BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 My husband and I were married for 4 years. He had an affair with a family friend and eventually left me for her. I really fought it but it didn't matter. He loved her, it was true love, she loved him, blah blah blah. He ended up giving me about everything just so he could leave fast and easy and he did. Even though he left for her almost 6 years ago, they didn't get married until 6 months ago because she needed health insurance. He says they're happy and so does she, but I know they fight sometimes so it's far from perfect. I found out from a friend where we work that he's taking a lot of time off from work. Neither of them have told me anything but he applied for FMLA through works saying that his wife was terminally ill and needs surgery. It makes sense because he's been really upset and she is up at the hospital all the time. I rarely see her around anymore but when I do she usually looks awful. I never really got past the affair. I dated a little and had a couple relationships but none of them measured up to what I had with him. Even though he had the affair with her, he's it the cheating type at all. It was just that one time with her because he said he loved her and she was special. I would take him back in a minute especially if she wasn't around. Should I approach him and say I know what's going on and I want to be there to support him and let him know that I'm willing to give us another shot if something happens to her? Or should I just be there for him and hope it turns into something more? I was thinking about texting her and telling her I heard she was sick and try to talk to her about it but I'm not sure how appropriate that is. Ultimtely I'd like to come to her and let her know what's going on and what the plans are and reassure her that I'll take care of the kids and her after she's gone. I think it would be easier if he did it with me though. Or if she and I could come to an understanding and then talk to him. I'm not actively looking to encourage him to cheat on her, but if it happens I can't say if be broken up about it. But maybe encourage an emotional affair so that he realizes that if something happens to her he won't have it so bad with me afterwards. How should I approach this? Link to post Share on other sites
USEDOW Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Are you just desperate 4 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) I think you should go straight to therapy! You are seriously going to approach a man about his possibly dying spouse? You should just leave them alone. He hasn't reached out to you to even say she is sick. You are probably the furthest thing from his mind, as you should be. Do you really want to hurt her that badly? Edited September 30, 2015 by purplesorrow 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 I'm not desperate and I'm not trying to hurt anybody. I think it would just help him to have some support from somebody who loves him. All he has is her and her family and the kids. I think if she's really that sick, knowing that I'd be willing to step in and help him and care for all the kids would make her feel better too. I'm not some ghoul but if she's really that sick then there's a lot of extra stress on his plate and he has to shoulder a lot. There is a lot she's not doing. What is the harm in letting him know I'm here for him and willing to pick up the pieces? Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I'm not desperate and I'm not trying to hurt anybody. I think it would just help him to have some support from somebody who loves him. All he has is her and her family and the kids. I think if she's really that sick, knowing that I'd be willing to step in and help him and care for all the kids would make her feel better too. I'm not some ghoul but if she's really that sick then there's a lot of extra stress on his plate and he has to shoulder a lot. There is a lot she's not doing. What is the harm in letting him know I'm here for him and willing to pick up the pieces? This is ghoulish to me. If you are not friends with her, I doubt your offer will be received as kind and caring. Especially since it's because you love him. I'm sure her family will help with the kids if they asked. Sometimes when you're married, your load is heavier when you have to help carry your spouse. He would have reached out to you if he thought you were someone he could call on. He must not see you that way. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 mind your own business...leave them alone....get yourself into therapy and get a life. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 This is ghoulish to me. If you are not friends with her, I doubt your offer will be received as kind and caring. Especially since it's because you love him. I'm sure her family will help with the kids if they asked. Sometimes when you're married, your load is heavier when you have to help carry your spouse. He would have reached out to you if he thought you were someone he could call on. He must not see you that way. I want him to know he can see me that way. That's what I'm trying to say. I just want to know how to bring it up. I'm not friends with her and don't really want to be. I don't want to see him go through this alone and I'd like her to know I'll step in for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 He knows who you are...he was married to you. If he ever "needs" you he knows how to contact you. He has built a new life without you in it. He has a support system....he has his family and her family....and the last thing any of them want is the ex wife to be in it. Leave them alone. You want to do this for YOU not him. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I want him to know he can see me that way. That's what I'm trying to say. I just want to know how to bring it up. I'm not friends with her and don't really want to be. I don't want to see him go through this alone and I'd like her to know I'll step in for her. No, you are trying to make a move on her husband while she is possibly dying. Have a little more self respect and muster up some empathy. If she is dealing with a terrible illness, why add to her stress? Do you really think she needs thoughts of you taking care of her kids when you don't even like her? You do not care about her. You want him and sadly see her illness as your opportunity. This is just beyond wrong on your part. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Hardgrind Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Blue Dress, I am speaking as a BH who is now divorced and loving life. He left you for another woman. Don't pursue him. Even if you were successful he will view you as a doormat and you can bet everything you have that he will leave you again when "true love" comes along again. A very dear friend of mine gave me this advice. "Stop looking at your ex wife as the person you wanted her to be, and stop looking at your marriage as the relationship you wanted it to be. Learn to see her for who she really was and your marriage for what it really was." Once I was able to do that I became angry at myself for what I put up with and what I was willing to accept. Stop keeping track of them, and run away as fast as you can so that you can get on with your life! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I would take him back in a minute especially if she wasn't around. Should I approach him and say I know what's going on and I want to be there to support him and let him know that I'm willing to give us another shot if something happens to her? :eek: Snap out of it! Are you joking with us? Seriously, his wife may be dying and you're contemplating approaching him about getting back together if she dies???? Go ahead if you'd like, and see how much he despises you afterwards. Very sad... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I want him to know he can see me that way. That's what I'm trying to say. I just want to know how to bring it up. I'm not friends with her and don't really want to be. I don't want to see him go through this alone and I'd like her to know I'll step in for her. I'm lost for words. Fankly, in a nutshell what you're saying is: "You left me for her. Now she's dying. I know you must be going through a great deal of emotional turmoil and torment right now. Well here's the thing: I want to be the one thing to you she can't be any more. I'm here so you can shift your devotion from her to me again. Look, she's dying, and won't be any use to you, soon, will she? I on the other hand, can offer all the warm comforts of home you need. And when she's dead, come back to me, we can just pick up where we left off." Your motivation is twisted, insincere and self-serving. You're not doing this for him, you're doing this for you. You said so yourself. If you approached him in any way whatsoever, in his shoes I'd probably be tempted to spark you out. Leave well alone. he has his life now. You need to back off at a million miles an hour because what you are proposing to do is just horrifyingly indescribable. Talk about cold, calculating and tactless.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 It's for me but it's for him too. He does have her family and they're really involved, isn't the same as me. They aren't even his family and they can't give the same support I can. Who says they'll be around in the long run? At some point he'll have to move on and I don't see the harm in letting him know I'm here for him. I'm not actively trying for an affair exactly, but I don't think I would stop it if it happened, but I do want to lay the groundwork so that he knows I'm there for him and I'm willing to step in. I just don't know how to approach it. Probably through him, but I'm not sure what to even say or how to say it. Link to post Share on other sites
Hardgrind Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 BlueDress, I am sorry but it doesn't sound like you really want advice. It sounds like you have made up your mind and you are looking for others to tell you that your plan is a wonderful idea. It's not. I am very sorry but if you move ahead with what you planning a train wreck is going to happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 you are not his family...you are not his friend....you are nothing to him. you do not need to step in and save him. and I can already tell you are just like some others here...you just want what you want....and this will go on for pages as you continue to argue....your "story". Attention from strangers on a forum is better than none I guess. over and out. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 BlueDress, I am sorry but it doesn't sound like you really want advice. It sounds like you have made up your mind and you are looking for others to tell you that your plan is a wonderful idea. It's not. I am very sorry but if you move ahead with what you planning a train wreck is going to happen. I just don't think people understand what I'm trying to get at. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 No. No. No. No. Quit asking, putting forward your reasoning, arguing, explaining, elaborating. The answer, from everyone is No. You shouldn't. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I don't know how many more times we have to tell you before you get it through your head. Don't. Do. It. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. .....Got it yet....? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I just don't think people understand what I'm trying to get at. I think you underestimate us. all of us. we understand you very well. She's dying. You want back in and are trying to find a way of letting him know you do. The answer is still 'No' by the way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 So our past together means nothing? I'm supposed to just leave him alone and just let him deal with this by himself? No support, no shoulder, no nothing? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 So our past together means nothing? I'm supposed to just leave him alone and just let him deal with this by himself? No support, no shoulder, no nothing? YES...no nothing 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Yup. If he had wanted your support or to reach out to you, he would have done. "Hi *BlueDress*, guess what? My wife is dying. I could use your help here." LIke that's ever going to happen. You are the last thing on his mind. Keep. Away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 NO NO NO. Why would you lower yourself like that? Why settle for being a consolation prize? Why would you even want him to know he means that much to you? Sorry, but this just reeks of desperation. Try and live with the philosophy of only loving a man who loves and respects you. He didn't love you and he left and divorced, just stay away from them. Are you trying to say if you'd never met him, you would never find another man? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Dear sweet baby eight pound, six ounce baby Jesus. This has GOT to be a joke. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Yes, your past is just that, the past. You called him your husband in the first post. He is not your husband anymore. Stop trying to act like you guys were just on a break and are best friends, you're not. This just has ick all over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 So there's no way I can even bring this up to him? It all impacts me too. I should be able to say something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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