We proceeded as usual the first year and hubby got a lump of coal in his stocking. He laughed. We both did.

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I clearly don't know the right things to do!! I feel like I'm on trial so much of the time. I feel constantly judged & found to be lacking....or I'm going crazy!

 

 

Stop playing your role in this script. Refused to be the one who is bending over backwards, worrying about judgment, and getting worked up about his response. A marriage dynamic is TWO people, and your contribution is playing this part. Just stop.

 

Make a nice holiday for yourself and the kids. Trust that he, as an adult member of the family, will enjoy the holiday you've prepared for the family (not for him specifically), and if he has things in particular that he would like to see done differently, he'll do them. Raise your expectations of him.

 

As for gifts for him, don't buy one. Give each kid a budget to pick one out. Don't interfere with their choice; just let them pick it, wrap it, and give it. Help the kids make a cake, buy some of that squeeze-on decorating stuff, and let them decorate it. Basically, let the kids take over celebrations of daddy.

 

He's not going to give you a break. As long as you play this role, he will continue to put you down. YOU have to give YOURSELF a break. People treat us as we teach them to treat us. You've allowed him to disrespect you and take you for granted for wayyyyy too long. Respect yourself first. Only then will he respect and appreciate you.

 

Make the holidays bright for you and the kids :love: Let the adult join in, or no, his choice. Shrug it off.

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Shattered one of my favorite Christmas movies is the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Everyone is buying gifts and sparkle and doing great things and CB is sent out to get the tree. He gets a tree that everyone ridicules and he puts his head in his hands and says. "Cant I do anything right" Linus then goes over to him and tells the story of what Christmas is really about. CB and Linus then goes back to weak tree, gives it a little support and the tree becomes wonderful.

 

This Christmas, SL, perhaps you should focus less on the gift giving and "getting it right" and more on the spirit of the Holiday season. Do not Let those who judge the sparkle as important affect you in any way.

 

Set the spirit and stick with it.

 

One last story about gift giving. I have a large family and we grew up relatively poor. Many years ago my business was doing exceptionally well so I spent thousands of dollars in presents for all my brothers and sisters. After everything was given and unwrapped I realized no one gave me anything. (Couldnt afford it and my gifts were unexpected). I started to feel bad and my little sister bought me a small wrapped gift. Immediately my eyes widened when she handed it to me. It was one of those free cologne samples, but too me, it might as well have been a Porshe.

 

It was a gift of love and thats all the mattered.

 

I sincerely wish you a Happy Holiday season

Edited by 66Charger
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GollumsNightmare

H had an A two years ago, dday was in November. I was too traumatized to figure out Christmas so we went shopping together to buy each other's presents. There were no surprises that year. We each picked out what we wanted and the other bought it. I wasnt ready for surprises of any kind so this worked for us. We shopped for our son and his fiance together. There were no more exhausting days of me doing all of that by myself.

 

H's birthday that year was his 50th. I always thought I would throw him a big party for that. Nope. It was celebrated very low key and he didnt dare question that. That is what I would do for him this year, if I were you. The kids can shop and wrap for him. You can cook him a meal of his choosing. LOW key.

 

For the whole family, including your H, I would spend more effort on DOING things together for Christmas than buying things. You can search Pinterest for things to do with your family for Christmas, or frugal family Christmas, etc. They have all kinds of suggested things to do. You will have a great list in no time.

 

Kids remember what they did and traditions they had far more than what they GOT.

 

My heart goes out to you, but you CAN do this!

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Make christmas happen for your family - ie the ones that choose to participate and contribute. Don't lift a finger for those who choose not to be a member of the family. If your H gets put out by this tell him you can't do it right for him so you are doing it right for everyone else. And look forward to next year when the decent folk with outnumber the tosser. Good luck xx

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ShatteredLady

Thank you all so much. The first thing I'm going to do is find the Charlie Brown movie & snuggle-up & watch it with my kids.

 

Do other people need the "Just Breathe" advise? Its like I have to remind myself, or at least focus on my breathing so I don't explode. I can even be laughing & something, anything just flashes in my brain & I'm paralyzed, shaking. Watching silly TV shows or even adverts can crush me. Everything is about family & love & ugh!!!

 

My H isn't evil! He's not a bad man. He's a very sad, very lost man. He's not strutting around happy as Larry. I do think midlife crisis or whatever is a huge part of it & his behavior over the last year has just left him even more screwed-up about life. I wish he could see everything that he's got to be thankful for.

 

It's like he's this miserable tide of self fulfilling prophecy that washes in. When he's not depressed or pissed I'm frightened that he is & my behavior makes him so!

There are so many things I want to say but when I analyze it I realize everything comes down to "I'm so dreadfully hurt, angry, lost & betrayed" & saying that is just going to break him more! Why hurt him? What could it possibly achieve other than picking the scab at this point?

 

I am neurotic & all those other things you said! I don't know what he's thinking or feeling at any moment. I never know if he's withdrawn because he's sad or mad. I drive myself crazy trying to work out what I've done, or haven't done, or said or haven't said. Ugh!!!

 

You're all so right. This is about the kids & our little family for THEM! I need to snap out of it & just live the best I can. I sick of crying everyday. I'm sick & tired of all of it!

I spent a couple of hours on the phone with my parents yesterday...not talking about anything that's been going-on as usual. They're so excited about us coming home. I NEED to be home. We talked about getting a dog & my Dad teaching my son to golf...perfect family future stuff. They think everything is going to be so wonderful...

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afoolto no end

shattered lady,

 

My husband also had his affair during the holiday season, and his birthday is 2 weeks before xmas as well..........dday for his affair was the third week in Nov.

that birthday went without even a word, he knew why, the same with xmas....he also knew why........

It was always me that did everything for xmas, for our kids, for family and for me........when his affair happened I decided that he wasn't going to change ME and I did what I always did......and did it alone like I always did, and my boys felt special like they always did...........my husband never bought a gift for anyone that year .......he used to just ride on my shirt tails with everything. not anymore.........he doesn't get to take my credit anymore for any holiday for that matter or any birthday.........

my kids actually call him the scrooge.

my kids will have that memory of a happy holiday with family good food and that is what it's about not the gifts ......that is my gift to them......

You are better than this to let him make you feel like you don't matter or what you do doesn't matter......don't let him do that to you.....

What I have done myself is accepted my husbands' choices as his for his life and that it has nothing to do with me, our kids, or our family and that will be his bear to cross not mine.......

The onus is on him now not me, how he looks. what decisions he makes....

I can't control that all I can do is be ME and all of that as a mother is ME and it makes me happy inside...........and there is nothing wrong with any of that......

My family is important enough for me to give it my all, my time and to just do what makes me happy for them............

I can't control anything else nor will I allow anyone else to ruin who I have always been..........

I usually have a conversation about everything and the decisions that need to be made with him and then accept his choices and decisions ......if he chooses to do nothing then he will have done nothing his choice.......

I will no longer enable that by letting him ride with me with what I do...

As far as the ugliness they say in their affair and my husband did this too, they are mean people, you have to accept that is a part of who he really is.......he has to live with all that himself.....he knows I know .......

You are very early into all of this, so this year I would do what another poster said, just say happy birthday or merry xmas if you feel like if not let the days go by not saying anything ....I would listen to your gut not your guilt.......

Expectations kills us and that is the trap you can't get caught in.......no one thinks the same way so that is just setting yourself up for disappointment....

It's been 6 years now for me and us and I can say my husband has changed a whole lot he is actually now planning things on his own and he knows he has making up to do and that is all on him by himself.........

But it has taken him time to get to being a better man than he was in those days......do what makes you happy be YOU>>>>>>> and don't take on who he is that is up to him......don't save him.........

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SL

 

You always sound so sweet in what you write...always thinking about others. You really didn't deserve this.

 

If you feel he deserves it you can buy him a gift linked to his hobby. ..if he has one? Or an experience day of some kind? Or something personalised to his taste?

 

Do you think he really meant the things he said to his OW? People sometimes say a lot of crap to justify their actions you know.

 

Try and push dday to the back of your mind and focus on you and your kids. The joyful birthdays coming up and the things you have to be grateful for.... I know the first A and you having a second dday is very traumatic.

 

He has to live with the guilt of what he did..... he'll remember that when you look a little down it's because of his actions. He has to live with the guilt of what he did... your conscience is clear. Enjoy the kids .... they're simply priceless and they warm your heart.

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It's been 3 months since the last D-Day.

In a couple of weeks it's my H's Birthday. Again, I buy thoughtless crap gifts & make nothing of the day. I spent weeks/months making pictures/banners & cards with the kids. We chose what I thought were an assortment of cute, fun, meaningful treasures. I wrestled the agony of spine degeneration to make & decorate a cake similar to (what I thought) was a romantic, memorable thing from our past.

He wrote her that "The kids didn't even know it was his birthday" & told me that everything was thoughtless crap!

 

What do I do this year?? Once you know that your best is considered offensive, thoughtless & lame...ugh!!!

Don't be angry, but this entire thread screams co-dependency. Have you had counseling? Are you co-dependent?

 

Your 'last' D-Day was a few months ago, so apparently this guy has put you through several false reconciliations, lies galore, gas-lighting and everything else. And it seems the nastier this rotten cheater is to you, the more you do the 'pick me' dance and wring your hands wondering how you can possibly please him even more.

 

WTF????

 

Lucky for his sorry ass I'm not married to him because he would have been kicked out the front door so damned fast I would have had to FedEx his worthless shadow to him the next day.

 

I cant give you holiday advice on how to kiss this guy's ass because he's clearly not worth it. My gift to him would be my restraint from not putting his head right through a brick wall. That's worth something, I reckon.

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Hubby was in an affair over Christmas. I'm sure he communicated with her that day. I LOVE Christmas. No one is going to steal it from me. We proceeded as usual the first year and hubby got a lump of coal in his stocking. He laughed. We both did.
Awesome image, kl!
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You gave him the best gift of all, a chance to stay in the family, the gift of reconciliation. Is this his second affair with the same woman, you said his former mistress? Perhaps you should talk to a lawyer and give him the gift of freedom. I don't think he's smart enough to understand the gift you have already given him since he squandered the first one.

 

You need to force him with the help of a lawyer to make a final decision. You have to make independent counselling for him an absolute requirement of reconciliation. He needs to find out why he gives himself the approval to cheat or this is what the rest of your life with him will look like. If he's not on his hands and knees groveling for a third chance, don't give it to him, your the prize.

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Don't be angry, but this entire thread screams ... That's worth something, I reckon.
Just making sure you know, SL, to IGNORE diatribes like that (didn't want to repeat the whole disparaging and discouraging post). You've been through so much and I KNOW how unnecessarily discouraging one remark in this vein can be.

 

I think this must be considered the Howard Stern approach on personal forum websites: Make fun, ridicule, act disgusted because 'everybody' laughs at low class bullying. Anonymous forums are perfect venues for them to find truly vulnerable souls at their lowest ebb and sucker-punch them publicly. Well, I'm officially calling this because it has no place in the infidelity forum. I doubt if it works for anyone in any situation, but for a person suffering trauma, it completely backfires. I mean, would you taunt a child abuse victim for not standing up for himself?? It makes me crazy. Same person did it to me recently, too, btw.

 

But I think you know how to handle this just fine, SL. I read your response to a similar post on another of your threads. You gave a completely straightforward answer, addressing each weird accusation and then asked some questions back. I thought you did it intentionally, but it's possible with your trusting nature you missed the poster's mean-spirited digs. Either way, the innocent sincerity was the best exposé conceivable.

 

You don't need to worry about one bully on LS, sl. You have a hard enough task before you as the mother of young children trying to reconcile with an insensitive husband still licking imaginary wounds. I like katielee's lump of coal in the stocking. If your H has a sense of humour, this would certainly lighten the mood.

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My H's A was during the Holiday season last year. We discussed it in MC. The whole season has been rough so far. However, my H is trying to make it better. I did talk with him regarding how the Holiday are making me sad. I still think about the fact that this time last year he was considering starting over with someone else.

 

I will say that his behavior had previously been so bad that I celebrated Easter without him last year. I packed up my kids and headed to my parents. It was one of the best things I did last year. It was a real eye opener for him. If he didn't want to be part of our family that was his decision but the kids and I were going to be just fine. His behavior really started to change after that.

 

I also have seen some of the things my H said about me during the A. I remember working so hard last xmas to make everything great and in his eyes everything I did was just a chore to him. I don't think he really feels that way. During the A nothing I did was right. It is how he justified his actions.

 

We are doing our holiday traditions this year. Like another poster said. I am not going to let his actions take away my children's Holiday.

 

Good luck, hugs

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ShatteredLady

The 'Mummy' advise to just carry on with the kids is striking the strongest cord with me. I know in my head that I can't change another person but in my heart I wish, oh I WISH so many things.

 

If I had the option to take the kids too family I would. I would LOVE to be with family. I was chatting with my 5 year old & she wants to make it a special Christmas for our cats. I can work with that!!

 

I know I'm overwhelmed & I KNOW that I'm not doing what many others would in my situation. I've said many times...I can't make huge life altering decisions at this stage in my life. I mention my health because it does change things. It changes life for everyone close to me. I'm handling each hurdle as it comes along.

 

Just for those who haven't read my other threads... My H had an A 12 years ago with a woman he worked with. It's was a terrible time in my life. Picture what you were doing, thinking 12 years ago?!? It was long before we had kids, before my brother & his mother died. It seemed like a different life until THIS happened. I feel like those long 12 years have been shrunk down to nothing.

 

The A is completely & utterly over. I'm not playing 'pick me'. I want & need peace in my life right now.

 

My H is very passive aggressive & some reading states that only a codependent person would tolerate such behavior long term.

 

I'm one of those people who used 'codependent' in its everyday sense. I used to say the silly romantic "I take care of you & put you first & you take care of me & put me first so we are both first AND both taken very good care of!".

I've researched the term & psychologically there's a lot more to it than being very dependent on someone. I don't fit the true definition.

 

I'm situationally very depressed & apparently have PTSD (I find that embarrassing considering what most PTSD sufferers have lived through!). I'm taking medications for anxiety. I'm limited to what I can (& want) to take given my other meds, procedures & surgeries. I am doing my best to take care of myself.

 

Forums are anonymous & the written word can be limiting. I know members only see the sides of me that are discussed in threads. I'm used to using forums to vent, share & support. By their nature chronic pain forums are about the long-term. Sometimes I feel like LS type forums want members to post their issue, get their advise & move on through...I'm not sure that's what I need.

Edited by ShatteredLady
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I'm situationally very depressed & apparently have PTSD (I find that embarrassing considering what most PTSD sufferers have lived through!). I'm taking medications for anxiety. I'm limited to what I can (& want) to take given my other meds, procedures & surgeries. I am doing my best to take care of myself.

 

You shouldn't be embarrased, PTSD and associated anxiety are a common reaction to trauma, any trauma, and infidelity can traumatic. It's to be expected. You shouldn't try to minimize what you went through and continue to go through.

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afoolto no end

Everyone that goes through the trauma you have had and being ill on top of things is going to have to convince herself everyday every situation to trust what is at that moment ......that is the key only worry about that moment don't look into the future make those moments the best you can and then move on to the next moment........

why don't you start a little journal and let's say list 5 things daily your grateful for and 5 thing you did because you loved someone else.......and then 5 things you did for yourself...........keep it simple, keep life simple.

Xmas cats sounds fun.........

 

Just stay in the moment don't worry about tomorrow for now......

I also have spine issues, had surgery 2 weeks before last xmas.....I am not 100% but I am better .....

Things get better in time.....

Just lean on your friends here....we all feel similar with things that are wrong in our lives....just having someone listen helps

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