BW OF serial cheater h needing ow perspective

[flowergirl14]

My h is a serial cheater. I have found evidence of at least 1 affair. Suspect more though. Also he was trolling craigs list personals and had a AM account. All this and my h has always professed to love me and our kids. He is very present with us. Involved and loving. We get along very well.Sex has always been frequent and hot. Honestly, i wouldnt have known anything was wrong had I not discovered all this. I have told him many times that I would rather get divorced than continue to lead a sham of a life. He always assures me that he wants to be here. That nothing is going on. Blah, blah, blah. From a ow perspective what am I missing? Is it the sneaking around, lies, deception, sex, that is so alluring? What must he be telling these ow about me or our marriage? Because from my perspective we are solid. He himself always professes to love me and not want a divorce. Believe me I have asked many times. I guess he is a master manipulator always trying to keep his harem happy? I see it for what it is but sometimes I wonder why?

[Artie Lang]

first off, why would you even contemplate"sticking it out" with such a perso, let alone try to learn how to appease him with advice from OW?

[eye of the storm]

Some WSs cheat because there is an issue at home and instead of dealing with it openly and honestly, they cheat. Some WSs cheat because the sun came up in the east and set in the west.

 

I suggest you talk to your WS. I personally would focus less on the why and more on the is he going to stop and does he want to do the work necessary to make you feel safe and secure in your M.

 

If you don't like his answers...you have 2 choices, live with it or leave.

 

Good luck.

[Grapesofwrath]

Flowergirl: First, I'm sorry that you are going through this torment. You are brave to come here seeking insight.

 

As for your WS...I believe that he is happy in your marriage, loves you, and doesn't want a divorce. To him, the cheating and marital happiness are both possible, and he feels entitled to both. He cheats for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with you, the marriage you have, or love. I know it's hard to wrap your mind around that, because it just doesn't make sense to those who live with integrity.

 

I was involved with a MM (emphasis on was) who told me he was happy at home, very satisfied in the marriage, still having sex with his wife, had no desire to leave....and he wanted to have a relationship with me, too. Told me he loved us both, etc. The mind boggles.

 

I would imagine that the most difficult thing about the situation you are in is that there is no way to "affair-proof" your marriage. If things are good at home, he's happy, you have a beautiful family, and he still cheats like that then I'm not sure where you go from there.

[cif]

Only he has the answers to your questions. But most likely you will not get truthful answers from him.

 

I had to go to your profile to read your threads because the BS in my situation could have written your post. You've known your husband was a serial cheater for a while.

 

Some people are just not monogamous. They have no business getting married. Have you considered an open marriage?

[chapter44]

First of all I am sorry that anyone has to go through this sort of thing. I am constantly amazed at the lengths people will go through to be dishonest and selfish. I was in a similar situation with someone who told me how much she loved me, we talked everyday, all the usual stuff. But something didn't add up, she used her children and friends as a means to lie and cheat. The bottom line for me was evaluating my sense of self respect in relation to my feelings for her. At the end of the day I knew I had to leave. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. I hope you find the courage to make the best decision for you and your children.

[ladydesigner]

I personally would focus less on the why and more on the is he going to stop and does he want to do the work necessary to make you feel safe and secure in your M.

 

This ^

 

flowergirl14 I am both an xMOW and BS and I am with a serial cheating WH who professes his undying love for me and swears he'll never do it again

 

I have replaced my focus to myself and I don't react much anymore to my WH I just watch actions. I am only watching actions as his words mean nothing to me at this point and he knows this too.

 

WH claims he is R'ing now. We shall see, in the meantime I am living my life to the fullest in other ways (healthy ways) that occupy more space than my WH.

 

I consider myself in limbo as I can't say I am honestly R'ing at the moment. I hope that changes in time as I see more from my WH and allows me to break down more of my safety barriers that have been up since False R.

[ladydesigner]

there is no way to "affair-proof" your marriage. If things are good at home, he's happy, you have a beautiful family, and he still cheats like that then I'm not sure where you go from there.

 

So true! It is this^ that helped me to let go.

[flowergirl14]

Flowergirl: First, I'm sorry that you are going through this torment. You are brave to come here seeking insight.

 

As for your WS...I believe that he is happy in your marriage, loves you, and doesn't want a divorce. To him, the cheating and marital happiness are both possible, and he feels entitled to both. He cheats for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with you, the marriage you have, or love. I know it's hard to wrap your mind around that, because it just doesn't make sense to those who live with integrity.

 

I was involved with a MM (emphasis on was) who told me he was happy at home, very satisfied in the marriage, still having sex with his wife, had no desire to leave....and he wanted to have a relationship with me, too. Told me he loved us both, etc. The mind boggles.

 

I would imagine that the most difficult thing about the situation you are in is that there is no way to "affair-proof" your marriage. If things are good at home, he's happy, you have a beautiful family, and he still cheats like that then I'm not sure where you go from there.

 

I think there are probably a lot of mm mw who have good marriages but still want more. All my h's needs are met but not his wants. It really saddens me and disturbs me. He can give me a passionate kiss tells his kids he loves them and then go off to see ow? Its mind boggling.

[privategal]

I can only tell you mine cheated and still loved and adored his wife and family in words and action. His wife was sweet and beautiful and a good Mom. He never put her down. I think he was aging and needed to feel like the man. I don't think anymore sex or attention or having the perfect wife as she seemed to be could have fulfilled him I guess.

But he ended many times due to guilt and came back many times cause he was attached I guess?

Not sure. I think a man is going to do what he wants and needs for his ego. We never slept together or kissed fyi but we had online elusive affair big time.

Im sorry and ashamed and not proud of it.

How did you discover?

[flowergirl14]

Im trying to focus more on myself. Although Im sure I am codependant. How to change that Im not sure. I have become sort of indifferent to it. This is NOT where I was at after dday and for about a year and half. I was severely depressed. The more I kept wanting answers the more I kept getting gas lighted . At some point I said lets see what happens. I told him I wanted to focus on myself. He said he wanted to work on us. I thought maybe he would see his beautiful family and not want to hurt us. Wrong! WRONG! WRONG!

[flowergirl14]

I can only tell you mine cheated and still loved and adored his wife and family in words and action. His wife was sweet and beautiful and a good Mom. He never put her down. I think he was aging and needed to feel like the man. I don't think anymore sex or attention or having the perfect wife as she seemed to be could have fulfilled him I guess.

But he ended many times due to guilt and came back many times cause he was attached I guess?

Not sure. I think a man is going to do what he wants and needs for his ego. We never slept together or kissed fyi but we had online elusive affair big time.

Im sorry and ashamed and not proud of it.

How did you discover?

I found out when a fb message came through from some chick he was flirting with that lived in another state.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

He's looking for sex & whatever from other girls because they are not you. It's not that you are lacking, but they are different from you. That's not something you can compete with or fix. Your only options are to tolerate it & stay or don't & leave.

[Poppy47]

Hi Flowergirl,

 

I am afraid MM who cheat put their wives and the OW in similar positions. We cannot get our heads around the fact that they feel so self entitled to have a marriage and and affair.

 

However, they do and in many cases, it seems to be just because they want to.

 

You have to weigh up whether you can live with this for the rest or your life. I don't see why anybody would put themselves through that as you are unlikely to change him.

 

I would simply leave and make another life, but your choice might be dictated by any number of things.

 

I do hope you keep you own interest paramount in all this.

 

Poppy.

[cocorico]

My h is a serial cheater. I have found evidence of at least 1 affair. Suspect more though. Also he was trolling craigs list personals and had a AM account. All this and my h has always professed to love me and our kids. He is very present with us. Involved and loving. We get along very well.Sex has always been frequent and hot. Honestly, i wouldnt have known anything was wrong had I not discovered all this. I have told him many times that I would rather get divorced than continue to lead a sham of a life. He always assures me that he wants to be here. That nothing is going on. Blah, blah, blah. From a ow perspective what am I missing? Is it the sneaking around, lies, deception, sex, that is so alluring? What must he be telling these ow about me or our marriage? Because from my perspective we are solid. He himself always professes to love me and not want a divorce. Believe me I have asked many times. I guess he is a master manipulator always trying to keep his harem happy? I see it for what it is but sometimes I wonder why?

 

I've no idea why you're asking us what your H might be telling women we have never met. We are not those women. The experience you describe is nothing at all like the M my fMM (now H) had with his xBW, and I'm guessing that those OW who can recognise their MM's M in your description will be the exception rather than the rule - and even they will be forced to speculate, since they don't know your H either.

 

If you consider your M solid - despite the infidelity - then what's the problem? Either the M is solid, and you're both happy as Larry with how things are.... or things are not as great as you're portraying them, and the M isn't as perfect as you'd like. It can't be both - unless, like the WS you're aiming to sketch, everything is just oh-so-perfect but you're also wanting even more?

[sandylee1]

I've no idea why you're asking us what your H might be telling women we have never met. We are not those women. The experience you describe is nothing at all like the M my fMM (now H) had with his xBW, and I'm guessing that those OW who can recognise their MM's M in your description will be the exception rather than the rule - and even they will be forced to speculate, since they don't know your H either.

 

 

She's just asking for a perspective from OW and she was very respectful about it as well. Everyone knows the OW here, are not (or they might be) the OW her husband has been with.

 

If I ask men on a forum why my H might have acted in a certain way, I KNOW they are not HIM, but I'm seeking THEIR views as men.

 

It's wanting to know what a MM says to the OW and I think this is a good place to do so.

 

FlowerG,

 

Some men and women will never be satisfied with one partner and your H sounds like one of them. If you are staying married then I suggest you dish out consequences or he'll do it again.

 

TBH - I'd rather my H told me something was lacking, because if he cheats when he's happy, you've really nowhere to go with that.

 

He wants variety of another woman and a 'normal' marriage doesn't provide that. So I'd ask him what will prevent him from doing it again, if he cheats when he's happy...... If you cheated and claimed to be happy, would that work for him?

 

It's not a case of asking if he wants a divorce, but more saying I'm filing for D, because you keep doing this. Let him see that divorce is on the table and then watch him beg for reconciliation. Up to now he probably hasn't felt you're going anywhere - so really what's his motivation to stop? Because his love for you and the family aren't enough to stop him at the moment.

 

Sorry you have to deal with infidelity.............it's a beast.

[Got it]

Flowergirl, I am a bit confused, do you know that there are multiples? If not, why do you think there are.

 

Regardless you do know of one. You can't make a person fall back in line, sorry I know that is rough. And I can't tell you why he is doing what he is. I would suggest MC but IC for both of you. If he won't go, just IC for you. Start working on the codependency issues that you think you have. Sometimes you have to be willing to risk it all to save anything.

 

Try posting over in Infidelity as well, there may be some other BS who have gone through the same thing as well as other BS focused sites like Surviving Infidelity which may have some great resources for you.

 

I am sorry you are going through this pain and I hope you realize he isn't worth it. Start being your own best advocate. He will either met you on the other side or he was never worth it to begin with.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I want you to know that i do not believe the problem lies within you..there is something lacking within him. I believe he does love you...in the best way he knows how to...by your own admission he has been a good husband and father.

 

I cannot tell you what is right for you....but i feel like you need to be reassured over and over again...this is not your fault....

 

I am very sorry you are in this position...

[Lion Heart]

Flowergirl

 

I'm sorry. It's horrible. I can't stand it but here I am again on the infidelity train. Travelling the long ride with my LS friends. Thank goodness you're here but I'm sure sorry you are.

 

My WH was shocked and cried when I said to him the other day "Did you know you can get gonorrhea from oral sex? It may be in her mouth or your member. Disease ends up in your mouth. You come home and give it to me. I only kiss you because I "know" you're faithful and what then.... I give my kids a kiss on the lips! Our grandson! Wtf were you thinking?? You were happy to infect the wife and children you "love" SO MUCH?"

 

Yes he cried. Apologized and cried. Hasn't happened that often since D Day Number 1 but it is now.

 

And I threatened a lie detector test. I knew there was more than 1 woman. My dreams at night of him with lots of other women intensified. Those dreams nagged my gut. I gave him an ultimatum. ONE lie. Just one. ONE more OW. Just ONE on the day of the test and I will ROAST YOUR A$$ FOR GOOD. Make this day my last D Day because you MAY have a chance at R. If my NEXT D Day is on the test day then we're done.

 

I said I'd spring the test on him before Christmas (within 3 months) BUT all his work gear was being moved to his parents before the test. EVERY single thing he owned was either there or in my car. ONE lie on test day and I'd leave him at the closest train station.

 

I was sure. I was CERTAIN. WH weird distancing I identified as A fog began YEARS ago. I didn't tell him that. I gave him no clues. He was such a smart a$$ since D Day and said things like "where's your proof" grrrrrr.

 

BOY it ALL came out. Many women. Many years. That was almost 4 weeks ago. The time line. The LOT.

 

Liars make me sick. I had watched his deceptive behaviours so closely since my D Day that I mirrored him. Bluffed him with "evidence" (which I suspected but actually couldn't "prove") from his mobile phone records.

 

I said between now and test day I'd download his entire phone history and call EVERY SINGLE NUMBER if I had to. "I want it from you. TODAY or no other opportunity. If I get a D Day in ANY other way. We are over done. Past tense. NEVER AGAIN."

 

Yes he coughed up.

 

All I recommend if anyone else is thinking of doing a copy of above is DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. I didn't thank goodness and I was livid. Getting it all in one hit made me SO angry but I had to keep my cool UNTIL he was finished. It took HOURS!

 

Lion Heart.

[66Charger]

There is a way to affair proof your marriage.

 

Serve them with divorce papers and go cold.

 

You teach people how to treat you. If you teach them they can do or say anything to you and you will accept it, then this will happen.

 

If you teach them your value and that you will walk away and they will pay a HEAVY price for such disrespect, it may not affair proof your marriage, but it will serve notice thar the price of a strange vagina is his life as he knows it. Do this or continue to be disrespected.

 

Serve him. Then do the 180.

[veryhappy]

Chances are your h is the kind of man who will just stick it to as many as he can just because he can. Monogamy is a sustained effort, so he'd only be monogamous if there were no women around.

 

What he tells the othtwr women might vary from the truth, nothing, some picture of slight or critical problems, depending on what he perceives will go well to get him uncomplicated sex. I saw a Craigslist post once about guy looking for some explaining how he loved andadored and catered to his wife. Your hbos genuinly happily married, and he just wants strawberry ice cream on the side with all the luscious chocolate ice cream at home. He just has too many spoons and needs to use them all.

 

There's not muh to understand, other than the fact that you won't change him and you need to manage the std risk if you stay with him.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's just unwarranted since you seem life a loving, devoted wife.

[eye of the storm]

My MM tells me things are fine at home, no fights, no reason to leave.

 

I am not his first OW, I probably will not be his last. He is a serial cheater.

 

Knowing now what I do, I cannot see anything his W could have done to keep him from straying.

 

Good luck on deciding what you want to do. It sucks and I'm sorry.

[RecentChange]

Well - I can only speak from my experience....

 

No, he never said a single thing bad about his wife. Never indicated that they would be getting divorced, or were even on the rocks, in fact his only comments were that he was being selfish, and that she didn't deserve it.

 

So not every married man tells some poor me story.

 

And yes, it was about excitement, the sneaking around, to an extent the risk.

 

And it was the same for me (I was also cheating) exciting, want to have my cake and eat it too.

 

I never said anything bad about my guy to him, said that I didn't want to mess up what I had!

 

So I don't know. We both acknowledged that it was wrong / risky - yet were super horny for each other, and just felt like life was too short to pass up the experience.

 

That said, neither of us were trolling the internet for encounters. I don't think either of us were "looking" at all.

[flowergirl14]

Thankyou everyone for your kindness. This has stirred up very deep emotions for me that I had pushed somewhere in the recesses of my mind. Just reading your posts and feeling your empathy is so touching . It made me cry and I haven't done that for some time. I have only ever had proof of one affair but recently saw some huge red flags that there was another. My family was/is dealing with a suicide in the family and I thought it better to put this on the back burner and focus on supporting my family. It is rearing its ugly head because it never goes away. I will keep reading LS and I think i will look into therapy again to work on myself. I know I can only change myself not him.

[Minnie09]

Well, now that he's been caught and assuming he's really happy in your M, like he states, don't you think that'll be his wake-up-call? He did what he did and it sucks, but he had never been confronted, never been exposed to your hurt and pain. He is now. He never had to deal with it before, because everything went smoothly for him and he had it all. Was this an eye opener for him? Did he offer any suggestions? Is he open to talking? What's his reaction? Look at that and go from there.