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Wife had a sext/text affair.


Doorstopper

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These are without a doubt the most difficult words I’ve ever written. Sunday night after following a hunch I found that my wife has been in a 9 month texting/sexting relationship.

 

Background : Married for 23yrs , both 50. Not a wonderful ride but I have always loved my wife. We have fought a lot. I have a short temper. She also has some emotional issues. Both of came from very “cold” families. We have been pretty emotionally unattached for most of the last 10 years, though we still had a reasonable sex life. Hugging/kissing was always minimal by her choice.

 

Over this past summer, my wife had lost a lot of weight. We both turned 50. To celebrate we took a family trip to Vegas with 3 of the 4 kids. Had what I thought was a wonderful time. Sex was GREAT. She seemed to have a “bubble” to her personality

 

When we returned she went to her parent for a few days with the kids, while I had to get back to work. While there, she sexted me a few pictures for the first time ever. I was floored shocked and amazed. When she returned her sexual appetite was off the charts. Emotionally though, we were still distant

2 days ago, I found that she has been sexting with pictures (not large numbers but some) since feb with an old HS acquaintance. There has not been much remorse from her. I want details and I know its killing her to tell me so we’ve been arguing for 3 days.

 

Here’s the problem: She told me Sun night that it was over, and then tried to call him on Monday. He is halfway across the country, so I am not worried about a meet up. Mon we talked and decided to try to work it out. As soon as I left Tuesday morning, she chatted with him, told him she was sorry at least 5 times. Told him she was going to leave my ass. Don’t know if she was saving face with him or meant it. There was never a chance they would be together. It was all a house of cards for her. He is actually married and she believed some ridiculous story that they were divorced and then later that they still lived together because she has cancer. In order of her grief it seems like it goes: 1. Daughters love being lost (it will be back) 2. Him 3. Losing the “family” #37. Sorry for hurting me.

We are scheduled for counseling but I’m just beside myself. I take some blame for our relationship. My oldest son tells me its 120% my fault. Our 2 college age daughters told me to kick her out of the house.

 

My feelings: She lived out her sexual fantasies with him, through me, She wouldn’t sext with me ever, except those couple of pictures over the summer that she also sent to him. And finally and worse he had a stronger emotional connection to her, than me. There were roughly 100 texts per day over 9 months.

 

Does this sound like a lost cause?

 

Also, I have his home phone and Wife’s name. Should I tell her?

Edited by Doorstopper
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A few questions -

 

-When did she start working on losing weight?

 

- how did you discover the txting with the OM?

 

-Any chance she sent you the pictures by mistake?

 

- how are you knowing what she is saying to him now? Do you have access to her texts that she doesn't know about?

 

-Any chance they could've met physically? Is he from her home town? If so could he have been in town when she went to her parents?

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Whether it's a lost cause or not will be played out over the upcoming weeks and will depend largely on how strong you maintain your boundaries and expectations and whether she is truly remorseful and willing to severe virtually all contact with him forever and maintain a level of transparency with you.

 

Right now she is doing none of those things.

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These are without a doubt the most difficult words I’ve ever written. Sunday night after following a hunch I found that my wife has been in a 9 month texting/sexting relationship.

 

Background : Married for 23yrs , both 50. Not a wonderful ride but I have always loved my wife. We have fought a lot. I have a short temper. She also has some emotional issues. Both of came from very “cold” families. We have been pretty emotionally unattached for most of the last 10 years, though we still had a reasonable sex life. Hugging/kissing was always minimal by her choice.

 

Over this past summer, my wife had lost a lot of weight. We both turned 50. To celebrate we took a family trip to Vegas with 3 of the 4 kids. Had what I thought was a wonderful time. Sex was GREAT. She seemed to have a “bubble” to her personality

 

When we returned she went to her parent for a few days with the kids, while I had to get back to work. While there, she sexted me a few pictures for the first time ever. I was floored shocked and amazed. When she returned her sexual appetite was off the charts. Emotionally though, we were still distant

2 days ago, I found that she has been sexting with pictures (not large numbers but some) since feb with an old HS acquaintance. There has not been much remorse from her. I want details and I know its killing her to tell me so we’ve been arguing for 3 days.

 

Here’s the problem: She told me Sun night that it was over, and then tried to call him on Monday. He is halfway across the country, so I am not worried about a meet up. Mon we talked and decided to try to work it out. As soon as I left Tuesday morning, she chatted with him, told him she was sorry at least 5 times. Told him she was going to leave my ass. Don’t know if she was saving face with him or meant it. There was never a chance they would be together. It was all a house of cards for her. He is actually married and she believed some ridiculous story that they were divorced and then later that they still lived together because she has cancer. In order of her grief it seems like it goes: 1. Daughters love being lost (it will be back) 2. Him 3. Losing the “family” #37. Sorry for hurting me.

We are scheduled for counseling but I’m just beside myself. I take some blame for our relationship. My oldest son tells me its 120% my fault. Our 2 college age daughters told me to kick her out of the house.

 

My feelings: She lived out her sexual fantasies with him, through me, She wouldn’t sext with me ever, except those couple of pictures over the summer that she also sent to him. And finally and worse he had a stronger emotional connection to her, than me. There were roughly 100 texts per day over 9 months.

 

Does this sound like a lost cause?

 

Also, I have his home phone and Wife’s name. Should I tell her?

very typical you are not alone we've seen it many many times. first of all she isn't definitely more attached to him emotionally it is just the excitement of an affair if she lived with him and dealt with him in the day to day basis it would be be different.

let me tell you something very important, she is in what we call here the "fog" of her affair. and what we learned here based on many stories, the weakest you are the longer and more painful this will be and the stronger you are the quickest you will be able to get out of this. whether you want to work this out or not you need to be tough, do not tolerate anything demand complete no contact then yes inform his wife. In my opinion she deserve to know just like you do know.

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In regards to telling his wife, YES, for a number of reasons.

 

One is she has the right to know the state of her marriage and what her husband is doing with another woman behind her back.

 

The other is he is an interloper into your marriage and you have a need to fire back and make it cost him something.

 

The other is as long as he and your W are in contact and she is getting her ego strokes from him, you stand virtually zero chance of reconciliation. In order for you to stand a chance of remaining in a healthy, happy marriage, you have to blow up the affair and do whatever you can to stop it.

 

Chances are if she is informed, he will have to go on the defensive and do what he can for damage control in his own house and with throw your wife under the bus.

 

Informing the other BS is usually a no brainer and should be one of the first actions you take.

 

Your wife will be furious of course but that's just a price she has to pay for her fun at your expense as well.

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As for the first part - sorry dude. That really sucks. Show up 100% at counseling and if she doesn't, she doesn't. Life isn't over at 50 so if she's not putting in the effort, consider ending it.

 

As for telling the OM's wife - normally I'm one for keeping this stuff private. But in this case I would seriously consider doing it for three reasons: 1) the dude is still very much a part of your marriage 2) you've already considered it and now that you have, you might as well go ahead and pull the trigger and 3) it is a very good way to get him out of your marriage and show your wife (and him) that actions have consequences.

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Yes, tell the OM's wife.

 

and your son is wrong. The A is 100% her fault.

 

you and your wife are both responsible for the state of the marriage, but the A is 100% on her.

 

If she will not stop all contact, and be transparent, then you file for D.

 

She needs some boundaries, or she will have consequences.

 

Go see your lawyer about the D.

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A few questions -

 

-When did she start working on losing weight? Late spring. she says it was from not eating do to the stress of the situation.

 

- how did you discover the txting with the OM? I saw a facebook message from one of her friends saying she was't being judged but should want to be happy. When she met this friend for dinner she said her friend initiated it, but facebook showed it was the other way around. After confronting, I found phone message logs but all messages have been deleted.

 

-Any chance she sent you the pictures by mistake? I'm pretty sure that it wasn't I have all texts and when away I still always asked. I don't think there were significant nudes. She say 5-10. I think more but not 100s. She is somewhat self conscious of her appearance.

- how are you knowing what she is saying to him now? Do you have access to her texts that she doesn't know about? Only by some crazy chance I found about yesterdays message, but she did tell me. I did take her phone for a day.

-Any chance they could've met physically? Is he from her home town? If so could he have been in town when she went to her parents? NO This I'm sure of.

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Whether it's a lost cause or not will be played out over the upcoming weeks and will depend largely on how strong you maintain your boundaries and expectations and whether she is truly remorseful and willing to severe virtually all contact with him forever and maintain a level of transparency with you.

 

Right now she is doing none of those things.

 

This is what worries me. I feel like I'm bending over backwards just to get an acknowledgement. I find it hard to be strong, in this.

 

I do think It's done, or shortly will be. She didn't know he was still apparently happily married. As funny as it sounds that's not OK for her.

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very typical you are not alone we've seen it many many times. first of all she isn't definitely more attached to him emotionally it is just the excitement of an affair if she lived with him and dealt with him in the day to day basis it would be be different.

let me tell you something very important, she is in what we call here the "fog" of her affair. and what we learned here based on many stories, the weakest you are the longer and more painful this will be and the stronger you are the quickest you will be able to get out of this. whether you want to work this out or not you need to be tough, do not tolerate anything demand complete no contact then yes inform his wife. In my opinion she deserve to know just like you do know.

 

This makes me feel better. I can be strong, even though its tough. I have some difficulty determining what to be strong about. The no contact is being constantly stressed. I'm in it for the long run, but if she can't be happy with me, so be it.

 

We are going to counseling next week. Talked about her moving out for a while, but that's not in the works at this point.

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As for the first part - sorry dude. That really sucks. Show up 100% at counseling and if she doesn't, she doesn't. Life isn't over at 50 so if she's not putting in the effort, consider ending it.

 

As for telling the OM's wife - normally I'm one for keeping this stuff private. But in this case I would seriously consider doing it for three reasons: 1) the dude is still very much a part of your marriage 2) you've already considered it and now that you have, you might as well go ahead and pull the trigger and 3) it is a very good way to get him out of your marriage and show your wife (and him) that actions have consequences.

 

I actually called their home today, with caller ID blocked, but did not leave a message. Once I can compose my self I'll probably do it.

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Yes, tell the OM's wife.

 

and your son is wrong. The A is 100% her fault.

 

you and your wife are both responsible for the state of the marriage, but the A is 100% on her.

 

If she will not stop all contact, and be transparent, then you file for D.

 

She needs some boundaries, or she will have consequences.

 

Go see your lawyer about the D.

 

Funny thing about my son. He has Psyc/neuroscience degree from a prestigious school and will likely be in med school in a year or 2.

 

I told him he's like Matt Damon in Goodwill Hunting. Smarter than you could imagine and dumb as door knob all at the same time.

 

Her brother is a partner in a law firm. I'm the breadwinner, we do well but not wealthy. If it gets to the lawyers, most of my retirement savings will be gone by the time the kids get through school. I'm in Ma. I don't know any man that made out well in a divorce. But I don't want that, except as a last resort.

Edited by Doorstopper
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Full exposure will probably stop the affair.

 

Plus if she sees some consequences Eve's from her actions it might shock her back to her senses.

 

Most who don't expose live to regret it. It will help give you some closure. Being a Mr Nice guy at this time is a killer for you.

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As much as this sucks, I can't thank you Guys, Gals? enough.

 

I've said no contact. Should I demand snoop privileges for her phone, facebook etc.? I have asked that she stops deleting anything and any text or phone calls will show up on bills.

 

I want to know it all but I can understand her reluctance with that. Its not that she wont tell me, its that answers are vague with a lot of I don't knows and I can't remember the details. She has told him she loves him several, maybe 5-10 times but he never responded back according to her. She has also caught him in lies even before the implosion.

 

 

What other demands should I make?

Edited by Doorstopper
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As much as this sucks, I can't thank you Guys, Gals? enough.

 

I've said no contact. Should I demand snoop privileges for her phone, facebook etc.? I have asked that she stops deleting anything and any text or phone calls will show up on bills.

 

I want to know it all but I can understand her reluctance with that. Its not that she wont tell me, its that answers are vague with a lot of I don't knows and I can't remember the details. She has told him she loves him several, maybe 5-10 times but he never responded back according to her. She has also caught him in lies even before the implosion.

 

 

What other demands should I make?

 

You really can't make demands. You can't force her to do anything and at the moment she sounds pretty defiant and like she's ready to throw in the towel or just simply do whatever she wants anyway without any regard to you.

 

My recommendation is make up your mind on what you are willing to tolerate and what you aren't.

 

If you won't tolerate being a cuckold with a cheating wife then see an attorney and work with the attorney on what you want in the divorce and draw up papers and have all your wagons circled and your ducks in a row.

 

Then make up a list of requirements on what you will need to stay in the marriage ( your counselor can help you with this)

 

Then show her the papers that are all organized and ready to be filed and give her the option of -

 

Option A = complete NC with OM, completely on the spot access to her phone/emails/Facebook etc, entering into and good-faith participation in MC.

 

Or Option B = divorce.

 

Here's the thing, you can't "demand" anything or make her do anything. She has to make a conscious informed decision on what her options are and the consequences and benefits of each option.

 

Your strength and determination in maintaining your own boundaries are what will make or break the situation.

 

You have to be ready, willing and able to destroy the marriage in order to save it.

 

Right now she has to feel real world hardships and real world consequences. As another poster stated, she is in a fog and living in a fantasy world of unicorns and purple gumdrops. That fantasy world with her perfect lover has to be shattered by real world consequences of lawyers and mediation meetings and property divisions and looking for an apartment etc etc before she will let go of the fantasy world.

 

She is going to have to experience real world hardships and consequences before she lets go of the fantasies of making love on a south Pacific beach with her fantasy lover.

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Funny thing about my son. He has Psyc/neuroscience degree from a prestigious school and will likely be in med school in a year or 2.

 

I told him he's like Matt Damon in Goodwill Hunting. Smarter than you could imagine and dumb as door knob all at the same time.

 

Her brother is a partner in a law firm. I'm the breadwinner, we do well but not wealthy. If it gets to the lawyers, most of my retirement savings will be gone by the time the kids get through school. I'm in Ma. I don't know any man that made out well in a divorce. But I don't want that, except as a last resort.

 

Your son is going to have to go f k himself for a while, this isn't about him and he has no say in the matter.

 

He is an adult and mind to his own matters. This situation is between you and your wife. You owe him and any other legally adult children nothing. They have no vested interest in your personal matters.

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Responses below

 

 

 

A few questions -

 

-When did she start working on losing weight? Late spring. she says it was from not eating do to the stress of the situation.

 

 

no, it was because she was slimming down to attract the ON.

 

- how did you discover the txting with the OM? I saw a facebook message from one of her friends saying she was't being judged but should want to be happy. When she met this friend for dinner she said her friend initiated it, but facebook showed it was the other way around. After confronting, I found phone message logs but all messages have been deleted.

 

 

I'm confused, was this dinner with the OM? So they have met physically?

 

-Any chance she sent you the pictures by mistake? I'm pretty sure that it wasn't I have all texts and when away I still always asked. I don't think there were significant nudes. She say 5-10. I think more but not 100s. She is somewhat self conscious of her appearance.

 

5, 10, 20, 50, 528,231? How many pictures are ok to send to anotherman?

 

You are deluding yourself. She isn't self conscious with him. She is slimming down and losing weight and showing her new bod off to him.

 

 

- how are you knowing what she is saying to him now? Do you have access to her texts that she doesn't know about? Only by some crazy chance I found about yesterdays message, but she did tell me. I did take her phone for a day.

-Any chance they could've met physically? Is he from her home town? If so could he have been in town when she went to her parents? NO This I'm sure of.

 

 

You aren't sure of shyte. She's been having an affair for 9 months and you didn't know about it. There is a hell of a lot more you don't know about.

 

You may want to consider hiring a PI. This rabbit hole goes a lot deeper that anything you even imagine.

 

Her actions are indicating a woman fighting to hold on to a lover she is invested in. She is not acting like a wife getting caught just having a little flirty talk with some old friend.

 

Her actions and defiance are acting like a woman in an actual affair.

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ShatteredLady

I've been with my H for 25 years. Like everyone he has some great character traits & some horrible ones. He doesn't take criticism well at all (That's like calling the Grand Canyon a divot really!). The few times in our life that I've caught him doing something really bad that he's guilty about his very first gut reaction is to say, "I'm not in love with you! I'm not happy with you!". That changes drastically once it hits him that he's loosing me. It's his defense mechanism, pride, embarrassment etc. could your W be the same?

 

DON'T tell your wife you know his W's contact info or that you intend to talk to her.

 

I think you should contact his wife for all the reasons you've already been given AND she could find her own evidence & you could help eachother fill in the blanks & work out exactly what's been going on between them. I truly felt like I was loosing my mind when I was first in your situation. I know it sounds melodramatic but it truly feels like PTSD to me.

 

I NEEDED to know the truth. I NEEDED to understand. I felt like I'd been living in a fantasy, lie world for the past year. It's been nearly 2 months now since I've known most of it. Your feelings are normal. Hopefully anger will hit soon...I felt less broken & insane once I had anger. The devastation is beyond imagination for someone who's never experienced betrayal...that includes your W & my H!! They might think they know how they've hurt us but they really don't have a clue!

 

It's like the most horrific emotional rollercoaster ever. I'm so sorry. You don't need to decide anything yet. If you're like me how you feel will change many, MANY times, from day too day, hour too hour. Try to take care of yourself. Keep posting here. I've found the advise & support of these lovely, compassionate, UNDERSTANDING people invaluable. You're not alone.

Edited by ShatteredLady
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it sounds to me that she is going thru some sort of midlife crisis. she is not feeling loved, feels frustrated with her marriage, got some sexy thoughts on the vegas trip (why the heck did you bring the kids along? btw).

 

So she is having this online fantasy affair, and ignoring reality about his situation. That is just a step or two above reading some trashy romance novel she would buy at the supermarket. LOL

 

So no! I do not think this is too serious. STOP demanding that she end this. She will end it when she wants to...and since she keeps texting him she OBVIOUSLY is not ready to end it.

 

TRY to talk to her about sex. She is turned on with this online fantasy. Find out WHAT about it is turning her on. It could be lots of things. Maybe the sex life has died at home, become a ritual rather than a kinky new thing. Maybe she is reading 50 shades of grey and you are the purest vanilla on the planet. Do not bite her head off if she openly tells you such things. TRY to work out how the TWO of you can have a much better sex life together.

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We are scheduled for counseling but I’m just beside myself. I take some blame for our relationship. My oldest son tells me its 120% my fault. Our 2 college age daughters told me to kick her out of the house.

 

My feelings: She lived out her sexual fantasies with him, through me, She wouldn’t sext with me ever, except those couple of pictures over the summer that she also sent to him. And finally and worse he had a stronger emotional connection to her, than me. There were roughly 100 texts per day over 9 months?

 

Why would your children be involved in this very private part of their parent's lives? Their input benefits neither you nor them...

 

Mr. Lucky

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let me get this straight, Judge I am upset! my wife cheated on me!! Really says the judge. Lets see the itinerary for these clan-descent rendezvous. Umm gee judge.. it was actually text and some photos, but they were Really super dooper R rated!! And well... Judge... she feels bad about it... so i'm going to drag my kids thru this too! That will teach her to send messages and humiliate me!! What ya think judge, can I get the divorce??? Or your blessing that sending electronic mssgs qualifies as adultery. Judge thinks for a second.. then says... come back when you can produce better grounds... this just isn't going to cut it. Case dismissed.

 

see how that sounds? Not pleasant or rational ...

 

Get into counseling... it may help you both...

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mystikmind2005
let me get this straight, Judge I am upset! my wife cheated on me!! Really says the judge. Lets see the itinerary for these clan-descent rendezvous. Umm gee judge.. it was actually text and some photos, but they were Really super dooper R rated!! And well... Judge... she feels bad about it... so i'm going to drag my kids thru this too! That will teach her to send messages and humiliate me!! What ya think judge, can I get the divorce??? Or your blessing that sending electronic mssgs qualifies as adultery. Judge thinks for a second.. then says... come back when you can produce better grounds... this just isn't going to cut it. Case dismissed.

 

see how that sounds? Not pleasant or rational ...

 

Get into counseling... it may help you both...

 

A bit harsh but some points worth consideration.

 

Probably not healthy advice, but if it was me, i would have kept quiet and enjoyed my new revived sex life and perhaps sent him a thank you text!!

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let me get this straight, Judge I am upset! my wife cheated on me!! Really says the judge. Lets see the itinerary for these clan-descent rendezvous. Umm gee judge.. it was actually text and some photos, but they were Really super dooper R rated!! And well... Judge... she feels bad about it... so i'm going to drag my kids thru this too! That will teach her to send messages and humiliate me!! What ya think judge, can I get the divorce??? Or your blessing that sending electronic mssgs qualifies as adultery. Judge thinks for a second.. then says... come back when you can produce better grounds... this just isn't going to cut it. Case dismissed.

 

see how that sounds? Not pleasant or rational ...

 

Get into counseling... it may help you both...

 

Irreconcilable differences are plenty grounds in many places. Hell, I didn't even see a judge throughout my entire divorce. I suppose knowing the OP's jurisdiction would help.

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Although it seems that the sex part destroys my manhood or maybe excites it, If there wasn't a relationship component between them, I think there would not many issues. She talked to me about how they made a special connection. It really wasn't about sex, it was about the relationship she got. In a way I understand that and that scares me far more than the sex part. We haven't been there for each other. She is the one who called it an affair. She called her mon the next morning to tell her that she cheated on me

 

The issues we need to work out go beyond this.

 

We seemed to get a bit of a compromise tonight. No contact at all. I get phone access but will not read individual texts or messages.

 

I think she's beginning to think he's a sleaze ball but I don't know if I'm being played.

 

If this gets to divorce, it would be her decision. We did go to marriage counseling many years ago. She stopped when she realized that maybe she was responsible for some of the things that have happened. I am worried about her giving up on us.

 

Telling the kids was painful and the two college daughters was difficult. After this happened my wife insisted that all my kids hated me and I needed to hear that wasn't the case. Oldest was home and heard and will not give me any support. Was it right? No, I should have kept my mouth shut.

 

There has been a lot of yelling over the last 2 1/2 days but tonight has been quiet. This site has given me an outlet to vent, and its extremely helpful. Tonight I feel very angry, very sad but or the first time in 3 days I do not feel overwhelmed.

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My biggest worry is that besides texting they used the chat feature of dice with buddies. It's too easy to open another account/app and start that up. Its also difficult to uncover.

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