Getting Over Your AP

[TheOneYouHate]

I wanted to write in this forum and give an update on my affair. I have been in NC for two months. She has emailed me a couple of times, and most recently sent me a note in an email that I sent to my therapist to read, I didn't read it. I blocked her everywhere I thought, but she finds ways around the blocks. The only way I could block her 100% is to change jobs, business phone numbers and relocate. She knows way too much about me.

 

I am here looking for advice on how to get over the OW. I am trying to make my marriage work, of course there is work to do there but I get triggered and start thinking about the OW. When I get down or anxious the OW come to mind and there will be things that will trigger me to think about her. I know it was a fantasy, and it was all built on lies and deception, but some part of me, does the "what ifs" game. I feel bad when she writes and I don't read it or answer it. I know it has been a short time, but I really just want to put it behind me, but I still have some connection there, that is hard to end, and I am not sure how to do it. Even though I don't want to be with her, there is a part of me that misses her. I guess it is that addiction that I feel.

 

Any recommendations on how to get through this. I mean I have strings of days that I can deal with the memories and they don't get to me, then others that they just drag me down, and make me so sad. Will I ever get over this ?

[nightmare01]

A few questions:

1. Does your wife know of your affair?

2. Have you shown your wife the emails and note the OW sent you?

3. Is the OW married?

4. How long did your affair last?

[TheOneYouHate]

A few questions:

1. Does your wife know of your affair?

2. Have you shown your wife the emails and note the OW sent you?

3. Is the OW married?

4. How long did your affair last?

 

 

1. Yes my wife knows of the affair

2. I have told my wife about the emails in detail, but did not show them to her. Did not open the most recent email just sent it to my therapist to make sure it wasn't threatening, she told me the gist of it. It was Word Document, so it didn't preview thank God.

3. The OW is married, just had her D-Day right before we broke contact.

4. We had EA for about two years PA long distance for a year and half. Saw each other every couple of months or so.

[SammySammy]

Strict no contact is the only thing that works for me.

 

I don't worry about blocking her anymore, because, like yours, she always finds a way around it. I just ignore any contact. It gets easier as time goes on.

[ladydesigner]

I wanted to write in this forum and give an update on my affair. I have been in NC for two months. She has emailed me a couple of times, and most recently sent me a note in an email that I sent to my therapist to read, I didn't read it. I blocked her everywhere I thought, but she finds ways around the blocks. The only way I could block her 100% is to change jobs, business phone numbers and relocate. She knows way too much about me.

 

I am here looking for advice on how to get over the OW. I am trying to make my marriage work, of course there is work to do there but I get triggered and start thinking about the OW. When I get down or anxious the OW come to mind and there will be things that will trigger me to think about her. I know it was a fantasy, and it was all built on lies and deception, but some part of me, does the "what ifs" game. I feel bad when she writes and I don't read it or answer it. I know it has been a short time, but I really just want to put it behind me, but I still have some connection there, that is hard to end, and I am not sure how to do it. Even though I don't want to be with her, there is a part of me that misses her. I guess it is that addiction that I feel.

 

Any recommendations on how to get through this. I mean I have strings of days that I can deal with the memories and they don't get to me, then others that they just drag me down, and make me so sad. Will I ever get over this ?

 

Doesn't the bold concern you at all? That she is not respecting your request at NC? Honestly OW sounds a bit off her rocker.

 

How does your wife feel about all this broken NC?

 

Edited to add: The only way you will get over OW is by strict NC, not reading anything she sends (automatically delete it), and you need to start limiting the time that you allow the AP headspace. With time and reconnection with your wife the memory of AP should slowly fade to black. Indifference is where you want to get to.

Edited November 3, 2015 by ladydesigner

[TheOneYouHate]

Strict no contact is the only thing that works for me.

 

I don't worry about blocking her anymore, because, like yours, she always finds a way around it. I just ignore any contact. It gets easier as time goes on.

 

 

Thank you. I needed to hear that, right now I do really well, and then an email will come and just messes me up.

 

Thanks again, I hope this time passes quickly.

[TheOneYouHate]

Doesn't the bold concern you at all? That she is not respecting your request at NC? Honestly OW sounds a bit off her rocker.

 

How does your wife feel about all this broken NC?

 

Edited to add: The only way you will get over OW is by strict NC, not reading anything she sends (automatically delete it), and you need to start limiting the time that you allow the AP headspace. With time and reconnection with your wife the memory of AP should slowly fade to black. Indifference is where you want to get to.

 

Oh my wife does not like the broken NC. She loathes this woman sometimes, then other times seems to understand. I don't know, maybe that is part of the processing of emotions. My wife is the best, she has actually helped me through this, which is crazy sounding, but she does care that much. Then with all that love, I lament, geesh sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. Anyway, yes it does worry me that one day she is going to show up at my door or something. I know she is processing the loss too, but wow, I thought once it went NC, that would be it.

 

And yes I allow her too much headspace, not quite sure how to fix that most of the time. I have terrible time especially if I am having anxiety problems. She was a tremendous source of anxiety, but yet when I have anxiety issues she invades my head.

 

I do have IC that I have been seeing for a year, and yes I am on meds for the anxiety and depression. Probably more than you wanted to know but just being honest.

[Spectre]

Uh dude yeah it's great for YOU your wife "cares that much". Not so great for her that she is a doormat.

 

If you aren't over the person you cheated with then you have no business still being in a relationship with the woman you cheated on. It's HIGHLY disrespectful..do you not understand that? Or do you truly feel that not being over the skank you cheated with is something people respectful of their partners do?

 

BTW you sure can pick the lowest of the low to cheat with if she STILL tries sending you messages.

[Sandy43]

Maybe it's time to get a restraining order to keep her from contacting you. If you have told her not to contact you and she continues.... It's called stalking and it is illegal.

You could also forward any emails she sends you right to her husband, if they are still together she will stop contacting you pretty quick.

[qubist]

OP: do you still have any feelings for your former AP?

if NO: no need to do anything, just ignore her, don't even read her emails/messages. eventually she will give up.

if YES: mmmm, in this case you will have to either change all your contact or at least get your wife involved.

[gettingstronger]

My experience as a BS- when my husband told me he never thought fondly of our OW post dday, I was sure he was full of it- he reported only feel guilt and shame and that the whole thing was rolled up in to one big ball of humiliation and regret, no way to separate the person and experiences from the feeling of regret and self-loathing-

 

Of course, I asked my IC about it, because I couldn't imagine he did not at least have some good feelings about her- my IC agreed with my husband and said the truly remorseful do feel that way, they have no positive feelings at all about anything associated with the affair- we then discussed it in MC and the MC counselor said the same thing, my husband would become physically sick when we talked about it- leaving the room to vomit-

 

So, if this is not you- I think you have a lot more IC to go through and you owe it to your wife to tell her how you are feeling- regardless of how kind and loving she is being, she still deserves the truth of you-

 

If you find even through IC that you still can not shake feelings for the OW, you should consider leaving your marriage as reconciliation is a years long process and the further you are in to it, the more damage you may do to your wife if you simply can not find your way to remorse and love her and only her-

 

Good luck-

[ladydesigner]

Oh my wife does not like the broken NC. She loathes this woman sometimes, then other times seems to understand. I don't know, maybe that is part of the processing of emotions. My wife is the best, she has actually helped me through this, which is crazy sounding, but she does care that much. Then with all that love, I lament, geesh sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. Anyway, yes it does worry me that one day she is going to show up at my door or something. I know she is processing the loss too, but wow, I thought once it went NC, that would be it.

 

And yes I allow her too much headspace, not quite sure how to fix that most of the time. I have terrible time especially if I am having anxiety problems. She was a tremendous source of anxiety, but yet when I have anxiety issues she invades my head.

 

I do have IC that I have been seeing for a year, and yes I am on meds for the anxiety and depression. Probably more than you wanted to know but just being honest.

 

Cognitive Therapy look into it

[Dylon]

I went back and read all your threads. You came a long way reaching 2 months of NC. Remember how hard that was! At the time of reading those old threads, I thought you couldn't have gotten this far at this point. It's clear to me that you don't want her. You needed something. Now it's time to put her aside and find that something which is missing. It wasn't her. She just gave you the time/emotion to mass a bigger problem. Do something different, find new interest, preferable something with your wife. I'm sure your job was boring you to tears too. Do something about that. You don't sound like someone that will take action quickly but recognize that it's not the OW that is bringing you down now. You need to be striked with something else, something you like and enjoy and wake up the senses that this OW gave you. Hang in there and congratulate yourself that you have reached 2 months NC!

[Southern Sun]

I think you should be reassured that what you are feeling is probably very normal.

 

A lot of us on your side of the fence worry, if we are trying to reconcile, that having lingering 'feelings' means that we are supposed to be with our AP or something. I really don't think that's the case. I think it's a natural byproduct of what you got yourself into, and the sheer amount of time you spent thinking of this woman over the last two years. You literally trained your brain to think of her, you got chemical rewards from thinking of her, it relieved your anxiety to hear from her, etc. This is essentially you breaking an addiction and it is no small thing. You are very fortunate to have a wife that seems to understand; I hope you are able to support her and empathize with her pain (which may be hard for you to grasp right now...all the more reason to get yourself healed).

 

I can't tell from this thread exactly how long you have been no contact, but in this kind of situation, ANY contact from her will set you back, at least for now. Later, when you are stronger, her breaking through won't bother you the same way. But right now, all it's doing is triggering you and making you question yourself. Are you SURE there's nothing you can do? Can you talk to your employer about a new work email? Perhaps you could tell them you are dealing with a personal situation and you need new contact information.

 

With something this difficult, you need a good 60 to 120 days of TOTAL SILENCE, if at all possible, and that just gets you started feeling more normal. If not, it will simply take you longer to unplug and reprogram yourself. Another poster mentioned going NC mentally as well. You need to find a way, somehow, to dedicate your mental space to other things. It is very hard, when you thinking of her is nearly habitual and compulsive. But there are ways.

 

Have you considered hypno-therapy? It's not voodoo. You really could benefit from something like that.

 

Main takeaways - what you are experiencing is normal and and the 'feelings' do not mean you are doing the wrong thing. Keep going. Try harder to block her out (see above). And consider other types of therapy that can re-train your thought processes.

[wmacbride]

She is unwilling to respect your repeated requests for no contact. That shows she doesn't have a lot of respect for you and whether or not that contact will hurt you.

 

Can you put a filter on your email so that it ignores anything coming form her or sends it straight to you trash folder?

[ShatteredLady]

It sounds like your wife is trying to handle this the way I did with my H's first A. In hindsight it was a horrible mistake! I don't think you have true remorse or empathy for your W. She is devastated! Part of her has been forever broken, she will wear those scars long after you have forgotten what your OW even looked like. If you TRULY felt at your core what you have done you would be repulsed, sickened by those memories!

 

The heart breakingly sad thing about this is your poor wife loves you so much that she is directing her pain at the OW & trying to understand & help YOU! Do you know how tiny & insignificant your pain is when compared to hers? Do you grasp how hard it is for her to choke back the AGONY you have inflicted just to save your feelings? You NEED to get-it, to truly & deeply understand what you have done on every level. Then you will move forward...

 

Knowing the pain (That's a tiny little word for something so beyond words) that infidelity causes I KNOW that I would feel incredible guilt for the rest of my life if I'd inflicted that on a stranger!! You did it to the woman you LOVE. The woman who trusted you so completely that you could do that to her for YEARS.

 

I don't doubt that you feel really bad. One day you might honestly understand & feel your wife's pain. You will feel true empathy. That will be the day you won't need to make posts like this.

[Southern Sun]

(((ShatteredLady)))

 

Gently...I am glad at least the OP is here, asking for help. We are human, we make terrible choices sometimes, we hurt the ones we love the most. But he wants to change, he is trying, he's working with a therapist, he's confessed, he's here. Of course, the hurt, the betrayal, is life-altering. Neither of us can understand the other's position, if we haven't been in it. But I am glad he is making the right steps now. Many...I wonder if most...do not.

[ShatteredLady]

I think that REALLY seeing it from his wife's point of view is a very important step to working through this.

 

I'm not beating him up because I'm bitter & twisted & want to hurt him. I'm trying to explain something that I thinks very, very important. I behaved like the OP's wife & didn't do EITHER of us any favors. Her demeanor is allowing him the luxury of feeling sad about the OW.

 

I believe that the OP needs to truly find empathy for his wife. Once he does his gut reaction to his OW will be one of shame & revulsion. If he really understand what your actions have done, what the 2 of them (WH & OW) did to his W & 'feel it'...it's hard to lament what was essentially a brutal crime against the woman he loves & should want to protect.

 

I think the OP will heal faster & with a far stronger M if he looks at things a little differently.

[Southern Sun]

I think that REALLY seeing it from his wife's point of view is a very important step to working through this.

 

I'm not beating him up because I'm bitter & twisted & want to hurt him. I'm trying to explain something that I thinks very, very important. I behaved like the OP's wife & didn't do EITHER of us any favors. Her demeanor is allowing him the luxury of feeling sad about the OW.

 

I believe that the OP needs to truly find empathy for his wife. Once he does his gut reaction to his OW will be one of shame & revulsion. If he really understand what your actions have done, what the 2 of them (WH & OW) did to his W & 'feel it'...it's hard to lament what was essentially a brutal crime against the woman he loves & should want to protect.

 

I think the OP will heal faster & with a far stronger M if he looks at things a little differently.

 

I agree, he does need to be able to see this from his wife's point of view. However, sometimes we cannot control the ORDER of our feelings, of which comes first. Oftentimes we need to first get distance from the affair, from the AP, in order to be able to gain the empathy. I'm sure it is different for everyone. Perhaps some people are first able to see exactly how terribly they hurt their spouse, and that is what causes them to feel disgust for their AP. I am a fWW. I was one who had to put distance between my self and xAP before I could clearly see the full measure of the betrayal I had unleashed on my H.

 

I just fear that if the OP believes that the one right way to do this is he must feel this particular way, or else his marriage is doomed, that he may give up and assume his 'feelings' mean he is supposed to be with the AP, or perhaps just that his marriage is not 'meant to be.' I see some people post on here saying, you MUST feel 'this way' or 'that way' or you are feeling 'regret rather than remorse, so just divorce and move on.' I believe that can be wrong thinking. It would be akin to an addict assuming that just because he pined away for a drink or his drug of choice, it must mean he just really needed it or it was good for him somehow. It's NOT. He needs to get clear of it before he can see the forest for the trees.

 

I don't want the OP to think that just because he doesn't feel a certain way RIGHT NOW, then his marriage is doomed or he is supposed to be with another person. That would be acting on temporary emotions. Now I can't say anything about what his wife is doing. She can't force him to feel anything differently. She can tighten the reins on him if she wants, but nothing she does can MAKE anything happen. She could get firmer with him, but it sounds like he is not continuing the affair. But it is fully up to her as to whether she can handle this very difficult period, of him 'withdrawing' from his 'addiction.' If she can't, then that is completely understandable. But it IS temporary.

 

Affairs are so horrible. So much pain for nothing really. The ONLY thing you can do is try to use it as a major wake-up call to make something MUCH better out of your life and marriage going forward. But you are in crisis, OP, and you have to get through that first.

[ladydesigner]

I agree, he does need to be able to see this from his wife's point of view. However, sometimes we cannot control the ORDER of our feelings, of which comes first. Oftentimes we need to first get distance from the affair, from the AP, in order to be able to gain the empathy. I'm sure it is different for everyone. Perhaps some people are first able to see exactly how terribly they hurt their spouse, and that is what causes them to feel disgust for their AP. I am a fWW. I was one who had to put distance between my self and xAP before I could clearly see the full measure of the betrayal I had unleashed on my H.

 

I just fear that if the OP believes that the one right way to do this is he must feel this particular way, or else his marriage is doomed, that he may give up and assume his 'feelings' mean he is supposed to be with the AP, or perhaps just that his marriage is not 'meant to be.' I see some people post on here saying, you MUST feel 'this way' or 'that way' or you are feeling 'regret rather than remorse, so just divorce and move on.' I believe that can be wrong thinking. It would be akin to an addict assuming that just because he pined away for a drink or his drug of choice, it must mean he just really needed it or it was good for him somehow. It's NOT. He needs to get clear of it before he can see the forest for the trees.

 

I don't want the OP to think that just because he doesn't feel a certain way RIGHT NOW, then his marriage is doomed or he is supposed to be with another person. That would be acting on temporary emotions. Now I can't say anything about what his wife is doing. She can't force him to feel anything differently. She can tighten the reins on him if she wants, but nothing she does can MAKE anything happen. She could get firmer with him, but it sounds like he is not continuing the affair. But it is fully up to her as to whether she can handle this very difficult period, of him 'withdrawing' from his 'addiction.' If she can't, then that is completely understandable. But it IS temporary.

 

Affairs are so horrible. So much pain for nothing really. The ONLY thing you can do is try to use it as a major wake-up call to make something MUCH better out of your life and marriage going forward. But you are in crisis, OP, and you have to get through that first.

 

You have made very great points coming from an xWW. I too am an XWW and BS (over and over again) so I understand exactly what you are saying and what many refer to as "the affair fog" I always interpret the A fog as those lingering feelings for AP. While I understand WS's go through this, the amount of time they spend in this state of mind can make or break the M. I am concerned the OP's wife will lose the will or motivation to R if this thinking pattern continues.

[OldRover]

TheOneYouHate:

 

I think you're getting too much criticism here, which is typical, and you'll have to sort through this. You're in a state of mind that you want to get out of, and have come here for help.... you're getting counseling, you realize the issues and your wife is behind you. All good, and you're working on things.

 

No one knows how hurt, devastated or broken your wife is and what she went through, so comments there are not appropriate. Also, no one knows the details of your marriage before the affair. There are worse things than an affair. Also, to criticize you for not understanding her side, or being successful in totally getting the OW off your mind is also not productive. You know things better than we do and you know what you really need to get.... just need help in getting there.

 

You DID come here for help, and you ARE working on things.

 

Yes, you need your wife's support on this, and nothing wrong with her help, if she's willing, and sounds like she is. You know, and admitted that it was a mistake and sounds like she understands that and is willing to forgive. I hope you can both work on improving your marriage... and you CAN.

 

As for the OW, it will take time, but it does go away. The more time you spend in NC and the more you focus on other things, the better it gets.

 

I went thru something very similar, in that it was hard to get over my ex GF (who was my former OW). A few differences, but my ex wife (whom I went back to through some strange circumstances, was willing to help me forget, as I was also willing to help her with her issues). The first two months was very hard, but got better and better. You can do the same.

 

Focus on the qualities of your marriage. Put your wife foremost in your thoughts, and work hard on doing things that show her you love her and care. I'd bet she will reciprocate. Keep yourself busy with work, activities, and goals. At all cost, avoid the OW, even if you have to take a new job or relocate.

 

I'm sorry you're getting such a ration of sh*t. You don't deserve anything but constructive criticism and help.... you need it and hope you can get through this with good success.

[fellini]

Not sure you can call it affair fog if after two months NC, and so little real contact with the AP, you are still fighting off thinking about her.

 

If you actually thought you were doing the right thing, you shouldn't still feel connected in any way whatsoever to the AP, regardless of her finding loopholes in your NC.

[nightmare01]

To OP.

How serious are you about getting your OW to stop contacting you?

 

If you're very serious - passive aggressive tactics like ignoring her emails and letters and/or not responding won't work.

 

Again if you're very serious, ask your BW to contact OW's BH and pass along to him all the email, letters, and the rest of it.

 

The nuclear option is often a good way to get things done and over with for good.

 

HOWEVER - if you're not that serious about knocking OW out of your life.. if maybe you are getting some secret joy at her attempts to contact you, OR if maybe you are afraid to have your BW and OW's BH start comparing notes.. then keep doing what you're doing.

[ladydesigner]

TheOneYouHate:

 

I think you're getting too much criticism here, which is typical, and you'll have to sort through this. You're in a state of mind that you want to get out of, and have come here for help.... you're getting counseling, you realize the issues and your wife is behind you. All good, and you're working on things.

 

No one knows how hurt, devastated or broken your wife is and what she went through, so comments there are not appropriate. Also, no one knows the details of your marriage before the affair. There are worse things than an affair. Also, to criticize you for not understanding her side, or being successful in totally getting the OW off your mind is also not productive. You know things better than we do and you know what you really need to get.... just need help in getting there.

 

You DID come here for help, and you ARE working on things.

 

Yes, you need your wife's support on this, and nothing wrong with her help, if she's willing, and sounds like she is. You know, and admitted that it was a mistake and sounds like she understands that and is willing to forgive. I hope you can both work on improving your marriage... and you CAN.

 

As for the OW, it will take time, but it does go away. The more time you spend in NC and the more you focus on other things, the better it gets.

 

I went thru something very similar, in that it was hard to get over my ex GF (who was my former OW). A few differences, but my ex wife (whom I went back to through some strange circumstances, was willing to help me forget, as I was also willing to help her with her issues). The first two months was very hard, but got better and better. You can do the same.

 

Focus on the qualities of your marriage. Put your wife foremost in your thoughts, and work hard on doing things that show her you love her and care. I'd bet she will reciprocate. Keep yourself busy with work, activities, and goals. At all cost, avoid the OW, even if you have to take a new job or relocate.

 

I'm sorry you're getting such a ration of sh*t. You don't deserve anything but constructive criticism and help.... you need it and hope you can get through this with good success.

 

 

Why is it that people need to coddle the WS?

[Rainbowlove]

What we allow persists.

 

My XAP attempts to creep back in with contact every 6 months or so.

 

Each time she does, I tell my wife. Each time she does, I see more and more how wrong I was about her and who I thought she was.

 

If she's finding you on social media, cool that down.

 

I don't know your full story, but I do know that time reveals all. Two months is not a long time in terms of NC. The road to clear headedness and healing takes much, much longer.

 

Give your XAP nothing. No nibbles. No attention. Nothing.

 

Best to you,

 

RL