My gut says...

[Bzndirtrider]

Other than some details, you know the rest. Anyway, this is going to help me more than it is you, so here goes. Both of us are in our early 40's, neither has been married. As you can imagine, there's some baggage in the picture. We've been dating for about 1.5 mostly...OK, 1.5 intermittently happy years. My gut is in full blown thermonuclear meltdown right now, and I need to ramble at the internet for a minute.

 

I [M/42] returned from a 4 day work trip about a week ago. The night before my return she informs me that she wont be able to pick me up from the airport as she will be out of town. No biggie, she travels often.

 

That evening when she gets home, I lean in to kiss her right as the door opens. Her reaction is best described as a recoil. This one caught my attention.

 

Next comes a couple of days of strange unfamiliar tension between us. I can only describe this as two very (overly) sensitive people, feeding off of the anxiety of the other. We kind of broke down and talked about it without ever resolving anything. She was upset over a nasty argument that her dad and I had, just prior to the business trip...like I said, we're totin' some bags.

 

Fast forward to this past weekend, which was a really great weekend by the way. Hot springs, a great birthday party, amazing sex. I have zero doubts that we both had a great weekend...except for this thing that kept gnawing at me. I still can't say exactly what it was that really tripped my senses, or if it's even real. I do have a few things that stick out in retrospect.

 

For example, we meet for dinner and a movie on Friday night. She's sitting in the parking lot when I walk up to her car. She hesitates before rolling the window down, and says "I'm late, I'm sorry." I say something smart like "Well hello to you" and step back from the door. It's weird because, well, we normally greet each other with pleasantries...not to mention the fact that she was waiting for me. I know, I know, that seems like something that I should have picked up on, but I've had a vasectomy. The term "late" doesn't mean what it once did.

 

We sit down at the bar of one of her favorite lunchtime restaurants, and order drinks and food. While she is ordering one of the apps, she leans in to the bartender and says "we'll have the 'share' platter of blah blah". The bartender, in what looks like shock to me, stammers and laughs, and says something like "haha, I see what you did!". Again, I don't know if she actually even said any of this...I am so spun around right now, that I don't even trust my own memories.

 

This all quietly ate away at me while we soaked and drank and had great sex. Monday rolls around, she's headed out of town for three nights. At some point, this thing that has been gnawing at me finally congeals into an actual picture of what is going on. I didn't actually trust the story that my brain had concocted, but I was keenly aware of the impact that it was having on my mood. I decide to call her...she didn't answer...she called back a few minutes later. "Sorry, there's no cell service in the basement where I was working." By this point I have no doubt that she is in the very midst of an affair, and I come right out and say it. "Are you seeing someone else?" She says no, I'm her everything, she wants to get married. I apologize, and explain that I must still be stressed about the argument with her dad, and say good night.

 

I wake up at 3AM, guts in a knot. I'm certain that something is going on. I'm also quite aware of my history with infidelity. This is my 4th significant relationship to reach this point. With all of that in mind, I tried to make the most of this bout of insomnia. I cleaned, worked out, meditated...prepared myself for what I feared was going to be a pretty rough day. It was. She texted several hours later that she reasonably should have, and immediately began asking if everything was OK. That's reasonable given the conversation I decided to initiate the previous night, yet it felt like another piece of that story.

 

She calls me at lunch and immediately begins talking about how much doubt this has triggered in her, and how she can't fathom why I would even think such things. By this point I'm barely functional. I stammer something about all of this being my own insecurity, baggage that I am discarding, not a reflection of her behavior, etc.

 

The work day ends, and she calls again, and the conversation picks up right where it left off. We agree to talk again after dinner. Anyway, there's a bunch more. I don't really care to write it all out. Just putting this much into words has really helped.

 

Thanks, for listening...

 

TLDR - Girlfriend of 1.5y started acting strange while I was out of town. I'm now convinced that she's having an affair. I also don't trust my own judgement at the moment, on account of the fact that I seem to end up here quite often.

Edited October 28, 2015 by Bzndirtrider
adding a TLDR

[road]

Never a good idea to confront without evidence.

 

 

Best to of kept your mouth shut and you installed a key logger on her computer and hide VAR's, one in the house and one in her car.

 

 

Still not too late to shut your mouth and gather evidence.

[Bigdaddyt]

Bzndirtrider, I am sorry you are here, I agree with Road, say nothing and gather evidence do not marry her until you are able to put this to rest. I always go with my gut and it is almost alway right.

Your brain is like a super computer that picks up all data comments, actions, spoken words and stores this information . When another piece of the puzzle come in you trigger and you suspect . Take your time to work through this, take care of yourself , hit the gym, sleep, make sure you eat and do not allow yourself to become depressed.

[BetrayedH]

As road said, confronting without evidence is foolhardy. It just notifies them that it's time to take things underground. Whatever trails were hapazardly left as discoverable are now being furiously deleted.

 

What you've got so far is pretty minimal and while I tend to support the "trust your gut" mantra, you could also just be paranoid because of your history.

 

In a marriage I tend to be "no holds barred" when it comes to recommendations to investigate. At that level of lifetime partnership, there should be no secrets. With a GF, I'm not sure how invasive you should be when it comes to the typical suggestions like voice activated recorders, keyloggers, and the like.

[perol]

I have no clue why her saying "sorry she's late" has any connection to your vasectomy or an affair, and I have no clue why her ordering a shared appetizer means anything other than "she wants to share an appetizer" with you.

[Marc878]

Yep keep quiet and check it out. Your gut feelings are almost always correct

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "I have no clue why her saying "sorry she's late" has any connection to your vasectomy or an affair, and I have no clue why her ordering a shared appetizer means anything other than "she wants to share an appetizer" with you."

 

 

I'm sorry. I agree. I don't really understand your post. Will you please explain?

[Tayla]

false accusations ?

 

Step back and resolve your trust issues. I think this lady is worth it. Thats my gut response.

[Bzndirtrider]

Regarding the "late" and "shared" comments. These are examples of me looking for evidence of her infidelity in every aspect of hey behavior. After seeing those words in writing, I tried to delete the post because I was embarrassed that I shared my crazy with you folks.

[BetrayedH]

Regarding the "late" and "shared" comments. These are examples of me looking for evidence of her infidelity in every aspect of hey behavior. After seeing those words in writing, I tried to delete the post because I was embarrassed that I shared my crazy with you folks.

 

If I'm reading it correctly, you thought the "late" comment had to do with her period. And obviously she shouldn't be pregnant by you if you've had a vascectomy.

 

As for sharing an appetizer, I got the impression that she wanted the larger "sharable" size and indicated to the server that she was eating for two. Again, this makes him think she's indicating that she might be pregnant when he can't be a father.

 

Right?

[S2B]

If she's "late" and worried she's pregnant - and it couldn't possibly be yours - then why didn't you ask her if she thought she may be pregnant? And who could she be pregnant by? Ask her.

 

You may get info you need if you place a voice activated recorder in her purse while she's away. Look into that.

 

Is there a gps on her car? That might help too.

 

Can you log into her laptop and such? Have you looked at her phone to see if any apps show signs that are concerning?

 

 

The gut doesn't lie... You need to see what's going on.

[perol]

Regarding the "late" and "shared" comments. These are examples of me looking for evidence of her infidelity in every aspect of hey behavior. After seeing those words in writing, I tried to delete the post because I was embarrassed that I shared my crazy with you folks.

 

Yeah you are totally reaching and seeing something when there is absolutely nothing there.

[oldshirt]

In less than 5 complete sentences, finish this statement -

 

 

"I think my GF is cheating on me because........"

[Bzndirtrider]

BetrayedH - you nailed it!

 

Oldshirt - ...because she has pulled back emotionally, has changed the frequency and tone of communication, and because I am depressed and damaged.

[Mr. Lucky]

These are examples of me looking for evidence of her infidelity in every aspect of her behavior.

 

That you would, without provocation or cause, look at someone you love this way indicates how much this is about you and you alone. You simply might not be ready for this relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

I've written my crazies out here. No need to be embarrassed. Most of us have been through emotional turmoil & know what it can do to you on every level.

 

Yours is a complicated one because of your history. Are your feelings correct or are you damaged & paranoid from past experiences? ....maybe ALL 3!!

 

I agree you need more information, more evidence. You're not paranoid if you're right! Instincts are very powerful. We can't know you enough from a couple of posts. Just grab what you need from our different replies & spend some time analysing this.

 

Best of luck.

[turnera]

Hire a PI. Get it over with.

[Darren Steez]

Thing is, if she is in an affair, you've tipped her off. Doesn't seem like you had any evidence before now she'll be extra careful with her movements.

 

Agree with the above poster, when you talk to her chalk it up to paranoia and laugh it off. You need her to be as confortable as possible so assuming she's in an affair she'll continue her habits without laying low for a while so to speak.

So it seems most of her cheating might be on these trips you can't monitor her, so hire a PI to follow her the next time she goes. if you can put a key logger on the computer that would be great and velcro a VAR underneath the car seat.

[Morro72]

PI, or come home a couple days early from your next trip. Or both.

[HowCome]

Been there and still in it. I'm 41, I guess that's the age when you start changing and seeing the world in a different light... To cut a long story short, I noticed some strange reactions, wordings and emotions in my wife (love of my life, we've been together for 20 years) and started looking for more and more clues of infidelity and it snowballed and wreaked havoc in my psyche. After a week on a mission to find evidence I couldn't bear the mental brunt any more and broke down and eventually confronted her, all amidst a romantic trip... And all evidence turned out to be BS. I don't see it as evidence any more, but as madness actually -- seeing her going with someone when she really went shopping and showed me the receipts (well, unless the 15 minutes unaccounted for is enough to make it off, which I don't think it is...). We went for marriage counseling immediately and she's been supportive of me, and it seems we're moving towards closing this chapter quickly.

 

I suppose you could benefit from seeing a shrink in any case. Perhaps going alone would be even better and you could be more open about it and resolve your inner emotional issues more speedily. The thing is your quick mind takes you over completely and you start acting strange yourself, you withdraw yourself, and this works against the relationship. I guess you need to sort out your own emotions and aberrations first, whether or not she is really seeing someone (which you can't control anyway, and you have to accept that possibility, too. But you won't be able to deal with it effectively from a standpoint of emotional weakness that you are in now). Well, at least that's what I'm telling myself now.

 

As for spying, I was very tempted to start it, but eventually decided against it. Think about it, it's a loser's game: if you spy and you don't find anything, you're feeding a monster within you and get addicted to it, you'll be constantly tempted to go back to it, there will always be another clue, and another and another. If you spy and you get caught spying, this alone may ruin your relationship, even if nothing happened. If you spy and you find proof of guilt, she will definitely feel hugely offended by this breach of trust on your part and you can rest assured she will not want to remedy the relationship with a spy... She will have broken your trust, you will have broken hers, it's a dead end. It's a losers game, unless you are looking for formal grounds to end the relationship. If you still love her, it is best to tackle any issues on the emotional/relational level. If the love is really gone and she's withdrawn anyway and you are just two unhappy people, who needs any evidence at this stage, you can just let her go just like that. Just my 2 cents...

[saba7]

Here are some great items to find out whether its true or false.

 

1. A listening device that you can put in the car to possibly capture conversations that may be happening on her way to work or elsewhere:

Buy Spy/Hidden Recording or Listening Devices Online

 

2. a GPS tracker incase they have meet ups at certain places. You never know:

Vehicle Tracking Device |Enduro Pro,World's Smallest Active All-Weather GPS Tracker

 

Good luck!

[HereNorThere]

You definitely haven't provided enough evidence of cheating. I suspect she's probably pulling back because your controlling, insecure behavior is freaking her out.

 

Relationships are a risk. Give her the benefit of the doubt until she proves she doesn't deserve it. So far, you've provided nothing substantial to back your suspicions.

[spanz1]

normally I would say "always trust your gut"

 

 

but in your case, where 3x in the past things went south....maybe your gut is skewed. I agree...no confrontation, see if things are otherwise normal (same frequency of sex, no new panties or lingerie showing up that she never wears for you, etc). Try some var or keylogger stuff, but be very discrete as she will absolutely freak if she finds out and is innocent.

 

 

IF after a few months of quietly watching...nothing show up...maybe you do need a little individual counseling to figure out how to start trusting women again. In general, women ARE trustworthy. finding 4 in a row that are bad people would be very unusual.