Why do I stay

[Theligtswentoutinga]

After 16 years of marriage to a man who has cheated lied been to jail I still stay. 3 kids nice house and money in the bank is not enough the latest event has had me spinning out of control with anger in the last 6 months. I have become so broken I don't know who I am. How could I let these things happen? I'm so fed up but he won't tell me the truth. Ugh so addictive is he personality we made it past prescription addiction> gambling> other women> "platonic relationship" with old femaile friends. He tells me I'm crazy and I guess I have started to unravel bc my gut tells me so and it has never led me wrong and I know after the millionth time he is still lying. I hate cheaters and the women who sleep with married men and keep their lies going. Please someone tell me I am not crazy and I have to be this way to make him tell the truth. I am exhausted. The roller coaster of emotions have been to much for me to bear.I am losing ....

[m.snow]

As of right now, your best option is to rest. gather enough energy.

plan for your divorce

lawyer up and make plans for you and your children!

 

if your ready initiate the divorce.

Edited October 8, 2015 by m.snow

[chapter44]

Try to detach emotionally if you can. Put your emphasis on formulating a plan to leave. Be calculating and get good advice. You will never know the whole truth so why bother. Just come up with a good exit plan.

[casey.lives]

you answered your own question: you're addicted.

[Mr. Lucky]

Please someone tell me I am not crazy and I have to be this way to make him tell the truth. I am exhausted. The roller coaster of emotions have been to much for me to bear.I am losing ....

 

I've never understood this. Why does a cheater have to tell you the truth about something you already know to be true? If you know he's unfaithful, what contribution does his confirmation make?

 

This waiting for him to confess is just a way for you to delay that which you know needs to be done. Sounds like you have all the trappings of a nice life so you'll have to decide what's more important - comfort or integrity. Given the picture you've painted, any more heart break is on you - most would have been gone long ago. At this point, 100% up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Theligtswentoutinga]

I know I am addicted. I have been with him since I was 17 years old and the first 1 and half years was tumultuous at best. After our rough time we committed. He advanced in his career and i in school. I guess I always thought of myself as reacher. He was always better looking and I was attactive but average. I think knowing he cheated on me in 2012 for 8 months after being caught at least once a month he "stopped". One of the phone numbers I discovered on his phone was a so called friend, they had for 14 mutual friends on fb don't know her but he has said the same. She cursed me out for hanging up in the middle of the night several times and we had some words with each other.Fast forward to 2015 and I get the hunch to check the phone bills and bam there is her phone number from the moment he leaves home to coming home at night with phone call durations of 1 minute. I lost it. I threw things cried and yelled.He called her she was calm. I told him to stop this it's disrespectful. The second number he called was someone named JOSE. He denied this but I looked up the phone number and it was a woman on an escort site.Fast forward to last weekend. He received a new phone and the text messages from this high school friend come through and reads."WTF THIS NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF immediately...or I could always come to your home." I was upset i made him leave that night. The kids were at my mom's for the weekend. We argued and he denied denied denied. The jose number I looked up and saw a name that he denied to know and she also denied to know him stating she had just received the number 3 days before. I called the vm this weekend and it states " HELLO my husband's name Courtney can't take your call. The same person who does not know him. He is still denying this and I want to scream. I want the truth to move on but the threats to come my home really grinds my tears. For his "friend" to come to my home means she has some serious dirt on him. I am so angry.

[Theligtswentoutinga]

Mr. lucky,

 

My life is not perfect.We struggle but I have given a lot to ensure my children have something in life. We both came from nothing but I have started to think his addictive personality will continually put my children and myself at risk. No amount money or comfort can make addiction okay. I may not value myself but I do value my children enough to know I can fix this or me and I am leaning toward the latter.And you ask why BS's need to know? Transparency.

Once someone betrays your trust some people like myself need to know in order to move forward.

[Lois_Griffin]

I know I am addicted. I have been with him since I was 17 years old and the first 1 and half years was tumultuous at best. After our rough time we committed. He advanced in his career and i in school. I guess I always thought of myself as reacher. He was always better looking and I was attactive but average. I think knowing he cheated on me in 2012 for 8 months after being caught at least once a month he "stopped". One of the phone numbers I discovered on his phone was a so called friend, they had for 14 mutual friends on fb don't know her but he has said the same. She cursed me out for hanging up in the middle of the night several times and we had some words with each other.Fast forward to 2015 and I get the hunch to check the phone bills and bam there is her phone number from the moment he leaves home to coming home at night with phone call durations of 1 minute. I lost it. I threw things cried and yelled.He called her she was calm. I told him to stop this it's disrespectful. The second number he called was someone named JOSE. He denied this but I looked up the phone number and it was a woman on an escort site.Fast forward to last weekend. He received a new phone and the text messages from this high school friend come through and reads."WTF THIS NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF immediately...or I could always come to your home." I was upset i made him leave that night. The kids were at my mom's for the weekend. We argued and he denied denied denied. The jose number I looked up and saw a name that he denied to know and she also denied to know him stating she had just received the number 3 days before. I called the vm this weekend and it states " HELLO my husband's name Courtney can't take your call. The same person who does not know him. He is still denying this and I want to scream. I want the truth to move on but the threats to come my home really grinds my tears. For his "friend" to come to my home means she has some serious dirt on him. I am so angry.

Well, unfortunately, since the age of 17 you've allowed this level of disrespect shown towards you in every way possible - and have still stayed with him.

 

When you do that, stay over and over and over and over and over again, you simply send the message that someone can disrespect you to unbelievably low levels and you'll still stay with them, so where's his incentive to show you any loyalty? You've given him permission since Day #1 to disrespect you. I'm not sure why you seem to be surprised that he's yet again - for the umpteenth time - showing you WHO HE IS.

 

Not that it matters at this point because it's been a lifetime of cheating, lying, jail time, alcoholism, addictions of every sort and more lying and more cheating, but I think you're about to find out that his latest squeeze is possibly pregnant. Since she seems to think they're a couple - having him on her voicemail message - it's more than just his usual skirt-chasing. And apparently, there's a time-sensitive issue she says they need to deal with, so something unpleasant is coming your way.

 

Again.

 

I think your constant 'need' to have him tell you the truth 'so you can move on,' even though the evidence has clearly stared you in the face for years, is simply a stalling tactic you use so that you don't have to actually DO anything. Holding out for a confession from him is simply your mechanism to continue staying justifying staying with him.

 

In the interim, your children are being brought up in a horribly dysfunctional situation and it WILL affect them as adults if you don't put them in a healthier environment.

 

I GET your need for transparency. But the years of continued lies have shown you that you're not going to get it. It's not the brass ring you think it is. He's not capable of being honest or decent and he's proven that to you more times than you can count.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over - and expecting different results.

[purplesorrow]

Mr. lucky,

 

My life is not perfect.We struggle but I have given a lot to ensure my children have something in life. We both came from nothing but I have started to think his addictive personality will continually put my children and myself at risk. No amount money or comfort can make addiction okay. I may not value myself but I do value my children enough to know I can fix this or me and I am leaning toward the latter.And you ask why BS's need to know? Transparency.

Once someone betrays your trust some people like myself need to know in order to move forward.

 

You can only fix you. Will him telling you the truth really help you to move on? Or will it give you something new to conquer and save? You know enough to know he doesn't value you nor his marriage as he should. Make a safe place for you and your kids. Do you really want some crazy person to be able to show up at your home? That isn't safe for you nor your kids. You already know your situation needs to change. What is your first step?

[Theligtswentoutinga]

Thank you for your responses. I don't think I demanded respect as young woman but I do now. I have an exit plan and with all his so called remorse I have heard enough. My children are my main focus and I have started to take better care of myself. I lost 59lbs and made an appointment to start therapy. Placing all the blame on me for his actions is not fair but I can see why you come to that conclusion. I thought stating my dilemma would garner support and advice not finger pointing.

[purplesorrow]

Thank you for your responses. I don't think I demanded respect as young woman but I do now. I have an exit plan and with all his so called remorse I have heard enough. My children are my main focus and I have started to take better care of myself. I lost 59lbs and made an appointment to start therapy. Placing all the blame on me for his actions is not fair but I can see why you come to that conclusion. I thought stating my dilemma would garner support and advice not finger pointing.

 

That is a great start! I don't know you but I'm proud. His choices are his fault only. Continue to find your strength, you are doing great. Therapy will help you to become even stronger. Take only what you need and what helps you from these boards. I hope you find your peace. Starting over can be scary and difficult. Good luck to you.

[66Charger]

The first thing you need to do is to accept.

 

Accept who he is.

Accept this is how he will always be.

Accept that you are worth honesty and true love

Accept that your life is not over.

Accept that this marriage is or should be over

 

 

Do not accept that he is "more attractive than you" or any of that crap. Attractiveness is more than skin deep. Trust me, there are thousands of men within driving distance of you who will think you are Gods gift to woman kind.

 

So wake up, get yourself some Tea, watch the sunrise and start your Second Life today, without the garbage.

 

Strength and Honor

[Theligtswentoutinga]

Thanks for your kind words. I'm going to push forward.

[66Charger]

Edit for H. Or within a quick flight.

[Lion Heart]

Hi there OP

 

Yuk. Horrible marriage to a crazy man. Look I'm sure everyone here could talk about your WH problems till the sun don't shine but seriously this about YOU!

 

Sure even a much shorter relationship in a marriage like yours would damage a person. I get where you've been but you're past that now. You're looking beyond this crap as you should. If you have to leave for the kids then leave for the kids. There are SO many reasons WHY you should leave. You need to write a list of WHY you're still there! THEN brainstorm SOLUTIONS to the fears, concerns and physical concerns like housing affordability, income etc. Some worries (deep and possibly FOO) may have to be left unanswered until later but while you're there, get very frequent IC. Take all those worries and get them worked on.

 

PLAN YOUR EXIT NOW. You will have the kids so rational thinking is best but sometimes just throwing it all up in the air is EXACTLY what springs you into a beautiful NEW LIFE for your children AND you.

 

If you haven't got employment then fast track your study immediately WITH that money in the bank and complete to get a great job.

 

My thoughts after reading your thread was you might lose half the assets (doubt it) but you're gonna quadruple your enjoyment of life and increase your pride in yourself far more than that!

 

Wow. Losing all that weight? Girl you can pi** this POS out of your life EASY. You will be so incredibly surprised what you can achieve in THIS area of your life too - your life after D.

 

Don't delay this process.

 

Lion Heart.

[66Charger]

59 LBs!!!

 

You already started your Second life!!

[Theligtswentoutinga]

Talking to you all,completely removed from my situation,has helped tremendously. I feel empowered to move forward with my decision and to stop letting his actions control my life. In many ways I know that this marriage is abusive. Not physically but a sick psychological high he gets living on the edge and watching me beg for him to think about me or our children. I needed this objective approach because sometimes my friends and family down play his actions.

[eye of the storm]

Thank you for your responses. I don't think I demanded respect as young woman but I do now. I have an exit plan and with all his so called remorse I have heard enough. My children are my main focus and I have started to take better care of myself. I lost 59lbs and made an appointment to start therapy. Placing all the blame on me for his actions is not fair but I can see why you come to that conclusion. I thought stating my dilemma would garner support and advice not finger pointing.

 

OP, I think the best advice I can give is stop worrying about him. And you need to finger point at yourself.

 

I accepted this.

I no longer accept this

I am going to change what I do

I am going to make my life better by removing things that are harmful to me

 

You are the only person you can fix. You cannot fix them, knowing why they do what they do will not help you. You need to figure out why you thought this was ok, why you allowed yourself and your children to be treated this way.

 

Once you get your focus on where it will do the most good. You will find it easier to heal, to learn new behaviors, and to move on.

 

You can do this.

[flowergirl14]

Another good resource is chump lady.com. They are pro leaving a cheater and theres also a lot of support over there for every step of the journey. When you have been weak so long its hard to be strong. It sounds like you are finding your strength. The more actions you take for a better life for YOU will be empowering. As to why your still there..you 've gotten used to being abused. You have been in it so long you dont know anything different. Physical distance and no contact will help you too.

[Theligtswentoutinga]

It's quieted down here. I think another issue we have had in our marriage is we are a couple who are of different races with his family having very little or no involvement in our children's lives. This has been espically hard for me as my children have grown. My son is on the spectrum,ASD, and is incredible high functioning in normal classes etc but it was very hard the first four or five years. My other two are just the most confident unique people. I just love these people with all my heart not only because they are my children but good little people. My resentment of him not taking more strides to have his 70 plus aged white parents accept my children is a cop out. I resent the time he has spent being stupid and doing dumb things but our children worship the ground he walks because I have always reiterated that he isn't here bc he has run our business. I worry about the backlash and lack of support for my children but in the long run I know it is for the best.Thanks for your kind words everyone. As I write this I think omg we have always been doomed but enough of my pity party now I have to do something about this.

[ladydesigner]

I know I am addicted. I have been with him since I was 17 years old and the first 1 and half years was tumultuous at best. After our rough time we committed. He advanced in his career and i in school. I guess I always thought of myself as reacher. He was always better looking and I was attactive but average. I think knowing he cheated on me in 2012 for 8 months after being caught at least once a month he "stopped". One of the phone numbers I discovered on his phone was a so called friend, they had for 14 mutual friends on fb don't know her but he has said the same. She cursed me out for hanging up in the middle of the night several times and we had some words with each other.Fast forward to 2015 and I get the hunch to check the phone bills and bam there is her phone number from the moment he leaves home to coming home at night with phone call durations of 1 minute. I lost it. I threw things cried and yelled.He called her she was calm. I told him to stop this it's disrespectful. The second number he called was someone named JOSE. He denied this but I looked up the phone number and it was a woman on an escort site.Fast forward to last weekend. He received a new phone and the text messages from this high school friend come through and reads."WTF THIS NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF immediately...or I could always come to your home." I was upset i made him leave that night. The kids were at my mom's for the weekend. We argued and he denied denied denied. The jose number I looked up and saw a name that he denied to know and she also denied to know him stating she had just received the number 3 days before. I called the vm this weekend and it states " HELLO my husband's name Courtney can't take your call. The same person who does not know him. He is still denying this and I want to scream. I want the truth to move on but the threats to come my home really grinds my tears. For his "friend" to come to my home means she has some serious dirt on him. I am so angry.

 

(((Theligtswentoutinga))) I'm with a serial cheater too and I've got my ducks in a row should his final moment come or I decide to cut the rope.

 

Look up the 180 and start implementing it. Detach detach detach!

 

Start finding things to throw yourself into and build a support system of friends who know about your situation. Start to focus on just YOU!

 

A therapist always helps.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you may not be addicted to this arse, you are most likely co-dependent on each other.

[truncated]

It's quieted down here. I think another issue we have had in our marriage is we are a couple who are of different races with his family having very little or no involvement in our children's lives. This has been espically hard for me as my children have grown. My son is on the spectrum,ASD, and is incredible high functioning in normal classes etc but it was very hard the first four or five years. My other two are just the most confident unique people. I just love these people with all my heart not only because they are my children but good little people. My resentment of him not taking more strides to have his 70 plus aged white parents accept my children is a cop out. I resent the time he has spent being stupid and doing dumb things but our children worship the ground he walks because I have always reiterated that he isn't here bc he has run our business. I worry about the backlash and lack of support for my children but in the long run I know it is for the best.Thanks for your kind words everyone. As I write this I think omg we have always been doomed but enough of my pity party now I have to do something about this.

 

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but up until now, your kids have been learning from this situation, but you have a wonderful opportunity to turn that around.

 

It sounds like you are making some big changes and gaining confidence. You can pass that along to your kids. If they ask you why you are losing weight, tell them bout how it's important to look after yourself. If they happen to find out about you seeing a counselor or therapist, you can tell them something along the lines of just how it's so important to look after your body, it's just as important to look after your mind and your feelings, and seeing a counselor can help with that.

 

Just seeing how much strength you are showing now will be a valuable lesson to them...they are lucky to have such a good mom:)

[Theligtswentoutinga]

Ladydesigner,

 

I think I have began to detach in little ways but fights used to lead to sex but now I fight him off of using passion to make me feel better. Unfortunately, as a young woman I equated his love with sex. He was older and estranged from his first wife. They were only married 2 months but she didn't want to leave family up north. 9 months into our "relationship" I was devastated and we took a break.ugh writing these posts I feel like it's a soap opera.

 

I think detaching from him will be hard but I hope therapy helps because we are co dependent me looking for him to fulfill my love and him needing a cheerleader and mother like wife for him.I wish you the best in dealing with your own serial cheater.Each time it happens it's like being followed with every indiscretion over again. It sucks belonging to this club but we will get through this.

[Theligtswentoutinga]

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but up until now, your kids have been learning from this situation, but you have a wonderful opportunity to turn that around.

 

It sounds like you are making some big changes and gaining confidence. You can pass that along to your kids. If they ask you why you are losing weight, tell them bout how it's important to look after yourself. If they happen to find out about you seeing a counselor or therapist, you can tell them something along the lines of just how it's so important to look after your body, it's just as important to look after your mind and your feelings, and seeing a counselor can help with that.

 

Just seeing how much strength you are showing now will be a valuable lesson to them...they are lucky to have such a good mom:)

 

I Will heed your advice and i know that if they need to talk to someone they also have a teen group and family counseling. I'm optimistic about my future with my children. I also stopped taking his phone calls bc I start talking and he gets defensive so short text work best for now.it feels good to know I am not crazy lol. Thanks for your advice.

[truncated]

btw...as a mom with three kids and one of them have an ASD, you already have a hard row to hoe, but your are doing it...you are one tough mother already, so keep up with the good work:)