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What I would say to the OW....


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Hello, this is my first time posting on this site. My H had an affair and told me a few months ago. We have decide to work on our marriage and stay together. With a lot of hard work and counseling things are getting better. I have decided that I don't wish to contact the other woman. I do not believe it would be helpful for anyone in the long run. However, I often times have these thoughts of what I would say to her if given the chance. I am hoping by writing them here as they come to me I will be able to let go of them.

 

 

OW,

 

I am a nice person. I am unsure if you justified the A because you thought I was a horrible person. If that is the case you are wrong. I am just a woman who loves her husband and children. Who woke up everyday and tried her best. Many times I failed. I was tired and run down. I let myself go and I could become angry. This was often a direct result of my husband and your actions. While he was spending time with you he left me to run the house, raise our children and run things day to day. While you got to be super fun time girl, I was at home holding our lives together. I blame my husband for the pain he cause me but I also blame you. You attacked something that is precious to me. I think bad thoughts about you everyday. I hope one day you are nothing but a distant memory but today in this moment I do hope feel shame for the pain you cause me.

 

BS.

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What would you want her response to be? And why would you feel a need to explain yourself to her? Never be so vulnerable and open with your feelings with someone that doesn't care about you.

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I think it is good that you put your thoughts into words. I doubt it would do much to actually send it, instead focus your efforts on the real person who betrayed you, your husband. If you think sending the letter will help your husband stay away from the OW, then I think you should send it. Either way, the pain in your message is clear. Hope you heal.

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Why do you think she thinks poorly of you, or even really considered you much at all?

 

I cheated with a married man - granted it was a sex only "fling" and not an emotional affair - and I think if kids were involved, that may have stopped me... But I never had any ill will towards his wife, he never said any thing bad about her, it was largely an avoided subject. We were both being selfish, and basically tried to avoid talking about our significant others.

 

When my dude cheated - I know he lied to her (told her we were separated and living together :rolleyes: ), I was never really mad at her - pissed with him, sure, but she wasn't the one cheating... Now, when she kept calling and texting? I told her to take a hike.... But still didn't have a burning resentment, and really didn't give a **** what she thought about me.

 

Try to let your anger towards her go. It hurts you more than it affects her, don't let her have that power over you.

 

I agree writing it out can be cathartic, but do not engage this woman.

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I engaged the OW, and it was one of the best things I ever did.

 

She SO wanted to hate me, but I stayed calm and kind and by the end of the phone call, she was sobbing and moaning. ...A truly bizarre three minutes.

 

She wanted to believe whatever lie she told herself about me, one's I'm Sure he allowed her to believe: cold, unloving, blah, blah, blah.....

 

Which woman in her right mind would have an affair with a man in love with his wife having an active sex life? Uhh, none.

 

Keep writing, but....if she resurfaces because SHE believes he left his one true love for the sake of his family....please do not hesitate to call her and set her straight....if you want to.

 

Now that was cathartic....

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I engaged the OW, and it was one of the best things I ever did.

 

She SO wanted to hate me, but I stayed calm and kind and by the end of the phone call, she was sobbing and moaning. ...A truly bizarre three minutes.

 

She wanted to believe whatever lie she told herself about me, one's I'm Sure he allowed her to believe: cold, unloving, blah, blah, blah.....

 

Which woman in her right mind would have an affair with a man in love with his wife having an active sex life? Uhh, none.

 

Keep writing, but....if she resurfaces because SHE believes he left his one true love for the sake of his family....please do not hesitate to call her and set her straight....if you want to.

 

Now that was cathartic....

 

I engaged the OW too. Not that it mattered, but I wanted her to know that I knew their charade was up and **** would now be hitting the fan!

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If sending her the letter helps you to feel like you have had a chance to express your feelings towards her, then send it.

 

If you are trying to show her how much you hurt so she feels guilty or at least understands how you feel, I wouldn't bother. If she cared about how you feel, she wouldn't have had an A with your H.

 

She will probably just feel smug and a sense of power because her actions helped to hurt you. Don't give that to her.

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Why do you think she thinks poorly of you, or even really considered you much at all?

 

I cheated with a married man - granted it was a sex only "fling" and not an emotional affair - and I think if kids were involved, that may have stopped me... But I never had any ill will towards his wife, he never said any thing bad about her, it was largely an avoided subject. We were both being selfish, and basically tried to avoid talking about our significant others.

 

When my dude cheated - I know he lied to her (told her we were separated and living together :rolleyes: ), I was never really mad at her - pissed with him, sure, but she wasn't the one cheating... Now, when she kept calling and texting? I told her to take a hike.... But still didn't have a burning resentment, and really didn't give a **** what she thought about me.

 

Try to let your anger towards her go. It hurts you more than it affects her, don't let her have that power over you.

 

I agree writing it out can be cathartic, but do not engage this woman.

 

I don't know what she thinks of me. I can only project emotions on to her. She absolutely knew we are married and have children together. I have to assume she thought I am a bad person. It is the only way my mind can justify her actions.

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I don't know what she thinks of me. I can only project emotions on to her. She absolutely knew we are married and have children together. I have to assume she thought I am a bad person. It is the only way my mind can justify her actions.

 

 

There is no justification to her actions. It's a sad lesson I had to learn myself. There are some people who simply don't care if they are hurting someone else.

 

Don't waste time on her the way I did in my situation. It's not worth it.

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Which woman in her right mind would have an affair with a man in love with his wife having an active sex life? Uhh, none.

 

apparently, a lot more than one would think...

 

I engaged the OW, and it was one of the best things I ever did.

 

i did, too.

 

it was... weird, to put it that way. it was actually supposed to be a "friendly" chat (me & xH were heading for a divorce) - and i was appalled at how much she thought she knew me. :D

 

she got all of her informations from one man who had an affair on me + the affair lasted only a few months & she thought she had me and our marriage figured out.

 

it was one of the most surreal moments ever.

 

:D

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I don't know what she thinks of me. I can only project emotions on to her. She absolutely knew we are married and have children together. I have to assume she thought I am a bad person. It is the only way my mind can justify her actions.

 

Don't assume she thought bad of you ....she probably tried not to think of you at all. Often we think others have the same moral standards as we do.....it's not the case at all. Many women have no problem sleeping with a MM....whether he has no kids or 10 kids....They just don't give a damn.

 

In their minds they sometimes see you as the wicked witch of the west....who abuses her husband and denies him of sex. If that's the case they must love being with a weak and spineless man..... whose wife is so evil and controlling.

 

View the OW as an irritating fly that you'll swat if it gets too close to you ?

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Joie

 

I couldn't give a fig what OWs think of me. Couldn't care LESS.

 

I phoned the OW on my D Day BEFORE I even spoke with WH.

I KNEW he would lie to me. He'd kept their A a secret, he** he'd been lying to me for MONTHS. (It turned out to be years actually and many OWs).

 

You're RIGHT I PHONED the OW. I wanted her side before I confronted WH and it was the BEST thing I ever did! Boy I got SO MUCH more information than I EVER would've gotten from WH. And I wanted her credentials. I sat and wrote out about 15 questions I HAD FOR HER before I phoned. She had ASKED WH for me to phone her. Others have had the OW taunt the couple in R. That was NEVER gonna happen to me. I'd have slapped an Apprehension Order on her so fast she wouldn't know what hit her. After all she'd approached each of my 3 children in their playground. I'd been at high school with their school Principal. He was ready to slap one on her too!

 

It was over 30 mins of total weirdness. She wailed like a banshee saying that she was just as devastated and heartbroken as me. Oh yeah. That confirmed she was a nut***. So that was refreshing also. WH would do well with her! Lol.

When I told her he'd arrive at hers later that night when I'd kicked him out, she got all ever so nice! Excited even. Wanted to meet me for coffee. She thought she'd be LIVING in MY house raising MY children. Yes! The information was enlightening alright.

 

The next OW was my "friend". Well the first one years before but the next one I found out about. And it goes on.

 

I didn't cry to either of them. I blamed WH ENTIRELY except for my "friend". Both were shamed probably because I asked particular questions that made them question their actions / part in an A with a MM.

 

Lion Heart.

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During the aftermath of dday I would probably not have said anything to her - I had made her into the bogeyman in my head - some sort of irresitistible femme-fatale who could make men fall in love with her with a flick of her hair :D I felt inadequate and worthless. Then I got better, ran into her a few times, and I realised she is nothing special and wouldn't have anything to say to her - we really have nothing in common.

 

Now, if forced to spend time with her, I would probably politely suggest that she stops being a drama queen and realise that her life isn't a tragic movie with her as the heroine. And most importantly her life impacts directly on those of her three children. Why? Because it appears she is doing it again - she is in a relationship with another MM (this is her third and she's only 28) and this time her H has found out and it appears that all shades of **** are hitting the big whirly thing. :(

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She wailed like a banshee saying that she was just as devastated and heartbroken as me. Oh yeah. That confirmed she was a nut***. So that was refreshing also. WH would do well with her!

 

Lion Heart.

 

OMG Lion Heart you make me laugh so hard! I love your posts, they are so refreshing and empowering.

 

Just wanted to say the MOW did the same thing in our sitch. My WH had slept with another OW while with MOW and her exact words were, "I cannot believe the level of betrayal!" This was right after I discovered we were in False R (and I do thank MOW for telling me). She was baffled WH could do this to her! To me it was no big surprise. I was actually sort of relieved that maybe the MOW empathized with me maybe a little at this point, that maybe WH was wrong about me the entire time.

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afoolto no end

the whole concept of the OW being as devasted as a long term marriage with children is unbelievable to me.......

I didn't call the OW I figured there was no respect, she was capable of sleeping around on her husband and did it with mine. obviously nothing really there when it comes to any kind of values, it would have just wasted my time on someone not worth it.......

The affair lasted 4 months.......the stupid things she did how she just kept humiliating herself, she called I think 3 times in the next month drunk claiming she would kill herself........that she deserved her better life with him......

Sure I wanted to call her and say do everyone a favour and do it but I didn't.

It's just sad to me how desperate and how little self respect some women have for themselves. She lost her marriage and my husband did everything in his power and still does to make ours work and get past the stupid mistake it was and she was........I say just let them live in silence and never let them know they were anything worth talking about.......If I were to say anything to her I would just say you are a poor excuse for a woman and now that is all you will ever be.....you ruined who you could have been.........I'm to busy living my life though

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I don't think you should write or talk to her like some have said mainly because you don't know all the details, and also it won't accomplish much. I know the need to release the anger. My wife did contact the OW and I let her but she made all the wrong assumptions. I only said good things about her to the OW and I never complained about the marriage. It was never a topic and the OW, like someone here said, tried to block out the W. My W assumed lots of things in the letter that made the marriage more weak, giving more power to the OW. I think all the screaming at the OW helped so I just stepped back and allowed her to vent.

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After all she'd approached each of my 3 children in their playground.

 

She thought she'd be LIVING in MY house raising MY children.

 

Wow... Some OW really do go above and beyond the call of duty in being batsh*t crazy. :sick:

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I don't think you should write or talk to her like some have said mainly because you don't know all the details, and also it won't accomplish much. I know the need to release the anger. My wife did contact the OW and I let her but she made all the wrong assumptions. I only said good things about her to the OW and I never complained about the marriage. It was never a topic and the OW, like someone here said, tried to block out the W. My W assumed lots of things in the letter that made the marriage more weak, giving more power to the OW. I think all the screaming at the OW helped so I just stepped back and allowed her to vent.

 

Why did your wife have to make assumptions? Why didn't you tell her everything? I'm sure ow enjoyed your wife looking like a fool.

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Hello, this is my first time posting on this site. My H had an affair and told me a few months ago. We have decide to work on our marriage and stay together. With a lot of hard work and counseling things are getting better. I have decided that I don't wish to contact the other woman. I do not believe it would be helpful for anyone in the long run. However, I often times have these thoughts of what I would say to her if given the chance. I am hoping by writing them here as they come to me I will be able to let go of them.

 

 

OW,

 

I am a nice person. I am unsure if you justified the A because you thought I was a horrible person. If that is the case you are wrong. I am just a woman who loves her husband and children. Who woke up everyday and tried her best. Many times I failed. I was tired and run down. I let myself go and I could become angry. This was often a direct result of my husband and your actions. While he was spending time with you he left me to run the house, raise our children and run things day to day. While you got to be super fun time girl, I was at home holding our lives together. I blame my husband for the pain he cause me but I also blame you. You attacked something that is precious to me. I think bad thoughts about you everyday. I hope one day you are nothing but a distant memory but today in this moment I do hope feel shame for the pain you cause me.

 

BS.

 

 

I never contacted the OW, but she did call me after I informed her husband with proof. She yelled at me and said I had no right to interfere in her life. It was surreal.

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I don't think you should write or talk to her like some have said mainly because you don't know all the details, and also it won't accomplish much. I know the need to release the anger. My wife did contact the OW and I let her but she made all the wrong assumptions. I only said good things about her to the OW and I never complained about the marriage. It was never a topic and the OW, like someone here said, tried to block out the W. My W assumed lots of things in the letter that made the marriage more weak, giving more power to the OW. I think all the screaming at the OW helped so I just stepped back and allowed her to vent.

 

That IS an "interesting" take on things Dylon.

 

I guess I'm a little wiser in the 'ways of the world of cheaters' even BEFORE I found LS. I KNEW they would BOTH HAVE TO BE liars and deceivers to SOME point, even to themselves, to even EMBARK on an A. But masterful deceptionists to ME.

 

Divide and conquer maybe? IDK. I my case no. WH had broken up the A a month before. It was OW that forced my D Day (thankYOU OW Number 1! That's ALL I thank her for tho).

 

I did NOT yell and scream at the OW! OMG!!! None of them. THAT anger was CORRECTLY directed at WH. It was WH M to protect. He opened it up. He groomed OWs. I couldn't desire to "fix" OWs or any other potential APs. That's their cross to bear. My issue was WH and HIS issues. WH flawed character that needed addressing. Especially since I have 3 biological children with him. He needed to smarten up.

 

I did not vent. I ASKED questions. Playing their information off each of them gave me far closer to the TRUTH than I EVER would've gotten. THAT WAS MY OBJECTIVE - TRUTH.

 

I find it amusing that you say your BW contacting YOUR AP made the M (correction R effort) weak? Really??? Lol.

A little blame-shifting perhaps? Take responsibility.

 

YOU were weak. YOUR A didn't "weaken" the M. It DESTROYED it! There is no "marriage" any more. That's gone. Dead. WSs kill the M with an A. OWs and APs are a dime a dozen. It's all on the WSs. It's a shame your BW directed the anger she had for you on your OW. But you were relieved of that for a short while, YOU were out of the firing line. Your BW needs to aim with far more precision IMHO. After all she didn't take any vows with the OW.

 

Now the M has gone it's the SCORCHED EARTH of Reconciliation your poor betrayed wife has to navigate through.

 

All I can say is that I hope SHE has LS.

 

Lion Heart.

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That IS an "interesting" take on things Dylon.

 

I guess I'm a little wiser in the 'ways of the world of cheaters' even BEFORE I found LS. I KNEW they would BOTH HAVE TO BE liars and deceivers to SOME point, even to themselves, to even EMBARK on an A. But masterful deceptionists to ME.

 

Divide and conquer maybe? IDK. I my case no. WH had broken up the A a month before. It was OW that forced my D Day (thankYOU OW Number 1! That's ALL I thank her for tho).

 

I did NOT yell and scream at the OW! OMG!!! None of them. THAT anger was CORRECTLY directed at WH. It was WH M to protect. He opened it up. He groomed OWs. I couldn't desire to "fix" OWs or any other potential APs. That's their cross to bear. My issue was WH and HIS issues. WH flawed character that needed addressing. Especially since I have 3 biological children with him. He needed to smarten up.

 

I did not vent. I ASKED questions. Playing their information off each of them gave me far closer to the TRUTH than I EVER would've gotten. THAT WAS MY OBJECTIVE - TRUTH.

 

I find it amusing that you say your BW contacting YOUR AP made the M (correction R effort) weak? Really??? Lol.

A little blame-shifting perhaps? Take responsibility.

 

YOU were weak. YOUR A didn't "weaken" the M. It DESTROYED it! There is no "marriage" any more. That's gone. Dead. WSs kill the M with an A. OWs and APs are a dime a dozen. It's all on the WSs. It's a shame your BW directed the anger she had for you on your OW. But you were relieved of that for a short while, YOU were out of the firing line. Your BW needs to aim with far more precision IMHO. After all she didn't take any vows with the OW.

 

Now the M has gone it's the SCORCHED EARTH of Reconciliation your poor betrayed wife has to navigate through.

 

All I can say is that I hope SHE has LS.

 

Lion Heart.

 

That was my objective the whole time too :laugh: the truth and nothing but the truth. Guess who spilled the truth to me in the end? It was MOW (bless her heart).

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I can understand how someone wants to speak with the OW to get the truth. For me I don't think the truth lies with her. My H and I are slowing rebuilding our trust. I have to take it on faith what he tells me. If I get to the point that I need to get my answers from the OW I think our marriage would no longer be worth saving.

 

Since I know she can't give me answers I won't speak with her. I do hope she experiences a little bit of the pain her and my husband have inflicted on me.

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IMO part of the lure of confronting the OP is not necessarily to get the truth, but to inform the OP that what they were told about us is NOT the truth.

 

I feel that my reputation was sullied - I was depicted as an abusive husband that neglected his perfect wife. The truth is that I knew we were having M problems, but my view of them was that they weren't as severe as what she was telling her OM.

 

My job was demanding, but I was doing my best to be home as much as possible. I couldn't control all the demands that were being placed on me, but I was doing the best that I could. But every attempt I made to be with her and have some quality time was rebuffed. She was pushing me away, then telling OM that I was neglecting her.

 

For example, for our anniversary I set up a European vacation for just the two of us. Got my sister to agree to watch our kids. It was all set up. When I suggested that we take this great vacation together, I was accused of trying to control her. That planning a romantic vacation together was being controlling. That I was trying to run her life.

 

God that was really crazy making.

 

I wish OM knew that my WW was lying to him the whole time.

 

I would never actually communicate with him though, because it would get ugly.

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I can understand how someone wants to speak with the OW to get the truth. For me I don't think the truth lies with her. My H and I are slowing rebuilding our trust. I have to take it on faith what he tells me. If I get to the point that I need to get my answers from the OW I think our marriage would no longer be worth saving.

 

Since I know she can't give me answers I won't speak with her. I do hope she experiences a little bit of the pain her and my husband have inflicted on me.

 

Joie, I feel your pain and I admire your continued stance to protect your M. It's a noble trait indeed to protect your M. That's all on you. Your WH didn't protect the M. That's all on him.

 

We have different perspectives on many things. I completely respect your way of doing anything. It's your life and you should live it the way you want to.

 

I am a much different person in that my very FIRST reaction to an A is "it's over", done. IT WAS NOT TO SAVE THE M. There are 100s of reasons why that's my first reaction. Maybe more! Lol.

 

Another thing I know is that cheaters are liars. If my WH cheated then I'm gonna hear a whole mountain full of lies. I wanted to cut that BS straight out of the conversation (which took a LONG time anyway WITH any and all concrete evidence I had). My pursuit of the "truth" was what I needed to do FOR MY SELF. I get that it's different for OP.

 

I didn't think "my WH had an A, well time to work on the M" he** no. A = butt to the curb with me knowing as much of the truth immediately.

 

The truth or the fantasy of the A definitely lies with WSs and their APs. If they were 2 people I didn't know I wouldn't care. But being my WH & an OW I did. I got an understanding far faster that way. It cut the cr** mostly from WH hiding under lies and deception. It was ALL gonna come out.

 

Please Joie, this R should be all about you. You need time to let things sink in. There is very little to no chance that an AP is gonna sympathize with you. I never sought sympathy or any other such rot from AN OW!. If you venture to read OW / OM forums, it often contains intense jealousy and resentment of us. The thing they don't get is that WSs can up and leave at ANY TIME. So why haven't they? Many reasons I guess.

I did kick WH to the curb that night. I told the OW he'd drive straight there if their "lerve was so special". She got all happy and excited when I said that. It was sick. I know she got all ready for him (even tho he'd broken up with her a month b4 and couldn't stand her), she called an ambulance to take her to hospital around midnight and was treated for a heart condition which she obviously doesn't have (yes I know because I work with her s-i-l). She texted constantly from her hospital bed. Trying to play the sympathy card.

 

Joie we'd all like our WSs and their APs to FEEL the pain we have, even a little, even for a week! It just ain't gonna happen.

 

As your strength returns, your "letter" to your WH OW may change in nature. I hope so. Attempting to render sympathy, pity or even empathy is just a useless pursuit imho. Pointless.

 

Ofcourse you don't have to contact her. It's absolutely YOUR life. I wish you strength and courage in trying to R with your WH but above all I wish you wisdom. When you've got enough of those, throw some back this way!

 

Xxxx

Lion Heart.

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