was your head in the sand??

[i am gutted]

as many of us do I suppose, I am sitting here and have re thought about things and wondered if any of you have felt the same?

 

 

looking back on the past before your d day, did things happen and when you suspected something and confronted WS (not knowing they were wayward at the time) did you believe them because you loved them and thought that there was no way they would deceive you?

 

 

I am sorry if this is confusing - I know what I want to say but finding it hard to put into print.

 

 

now, looking back, for me, there were things over the years that happened and I was told that there was nothing going on etc etc but now, I see that they were red flags and if feel like I have been a fool for so long.

 

 

I believed what was said to me because I loved him and couldn't imagine him being a liar and cheat.........

 

 

interested in others views........

[Sandy43]

As soon as I saw his phone and iPad had a lock on it I knew something was up, I casually asked about the locks and he gave me some lame excuse. I knew right then that I need to not let him know that I was suspicious and start investigating.

 

Thinking back now there were no signs prior to this, eventhough they had been chatting for a while. I guess I became suspicious when the relationship started to progress.

[Midwestmissy]

I think the red flags I saw and ignored are what I regret the most. The first time was when he brought home some homemade treats from work, I asked who made them & he said her name. I said "who is she again?" And he flipped out about how little I cared about his job and what he did all day. Every hair on my neck stood up. In 25 years, he'd never responded like that. The second time was when I asked for his phone and he held it over his head and said "you need to stay the h@@@ out of my s@@t." And I froze. So out of character, it frightened me. The anger he had shut me right up. Also out if character. I started vomiting pretty much daily for the next few months, which he told me was me being dramatic. It's so painful to write that out, I feel so ignorant for not acting and validating myself.

 

I regret so much that I didn't investigate then, but honestly, he raged and convinced me that I was ungrateful and crazy. I need to try to always listen to my inner voice - my body screamed at me that something was wrong. I guess the truth was too difficult to imagine. Plus if everything was my fault, then I had the power to single handedly fix the marriage. Stupid stupid stupid.

 

I was even berated when I found a hotel receipt. And I didn't stand up for myself - the lie he came up with on the spot was so mean and angry I just froze up.

 

I regret so much about how I behaved back then. It's been a year since I was told and 18 mos since the 6mos (more or less) affair ended and I think about what I could have done differently every day.

[katielee]

Because I am a former WW I knew to put a key logger on our home computer the MINUTE I saw him look behind him when he was on his phone. I actually told him the next person to cheat after an affair is usually the BS.

I caught him 3 weeks into it. Caught him in his second affair three weeks into it.

My IC says he wanted to be caught.

[gettingstronger]

Please don't allow your love and trust to be reduced to "having your head in the sand"- don't blame yourself for your husband taking advantage of what is good and pure in you for their own selfishness- I remember saying these things to my husband and feeling like this- his words still ring true- 'don't let my crappy behavior make you think you did anything wrong-I took advantage of you and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life"

[i am gutted]

I think the red flags I saw and ignored are what I regret the most. The first time was when he brought home some homemade treats from work, I asked who made them & he said her name. I said "who is she again?" And he flipped out about how little I cared about his job and what he did all day. Every hair on my neck stood up. In 25 years, he'd never responded like that. The second time was when I asked for his phone and he held it over his head and said "you need to stay the h@@@ out of my s@@t." And I froze. So out of character, it frightened me. The anger he had shut me right up. Also out if character. I started vomiting pretty much daily for the next few months, which he told me was me being dramatic. It's so painful to write that out, I feel so ignorant for not acting and validating myself.

 

I regret so much that I didn't investigate then, but honestly, he raged and convinced me that I was ungrateful and crazy. I need to try to always listen to my inner voice - my body screamed at me that something was wrong. I guess the truth was too difficult to imagine. Plus if everything was my fault, then I had the power to single handedly fix the marriage. Stupid stupid stupid.

 

I was even berated when I found a hotel receipt. And I didn't stand up for myself - the lie he came up with on the spot was so mean and angry I just froze up.

 

I regret so much about how I behaved back then. It's been a year since I was told and 18 mos since the 6mos (more or less) affair ended and I think about what I could have done differently every day.

 

 

mine came home with a body lotion! said a "client" that he was doing work for him told him about it and gave it to him to use and try out........

 

 

so much of what you have said - I feel the same...the last couple of years have been filled with so many lies, being told I am paranoid and him being deceptive and like yours at times filled with rage.

 

 

when I asked about things after I knew about his cheating he would walk away in anger, has smashed two laptops, a computer, two or three cell phones and put holes in the walls. (fixed now)

 

 

so the way I look at it now is that its his problem solver to do that sort of thing when he knew he was doing wrong and got caught.

 

thank you for sharing that, sorry it has been painful for you to do it........

[i am gutted]

Please don't allow your love and trust to be reduced to "having your head in the sand"- don't blame yourself for your husband taking advantage of what is good and pure in you for their own selfishness- I remember saying these things to my husband and feeling like this- his words still ring true- 'don't let my crappy behavior make you think you did anything wrong-I took advantage of you and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life"

 

 

hi there.......maybe head in the sand isn't quite right but the only other way I think of it is being crapped on and I didn't want to head it up that! hahah.

 

 

its lovely to see that your H said that to you, difference is that he seems remorseful by the sounds of it and mine certainly isn't.

 

 

little things pop up now and then and make more sense now and shows that he was doing this for longer than I first thought and that makes me angry.

yeup, their crappy behaviour and selfishness caused us a lot of pain..

[casey.lives]

My head wasn't in the sand.. i know that love takes time.. However, i learned that respect doesn't. Looking back, if someone truly wants something, they put their best foot forward and give things one hundred. Having no Respect, already subtracts 50. that's major settling... NOOO THANK YOU

[ladydesigner]

I knew something was up. I can't quite say my head was in the sand because my gut was screaming like a banshee right before Dday.

 

When I decided to look was when I found out, didn't take me long. It did take me 6 months to uncover the whole truth though and not by my WH's account.

[merrmeade]

Thanks, Mwm, this really helped me. I've never seen it spelled out or tried to myself, that merry-go-round of gaslighting+intimidation / shock+terror / anger+rhetoric / disbelief+terror / etc.

I think the red flags I saw and ignored are what I regret the most ... flipped out about how little I cared about his job and what he did all day ... "you need to stay the h@@@ out of my s@@t." ... it frightened me. The anger he had shut me right up. ... I started vomiting ... which he told me was me being dramatic ... berated when I found a hotel receipt ... didn't stand up for myself - the lie he came up with on the spot was so mean and angry I just froze up.

 

I guess the truth was too difficult to imagine.

Plus if everything was my fault, then I had the power to single handedly fix the marriage.

I realize now that I did this for decades.

 

It's also that you are used to being with people who don't lie to you, whom you really can trust, and you expect to be able to trust your spouse the most.

[ladydesigner]

I think the red flags I saw and ignored are what I regret the most. The first time was when he brought home some homemade treats from work, I asked who made them & he said her name. I said "who is she again?" And he flipped out about how little I cared about his job and what he did all day. Every hair on my neck stood up. In 25 years, he'd never responded like that. The second time was when I asked for his phone and he held it over his head and said "you need to stay the h@@@ out of my s@@t." And I froze. So out of character, it frightened me. The anger he had shut me right up. Also out if character. I started vomiting pretty much daily for the next few months, which he told me was me being dramatic. It's so painful to write that out, I feel so ignorant for not acting and validating myself.

 

I regret so much that I didn't investigate then, but honestly, he raged and convinced me that I was ungrateful and crazy. I need to try to always listen to my inner voice - my body screamed at me that something was wrong. I guess the truth was too difficult to imagine. Plus if everything was my fault, then I had the power to single handedly fix the marriage. Stupid stupid stupid.

 

I was even berated when I found a hotel receipt. And I didn't stand up for myself - the lie he came up with on the spot was so mean and angry I just froze up.

 

I regret so much about how I behaved back then. It's been a year since I was told and 18 mos since the 6mos (more or less) affair ended and I think about what I could have done differently every day.

 

 

OMG isn't it amazing how similar these WS's act. Mine was the same, reacted angrily to every question I had, of course nothing I ever did during his A was right, and the dreaded gaslighting how all us BS's must be crazy! These Ws's are lunatics in their own mind I swear

[ladydesigner]

so the way I look at it now is that its his problem solver to do that sort of thing when he knew he was doing wrong and got caught.

 

 

Totally!!!!!

 

I mean really... blame the BS for your bad problem solving skills ... er ... sorry poor coping mechanisms.

[Mr. Lucky]

now, looking back, for me, there were things over the years that happened and I was told that there was nothing going on etc etc but now, I see that they were red flags and if feel like I have been a fool for so long.

 

The "B" is "BS" stands for betrayed for a reason.

 

No one commits "to love and to cherish" their partner with the idea that the trust and respect will be destroyed through infidelity. Look at it this way - marriage is designed to help insure that bond. So it seems unfair and inappropriate to beat yourself up after-the-fact because you had faith in your spouse to act as he had promised in his vows.

 

The destruction is on him for doing it, not on you for failing to recognize his capability to do so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[solostand]

As a former OW who had a 2.5 year affair with ex-MM, I remember D-Day, his wife said to me "I should have been more suspicious when I saw you visiting him in the hospital" as though she had somehow done something wrong. I said "It's not YOUR fault". Meaning it was not up to her to feel guilty for ignoring a red flag. It was totally OUR fault for conducting the affair. Spouses are supposed to trust each other.

[ShatteredLady]

LD Quote - "OMG isn't it amazing how similar these WS's act. Mine was the same, reacted angrily to every question I had, of course nothing I ever did during his A was right, and the dreaded gaslighting how all us BS's must be crazy! These Ws's are lunatics in their own mind I swear"

 

 

I'm so glad that I've found these forums. 12 years ago when my H had his first affair I truly believed he had lost his mind, was having a mental break. Even once I discovered the truth about the A I still thought he should be helped & forgiven because he was crazy...NOT just another WS!!!!

 

They call it 'The Fog' & 'Gaslighting' etc. to me it was complete & utter abuse. He did things that even HE couldn't imagine ever doing or saying. The cruelty was off the charts. It's still shocking to me that the human brain can do that!

 

The thing that terrifies me is.... When will it happen again? How do I know it won't?

 

My first question when he started being cruel this year was "Is there another woman?". My gut was so right! I even covered all of my bases. My actual question was....

"Is there another woman that you have interest in? Feelings for? Even if you haven't done anything is there someone you're romantically or sexually interested in? A woman you'd call a friend but you talk to, write to, communicate with in any way? Is there a woman who's anything, anything at all other than a regular work colleague who's in your life in any way?"

 

Hahaha!! I knew!!!! He just denied it so completely & forcefully. He was so violently against me that I believed him. He made me feel so pathetic & self-absorbed that I couldn't accept it was just because I'm a terrible human being with no redeeming qualities!

 

Many years ago we used to joke that he could never lie to me. I know him so well & he has such an honest face!!! Hahaha!! Live & learn!

[i am gutted]

Thanks, Mwm, this really helped me. I've never seen it spelled out or tried to myself, that merry-go-round of gaslighting+intimidation / shock+terror / anger+rhetoric / disbelief+terror / etc. I realize now that I did this for decades.

 

It's also that you are used to being with people who don't lie to you, whom you really can trust, and you expect to be able to trust your spouse the most.

 

 

exactly - unfortunately they have squished that.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I wouldn't say "head in the sand". Looking back there were signs, sure. Hindsight is always 20/20. At the time I was trying to make sense out of it. It was uncharted territory. I was young and naive. I believed in "happily ever after".

 

It is called betrayal for a reason: the WS leverages the innate trust that is born out of the marriage covenant. That was is why betrayal cuts the deepest. It is from the one that we trusted the most.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. It is all on the WS. BS's do what is expected of loving partners: give the WS the benefit of the doubt.

[flowergirl14]

I think its blind trust. After dday i told my friend and she said I would never have suspected him (my husband) in a thousand years. Never again will I trust anyone 100 percent. Too many people do too many awful things behind closed doors.

If you 've never read chump lady, do so...she calls it spackling. I swear we need to be taught from an early age about relationships, red flags, what not to tolerate etc. I always took my marriage vows to mean there will be some good and bad and well you just expect that. But how bad and for how long are never discussed. Know one should tolerate behavior like the cheater dishes out...no one!

[Friskyone4u]

I Am Gutted

 

Try not to beat yourself up. When you are so emotionally involved with someone, it is easy to stay in DENIAL of what is right in front of you. So many of these red flags are just common sense, but infidelity is like terrible diseases. Everyone thinks it will happen to the other guy.

[i am gutted]

I Am Gutted

 

Try not to beat yourself up. When you are so emotionally involved with someone, it is easy to stay in DENIAL of what is right in front of you. So many of these red flags are just common sense, but infidelity is like terrible diseases. Everyone thinks it will happen to the other guy.

 

Yep, I think it was a case of "not in my life" for me...never ever thought he would do anything like this. I do remember though, a few years back an acquaintance of ours turned up to tell us that her husband had an affair and WH said he didn't care what was going on as long as it didn't involve him.....I didn't really think anything of it at the time but now I wonder if he was doing it way back then.

[ladydesigner]

I think its blind trust. After dday i told my friend and she said I would never have suspected him (my husband) in a thousand years. Never again will I trust anyone 100 percent. Too many people do too many awful things behind closed doors.

If you 've never read chump lady, do so...she calls it spackling. I swear we need to be taught from an early age about relationships, red flags, what not to tolerate etc. I always took my marriage vows to mean there will be some good and bad and well you just expect that. But how bad and for how long are never discussed. Know one should tolerate behavior like the cheater dishes out...no one!

 

This^^^ why isn't this taught in schools, I mean I know I took Psychology but a relationship course would have been great. I fumbled through my 20's in and out of bad relationships and then married my WH.

 

No one should tolerate the behavior a cheater dishes out is exactly right! I wish I would have kicked my WH out on Dday and not let him back in until I HEARD and SAW all the right things. Nobody has time for **** like this

[nightmare01]

As a BH of a LTA - I feel that by trusting and thereby ignoring what my gut was telling me, that I betrayed myself.

 

Seriously I went through some incredible mental gymnastics to make myself believe her ridiculous lies. A blind man could have seen through her. And I went around for years with this knot in my gut because I knew something was off but didn't want to believe it was so. I SMH at myself now. It's sad that I was so stupid for so long.

 

BUT there comes a time when we must forgive ourselves. For trusting someone who swore we could trust them, and believing they would always be on our side and would never hurt us. I forgive myself for that. It wasn't that I was stupid, it was that she lacked the vision and morality to stand by her word.

[ladydesigner]

As a BH of a LTA - I feel that by trusting and thereby ignoring what my gut was telling me, that I betrayed myself.

 

Seriously I went through some incredible mental gymnastics to make myself believe her ridiculous lies. A blind man could have seen through her. And I went around for years with this knot in my gut because I knew something was off but didn't want to believe it was so. I SMH at myself now. It's sad that I was so stupid for so long.

 

BUT there comes a time when we must forgive ourselves. For trusting someone who swore we could trust them, and believing they would always be on our side and would never hurt us. I forgive myself for that. It wasn't that I was stupid, it was that she lacked the vision and morality to stand by her word.

 

Right?! This is what the WS is banking on. After Dday1 I was the same, willing to believe everything he said, now not so much after subsequent Ddays and a False R.

 

I think it is sad that some WS's are willing to gaslight the BS to the bitter end to cover their arse, even at the expense of their mental health.

[i am gutted]

As a BH of a LTA - I feel that by trusting and thereby ignoring what my gut was telling me, that I betrayed myself.

 

Seriously I went through some incredible mental gymnastics to make myself believe her ridiculous lies. A blind man could have seen through her. And I went around for years with this knot in my gut because I knew something was off but didn't want to believe it was so. I SMH at myself now. It's sad that I was so stupid for so long.

 

BUT there comes a time when we must forgive ourselves. For trusting someone who swore we could trust them, and believing they would always be on our side and would never hurt us. I forgive myself for that. It wasn't that I was stupid, it was that she lacked the vision and morality to stand by her word.

 

 

NO not stupid.......loving and loyal I would say......I understand what you mean though, I felt stupid, felt that everyone must be laughing at me and thinking I am a thicket!

you shouldn't have anything to forgive yourself for.........yes it was her failing to stay loyal and faithful.

[sandylee1]

Forgive yourself the blindness that let your spouse betray you, as all too often a good heart doesn't see the bad.

 

Also bear in mind that those who don't know the value of being loyal, are unable to appreciate the cost of betrayal.