Danni2014 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) After a 6 month emotional affair and several false starts at NC, we officially succeeded in NC in April of 2014. We are both married with kids, both of our spouses new about the EA and we both set out to reconcile. However, prior to the final NC, exAP made no attempt at hiding his feelings for me and telling me he felt discarded, how could I get "over him so soon" etc. I felt incredibly guilty, whether that was his intent or not. So my husband and I went to marriage and Individual counseling and have been in a good place for many months now. Maybe even better than before. I had lingering feelings of guilt for what I did to my family, AS WELL as exAP and his family. I didn't want to be the cause of their marriage falling apart. (Yea I should have thought about that before getting involved but...) So it's been 18 months no contact. Last week I was out running on a quiet street not far from my house and exAP drove by, turned around and stopped his car on the side of the road in front of me. (He does have relatives in the area so it's not totally random he be there). He rolled down the window and asked if I hated him. No, why would I hate you? He went on to say that he's thought about me every day. He asked how I was and I said I was good--how was he? He said things had been "tough" with him and wife. And he gives me this sad look that made me feel guilt stricken all over again, like I wrecked his life. I reiterated I didn't hate him, take care and I resumed running and he drove off. I told my husband who lost his mind saying exAP is manipulative and a psycho stalker. But he was glad I had told him. I haven't heard or seen exAP since (although I've been a little freaked out to go running). But the guilty feelings I have are back--like I owe him more of an explanation. Yes I HAD genuine feelings for him, and I'll always care about him, but I have no interest in rekindling anything and I want to continue focusing on my family and moving forward but now I just feel stuck. There's a part of me that wants to contact exAP and say, look, having an EA isn't a hobby of mine, there were real feelings there at that time, but ive clearly made my decision to work on my own situation. And when he says things are "tough" between him and wife...because of ME? still? (Note he cheated before with a different woman, and his wife knew about that also). I just want closure. I feel so unsettled and like I owe him a detailed explanation. But I don't want to give him any false hope, and I can't help but wonder if he is just being manipulative and I'm falling for it? Thoughts? Thanks in advance! Edited October 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 You owe him nothing....no explanations...no reasons...nothing. You did the right thing by telling your husband...kudos to you for that. If you are still struggling...talk to your mc...the last thing you should do is talk to the OM...period. You got this! 8 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Out of respect for my husband and my AP's wife, if my AP attempted to speak to me I would not respond and run in the other direction. You have some work to do. Why did you even engage with him? You owe him nothing. You owe your husband everything. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 If my WW ever tells me she would like to speak with her AP to "get closure" about how things ended, I would walk out the door and never come back. It's that simple. Just telling me that she wants closure. That said, if he drove up to her, and tried to engage her, I would not hold that against her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Danni2014 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 I don't know why I spoke to him. I guess I was taken so off guard. I had "prepared" how I'd handle running into him, but so much time had passed that I wasn't ready for it. My IC has said I have major "over responsibility" issues, not just with this, but many things. I really need to get that under control so I don't act out of some perceived obligation that doesn't exist. But yes you are right--no matter how exAP feels, my husbands feelings are priority. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 perceived obligation that doesn't exist. as a former wayward, I struggled with this and it is something I had to work on hard in IC. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I don't know why I spoke to him. I guess I was taken so off guard. I had "prepared" how I'd handle running into him, but so much time had passed that I wasn't ready for it. My IC has said I have major "over responsibility" issues, not just with this, but many things. I really need to get that under control so I don't act out of some perceived obligation that doesn't exist. But yes you are right--no matter how exAP feels, my husbands feelings are priority. That's the thing...any form of participating gives the AP hope that you MIGHT participate again. Notice how he used the opportunity to pull out the sympathy card he played? And now it's got you 'thinking' again. So it worked, right? Get more help with your counselor. Gain strength to determine what is yours and what is others to handle. I suppose a healthy response to the AP would have been "that is YOURS to handle - NOT mine! Stop telling me your feelings - I don't need to know how you feel about ANYTHING!" Throw his crap right back into him - IF you see him again. And I'd bet money he is stalking you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 After a 6 month emotional affair and several false starts at NC, we officially succeeded in NC in April of 2014. We are both married with kids, both of our spouses new about the EA and we both set out to reconcile. However, prior to the final NC, exAP made no attempt at hiding his feelings for me and telling me he felt discarded, how could I get "over him so soon" etc. I felt incredibly guilty, whether that was his intent or not. So my husband and I went to marriage and Individual counseling and have been in a good place for many months now. Maybe even better than before. I had lingering feelings of guilt for what I did to my family, AS WELL as exAP and his family. I didn't want to be the cause of their marriage falling apart. (Yea I should have thought about that before getting involved but...) So it's been 18 months no contact. Last week I was out running on a quiet street not far from my house and exAP drove by, turned around and stopped his car on the side of the road in front of me. (He does have relatives in the area so it's not totally random he be there). He rolled down the window and asked if I hated him. No, why would I hate you? He went on to say that he's thought about me every day. He asked how I was and I said I was good--how was he? He said things had been "tough" with him and wife. And he gives me this sad look that made me feel guilt stricken all over again, like I wrecked his life. I reiterated I didn't hate him, take care and I resumed running and he drove off. I told my husband who lost his mind saying exAP is manipulative and a psycho stalker. But he was glad I had told him. I haven't heard or seen exAP since (although I've been a little freaked out to go running). But the guilty feelings I have are back--like I owe him more of an explanation. Yes I HAD genuine feelings for him, and I'll always care about him, but I have no interest in rekindling anything and I want to continue focusing on my family and moving forward but now I just feel stuck. There's a part of me that wants to contact exAP and say, look, having an EA isn't a hobby of mine, there were real feelings there at that time, but ive clearly made my decision to work on my own situation. And when he says things are "tough" between him and wife...because of ME? still? (Note he cheated before with a different woman, and his wife knew about that also). I just want closure. I feel so unsettled and like I owe him a detailed explanation. But I don't want to give him any false hope, and I can't help but wonder if he is just being manipulative and I'm falling for it? Thoughts? Thanks in advance! The man is a repeat cheater and any imagined closure that you feel you owe him could end up costing you your marriage. As a betrayed spouse I would take your need for closure as having more concern for other man's feelings over the feelings of your husband. To me it would be the final death blow to an already struggling marriage trying to survive your infidelity. The fact that you actually spoke with him and your bolded statement that you will always care about him say's a lot about the work you still need to do on yourself. You can only see him one way, as the man that almost helped you end your marriage and destroy the only security that your children have. Change how you see him before you cause more damage. You talking to him hurt your husband, trust me on that one. Your being groomed, wake up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 While I do think you did the right thing by telling your H, you did the wrong thing in even speaking to him, he is owed nothing! The only person who is owed anything is the spouse you took vows with period. My advice would be if he tries to speak to you or contact you in any way do not entertain his nonsense. This is probably why his marriage is still struggling and yours is not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) You want closure? Why isnt this closed already? You were given a gift and you are playing with fire. Your AP triggered you. You cloak it in the words "closure" but the mere thought that you want any kind of communication is a red flag. Your husband is going to trigger. Instead of thinking about your AP, in any way, you better be ready for doubt from him. You planted a seed in your husband's brain. You handled that meeting poorly and your thought process is not good. Do you need divorce papers to recognize this? Wake up Lady. The best thing you can do right now is go home and ask YOUR HUSBAND (not you) to send him a harsh no contact message. Dont think that your husbands mind isnt swirling. Fix this now. Edited October 8, 2015 by 66Charger 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Danni2014 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 I wish so badly I had replied in that way. I was thinking it, "what the h do you want me to do about it? i don't want to hear it!" Instead I just stood like a stupid deer in the headlights, out of breath from running, fumbling with my ear phones... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I agree she took a step backwards.....but she also went directly to her husband and told him. She could have kept her mouth shut and he would never have known. That's a big plus..... She still has work to do to detach from mr Romeo....she is already seeking help...I think she will continue to do so. She can do this....I know she can! She loves her husband and she knows this was wrong.... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I think if you really want to show your on the right path to your husband tell him you want to let the OM's Wife know that he made contact. Let him see not only are you in this marriage your also not going to be a part in the OM ever feeling he needs to contact you again. On another note I would write and send another No Contact letter as well. The more you show your husband he is safe the quicker your marriage is going to recover. C 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Have you guys thought about moving? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Danni2014 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 I do know it was wrong and if I could do it all over again I would do it differently. If I could do it all over again I wouldn't be in this situation at all. Maybe I should clarify when I say I want closure, it's more in the sense that this is completely DONE. I thought it was, but then this happened. When I say I care about him, its that I don't wish him any harm and I wouldn't dance on his grave if he died. I thought maybe more people on here may have had a mishap like this and could relate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Danni2014 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Yes we tried to sell our house last year--terrible market, no buyers Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Danni...first...no two infidelities are the same...so while I can relate to your situation...I don't know exactly how you feel. I do believe you have more work to do. I am not sure you yet realize what you have truly done to your husband. I pray someday you will understand. Concentrate your efforts on your husband...do everything he needs you to do. Eventually...maybe you will grow to despise the OM ....I was in the place you are...I did not feel anything toward my OM.....but as I began to realize what I did...what he did...I began to hate him. He is the bad guy....your husband is the good guy....you chose the bad guy.... See what you owe the good guy? Everything....he could have kicked you to the curb....and that is what you and I deserved. Get your loyalty and your empathy placed where they belong...to your husband. You handled it wrong...you recognize that...now work on why 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I do know it was wrong and if I could do it all over again I would do it differently. If I could do it all over again I wouldn't be in this situation at all. Maybe I should clarify when I say I want closure, it's more in the sense that this is completely DONE. I thought it was, but then this happened. When I say I care about him, its that I don't wish him any harm and I wouldn't dance on his grave if he died. I thought maybe more people on here may have had a mishap like this and could relate. People often say that you can only change yourself, not other people. In this case all you can do is be completely DONE with him. You cannot make him forget you or give him any other emotion regarding you. Only he can do that, at it is NOT your responsibility. If you run into him again, turn away. If he tries to stop you, call the cops. That might cure him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Personally I think "closure" is an illusion. But hey... Action to portray the clear message of closure is more useful. Make a plan. He will pop up again now that he knows you are out. What can YOU do/say that sends a message that it's over? Show him a certain finger? Hold up your hand indicating a STOP signal? Tell him to stay away and that you simply don't care if he's miserable or not - that is none of your business? Or all three? Either way, the smallest 'interaction' is most useful. Send the message that's clear and concise so he understands he is NOT welcome in your life anymore. If needed, tell him you'll file a police report for harassment and get a restraining order if he keeps interacting when you don't want that. (This is probably an idle threat - but at least he will know you don't intend to see/talk to him). Doing something to send a message is better than him thinking the door is now open. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 When I say I care about him, its that I don't wish him any harm and I wouldn't dance on his grave if he died. I think this is also something to talk about in IC. You don't wish him any harm? This is someone who is actively attempting to injure you and your family and who, if given the chance, would break the bond you've worked so hard to recreate with your husband. If he had his way, he'd suck you back in to the same destructive pattern and relationship. I don't have neutral feelings about people that try and harm me and mine. I feel an active contempt and dislike for them and their perception of that makes them uncomfortable in my presence. Your ex AP should get the same vibe from you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I agree she took a step backwards.....but she also went directly to her husband and told him. She could have kept her mouth shut and he would never have known. That's a big plus..... She still has work to do to detach from mr Romeo....she is already seeking help...I think she will continue to do so. She can do this....I know she can! She loves her husband and she knows this was wrong.... I love the balance and objectivity in this post. The OP had a blunder. She is still a work in progress. I would bet, like most remorseful WW's, she beats herself up privately more than any of us here could. She talked immediately and honestly with her husband. If I were her, the above response would challenge me, motivate, and give me things to think about without laying me flat in pieces. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 As long as your thought processes are wired to put more emphasis on others perceived needs (closure, being done, moving on)...then you will always handle/feel things a certain way. You see....whether or not the XMM is over it, happy...etc....should not have any effect on where you are at. A healthy person would have immediately recognized the risks in opening up that can of worms...even to just peek. They would already be hard wired with a go-to response. Why didn't you invoke your pre-planned response? Does time duration between making a plan and having to actually use it....really null and void prior plans....does ones word have a pre-disclosed "best before" date. Is it okay to justify our poor choices because of it? Kudos to you for disclosing. Now the hard part. You handled it poorly. During and how you feel afterwards. You have the choice to rugsweep your actions based on how long it has been since you have encountered him. Or....look at why you entertain/ed the emotional side of the relationship with the XMM at all. One choice leads to more of the same. One choice requires actions. Actions that one has to practice over and over to incorporate them into our personality. Still caring about a person who intentionally hurt your husband/family is akin to not fully feeling your husbands/family pain. It isn't easy to open ourselves up to that level of pain...especially if we are the ones who caused it. As long as we give ourselves the narrative that the affair emotions were real...we internally condone our actions. It puts a weight on the affair side of the scale as a way to balance out the hurt we cause. You see...it simply does not matter how either of you felt. Our society requires of us....to be in control of our emotions. All of them....even love. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I can kind of understand the OP's use of the phrase caring or not dancing on his grave. Here's the thing: If she judges him based n who he has been and what he has done and decides he is worthy to be hated......then guess what? That means she is worthy to be hated as well. And while I know a plethora of people who would deem that exactly right, I do not believe learning to hate herself will do her marriage OR her BH any favors. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Srth Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Thank goodness for this post and the advice received. I realized that i could have just cut off the relationship with the AP before anything happened but I had a sense of obligation to say "bye" in person and that led me into a situation I did not want to be in and almost ruined my relationship with my husband. I completely cut off contact with AP, I somewhat felt like I should have explained more (he got the gist) but now reading this thread, I realize that's not something I should even care about. His feelings should not have even been something I considered at all. I really wish I had gotten that into my head before! Sounds like you and your husband are in a good spot now. Try to let go of the need for closure with the AP and move forward. I'm working towards this as well! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Danni2014 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 The various perspectives have been very helpful! Thank you! it looks like I need to toughen up and get angry 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts