jestay Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 I have been in a relationship for quite a while. If you count the long distance (didn't even see each other at all) we've been together for 4 years. We've been living together for 2.5 years. We're not engaged, so that says something. Last Christmas I was thinking about proposing, even told a couple friends, but it didn't happen. The relationship doesn't feel like a relationship. I feel like we're just friends. We have no sex life at all (thanks to have a breastfeeding toddler). She has no desire to have sex or do anything sexual. She constantly projects everything on to me and turns everything into my fault, though she doesn't think she does. I have been talking to my ex on and off for about a year. Nothing bad, just chatting. We dated 13 years ago (I'm 28 now) so it wasn't a recent thing. She was dating someone and really happy, so I didn't think anything of it. But we reminisced sometimes about the "old days" and it was nice. Made me wonder how things would have been if we would have worked out. Her relationship recently ended. I met with her for coffee last week and it was so weird. A lot of feelings reemerged and butterflies. I'm going to be seeing her again and I want to cheat. I want to see her now and would if I could. I get hard just thinking about her and seeing her. We've been chatting more and there is flirting. She was my first relationship and lately I've been wondering if maybe it was always supposed to be her (the "one"). My girlfriend doesn't know I saw her. She's gotten mad in the past when I wanted to go for coffee with my ex. She doesn't know I'm seeing her again. She thinks I'm going to help a friend buy furniture and I'll stay the night. She is a nice girl and she's the mother of my child who I love. I'm attracted to her and somewhat still like her, but it doesn't feel like a relationship. If we didn't have a child, we wouldn't be together. But she is COMPLETELY happy and sees nothing wrong with our relationship. When I think about her, I don't want to cheat on her. But when I think about my ex, I want to. a= Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Maybe you should spend some time working on a relationship with your kids mother. Sounds like you're off in fantasyland. But you have to live in the real world 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jestay Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 Maybe you should spend some time working on a relationship with your kids mother. Sounds like you're off in fantasyland. But you have to live in the real world There is nothing to work out if she won't put in the effort. We have no sex life. Pre-baby we had a good sex life. But my child is 1.5 and nothing has changed back. She does not put in the effort to just try. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Sounds like you will do what you please... you already do - behind her back. Go for it!!!! your kid... her life.... eh . who cares! DO YOU! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 If your relationship with your GF is dead then be man enough to tell her that you are breaking the relationship. If you have not had any sex with your GF then your relationship with her is in deep trouble but only you can make the decision that it is dead and cannot be revived. You need to first make up your mind about your GF before you start imaging how great your old teen flame will make your life great. It is very easy to imagine that your old teen GF is going to fix everything for you. Ask yourself if you will feel that way if you have to face all the stress that married life and life in general will give you when you live with your old teen flame for a few years. You are in a bad relationship now and you are allowing your feelings to dictate to you. You can either break it off with your current GF or make a real strong effort to get things a lot better. Do one or the other but do not cop out like a punk and betray your child’s mother. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Have you actually had an honest conversation with your girlfriend/mother of your child and told her how unhappy you are and that maybe it would be better if you two split up and shared custody of your child? You two would be happier apart as co parents. Sneaking off and cheating on her isn't going to help, if anything when she finds out it'll be much worse, and you'll be the devil in her eyes for betraying her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 There is nothing to work out if she won't put in the effort. We have no sex life. Pre-baby we had a good sex life. But my child is 1.5 and nothing has changed back. She does not put in the effort to just try. It's obvious you aren't in love with your girlfriend, so end it. Why stay and pretend life is good when you're cheating and having an A? It's selfish and cruel of you to stay with her now that you've more or less admitted you wish had married someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 So why betray yourself? How will that help? It's just another thing to heal from. LeAve your GF, figure out what you want in life and THEN have a relationship. By the way, does this ex know you have a SO and a child? What kind of person is she carrying on with a guy in another relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Uh, dude, you're already cheating. Try to save SOME sense of dignity and just break up already, so your girlfriend can go find someone who WON'T cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
World's.Edge Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 It seems like one of these "I'm going to cheat' threads pop up every now and then in the Infidelity section. Why isn't this in the The Other Man / Woman section? I have a hard time believing that this is real. Anyone with this attitude and mentality wouldn't post on a forum, they'd just do what they want. What other reason would someone have for posting in this section other than to get reactions and responses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 We're not engaged, so that says something. you have a child with her - that says much more than you NOT being engaged. I'm going to be seeing her again and I want to cheat. why is it not clear to you that breaking up is ALSO an option? grow a pair and deal with the situation like a man - either tell your girlfriend the truth and work on the relationship OR leave. why is that such a rocket science to you? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 What have you done to address the issue other than complain about no sex and then decide to cheat? Women with small breastfeeding babies tend to lose their libido. Tiredness, hormones, lingering physical discomfort, lack of confidence in their bodies, all contribute. Is this a good reason for prolonged sexual abstinence? No, it isn't. It needs addressing but that is something that you should address together. From your posts I can't see that you have done or are prepared to do anything about this. Your solution is to cheat? What do you intend to happen to your primary relationship when you cheat? Because I can tell you it won't do it any good at all. If you don't care why the hell no end it now before turning into a total arse? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 There is nothing to work out if she won't put in the effort. We have no sex life. Pre-baby we had a good sex life. But my child is 1.5 and nothing has changed back. She does not put in the effort to just try. This is a function of you "not putting in the effort" - anyone can read as much here. (where "effort", in this case, means much more than to announce your mere will to have sex) You have put forth no more "effort" toward your relationship at home than you have in making this announcement for the Loveshack audience. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 communicate, communicate & lastly communicate. note that not everyone is a mind reader. If your having problems and not getting enough physical intimacy do inform your partner. yes tell your partner, don't be a failure in communication. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 What is important is that you said your pre baby sex life was good and that things changed after birth. You also say that your GF thinks things are fine. Childbirth can effect a womans libido and sense of sexiness. Some also project all of their love on the child and may have little left for the husband. The change in her may not be psychological but physical. I would suggest you give it another 1.5 years. Get a babysitter. Work on reestablishing non sexual intamacy, walking and talking, holding hands, kissing and let her know you still think she is sexy. At the same time have honest conversations about your needs with the understanding that you realize that she is in a different place right now, and you don't want to force it, but you its hard to be around her and not want to MAKE LOVE to her because that's how you see her. As a beautiful woman that you want to make love to. Your child is worth your patience. You love her so the time is miniscule and the effort will either reward the both of you or free you because you made a solid conscious effort to save this. Dont cheat. Maintain your honor. Wait. If it does work out, perhaps you should consider giving her the safety and security of a ring. Who knows, that might be the problem right there. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 She is a nice girl and she's the mother of my child who I love. I'm attracted to her and somewhat still like her, but it doesn't feel like a relationship. If we didn't have a child, we wouldn't be together. But she is COMPLETELY happy and sees nothing wrong with our relationship. When I think about her, I don't want to cheat on her. But when I think about my ex, I want to. a= That's what happens when you're foolish enough to have a kid with someone that you're not even sure you want to spend a lifetime with. If you weren't even motivated enough to propose to her, that means you don't yet see her as a lifetime commitment. So why the hell would you have a kid with her? She'll just end up as yet another typical young single mother statistic which is so common, now. How about you have a just s shred of integrity and tell her it ain't working for you and move on? And when you do move on, practice responsible birth control so you don't get into another foolish situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 I would suggest counselling, and not going back to the ex while you are attached. This is going to get ugly. Think of your child. If you have a daughter, would you want this happening to her? Be honest with your gf, then decide whether you want a relationship with her or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 I met with her for coffee last week and it was so weird. A lot of feelings reemerged and butterflies. I'm going to be seeing her again and I want to cheat. I want to see her now and would if I could. I get hard just thinking about her and seeing her. We've been chatting more and there is flirting. She was my first relationship and lately I've been wondering if maybe it was always supposed to be her (the "one"). My girlfriend doesn't know I saw her. She's gotten mad in the past when I wanted to go for coffee with my ex. She doesn't know I'm seeing her again. She thinks I'm going to help a friend buy furniture and I'll stay the night. You think it takes sex for it to be cheating - you're wrong. But then you also think sex is the only important measure of your connection to the mother of your child - wrong again. I feel sorry for the people depending on you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Think about this. You would be really mad if your present girlfriend did to you what your doing to her. Then you would be on this forum complaining about how she cheated on you with her ex BF. Second is this. Your seeing your Ex on the side now. She's an Ex for a reason. There had to be a reason why your still not with her so what makes you think that the second time around will be any better? That bumpy stretch of road you had with her and why you aren't with her is still there. So all your doing is cutting off your nose to spite your face. There comes a point in time when you have to step up to the plate and the time is now. If your not happy and want to move on then sit your lady down and tell her, then move on. It's the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 At least it's clear now that you don't love your girlfriend, and probably never did. You can stop pretending now. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 If you are upset DIVORCE her then do what you want. Notice I said divorce, because a separation isn't good enough and isn't actually an automatic "we can totally bang others" type of deal. I just do not understand why grown ups seem to have this issue with not messing around until you are out of the relationship. Is it a thing in the worlds water supply that does it? Is it something in the air? Is it some built in instinct? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 If you are upset DIVORCE her then do what you want. Notice I said divorce, because a separation isn't good enough and isn't actually an automatic "we can totally bang others" type of deal. It's not even that complicated - they're not married. The OP's only legal obligation is the support of his child... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author jestay Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 That's what happens when you're foolish enough to have a kid with someone that you're not even sure you want to spend a lifetime with. If you weren't even motivated enough to propose to her, that means you don't yet see her as a lifetime commitment. So why the hell would you have a kid with her? She'll just end up as yet another typical young single mother statistic which is so common, now. How about you have a just s shred of integrity and tell her it ain't working for you and move on? And when you do move on, practice responsible birth control so you don't get into another foolish situation. She got pregnant on purpose. She said she was on birth control but wasn't. She wanted a baby (had a miscarriage from an unplanned pregnancy then wanted another baby). She said she went on the shot but didn't then hid the pregnancy from me until she was something like 18 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jestay Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 Second is this. Your seeing your Ex on the side now. She's an Ex for a reason. There had to be a reason why your still not with her so what makes you think that the second time around will be any better? That bumpy stretch of road you had with her and why you aren't with her is still there. So all your doing is cutting off your nose to spite your face. We were like 16 when we broke up. At that point in your life you might dump someone for what they ate at lunch. It ended because she wanted to bring another girl into the bedroom, so we did. Then she got mad because of it. Teenagers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jestay Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 why is it not clear to you that breaking up is ALSO an option? Because we have a child together and I like seeing them every day. Link to post Share on other sites
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