Canundrum Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 I have been married for 6, almost 7 years, together almost 8. We spend a lot of time apart due to his career (military). He cheated on me 7 months into our marriage, which hit me like a sack of bricks and I never thought we'd recover. But somehow, we did, and we managed to get to a better place then even before we got married. Sex life has gone from bad, to better, to ok, good at times, and mostly just hovering at OK. He doesn't please me, and honestly I could count the number of times I've felt true, unadulterated passion sexually for him. Sad but true. Also, he thinks I should loose weight. He's been telling me this since the day we met. I was a healthy BMI then and although I've fluctuated a bit, I might of gained about 10 pounds since we got married. I have never felt attractive to him. This has been an issue in our marriage. Enter the attention of other men. I receive regular flirtation with men out in the community- so I know I am not a troll to look at. I work 12+ hour shifts, and there have been other guys who I felt an insane attraction towards (and vice versa) and nothing ever happened physically OR emotionally, because I actually asked to change shifts to get out of that situation, as I feared I just couldn't control myself. Moral of the story= when the heat gets too hot, I have to leave the kitchen. And I am pretty good with knowing when it's time. Three months ago, someone new came along my path at work. Instant obvious physical attraction, and as we have progressively spent more time together, longer eye contact with subtle meanings, "inadvertent" brushing up against the other person etc. This type of contact sends chills down my sex-starved spine right down to the toes. In the past week, things have heated up even more, with the suggestion that we go to the same work party together, have drinks sometime, etc. I know that if I lower my inhibitions any more, I will throw that man up against a wall and that will be that. There is magnetism there that is nearly uncontrollable. I can tell it's too hot in the kitchen. Way too hot. But this time i don't want to leave. As I mentioned, my husband is currently away for a long period of time. We have no children. I can't imagine hurting him- he's a fantastic man, other then the mediocre sex and thinking I'm too fat. But I am starved for that passionate throw down that has been 8 years in the making. Tell me I'm crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 and there have been other guys who I felt an insane attraction towards (and vice versa) And there's the problem. In nearly 30 years of marriage, I've never been attracted in that way to another woman. I'm insanely attracted to my wife. You'll have to discuss the big issues in your marriage with your husband and work through them, can't hide any longer. Counseling provides a structured and safe setting in which these problems can be addressed. Do you want to live another 8 years like this - I know I wouldn't. This is fixable... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Are you ok with going through a divorce if something happens? Go ahead if you want to blow your marriage apart and all the other ramifications. Yep you are kinda crazy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 I have been married for 6, almost 7 years, together almost 8. We spend a lot of time apart due to his career (military). He cheated on me 7 months into our marriage, which hit me like a sack of bricks and I never thought we'd recover. But somehow, we did, and we managed to get to a better place then even before we got married. Sex life has gone from bad, to better, to ok, good at times, and mostly just hovering at OK. He doesn't please me, and honestly I could count the number of times I've felt true, unadulterated passion sexually for him. Sad but true. Also, he thinks I should loose weight. He's been telling me this since the day we met. I was a healthy BMI then and although I've fluctuated a bit, I might of gained about 10 pounds since we got married. I have never felt attractive to him. This has been an issue in our marriage. Enter the attention of other men. I receive regular flirtation with men out in the community- so I know I am not a troll to look at. I work 12+ hour shifts, and there have been other guys who I felt an insane attraction towards (and vice versa) and nothing ever happened physically OR emotionally, because I actually asked to change shifts to get out of that situation, as I feared I just couldn't control myself. Moral of the story= when the heat gets too hot, I have to leave the kitchen. And I am pretty good with knowing when it's time. Three months ago, someone new came along my path at work. Instant obvious physical attraction, and as we have progressively spent more time together, longer eye contact with subtle meanings, "inadvertent" brushing up against the other person etc. This type of contact sends chills down my sex-starved spine right down to the toes. In the past week, things have heated up even more, with the suggestion that we go to the same work party together, have drinks sometime, etc. I know that if I lower my inhibitions any more, I will throw that man up against a wall and that will be that. There is magnetism there that is nearly uncontrollable. I can tell it's too hot in the kitchen. Way too hot. But this time i don't want to leave. As I mentioned, my husband is currently away for a long period of time. We have no children. I can't imagine hurting him- he's a fantastic man, other then the mediocre sex and thinking I'm too fat. But I am starved for that passionate throw down that has been 8 years in the making. Tell me I'm crazy. Divorce him and give him a chance to find the same loving passion you are feeling toward this other person. If you don't feel like doing that, there's nothing wrong with having fleeting thoughts. Acting on them, is a completely different story. You have to make a choice, your marriage, or acting on your feelings. You can't really juggle both and expect things to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Was your husband remorseful after he cheated? Why did he cheat ? Was it just a case of opportunity? I know that often things are never the same after infidelity....you moved on....but it's always on your mind. I don't understand why he married you when he felt you were overweight .....it's always been an issue for him and it must hurt you quite a bit. Have you tried spicing up your sex life or telling what you like ....what pleases you sexually? Does your husband feel satisfied with your sex life? Have you asked him? Perhaps you could focus on doing some different exciting things to suprise him when he gets back. Like wearing just sexy lingerie under a long coat when you go and meet him. Buy some sex toys or have your bedroom set up romantically (candles/petals etc). There's a lot you can try to get the passion back if it was there. Don't cheat..because you can't uncheat. Keep your distance from this guy and don't get into a situation where you're unable to keep control. You've done a good job so far..BUT the weight issue your H has about you, would bother me. Sometimes those who are very into fitness (like military folk) are obsessed with perfect bodies. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 They don't call it "The 7-year Itch" for nothing. But it sounds as if this relationship had cracks from early on, and the paper's wearing thin now.... I'm with FusionCutter, on this one... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 (edited) Have a look at Esther Perel's work on "The Shadow of the third" (not her work on "when two becomes three" - about the effects of having a child on marital stress) to understand how normal and healthy it is to have thoughts, but not to act on them in unacceptable ways. It's probably an easier question than you think. When we love someone, we don't weigh in their weight, hair colour, the way they laugh, because love is something I HOLD for another. I don't get my LOVE from another I GIVE it. If your husband is measuring his love for you in that way, and if you measure your love for him based on your past history in bed, then neither of you is loving each other, you are creating objects to love: The way someone can look at a very desirable car in a show room and want it for himself. Yet another feels his old mustang has too many faults and is looking for a new one. Ask yourself how much you are looking for faults in your H now that you have another to compare. Ask yourself if you want to be with the man you married for the rest of your life. Really it isnt a question of infidelity, it is a question of desire. Your desire. And when you have desire, details don't get in the way. Edited November 15, 2015 by fellini Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Your husband is a 'fantastic man?' He's a cheater whose done nothing but put you down and chip away at your self esteem since the day you met him. Furthermore, he SHOWS it by letting you know you're not worthy of his time and attention during sex and makes no effort in bed at all, so your sex life sucks. THAT'S a fantastic man? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 99% of the time, the "insane attraction" is just that and never enough to establish a meaningful, long-term relationship. Are you ready to risk your marriage for a night of passion - that might not be very good anyway? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Hi Canundrum, you know you are on the verge of cheating and this time you do not want to stop it. The matter is simple. Call your husband wherever he is and tell him you want a divorce. If he protests or pleads with you cut him off and yell him it's a done deal and you won't change your mind. Then file for divorce and depending on how much time it will take for it to be finalised, hold your horses, and once final go on a binge with your lover boy, have a sexathon, get married to him, or whatever and your husband can do the same. No love lost, no damage done! Have a nice time lady. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Why lower yourself to your husband's level? Don't you remember how hurt you were from the cheating? Since you don't have kids, I suggest you strongly reconsider getting divorced and taking the high road - without infidelity. Since your husband sounds like he isn't attracted to you in the slightest (don't take this the wrong way - you already know that even if you're not his type, there are plenty of others who would love to have you!) I also very much doubt that he cheated only once. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 The only advice I can give you is don't do something that will come back and haunt you down the line. Yeah it's nice to have the attention and knowing that someone finds you attractive but please understand the other side of the coin. This guy might sense that you enjoy the attention and is going to show you his best side, say what you want to here and smooth talk you into a development that once is completed can't be taken back so please enjoy the attention but keep your head on straight or there's a potential for a real rough road ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Canundrum, You have a choice to make.... divorce and be single, and do what you want, or really work on the marriage, and change it for the better. Either will probably work if you put effort into it. I'd argue to try to save your marriage first... forget the other guy and get that stuff out of your mind... it will only cause you more grief down the road. Then, get some help and turn your marriage around... there's tons of good advise out there on how to do this. Good luck, and keep us posted. If you think he's a fantastic man then you can make it work. And, more than likely you can bring passion into your life with him. Sounds like his affair is over and done with, good, keep it buried. Go on to enjoy a good life with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 I think you need to have a serious conversation with yourself. If you two ever had that fire, then it is recoverable. If you two never really had the fire, it isn't going to happen now. Sex is not everything, but you two seem more like friends then lovers. If that is really true then you need to decide if you want to say in the marriage and do with or decide that it is time to move out. None of this has anything to do with these other men, they are just in the right place at the right time. Before things get out of hand, I think you need to make a command decision. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 I think you need to have a serious conversation with yourself. If you two ever had that fire, then it is recoverable. If you two never really had the fire, it isn't going to happen now. Sex is not everything, but you two seem more like friends then lovers. If that is really true then you need to decide if you want to say in the marriage and do with or decide that it is time to move out. None of this has anything to do with these other men, they are just in the right place at the right time. Before things get out of hand, I think you need to make a command decision. Good post, but I believe you CAN rekindle the fire, even if you didn't have it before. I did it and I know others who have. It's largely a mental thing and making the right situation. But, yes, the command decision sounds like a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Is the other man married? Are there kids involved? Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 (edited) You are not attracted to him. You almost never felt pure unadulterated passion for him. And I bet he knows it. Big surprise he cheated. Who wants to be with a woman who feels that way about you? No passion? No attraction? NO THANKS! You should have never married him. No man wants to be married to provide and be "the good guy" only. He is putting his life on the line for country and the least you could do is divorce him and let him find someone who thinks he is not only "fantastic" but sexy and hot. You dont feel that way without forcing yourself. Anyone who says after 8 years that this will magically appear is lying. You are attracted to who you are attracted to and you can fake it, but thats what it is.....fake Let him go. You are not his. There is nothing to fix. Edited November 15, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Is the other man married? Are there kids involved? It really doesn't matter. What matters is the intent of the OP and her dedication to her own marriage, which doesn't seem to be there. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I was cheated on and it wasn't his fault entirely. It just highlighted our underline disconnectedness and how superficial we were. It sounds like you didn't fix anything in your relationship, you only covered it up. Adding someone else might add passion but your relationship and your problem solving won't improve. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I was cheated on and it wasn't his fault entirely. It just highlighted our underline disconnectedness and how superficial we were. It sounds like you didn't fix anything in your relationship, you only covered it up. Adding someone else might add passion but your relationship and your problem solving won't improve. Casey, Good point, there's a STRONG argument to fix the basic problems in the relationship before going elsewhere. And if they can't possibly be fixed, then bail out. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I don't know what advice to give you.... But I see some similarities between your situation and mine.... Maybe this thread will give you some insights. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/538510-successful-affair Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Your getting slatted a bit here...and I don't think it's all fair..but..why did you marry a man who was critical of your body and who doesn't satisfy you sexually? It's not like he was a great lover ...then he stopped satisfying you. He had an affair after 7 months of marriage when it should be wedded bliss..honeymoon phase. Your marriage isn't strong enough to handle the distance that being in the military creates. I'd be fearful that he wasn't having another affair now and I can imagine how it feels to get complemented by other men and your husband is always going on about your weight....it's only a matter of time before you end up being with another man... but where would that really lead you. You'd end up accepting less than you deserve because you're married...it'll be the OMs excuse to treat you poorly. Think beyond getting satisfaction and think about whether you could be in a relationship with this guy...what do you think he wants from you (apart from the obvious). That cheating so early in the marriage will always be at the back of your mind....don't be the same as him and get branded a cheater. End it honourably and find a more compatible man..who ticks all the boxes. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Blind passion should be exactly that...Blind!! I'd find it very hard to have fantastic, lost in passion sex with someone who is so critical of my physical appearance...I know! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 This is one of those situations where you just know somethings gotta give sooner or later, it is just a matter of time. I do not think either of you are getting sexual satisfaction in this marriage.... Best thing you can do is join a sex therapy course,,, but don't cheat... better to join a swingers club together than cheat alone! Not that i think a swingers club is a very healthy option either, but better than cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 (edited) See now here is the problem, for this to ever work now this other man giving you these feelings needs to be out of your life, for good. So you realize you will either need to quit your job or transfer to somewhere this guy doesn't work and won't cross your path, right? But then what excuse do you give to your hubby for why you need to switch/quit? See since ideally you'd tell him what you've been up to concerning your thoughts for this other dude, but ideals went out the door a long time ago given he cheated 7 months in. I'd dump him for the cheating, but if you want to stay then you need to be prepared to boot this lustful man out of your life 100%. Edited November 20, 2015 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
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