Slynn84 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) I've been having an affair for nearly 11 months with a (now)single man. He was engaged to his girlfriend of 9 years and broke it off with her shortly after we began an affair. I'm a married mother of two. I don't think my husband is a bad guy but my family and friends would disagree. He has anger issues and people have said for the past few years that they would leave him simply for the way he can sometimes verbally abuse both my children and myself. For the most part he's not a bad guy, but people have witnessed these things and it makes me wonder if perhaps I've been wearing rose colored glasses for the past thirteen years we've been together (high school sweethearts). I'm an incredibly rwalstic person and am content with my life as it is. I'm not happily married by any measure but my husband is an excellent provider and we have a life pretty much anyone could dream of by all outward appearances. Back to the other man...we met about a year and half ago. We were friends but I have always wanted more. However being married and he engaged, was not going to act on it. After about 6 months of platonic friendship we both kind of confessed to the feelings there. and that's when the affair started. And I fell fast. And hard. And so did he. If I could have met him at 17, I would be married to my best friend right now. But that's not reality. Now this is complicated. Probably more so than any other affair. I know his family. I have vacationed with them and he see him 4-5 times a week. He knows my kids and we have taken them so many places with us. How have I managed this without my husband knowing? Because he's never around. He works non stop and my kids and I rarely see him. We haven't even had sex since I began the affair because I have zero attraction to him and just couldn't sleep with the two of them at the same time. I love the other guy. I adore his family, he's so good to me and just a really good man. He never wanted to propose to his ex but felt he owed it to her and this has been confirmed by his family and friends (who don't know I am married) but think I'm separated. He wants to be with me, the whole life together and everything and I feel the same way. We have discussed trust issues and are both totally open to open access to everything but I truthfully trust him implicitly. The thing is this stigma behind leaving one person for another and my giving up my life that I'm so comfortable in and having to start over. I don't know what to do. Edited October 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Stage5Clinger Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I was having my way with a married woman before. Thought I really liked her. Saw her a while after she was officially separated and it didn't feel the same. You should talk through the situation with a counselor or someone trustworthy before making any rash decisions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Slynn84 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 I feel like I need to clarify too. He left everything for me. His fiancé, sold his house, literally left everything for me. We have cried over each other and been so hurt by this. It isn't like we have semi luke warm feelings for one another, this is to where his family adores me and tells him he needs to keep me because everyone sees how amazing we are together. Could the novelty wear thin after awhile? Sure it could, but this is two people who really do love one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Stage5Clinger Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I feel like I need to clarify too. He left everything for me. His fiancé, sold his house, literally left everything for me. We have cried over each other and been so hurt by this. It isn't like we have semi luke warm feelings for one another, this is to where his family adores me and tells him he needs to keep me because everyone sees how amazing we are together. Could the novelty wear thin after awhile? Sure it could, but this is two people who really do love one another. Damn, you are in deep. I hope this is what you really want because it sounds like you've already made up your mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 So if you don't love your husband, are not attracted to him in anyway, he's verbally abusive to you and your kids, your friends dislike him.... You're not divorcing him becauseeeeee......? Sounds like it's a financial comfort that you don't want to leave more than anything. You can either get out in front of this and start the separation while continuing the relationship with your new guy or you can risk losing everything once your husband finds out and your lovers friends and family find out you were married this whole time. And it's only a matter of time before you get caught. By what you wrote it seems like you're actually being incredibly careless and pretty wide out in the open with your affair. You yourself are surprised that your husband hasn't figured it out yet. You're almost daring people to "out" you by the actions you're taking. Either come to terms that your financial support and lifestyle with your husband has to end OR walk the thin line of a double life until it all blows up in your face. Seems like an easy decision to those on the outside looking in. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I've been having an affair for nearly 11 months with a (now)single man. He was engaged to his girlfriend of 9 years and broke it off with her shortly after we began an affair. I'm a married mother of two. I don't think my husband is a bad guy but my family and friends would disagree. He has anger issues and people have said for the past few years that they would leave him simply for the way he can sometimes verbally abuse both my children and myself. For the most part he's not a bad guy, but people have witnessed these things and it makes me wonder if perhaps I've been wearing rose colored glasses for the past thirteen years we've been together (high school sweethearts). I'm an incredibly rwalstic person and am content with my life as it is. I'm not happily married by any measure but my husband is an excellent provider and we have a life pretty much anyone could dream of by all outward appearances. Back to the other man...we met about a year and half ago. We were friends but I have always wanted more. However being married and he engaged, was not going to act on it. After about 6 months of platonic friendship we both kind of confessed to the feelings there. and that's when the affair started. And I fell fast. And hard. And so did he. If I could have met him at 17, I would be married to my best friend right now. But that's not reality. Now this is complicated. Probably more so than any other affair. I know his family. I have vacationed with them and he see him 4-5 times a week. He knows my kids and we have taken them so many places with us. How have I managed this without my husband knowing? Because he's never around. He works non stop and my kids and I rarely see him. We haven't even had sex since I began the affair because I have zero attraction to him and just couldn't sleep with the two of them at the same time. I love the other guy. I adore his family, he's so good to me and just a really good man. He never wanted to propose to his ex but felt he owed it to her and this has been confirmed by his family and friends (who don't know I am married) but think I'm separated. He wants to be with me, the whole life together and everything and I feel the same way. We have discussed trust issues and are both totally open to open access to everything but I truthfully trust him implicitly. The thing is this stigma behind leaving one person for another and my giving up my life that I'm so comfortable in and having to start over. I don't know what to do. So it comes down to love or money. What pricetag does happiness have then? You get one life...get off the fence and make a decision. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 You have asked no questions...so I don't know if you are just sharing your story...or if you are looking for something Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 According to you, you are having an affair with the man or your dreams. You spell out the negatives about your husband but they really seem a little weak and maybe tilted a little bit. It would be interesting to hear his side of the story. You think that you and your affair partner are the answer to your happy life. You have not lived with this AP man for years and you are cheating on your husband. Successful long term marriages must have as a foundation of the big T; that is right TRUST. Your AP cannot be trusted to think of your children more than thinking about what is between your legs and what makes him happy. You are the same in that you will choose to feed your ego and emotions rather than choose what is best for your children. Do you think that your children will not be affected by you cheating on their father? Do you think that your children are going to admire you for breaking up the family? You and your AP are very low in the trust department. I know that you have a lot of rationalizations for your betrayal but if you break up your family will you let us know by posting how great your life is in a few short years from now? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Wouldn't this "great provider" who works "non stop" to provide you with a life "pretty much anyone could dream of" be on the hook for substantial alimony and child support ??? Not sure what's keeping you in the marriage... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) You must really hate your H to already have replaced him as a Dad to his kids. But he works hard to provide for his family. What a jerk! You are really living in the land of unicorns. Every one around knows that you are having an A. So just tell your H how much you hate him and that you will do anything for your OM, but nothing for the father of your children. You are already justifying your horrible actions by rewriting your marriage. Edited October 10, 2015 by harrybrown edit 5 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I feel like I need to clarify too. He left everything for me. His fiancé, sold his house, literally left everything for me. We have cried over each other and been so hurt by this. It isn't like we have semi luke warm feelings for one another, this is to where his family adores me and tells him he needs to keep me because everyone sees how amazing we are together. Could the novelty wear thin after awhile? Sure it could, but this is two people who really do love one another. Do you even know what love is? How could you be so cruel to the father of your children? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I wanted to add that he gave up everything for me: his fiancé, sold his house, everything. He adores my kids, and thinks he'd be great with them (he already is), so this isn't some run of the mill predicament, this is serious. So why don't you do the same thing and give up everything for him? Not to mention your husband who might not walk on water but provides for you and his family. Seems fair to me. One other thing. If your husband is a short tempered man and has anger issues, imagine the explosion when he finds out that you have been reaping the benefits with your lover and reaping the benefits from your husband keeping a roof over your head, food in your stomach and clothes on your back. You think he's not going to lose it when he finds out or is that your plan and when he does you call the cops and have him hauled off and you come out of this unscathed? Your walking on the sharp end of a knife and I really pity you if you slip and I'll bet the house that sooner or later you do. Then you can look in the mirror and see whose at blame. Look. Why don't you just end it with your husband and move on before you find yourself in a situation that you can't recover from. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I am going to guess you are a SAHM and he works all those hours to provide for you. I will also guess that your OM does not make the kind of money your BH does. So you are trying to choose between OM and lifestyle. If that is why you are staying with your husband then you are using him. Your children are going to mention sooner or later about the OM. Either end the affair or end the marriage now. You could up losing both if you continue this. I am wondering through why you never told your husband how you felt before your affair. You could work then he could work less and he wouldn't be gone all the time. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) iI've been having an affair for nearly 11 months with a (now)single man. He was engaged to his girlfriend of 9 years and broke it off with her shortly after we began an affair. I'm a married mother of two. I don't think my husband is a bad guy but my family and friends would disagree. He has anger issues and people have said for the past few years that they would leave him simply for the way he can sometimes verbally abuse both my children and myself. For the most part he's not a bad guy, but people have witnessed these things and it makes me wonder if perhaps I've been wearing rose colored glasses for the past thirteen years we've been together (high school sweethearts). I'm an incredibly rwalstic person and am content with my life as it is. I'm not happily married by any measure but my husband is an excellent provider and we have a life pretty much anyone could dream of by all outward appearances. Back to the other man...we met about a year and half ago. We were friends but I have always wanted more. However being married and he engaged, was not going to act on it. After about 6 months of platonic friendship we both kind of confessed to the feelings there. and that's when the affair started. And I fell fast. And hard. And so did he. If I could have met him at 17, I would be married to my best friend right now. But that's not reality. Now this is complicated. Probably more so than any other affair. I know his family. I have vacationed with them and he see him 4-5 times a week. He knows my kids and we have taken them so many places with us. How have I managed this without my husband knowing? Because he's never around. He works non stop and my kids and I rarely see him. We haven't even had sex since I began the affair because I have zero attraction to him and just couldn't sleep with the two of them at the same time. I love the other guy. I adore his family, he's so good to me and just a really good man. He never wanted to propose to his ex but felt he owed it to her and this has been confirmed by his family and friends (who don't know I am married) but think I'm separated. He wants to be with me, the whole life together and everything and I feel the same way. We have discussed trust issues and are both totally open to open access to everything but I truthfully trust him implicitly. The thing is this stigma behind leaving one person for another and my giving up my life that I'm so comfortable in and having to start over. I don't know what to do. I read this whole thing twice. Good god. You my dear are screwed. You're living some childhood fantasy. Your husband being real life and your fantasy OM being, well, fantasy. You know what, take both men out of the equation (neither are your heroes) chisel out a life for you and your kids. You, my dear are chasing a fantasy. And really, even if you snared this MM, you wouldn't be happy. I think you are suffering from the GiG syndrome. How about putting forth some effort on your marriage, that or leaving, if it's so horrible. You are chasing a dream. Heres a clue...think of your kids first. If their reality is horrible and abusive please leave. If it's all about you, your vagina, etc; think deeper. And trust me on this: it's not new mans job to fix your bad husband decisions. You married him, you had kids with him. All you.. Your crap decisions will get pretty old to new man. It's not his job to fix your life and decisions. That's all on you. Edited October 10, 2015 by Lurkeraspect 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Slynn84 Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 I am going to guess you are a SAHM and he works all those hours to provide for you. I will also guess that your OM does not make the kind of money your BH does. So you are trying to choose between OM and lifestyle. If that is why you are staying with your husband then you are using him. Your children are going to mention sooner or later about the OM. Either end the affair or end the marriage now. You could up losing both if you continue this. I am wondering through why you never told your husband how you felt before your affair. You could work then he could work less and he wouldn't be gone all the time. This is pretty close to accurate. I am a SAHM, however I am also a part time Bookkeeper. He's worked non stop our entire marriage and while I'll always praise him for his dedication to his work, he did sacrifice his family in doing so. And I honestly could live with a spouse I don't see that often but he's so tightly wound and often lashes out that it's caused bitterness and damage. As a teen dating him, and even a young bride, I thought he'd out grow it, but it's clearly a permanent personality trait. I don't blame people for crucifying me over my actions. I would demonize anyone doing what I'm doing. And this affair isn't something I take lightly. It is something I fell into, battling scruples all the way down. Some days I wake up and think I need to end it and other days I think my children and I deserve better than having someone belittle us or come home screaming because of his bad day. I battle myself non stop and that's what led me here, because I honesty don't know what to do. And it's gotten so bad that I almost feel like I deserve to lose both of them for all the wrong I've done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 why did you come here? what are you looking for? what do you need? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Slynn84 Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 why did you come here? what are you looking for? what do you need? Insight. Advice. I'm torn between the head and the heart. Do I leave or do I stay. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Look. What your doing is playing a very dangerous game here. You can never take for granted that if caught that your husband might not go off on the deep end and get really ugly. If that happens then what about the kids? Think they want to see dad hauled off to jail, Mom maybe assaulted because she couldn't do the right thing and keep her dignity and the stories flying around with this guy and the kids playmates? You got yourself in a real bad position and your best bet is to just file for divorce and let your husband have his freedom and you take the other guy but honestly, that wont fix the damage you caused but it might save you a trip to the ER and him to jail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 His family is ok with him dating a MW? I'm confused. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 so you are to the point that you need help in making a decision to stay with your husband or to leave him what do you want to do? You have built a case against your husband...given yourself every reason to leave him the only hold he has on you is financial You tell me...why would you want to stay? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Insight. Advice. I'm torn between the head and the heart. Do I leave or do I stay. How old are your children? You've already involved them in your affair and they know the OM so using them as an excuse to stay in the marriage is a poor choice and realistically not a factor. If your concern was that they grow up in a happy United home then your husbands verbal abuse has already prohibited that from happening. What else you got? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 His family is ok with him dating a MW? I'm confused. His family thinks she is separated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 OP you are selfishly using both men. Your husband for money and lifestyle and your OM for sex and romance. A real and true cake eater you are. Clearly you don't love your husband, but it doesn't look like you really love your OM either. Oh I'm sure you have strong feelings for him but love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. You are participating in so much deceit I don't know if you can even know the truth anymore and you expect your OM engage in that deceit too. You lie to his family, his friends, your kids. Your OM tried to take the high road but honestly disentangling himself from his relationship when he started with you but it looks like that was for nothing because he is still mired in your lies and deceit. As a I said, you probably don't really love either man beyond what they do for you, so maybe you should dump them both but I doubt you will do that so just make a choice and stick with it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Have you been telling the OM that you're going to leave or want to leave (future faking)? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) It's going to be really hard but you're going to need to separate the issues and look at them objectively. First of all, is your husband really verbally abusive? If so, this has nothing to do with your affair. This is just plain bad. However I find it surprising that this has never bothered you, or caught your attention until others pointed it out. If you're content in your marriage, then I think it would be a huge mistake to walk away from it. If you're unhappy and your husband is abusive to you and the kids, then you should leave and find a new place to live. This, however, does not mean that the OM should move in with you. That would be another huge mistake. The other issue you have is the OM. First of all, you made a really bad mistake when you involved your kids in that situation. Not trying to be mean but I can't imagine what you were thinking when you did that. The other problem you have is that OM has put you in a position where you will feel guilty if you don't leave your husband for him because he has given up everything for you. Think about your life if you stay or if you leave. But no matter what you do, don't ever make the mistake of laying your future in the hands of another man. Make sure that you can survive and thrive on your own. No matter how great this love is that you have, we all know that things can fall apart. Ask yourself where you would be then. If you don't like the answer to that, then I'd recommend treading very carefully. Edited October 10, 2015 by bathtub-row 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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