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Am I the only spouse that doesn't want to know?


Whoknew30

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My husband & I both had affairs at one point. We got through it & everytings has been fine for years. I've recently ran into my ExAP (he's married now with 2 kids) I enjoyed seeing him, we talked & went on our way. My husband hates him (of course) but he isn't the reason I had the affair & I'll always care about him even though we have NC. My husband has ran into his ExOW also & has told me about it but I didn't want him to. I don't see the point. Am I the only person that thinks this can cause problems? I saw my exOM & know I want no part of him in that way & know my husband doesn't want his the same way either. I've seen his OW face to face while pregnant & honestly it did not one thing to me, I've let all that go. If it's been a long time, why does BS want to know if WS has run into ExAP? Doesn't it just bring back things you've let go? Also at one point ExOW tried again with my husband & when he said she kept calling, I told him you caused this for yourself, you deal with it & leave me out of it. Why deal with his mess, I feel if a spouse wants only you then they should take care it. Is that wrong?

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My husband & I both had affairs at one point. We got through it & everytings has been fine for years. I've recently ran into my ExAP (he's married now with 2 kids) I enjoyed seeing him, we talked & went on our way. My husband hates him (of course) but he isn't the reason I had the affair & I'll always care about him even though we have NC. My husband has ran into his ExOW also & has told me about it but I didn't want him to. I don't see the point. Am I the only person that thinks this can cause problems? I saw my exOM & know I want no part of him in that way & know my husband doesn't want his the same way either. I've seen his OW face to face while pregnant & honestly it did not one thing to me, I've let all that go. If it's been a long time, why does BS want to know if WS has run into ExAP? Doesn't it just bring back things you've let go? Also at one point ExOW tried again with my husband & when he said she kept calling, I told him you caused this for yourself, you deal with it & leave me out of it. Why deal with his mess, I feel if a spouse wants only you then they should take care it. Is that wrong?

 

What works for you, works for you. Not everyone approaches this the same. Most bs didn't also cheat so that aspect is very different. The ap helped to hurt the bs why would they be ok with them?

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"Why deal with his mess, I feel if a spouse wants only you then they should take care it. Is that wrong?"

 

How can it be 'wrong' as it is your marriage and your feelings.

 

I think the fact that you are madhatters makes a difference. When you are the BS only then there is (for a time) a sense of imbalance that can lead to insecurity. But by and large I think that I would be OK with H seeing OW now - after all I have to be able to trust him and if I don't that is where the problem would lie.

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In few days, weeks, months, years, your husband will say : " I seen your exAP, he has children" and you will answer "Yeah, I know", and you will see in his eyes than you ****ed up...

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Also at one point ExOW tried again with my husband & when he said she kept calling

 

That's exactly why a BS would normally like to be told. Affairs are built on secrecy and deception, recovery is built on transparency and truth...

 

Mr. Lucky

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If my husband stopped to talk to either of

His AP, his accomplices in breaking my heart, I'd file for divorce the next day. I'm assuming the same would be true for him.

How can you enjoy seeing this man?

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Why should you expect he trust you if you still keep secrets about your affair partner from him? This is not about causing more problems, this is about building back the trust so he feels safe with you. You should question your own thinking which I think you are doing by posting here. Tell him, as a betrayed spouse I would want to know and I think most BS's would.

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I'll always care about him even though we have NC.

 

does your husband know this? Because this would be a dealbreaker for me.

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Betrayed&Stayed

If that works for you two, then so be it.

 

Yes, I would want to know. If my wife ever sought to reconnect with her ex-AP, I would end our marriage immediately. If she bumped into the ex-AP, I would expect to her remove herself as quickly as possible. If she stopped to chit-chat with AP, I would want to know because I would consider that a breach of my trust. My wife has forfeited all her rights to keep any secrets from me, especially in regards to her affair.

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So in other words you will always care about and had an absolutely lovely time chatting up the man you had an affair with. You feel this is the behavior of someone who is sorry they had an affair?

 

Saying you will always care about the man you cheated with is just to sick and disrespectful to me I just don't see how this marriage is "fine" unless you guys just constantly lie to each other about what you are really feeling.

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Betrayed&Stayed
My wife has forfeited all her rights to keep any secrets from me, especially in regards to her affair.

 

More accurately, she forfeited her right to receive the benefit of the doubt when it comes to her affair and communicating with her ex-AP.

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OP - so you'd be ok if your husband thought fondly of his AP and occasionally exchanged pleasantries if they ran into each other?

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In few days, weeks, months, years, your husband will say : " I seen your exAP, he has children" and you will answer "Yeah, I know", and you will see in his eyes than you ****ed up...

 

He would never tell me he ran into him.

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Your relationship lacks trust and honesty.

 

You and your husband function at a much lower level than healthy relationships do. You cheat, you lie, you brush everything under the rug and pretend everythings ok.

 

If that works for you, then great, most would not settle for such scraps.

 

I know I wouldn't.

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If my husband stopped to talk to either of

His AP, his accomplices in breaking my heart, I'd file for divorce the next day. I'm assuming the same would be true for him.

How can you enjoy seeing this man?

 

I don't have any hard feelings against this man bc I did care for him. I chose to save my marriage & ive worked very hard to do that. Most people that I have talked to don't hate their affair partner, why would they? I chose to handle my marriage problems wrong, I brought him in, I screwed up & handled things wrong. I myself can't put the blame on the OM, yes he slept with a woman having marriage problems & he cared for me. He made it known, I hurt him too. My husband also hurt his OW, when we chose to forgive each other, didn't mean, that meant hating the AP, that meant not having contact & letting them go. There are many people from my past I care about that I don't have contact with anymore.

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Your relationship lacks trust and honesty.

 

You and your husband function at a much lower level than healthy relationships do. You cheat, you lie, you brush everything under the rug and pretend everythings ok.

 

If that works for you, then great, most would not settle for such scraps.

 

I know I wouldn't.

 

This has been over 6 years, neither of has been unfaithful & he asked me how to handle the OW & I said however you chose. I feel secure that he doesn't want her that way & I don't want my ExAP that way, how is that scraps? We had another child & our marriage has been way better than before.

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I don't have any hard feelings against this man bc I did care for him. I chose to save my marriage & ive worked very hard to do that. Most people that I have talked to don't hate their affair partner, why would they? I chose to handle my marriage problems wrong, I brought him in, I screwed up & handled things wrong. I myself can't put the blame on the OM, yes he slept with a woman having marriage problems & he cared for me. He made it known, I hurt him too. My husband also hurt his OW, when we chose to forgive each other, didn't mean, that meant hating the AP, that meant not having contact & letting them go. There are many people from my past I care about that I don't have contact with anymore.

 

Why would you hold fond feelings for someone who helped aid in the destruction of your marriage?

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Why should you expect he trust you if you still keep secrets about your affair partner from him? This is not about causing more problems, this is about building back the trust so he feels safe with you. You should question your own thinking which I think you are doing by posting here. Tell him, as a betrayed spouse I would want to know and I think most BS's would.

 

My husband feels safe, never said he didn't. I ran into this guy once in 6 years. He doesn't know my number, email nor did we exchange any kind of contact. It's been so long since we've discussed either of these people, so I was curious to what others do, so I came on here & reading I'm happy we've done it the way we did. I don't want to live a life, checking phone records & emails. If I had to live that way, I'd rather a divorce.

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I don't think we're talking about hate - we're talking about indifference.

This is someone who hurt your husband and was your partner in crime in committing a disgusting act against your husband and your marriage.. Again, why even give him the time of day?

you have mentioned NC. But it's not being kept. NC means walking right past him and not engaging with him at all.

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I don't want to live a life, checking phone records & emails. If I had to live that way, I'd rather a divorce.

 

no one has said that.. what we've suggested is transparency by the WS being proactively honest, not the BS snooping around.

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Why would you hold fond feelings for someone who helped aid in the destruction of your marriage?

 

He didn't help aid anything. I did it bc I wanted to. It was 100% my decision, he didn't make me, he didn't talk me into it or convince me. I married young, didn't know how to handle my problems & was wrong. I can't put that on someone else. If it wasn't him (at that time) it would have happened with someone else eventually. Just as I know it wasn't the OW that put a gun to my husband's head. He chose that with her & also hurt her in the process. Yes, they both knew we were married but neither one of them stood at that alter with us. It was 100% our fault.

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no one has said that.. what we've suggested is transparency by the WS being proactively honest, not the BS snooping around.

 

It's been 6 years since I've seen him. I won't see him again, I have no intention of a relationship. What's the point bringing it up 6 years later? I feel bad when I see him bc I hurt him too. The one key factor on both sides was me. I sucked a man that really cared for me in a **** situation& then never talked to him again. I went through all that he'll with my husband (well before I caught him). I hurt two men & I don't hate the other one I also hurt. I truly was happy to hear he was happy & married now with kids of his own.

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