Why does she lie after caught.. my "friends".... really ?

[Jacobclassified]

Ok, so I'm 28 and been in a relationship for 11 to this woman. I have had to constantly asked her to be truthful infedelity.. some she has admitted to others she insists never happened after I heard otherwise from trusted sources.

 

She did it when we first got together and I wrote it off we where teenagers and she was young curious. As most 17 year Olds do. But it persist! I didn't get the full truth until our first son was born....2 years later.

 

We seperated a few years ago because she was blatantly flirting with my next door neighbor. probably more but will never know. After a few months she came back to live with me. I asked her if she was with anyone and if she was did she use protection... she said she wasn't.

 

A few months ago she fell asleep on the couch and left her tablet on the table. Now I never go through her purse, her tablet or phone out of respect. But the screen kept lighting up over and over. When I picked it up and seen what was on it I was floored. She was sexting with 6 men. I asked her about it and she wouldn't tell me about it all. I asked if they where on her phone she said no. That was also a lie.

A few weeks ago I got hit with a bomb shell. Not knowing all the answers had been eating at me and I left for a week to clear my thoughts. When I came back I told her if she didn't tell me about everything I was leaving for good. She told me what I already knew but I asked her about something I was suspicious about while we had a friend living with me.

I asked her if she had slept with him while I was gone.. she hesitated and said yes. I asked her how many times and for how long did it persist.. she said once. So I got ahold of my "friend" and told him I knew and wanted to know his side. It's far from the same. She lied about several other times having sex and oral..

Now my predicament. This was 6 years ago! I'm livid I was never told! I had suspicion but never had any proof so I didn't press the issue. It may of been in the past but fresh to me! He has been to my kids birthday parties, I have fixed his truck, Givin him money.. and has been there while I wasn't home.. but the insist never happed after he moved out.

I just can't wrap my head around them doing that. I was faithfull, worked everyday and took care of my family financially.

I want to leave her but I love her. I want to beat his ass for it. Might do it when he gets back to my town next month. I don't seem to calming down at all over it. Should I leave her for an affair that happend 6 years ago? I do belive the sexting has stopped. She no longer has a password on her phone or tablet and is showing effort to fix this but I'm stuck on the betrayal..

[flowergirl14]

Whoa! Most people leave after one affair. You referenced more than I could count. How many? How long since her last affair? I would ask myself if you really think she will be faithful from now on. Also, can you ever trust her again? Just because it happened a while ago doesnt make it any less WRONG or less Hurtful.

[Lion Heart]

It may have happened 6 years ago for HER but for your mind it did only "just happen". YOU only just found out so man you have a lot to process.

 

You would never have had your "friend" to your kids parties or fixed his truck or lent him money. My WH and I use "my" loosely, fixed my "friends" fence and ended up all over her in her garage about 5 years ago. I found out 20 days ago. The hit was colossal.

 

You've got no only a betrayal but a double, multiple betrayal bomb shell on your plate. Your partner AND your friend.

 

You've been good to them both. It's pretty deep betrayal.

 

Your partner needs some intense therapy (as mine) being a serial cheater.

 

Everyone's gonna comment on the age you met. It appears she needed to "play the field" a lot more than you did. If you've been faithful to her?

 

Stay with LS. By the sounds of things you are going to need support in all ways.

 

Lion Heart.

[Jacobclassified]

We was 17 and she had a 1 night Stand with another one of my "friends" at my house after a party. I contributed it to ALOT of alcohol consumed that night. Doesn't make it any better and I'm sure not making excuses for either of them. He lost 3 teeth for it and looking back I should have left her then.

She was with another guy when we seperated for a little while even though we seperated because of behavior with my neighbor, I don't count it as cheating she wasn't technically with me. I wanted to know for my own safety if she had been having unprotected sex. Which she did, and gave me a std took a shot for me to get rid of and a shot and month prescription to get rid of. She never did tell me everything I wanted to know he mom switched her out because she knew it was wrong what she did to me. That was 8 years ago and she had an affair on me with a friend who lived with us for awhile. It went on over the span of 2 months. That's the only -affair- I'm aware of. That was 6 years ago but I can't help but wonder if anything happend since then with him or anyone else other than sexting.... I told her I wanted to know everything and I got more than I bargained for! I have 3 kids and invested 11 years of my life with her. I'm not sure if I can trust her. I haven't talked to her much about it because I'm afraid I might do something.

[Jacobclassified]

Yeah we was really young when we met. I'm sure that will be comments on that. People can be teenagers and not cheat. I'm living proof of that fact. I have never cheated on her .. not even once.

[m.snow]

Welcome to LS,

 

I feel for your situation, betrayal is not easy thing to deal with.

LS is good place to ask question and reference experiences to gain some knowledge.

 

But I would advise for you to seek a counselor to confide with. The importance of a good Individual Counselor is paramount in your situation. A professional is needed.

 

This person is your girlfriend are you not married yet?

[Jacobclassified]

We are married. House,dog etc.

[m.snow]

We are married. House,dog etc.

 

For how long where you married?

you indicated first son? how many children you have with her?

Are all the children biologically yours?

 

There are stark differences between those incidences that occur before the marriage and after.

I believe if those incidents occurred before the marriage they are somewhat different.

 

When you got married, this time around I believe that you were firm on your boundaries.

When she agreed to marry you, She should agree that your relationship be exclusive moving forward.

 

After your Individual counseling. I believe you will need some Marriage Counseling Session with your wife to see where things stand.

Honesty, Trust & Good Communication are integral part of any Marriage.

Edited October 2, 2015 by m.snow

[Jacobclassified]

We married after graduation in 2005. 3 kids now. Honestly I would have most likely divorced her if I found out about her with another one of my friends ... the part about him that makes me stark raving mad is he is the one who told me about my friend and her having a one night stand when we where 17.. I figured he would be the last one to do it. They just started to act weird all of a sudden and I picked up on it. About the time I started asking questions he had moved out. With no proof I just dropped it. I asked and they denied it.. in hein sight I should of lied and told them the other confessed back then and got to the truth. From now on I'm always trusting my gut it's never been wrong... obviously

[Akheron]

Considering your wife's history, I would strongly suggest paternity testing on your children.

[harrybrown]

She does not respect you.

 

File for divorce.

 

Tell her she can go live the POSOM, but leave you and the kids.

 

She can pay child support and alimony.

 

Go see your attorney today.

 

She is not sorry.

 

How would she feel if you had all these affairs?

[TX-SC]

I'm all for fixing broken relationships but she has been screwing anyone that will have her. Break up and move on.

[Jacobclassified]

I'm heavily considering it. It's obvious obtaining trust with her isn't achievable.

We haven't slept togeather since july. I don't have the slightest urge to do so anymore. I have been -talking- to another woman for the past few weeks but even now I feel guilty because I haven't told her. Does that make me a hipocrite?

And where can I learn these acronyms everyone uses?

[Jacobclassified]

Considering your wife's history, I would strongly suggest paternity testing on your children.

 

I had a paternity test done on 2 of them when we seperated. My divorce lawyer said I had to prove paternity for custody of the kids. My daughter, the youngest I haven't done one. The truth is if she isn't mine I truly just don't want to know. It would devastate me. And honestly I might bury somebody if I found out.

[Lion Heart]

I'm heavily considering it. It's obvious obtaining trust with her isn't achievable.

We haven't slept togeather since july. I don't have the slightest urge to do so anymore. I have been -talking- to another woman for the past few weeks but even now I feel guilty because I haven't told her. Does that make me a hipocrite?

And where can I learn these acronyms everyone uses?

 

OM - Other Man

AP - Affair Partner

D - Divorce

M - Married

POS - means piece of sh**!

WW - Wayward Wife (referenced on LS as unfaithful but there are all types of wayward behaviour in general)

BH - Betrayed Husband

 

These are the acronyms I see already and predict will be used in your thread.

Best wishes

I'm following your story as many others will be.

Keep posting.

 

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

I'm heavily considering it. It's obvious obtaining trust with her isn't achievable.

We haven't slept togeather since july. I don't have the slightest urge to do so anymore. I have been -talking- to another woman for the past few weeks but even now I feel guilty because I haven't told her. Does that make me a hipocrite?

And where can I learn these acronyms everyone uses?

 

In response to "does that make me a hypocrite?

Depending on the cultural norms in your country / state etc (I live in Australia), you may well be seen as "unfaithful" to your Wayward Wife.

 

In Australia I could comfortably say that when a couple separates and it is "known" to be so, even though still legally married, it is fine to date etc.

 

From what I've gathered and please check with your lawyer, especially if you live in the U.S.A. you could risk alot of leverage

should this situation be dealt with in court. Especially re-child custody.

 

My advice in any case is to stay clean and detached from any involvement with Other Women (OWs). Let this woman you are chatting with know that this isn't the time for you to start anything "it wouldn't be fair on her". Correct in my estimation.

It will bear good weight on your side to have a squeaky clean fidelity record, because WW is doing a great job at muddying her infidelity record with her list of OMs getting longer.

 

Last and not in the least, you in another relationship so quickly would cause chaos and confusion in your little children's minds. Best done after D then discreetly until you meet a more stable woman who is likely to be with you all in the long run. In My Opinion only (IMO).

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[irishguy]

I think you should end this marriage ,she has cheated a bunch of times ,you could never trust her again so why are you staying with her.Dont stay just for the kids , first chance you get look up some info on divorce in your area.

[onemanband]

Nothing is going to change.you need to leave her, if you dont it will happen over and over , you havent even got half of the info!

[Jacobclassified]

First and foremost, I have never cheated on her. I have been talking with another woman but it isn't in a flirty sexual orientated way at all. She is aware of my situation. if she would be interested in sleeping with a married man "me" she wouldn't be any where near relationship material in my eyes. I litterly only have one friend left other than her and it's the man she had an affair with little brother. Not really something I want to talk with him about. We never fight around the kids we always go out side or wait until they are asleep if we do. They are oblivious to what's going on. Her friends do though. Being the nice guy that I a posted her kik conversations on her face book wall for a few hours for everyone to see lol

[BetrayedH]

When my wife had an affair, I eventually had one of my own. We ended up divorcing.

 

While we've kept the children unaware of the affair(s), one of the toughest things for me is knowing that if I ever decide to give them the full truth about what happened (so far they haven't asked) it's going to include that their Dad had an affair, too.

 

Don't date or fool around at all until such time as you've legally separated and/or filed for divorce. Keep your integrity.

[autumnnight]

Sometimes someone makes a very bad choice and then comes back from it with remorse and change. That does not seem to be the case with your wife. CHeating and lying seem to be a lifestyle for her.

 

You shouldn't have to live with that forever.

[coryreply]

Hey Jacob. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sure all of this has been taxing on you emotionally. Hang in there.

 

I think before you make a decision on whether or not you can stay with your wife after all of this, you need to sit down with a good marriage counselor.

 

Based on what you shared, it doesn't sound like she's ready to be completely honest with you. If there's any chance of you guys moving forward in a healthy way, I think you have to know the full truth of what's been going on. A good counselor can help you ask the right questions, in the right way, to make real progress.

 

I hope the best for you. Divorce is horrible. I pray you can avoid putting yourself and your family through it. Obviously, your wife is going to have to be willing to put in the work necessary to fix this mess.

 

Good luck.

[Darren Steez]

invested 11 years of my life with her.

 

How many men will it take before you leave her? Nine? Maybe the tenth will convince you to leave.

 

Question for you, since very early in your relationship for wife has been looking for something with all these men. Something missing from her life..it may not just be the sex but the high from sneaking around or just needing to be validated by hving someone new in her life. So far through doing nothing she has just continued.

 

Stop talking to this other woman, sort out the problem in front of you instead of running away and hoping some miracle will fall from the sky because that miracle will just be your wife taking up with another man again..and again..and again.

[Robert]

Folks, this has been cleaned up by moderation and decided that a new member posted here by mistake instead of their own thread. Please continue the discussion that was started here and remain on topic to the OP. Thank you ~ V

[oldshirt]

whether you leave her for the affair she had 6 years ago or not is up to you.

 

 

I would recommend leaving her for the affair she's going to have next week and the month after that and the one over the holidays etc etc

 

 

She's a chronic, habitual cheater. A traditional, monogamous marriage is not in her nomenclature.

 

 

If you want to have a home and marriage where you can trust your spouse and not have to grow eyes out the back of your head, you are going to have to find someone else. She is incapable of faithfulness.