Jump to content

Emotional effects of partners cheating


HurtHusband

Recommended Posts

I have decided that I will leave my partner at the end of the year. I am not getting any younger and would like a decent partner who respects me. I don't want to start a new year with the prospect of more hurt, more of her infidelity and the possibility of her getting pregnant again or romantically involved with some other guy.

 

 

I check her phone and see that she still reads the AP's blog and looked at online profiles of other men.

 

 

I am a BH. Our family life with two young kids continued on as normal after she confessed to having an affair with my friend and getting pregnant last year. She had an abortion and ended it with the AP. A month later she starts up an EA via email with a college era exBF ( now married with kids ) flirts, exchanges photos/gifts and tries to entice him to visit so that she can 'show him around'.

 

This EA mysteriously ended in July and seemed to reach it's peak with my wife writing ' I'm free for the whole month, can you come over, ( I was visiting family back home with one of our kids at this time ) and I 'want to be back with you' followed by two heart icons. This despite him being married with kids and living in another country and having not seen him in 5 yrs.

 

1. Despite my wife's appalling actions I feel bad about the prospect of the break up of our family and how it will upset the kids. I wanted to have a long successful marriage like my parents. I wonder will she blame me for the break up of our family or will she wake up and realize that she caused this and that I just couldn't/wouldn't endure it. There were no consequences when she confessed but the impending break up will be severe and final.

She has never had to apologize for anything, I know she can't be changed. My story is on here already but just to recap. I am the work horse/ provider guy, zero intimacy no sex in yrs ( except for last yr when she was pregnant with the livers child and tried to pin it on me before confessing )

 

 

2. Anger: family days out appear fun and normal and it's 'darling this and daddy that' but underneath I am a smoldering volcano of resentment and anger. Sometimes it slips from my mind, maybe I am distracted by the kids etc

 

Last week at work I freaked out and 'lost my cool' causing physical damage to property. This is out of character and I know it's not good for me. I know what the cause of it is. This is another reason I can't just carry on as normal. Staying in the relationship is actually having a detrimental affect on me both physically and mentally.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

HH, I am proud of you.

 

I know this is has been a long time coming for you and has been a difficult road to travel.

 

We are still hear for you as you go through the process and - please - know you are not alone!

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

Man I just made a mistake and wasted an hour reading your initial thread( no offense to you) but it made my blood pressure go 160 over 100. are you still calling her wife and your relationship a marriage? she never held any aspect of marriage forget about the multiple affairs and sexless relationship, she has no respect at all and ( no pun intended) you got what you deserve. and your excuse for staying is the kids, that's just ridiculous, if you think you were doing your kids a favor by keeping them within this toxic relationship you are blind. in fact they would hate you and her for that later.

the reason why she disrespect you is because you allowed her to and you showed her that you won't do anything about it. she even threatened you with divorce to make you cave in.

I don't know why you are waiting till the end of the year, you have already wasted a lot of time. get out of there today man you are still at your prime 36 years old.

I guarantee the second you leave she would try to intimidate you first and keep the kids away from you then she will come back crawling begging you.

why wait till the end of the year do it now

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Why would you continue to stay with a serial cheater????

 

You have a problem. Only you can fix it.

 

Your life is what you make it. You are just delaying again what you should have already done hoping that it will change.

 

You have known what to do all along. Start a new life or get more of the same.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I have considered taking the kids and leaving her, ( this is how custody is decided here, seriously ) but I live in an asian country with a backward custody system ( legal visitation rights don't exist here and one parent loses all legal rights as a parent when you sign the divorce paper).

 

 

So her saying divorce to me translates as ' I own the kids, can re-marry and do whatever I want just like the thousands of others who divorce here annually'

 

 

That's not to say some divorced/separated parents don't co-parent and do what's best for the kids. But the majority don't and that's just the culture here.

She is a selfish lier and I can't trust her. According to the lawyer if I move first it's not impossible to get custody but it's not easy because I am male and a foreigner here.

 

 

 

I won't try it here ( I mean I would if I felt there was an immediate threat and I had no other choice ) but I prefer to wait until we go back and than lay all the cards on the table.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I saw two lawyers. One here and one back home.

The one back home, she advised me to find a new place and move out with the kids and arrange alternative child minding etc. while I work.

 

 

The lawyer here just listened sympathetically before adding take care and be careful when I go to work in case the wife takes the kids and leaves me first as it's near on impossible to get them back if this happens

( yes her exact words ) I am reluctant to roll the dice here regarding contact with my kids. I would not assume my wife could be reasonable post separation. And it's not easy still being with her, not by a long stretch. I can't erase what happened and with two young kids I know I sure as hell can't hang in their until their 16. So I know I am on borrowed time, I feel wounded and know something has to give. It's an impossible burden, I don't care how angry she gets or if she hates me in the end. I want to protect my self and my kids and she can than be free to do as she pleases..

Edited by HurtHusband
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear your struggle please excuse me if I was hatch on you in my previous comment my blood pressure really went up the roof reading your initial thread, you need to do what's best to get some sort of custody. In one of your last thread you mentioned that you were in contact with some other woman I hope you are moving on in your life emotionally too.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

do check with your attorney with regards to leaving the family home. could get you in trouble in divorce.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Man, grow a pair and see a lawyer. Start a new life NOW!

 

Man I hate it wen people don't bother reading the whole backstory and run off at the mouth and insult someone who is already dealing with betrayal.

 

Newsflash: OP does not live in the U.S. Or UK or any country where fathers get equal rights to children through divorce.

 

OP is doing his best with the hand he has. People like you need to back off.

 

Feel free to 'grow a pair' and come back an apologise to OP for piling on more crap.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

While I hate what has happened to you, I am glad you are finally waking up and realizing the toll it is taking on you and that you are finally deciding to take action to secure your own survival as human being.

 

 

You need to stop wondering if this person will feel and act like a decent human being. She won't.

 

 

She is an evil person and always will be. She will never feel and act like a normal, decent person. She is a monster.

 

 

The sooner you realize that and the sooner you get away from her, the better off your life will be.

 

 

Yes there will be challenges and hardships in regards to your children. But she is still such an evil monster that even with the trials and tribulatations you will experience to be with your children, it will still be better than being around that creature.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Man I hate it wen people don't bother reading the whole backstory and run off at the mouth and insult someone who is already dealing with betrayal.

 

Newsflash: OP does not live in the U.S. Or UK or any country where fathers get equal rights to children through divorce.

 

OP is doing his best with the hand he has. People like you need to back off.

 

Feel free to 'grow a pair' and come back an apologise to OP for piling on more crap.

 

I have read his whole story and I don't for a second believe he has done mucb at all to better the situation. In fact I told him a year ago that he would be in the same place NOW. WHY? Because he still has hope that his wife (more like sleeping with the enemy) will wake up one day and want him.

Edited by DKT3
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Sorry folks I should of written at the top that I am not in the west.

 

Yes it's a year on. I realize that we have no future. Regarding the kids, that's something we have to talk about afterwards. I know if push comes to shove she'd throw me under a bus. I suppose I was wrong to think their was some sort of conscience there? I remember catching her once looking at the AP's blog and confronting her/ getting angry with her, and I remember her telling me to leave and don't bother coming back. I thought if she can't even realize why I'm angry than this is hopeless.

 

Over $1,000 of her savings on an abortion, she is still missing the fun with him?

The memory of the affair still in her mind, A married scumbag with a kid... Well please don't let me stand in the way anymore..I am getting out of this sham/con of a marriage

Edited by HurtHusband
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Things have recently changed for me and I am currently moving toward divorce. I thought things were fine, but just lately she went back to affairville and went dark for about 6 hours. WW claims she was with a GF (who I do not count as a friend of the marriage).

 

She has to go back there a few times a year - it's unavoidable. What I've asked of her is to keep in close contact with me while she is there. This doesn't seem to be a really demanding thing - when I travel without her I keep close contact with her without being asked. It just seems like the right thing to do when you're traveling someplace without your spouse. Anyway she resisted and got angry about my request.

 

Yes. Red Flag. Fortunately I've had plan b in the wings for many years, so everything is lined up.

 

Sad thing is that I wasn't asking for much. And I actually do think that she was not in contact with her OM. It's her resistance to what I consider a reasonable request - a request that is made so that I can feel safe.

 

Her POV is that it's been 14 years so I should be "over it". Well I'm not. Maybe that's just me not being able to let go of the pain. She wants everything to be as if her affair never happened. And I just can't do that.

 

So that's the end.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

HI

 

Your story has always made me sad. I just think you've held on to thoughts of her being anything like a wife for too long. In all honesty getting pregnant, attempting to pin in on you, the abortion and lack of remorse were what defined the end of your marriage.

 

Actually read about the custody in Japan for foreigners and saw how bad the situation was, how foreign men had committed suicide because of this and still no change. In conversation with people who mentioned liking oriental women, I tell them about marrying japenese citizens and advise against it. One can love and marry anyone, but I've told my kids about the risks of marrying of loosing their kids if the marriage to people from certain countries falls apart I. E. Arabs. It happens so often.

 

Your wife has no respect or regard for you. I think if you actually divorced and demanded custody she'd agree because she needs you to provide financially. Even with loving your children as you do, many men would not tolerate the disrespect and leave her and the kids for your own sanity.

 

I commend you for having the ability to stay for the love of your kids and look at her every day. I couldn't live with such a horrible person, much less sleep in the same bed as them. You've sacrificed a lot for your children and I hope as they grow older they realise just how much you put up with for them. I know people say don't involve the kids, but are a certain age I'd tell them exactly what their mother had done in getting pregnant by another man , the abortion and subsequent EA.

 

Do everything to leave this marriage and find true happiness.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

In the aftermath of betrayal your shell shocked and trust is broken. I shouldn't care but when my wife goes out for lunch with some of the other mothers and I am working all day.. I start to wonder, I feel anxious. This happened recently and she was genuinely out with her friends, but this is how I feel now. She of course doesn't realize this. Would she understand if I explained? No!! It's done and dusted in her mind...

 

 

When she sees the texts from her EA and realizes that I know... I think she will be more upset that I checked her phone and invaded her privacy....I don't want to argue with her about what's right and what's wrong. I don't want to waste my breath.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
In the aftermath of betrayal your shell shocked and trust is broken. I shouldn't care but when my wife goes out for lunch with some of the other mothers and I am working all day.. I start to wonder, I feel anxious. This happened recently and she was genuinely out with her friends, but this is how I feel now. She of course doesn't realize this. Would she understand if I explained? No!! It's done and dusted in her mind...

 

 

When she sees the texts from her EA and realizes that I know... I think she will be more upset that I checked her phone and invaded her privacy....I don't want to argue with her about what's right and what's wrong. I don't want to waste my breath.

 

Don't bother talking to her about it. She's a lost cause. Just make plans to be done with her. You deserve to be happy with your life. You deserve to be respected. You won't get any of that with her.

 

should just treat her like a woman who lives in your home, that you financially support and who looks after the kids. Don't treat her like a wife and while you're there, get out and try and enjoy yourself. One thing we can't get back is time - make the best of this time and don't be miserable, because she isn't. Try and meet other expats via support groups and try and view your WW as irrelevant.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I hope you really do leave for good. But once you separate and move out she might beg you back or do a 180 and you might fall for that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I wonder if it is possible to use the point of her infidelity with evidence to get 100% of child custody in your reside country?

 

It doesn't matter in the country where HH resides. 99.99% of the time, the children go to the mother regardless of the reason for the divorce.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It doesn't matter in the country where HH resides. 99.99% of the time, the children go to the mother regardless of the reason for the divorce.

 

And this is why people who throw out quotes from experts and cookie cutter advice need to actually read details. There is no such thing as one size fits all, I don't care who says it or how loudly.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
It doesn't matter in the country where HH resides. 99.99% of the time, the children go to the mother regardless of the reason for the divorce.

 

well in those countries like japan, i believe they don't have child support or alimony.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Correct, there is no alimony system. Divorce is grounds for a divorce but has no bearing whatsoever on custody issues. Custody is usually given to the 'primary care giver'. However courts can only make non enforceable 'recommendations'

And can't enforce any decisions as there are no visitation laws.

 

 

Possession = custody seems to be the only rule. If you contest this you can be awarded 'legal custody' while your ex has 'physical custody' that sounds as crazy as it is and just means custody issues here are messy and from a legal viewpoint they don't want to get involved.

 

 

I have a friend here who made an agreement with his ex to share custody and got everything written down and it was signed by a lawyer and it seems to work vey well for him. I thought about this too, but they are just promises on paper.

I would prefer a situation where if we can't arrange something ourselves that allows both of us to be involved with the kids. Than a court will state that we have shared custody and if the agreement is being blatantly disregarded than that will be noted and there will be consequences. That won't happen in this country.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Correct, there is no alimony system. Divorce is grounds for a divorce but has no bearing whatsoever on custody issues. Custody is usually given to the 'primary care giver'. However courts can only make non enforceable 'recommendations'

And can't enforce any decisions as there are no visitation laws.

 

 

Possession = custody seems to be the only rule. If you contest this you can be awarded 'legal custody' while your ex has 'physical custody' that sounds as crazy as it is and just means custody issues here are messy and from a legal viewpoint they don't want to get involved.

 

 

I have a friend here who made an agreement with his ex to share custody and got everything written down and it was signed by a lawyer and it seems to work vey well for him. I thought about this too, but they are just promises on paper.

I would prefer a situation where if we can't arrange something ourselves that allows both of us to be involved with the kids. Than a court will state that we have shared custody and if the agreement is being blatantly disregarded than that will be noted and there will be consequences. That won't happen in this country.

 

Wouldn't that then become a matter of contractual obligation and contract law rather than family law? And could you not claim breach of contract (provided you get her to sign something like that in the first place)?

 

If possession equals custody then wait for the school semester to end and take the kids to a new place she will know nothing about. If they are younger, then great, go now. But whatever you do, do not remove them from the jurisdiction of their habitual residence. Then you will just become a kidnapper, if that country has signed the relevant Hague convention and most countries in the world have.

 

Crazy laws, btw. I am interested which country it is but I understand if you don't want to share. Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Crazy laws, btw. I am interested which country it is but I understand if you don't want to share. Good luck.

 

He resides in Japan and his wife is Japanese.

 

OP - Comes from a country in Europe (I think)

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...