HurtHusband Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Hello, I was just wondering has anyone here confronted their spouse while they were with their affair partner? Is it a good/bad idea? If you knew when/where it's going to happen would you crash their party?? My wife has been in an emotional affair for months with someone she has had a physical fling with 5 years ago. I don't know when he will visit but I assume it could be within the next few months. I monitor my wife's phone and have been taking screenshots since it started. He's married with two young kids and lives in the US. We are in Asia. I might actually be divorced before he visits depending on legal advice. I was thinking of hiring a P.I to get photos of them together. I know she will try to stay at a hotel with him / so I was thinking of confronting them and handing her divorce papers to sign and telling him I will be contacting his wife. While she's off having her fun, I could simply just text her or phone her and tell her we're finished. I would be with our kids. I would like to hear from anyone who has faced a similar situation 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Wasted time, energy and money and it will have no benefit. I have been following your saga since your first post and the only thing you can do is to get as sound legal advice as you can possibly get and get away from that monster with as much dignity and self-respect and access to your children as you can. Anything else is simply spitting in the wind. she already knows she treats you as dog poop and she and her AP are well aware of their affair, so what possible benefit can come from confronting them. She is sick enough you could walk in on them f*king and she would ask you to go get her a glass of water because she is working up such a thirst. The only exception would be if your lawyer advised you to have a PI get pictures if that would help your case in court. And if that is the case, that is something to have the lawyer arrange and work out with their own investigators. There wouldn't really be anything for you to do there other than assist the investigators to know where she'll be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 I did and I caught them in the act. It took me a year of EMDR therapy to deal with that picture in my head and also, the trauma of my husband telling me I caused my own trauma by spying on him. You can imagine how much time that took to work out... I wouldn't recommend it. I would recommend having the PI do their job and get back to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 I was thinking of hiring a P.I to get photos of them together. I know she will try to stay at a hotel with him / so I was thinking of confronting them and handing her divorce papers to sign and telling him I will be contacting his wife. file for divorce. get pictures and send it to OM's wife! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 I second katielee's advice. Seeing them in the act is quite traumatizing. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 If you know that their in a affair be it a PA or EA, you have to ask your attorney if hiring a PI or confronting them will do any good. Chances are that it really wont do much if you live in a no fault state so if you know that the marriage is doomed then get out of it ASAP, start to heal and move on with your life Link to post Share on other sites
razze Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 ^^ This. If you live in a state where courts do not consider infidelity (as is the case in most states) you are wasting your time and money. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 (edited) Read two sites https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_law_in_Japan http://www.law-t.jp/pdf/divorce-and-the-best-interest-of-the-child_EN-TRANSLATION.pdf The second link is for you. I think the page you want is 7 of the PDA. Doc pages are 568 & 569, case site was husband cheated, married AP, got custody, had AP adopt child. Bio mother gone, I worked for a japanese company in the states, so I might have some insight into their mind set. Wisdom; who ever said money cannot buy happeyness was never on a court room. The law only applies to the details. Got a bad case, change the details. THAT IS WHAT MAKES A GREAT LAWYER. Is your wife Japanese? Edited November 26, 2015 by Jersey born raised Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 ^^ This. If you live in a state where courts do not consider infidelity (as is the case in most states) you are wasting your time and money. HH is in Japan with a Japanese wife. He will need to defer to an attorney well versed in international family law in Japan. Perhaps in Japanese family court, proving an adulterous wife may effect court judgements. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Wasted time, energy and money and it will have no benefit. I have been following your saga since your first post and the only thing you can do is to get as sound legal advice as you can possibly get and get away from that monster with as much dignity and self-respect and access to your children as you can. Anything else is simply spitting in the wind. she already knows she treats you as dog poop and she and her AP are well aware of their affair, so what possible benefit can come from confronting them. She is sick enough you could walk in on them f*king and she would ask you to go get her a glass of water because she is working up such a thirst. The only exception would be if your lawyer advised you to have a PI get pictures if that would help your case in court. And if that is the case, that is something to have the lawyer arrange and work out with their own investigators. There wouldn't really be anything for you to do there other than assist the investigators to know where she'll be. The humiliation THEY would suffer. They would have to live with the shame of being caught in the act. Sorry but Id do it just for that. The embarrassment of being caught red handed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Why would you not expose to his wife now????? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 (edited) Hello, While she's off having her fun, I could simply just text her or phone her and tell her we're finished. I would be with our kids. muhahaha ! I like this. Tell her the divorce papers are completed. don't let her temporarily reach the kids, go silent for an hour. Make her panic at the hotel with her lover. At the very same time you send that text to her "we are finished I have the divorce papers". Then without telling her - text the OM's wife with the evidence. Then he can begin getting his texts from his wife at the hotel as well as they both bounce around the room screaming in panic. If the phone snapshots are very clear and explicit not sure you need more proof for anyone but thats up to your attorney. Extra proof is always good to have if you can afford it. Edited November 27, 2015 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 The humiliation THEY would suffer. They would have to live with the shame of being caught in the act. Sorry but Id do it just for that. The embarrassment of being caught red handed. You haven't been following HH's story from the beginning. HH's wife is a soulless, inhuman monster that has no conscious and no shame. And her AP is just a letch that will empty his tank into whatever has spread legs. They couldn't scrounge up a shred of shame or humiliation between the two of them. HH could walk in on them and catch them in the downstroke and she would charge him admission to stand there and watch. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 It's an EA, he's married with two kids under 6. They have not seen each other since 2009. I know this because there are letters from the summer of 2009 in her drawer written by him and signed/dated. Disneyland/dancing/clubs I think about you so much and the time you kissed the back of my neck was amazing' that sort of thing! Now fast forward to 2015 / she had a full blown PA with my friend during the summer of 2014 ( possibly 2 months) which ended in her getting pregnant and confessing and than having an abortion in sep 2014. She than starts emailing the guy from 2009 out of the blue. He takes the bait, the messages are fairly general, but mention their kids etc and it's like me and his wife don't exist..? Valentines gifts, photos exchanged, he try's to wrangle a work related trip to come over and see her. Than he says 'the good news' is he will visit but not sure of the exact date yet. She is ecstatic and asks him what he wants to do.. 'Romantic meal and stay at a hot spring resort' is what he wants to do. My wife is very flirty.. I was abroad for a month with our eldest and she texted him saying ' I am free for a whole month, can you come on over? Of course he couldn't at such short notice. He writes that 'you have a special place in my heart and I will never stop trying to see you' she writes ' I think about you every day and I'm still in love with you' lol! It's an emotional fantasy affair outlet for her and a chance for him to have fun and get his rocks off while being far away from his wife and family. It's crazy but it's impending and I know some week in the next few months this man will be flying over here for a week with his head full of illicit liaisons with my partner. ( sorry I don't like to think of her as 'wife' anymore ) A P.I photos etc. I don't want her saying I'm some sort of paranoid nutter and that she's the sobbing victim and I'm some heartless bad man trying to steal the kids. An affair is grounds for divorce here. All the texts are damning enough/ but when he visits I could contact his wife / leave my wife / do everything at that time, they've made their bed now they can sleep in it sort of thing Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Two affairs, a pregnancy, and she's still at it? You need to be done. The question you should be asking yourself is why you're still with her. I'm so sorry... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 so you really think by walking in on them doing it is going to help you . You are more likely going to either kick his ass, get your ass kicked , or wind up in jail . Your wife is a serial cheater . Multiple affairs and she is at it again . What are you trying to save here . You really think you are going to feel better if you catch them and she tells you to go home and stay with him at the hotel. My bet is that is what will happen . Stop the games and file the divorce papers . Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Two affairs, a pregnancy, and she's still at it? You need to be done. The question you should be asking yourself is why you're still with her. I'm so sorry... Exactly!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 Jersey born raised..thank you for the pdf link! I had read about takao tanase in the past. He is a very well respected lawyer and advocate of joint parental rights. As you can see from the PDF. The culture, the mindset, the court here are very different and they think a clean break where one parent drops out of the children's lives is the best solution. The kids are innocent and love both of us, it's not that I want to cut their mother out of their life. She can be a good parent, but I worry that by exposing her affairs she will be vindictive and unreasonable and cut me out of their life. If that happens no court can force her, the custodial parent is all powerful and any decisions by the court are just non enforceable recommendations as there are no visitation laws here and shared custody ( legally ) does not exist. I would have to leave with the kids and move to a different address. The divorce paper here is just 1 page that you hand into city hall. I would have to strong arm by wife and basically say..sign the divorce paper and acknowledge that I have sole physical and legal custody of the children. If you don't sign that you won't see me or the kids. ( this is not illegal here, as possession = custody ) You have to realize that when you sign a divorce paper here, you lose all parental rights! I am not joking and that's why in the past whenever my wife mentioned the word divorce I **** myself and backed down. It might sound nice and civil as in ' I sign it, I move out, she promises to be fair etc' but if she meets another man or wants to re-marry etc. than its over, I might be replaced. If we divorce here than I have to have full custody and it has to be recognized by the courts,the authorities, the school everyone. I know dozens of parents here and overseas who have not seen there kids in 2, 5 or more years. And there is absolutely nothing they can do. I do not want to join their ranks and be a shut out parent. If this is their system and I have to essentially kidnap my own kids and deny my wife the chance to see them until custody is established than that's what I will have to do. I don't like it or agree with it, but feel like if I am to guarantee that I will be in their lives and be able to carry on being their father and parent than its what I have to do. I can't continue living like this and it's her choices that put me in this unfortunate position. if I had sole custody than I would not be a dick to their mother. I would be happy if the kids saw their mother practically every day and if she played an important role in their lives. It's sad, because I wanted a family for my kids, not separated parents. But if we live nearby and are both actively involved in their lives and provide lots of love for them than that's the best we can do. I am just protecting my rights as their father. The kids go to international schools with an English western curriculum. They have been back to my country and know their cousins and aunties and my side of the family. They have both passports and are citizens of both countries. I want to continue all that. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Best thing to do is (1) send the proof to the OM's wife, (2) divorce your wife without telling her, and (3) move her stuff out and put it into a storage container and mail her the key along with the divorce papers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mind-Chants Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Sir First of all I am so sorry for your situation. I want u to know that after reading this read I went to read all other threads u started to get the whole picture going on. You situation is very much similar to what my best friend witnessed. Here are few of my thoughts:- 1. First of all ur wife is neurotic and also narcissistic. She can't ctrl her impulses. For last one and half year all events point to the fact that she has no interest in you whatsoever. Its just she is looking out for a better deal. 2. I feel u let her walk all over you. She took your silence your lack of protest as a go sign to do watever u want which have reached to a point where u urself might be in trouble. You are talking about divorce. How can u be sure that she will not threaten to kill you when u mention divorce to her. (she already threatened to kill ur child). Are you sure she is not going to do any harm when she receives a letter about the divorce given in person or via mail. 3. I feel since u didn't stood upto her she takes it as a sign to override u in any matter she wants. An yes u broke down at work. U feel ur chilren don't see that u r sad. I believe u r thinking it wrong. Children are good observers usually their behavior is attention seeking at that age. They must be noticing. One of my counselor friends once told me about a student (under 10) at place he works and said that her parents pretend to be happy in-front of her but were actually fighting behind her. She is sad about that. It turns out they were having an infidelity issues and that little girl observed the tension. What u r fearing as short term loss may have long term consequences. I feel u should stand up to her and have an honest communication maintaining your stand. Once at least dare to stand for yourself. Ur avoidance coping strategy would never yield any result and it would only end up hurting u and ur children. See its already building up in u and u r having breakdowns. I dont know much about the legal complexities in Japan, if u can video record while confronting her it would be a great evidence for getting custody in case there is a chance as she has threatened to kill her child. OMG i feel sick typing this. Also bring this issue while confronting so that she can't lie latter. May be I am wrong bcoz I am not a parent yet. But I feel so bad for u. May u have all strength. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted November 28, 2015 Author Share Posted November 28, 2015 Turnera.. I completely agree and those are the steps I have to take. Mind-chants.. Thank you for your thoughts.. I don't know if she is looking for a better deal.. The EA OM is married with two young kids and works in the PD. I doubt he is going to throw everything away and move here or that she would uproot our kids and nice there. They haven't seen each other in over 5 yrs and he would only be visiting for a week. Seeing each other again might bring back 'feelings' for each other but I think it's unrealistic and unlikely that they actually want to be together. The last OM was married too.. Tbh it's hard to sit down and have a conversation with my wife because I can't trust any promise she makes and it's not a fair conversation. I stood up to her once and she said she'd divorce me and I could see the kids once a month and that she would put them in a different school so that I would see less of them.. I don't know if she actually do that but it scared me when she said that.. Remember she wound be the judge and jury if she has physical possession of the kids. I think when she goes off to meet him it will be my time to exit. I can't get past the first affair which was horrible, but doing it again? No way... I will have afew weeks/months to get ready and be prepared.. The kids are happy and have a good life .. But the eldest drew a picture recently saying ' I love daddy, I'm happy when your happy, I love you' which made me stop and think... We never argue but she might notice her parents have no touchy feely affection or family group hugs.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mind-Chants Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 I believe she doesn't like confrontations. She threatens every time u confront her with anything. So catching her in the act isn't going to be a easy ride for you. Out of grudge she may do things which u may not like. EA in past. Infidelity with pregnancy followed by another emotional affair (after the whole D-day events) is just too much in a plate. The EA itself is cheating, whether they meet or not doesn't matter. I understand u are just trying to justify the whole thing but I have a question for you, would it make any difference if u confront her now rather than when she meets the om??? I tend to believe that there won't be much difference rather it would create more issues. OM being there would add extra emotional weight to her reactions and decisions. The fact that she gave u free pass to stray out of marriage is just her trying to create her own space and justify her own actions using you as bait. I believe she restarted her EA after giving you her free pass. It was convenient for her to justify her own actions. Things are now somewhat ok. If you can legally settle for a joint custody without blaming her in anyway would be a amicable solution. In some post u mentioned about a friend of urs who have the same arrangement. Talk with her do a 180. Say her that u have a feeling that she doesn't want to be with you, that she is drifting away and its just too much for you. Mention about the affair. How you are yet to get past it. Mention about the breakdown. She should know the damage she is doing. How u tried to remain committed to marriage. U didn't stray or do anything even after she gave u free pass. Try to hint for separation without really saying anything directly. Her reactions would be great clues for you for future actions. Her further mails to OM would also clarify more about the situation or any plans she have made in her head. Some kind of communication is important before its too late. Again nobody knows her better than u. So be honest to yourself and act in your best interest. I know u love ur kids and I hope u would find peace soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Mind-Chants Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 On a side note she threatens u with divorce means she must have contemplated divorcing u at some stage and had her research. She knows what she is going to lose and what she is going to gain. Yes she is well aware of consequences that's why she didn't divorce you. I feel she knows she has lot to lose of she is divorcing u. No work, holidays, affairs while u are working 3 jobs. She is never going to get this kind of deal. It's time to give her taste of her own medicines. She may move away, distance kids and other things. Some times long term solutions are better than immediate gratifications. At some stage she is definitely going to fold. As mentioned OM is definitely not going to rescue her. It would make things actually easy for you. Make a joint custody agreement and expose her cheating escapades. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Best thing to do is (1) send the proof to the OM's wife, (2) divorce your wife without telling her, and (3) move her stuff out and put it into a storage container and mail her the key along with the divorce papers. That is the plan. Or take the kids on a trip to the US the day she leaves to be with the OM and then meet up with the OMW. I bet that would rock both of their worlds...... And you would be in the US already with your kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Your greatest problem is fear of your wife. You fear your wife more than you fear God, that is if you belief in one. the new OM will come over, impregnate your wife and she will refuse to abort Then you will have no option than to raise the OM's child. What happened to your plan of escaping with your to your home country by January 2016? No real man will tolerate your wife's wickedness and using his kids as an excuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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