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My son knows about my infidelity


remorseful_tab

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remorseful_tab

This Monday after coming back from his father's my son has been very cross with me. Keeping shut in his room, not answering my questions, rudely disregarding what I asked him to do. Actually he has been like this since my H left but to a much lesser extent.

 

So today he was playing playing music very loudly in his room. I asked him to keep it down. He didnt. Then I again went back to his room and and switched off his computer. And I straightaway asked him what happened. He looked at me hard and then said he knew why dad left. He will never forgive me for it. I was horrified. I asked him who told him (the answer was obvious though). His dad told him. I didn't know what to say. I broke down in front of him. I just kept bawling "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" You know what he said to me then? Whatever the court decides, he will spend more time with his father. And I needed to get out of his room.

 

I am horrified, bewildered, scared. Even my son hates me now.

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There are people who will imply that your son no longer has to respect your role as his mother now that he knows.

 

Those people would be dead wrong.

 

I would be humble with him and apologetic regarding the affair.

 

But he is your son, and you are his mother, and rules are rules.

 

Period.

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He's disappointed, and probably shocked. He must have never thought his mother would do such a thing.

 

Apologize to him, but give him space and time. He'll come around.

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I don't agree with his dad's decision to tell him about the infidelity, but what's done is done and there's no undoing the fact that your son now knows.

 

In my experience the initial anger and hurt that your son is feeling will fade over time. As mentionedd by autumnnight, you still need to fill the role of his mother and can't allow him to walk all over you and disrespect you. Concentrate on being a good mother to him and showing him that you love him, and over time he'll move on. His dad may be actively trying to turn your son against you, but if you demonstrate that you are the mature one that loves him and is trying to do what's right going forward, your son will eventually be turned off by his dad's behavior.

 

Keep in mind that your son will be trying to use your prior bad acts as a sort of justification for not having to respect your authority. He will actively rebel against you and try to use your guilt and the custody issue as a weapon. Don't respond to his rebellion with apologies. You have one meaningful talk with him where you apologize and express remorse for your previous behavior, but then you move on.

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RT: I'm so sorry to read your struggles.

I said it it before in your initial thread, you H never really healed, he somehow kept all his emotions for 8 years and pretended he he forgave but you guys never really reconcile. all the remorse and effort that you had invested during the 8 years was a waste. for him your A feels like it just happened , and feels that "justice was not served. he is a mad man who wants you to suffer what he's been holding for 8 years now.

talk to him about it and demand he talks to you son, explain to him that he is intoxicating his son by making him hate you.

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RT: I'm so sorry to read your struggles.

I said it it before in your initial thread, you H never really healed, he somehow kept all his emotions for 8 years and pretended he he forgave but you guys never really reconcile. all the remorse and effort that you had invested during the 8 years was a waste. for him your A feels like it just happened , and feels that "justice was not served. he is a mad man who wants you to suffer what he's been holding for 8 years now.

talk to him about it and demand he talks to you son, explain to him that he is intoxicating his son by making him hate you.

 

 

Yes, talk to him, and give it some time. Then if after a few months it is continuing, look into parental alienation.

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RT: I'm so sorry to read your struggles.

I said it it before in your initial thread, you H never really healed, he somehow kept all his emotions for 8 years and pretended he he forgave but you guys never really reconcile. all the remorse and effort that you had invested during the 8 years was a waste. for him your A feels like it just happened , and feels that "justice was not served. he is a mad man who wants you to suffer what he's been holding for 8 years now.

talk to him about it and demand he talks to you son, explain to him that he is intoxicating his son by making him hate you.

 

We don't know if her STBX is trying to make her son hate her. It could have been that her son asked why they are getting a divorce and her ex explained that she cheated. There is a possibility that he did not bad mouth her at all in the conversation, he simply told his son the truth.

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We don't know if her STBX is trying to make her son hate her. It could have been that her son asked why they are getting a divorce and her ex explained that she cheated. There is a possibility that he did not bad mouth her at all in the conversation, he simply told his son the truth.

sorry I didn't mean that he intentionally did it that's way I asked her to talk to him about it. I think he is still holding grudge otherwise he wouldn't have mentioned it to his son.

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RT:

 

talk to him about it and demand he talks to you son, explain to him that he is intoxicating his son by making him hate you.

 

Making demands would not go down so well right now

 

We don't know how the conversation came about either. RTs son may have been angry with his dad and saying how sad mum has been since he left and blaming dad for mum's distressed state. Then dad may have decided to tell him the truth rather than look like it was his fault.

 

I've seen this before where the kids blamed the mum for kicking dad out and rather than dad try and clear things up and say he'd hurt mum or something to stop them blaming her, he kept mute. She told him to tell them it wasn't her fault but he didn't. Then she told them herself.

 

RT - I'm not sure if you or H explained why you were suddenly living apart. If not then he would have been curious and wondering why his seemingly happy parents were no longer together.

 

He's only 10. Give him time to get to grips with it. I suspect he's in shock really.

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There is a possibility that he did not bad mouth her at all in the conversation, he simply told his son the truth.

 

the OP's xH is [] emotionally immature []

 

if you want to talk to your kid about the affair or about the divorce - both of you should sit down with the kid and COMMUNICATE... that's how GROWN folks do it. the point is to protect the child's relationship with BOTH parents - everything else is straight up childish & parental alienation.

 

OP - call your H & tell him that you'll sue if this repeats even once again. if he wants to discuss the A - you can sit down with both him and your son and let it all out... you have been punished for something you did almost a decade ago for far too long - put an end to it.

 

stay calm, talk & talk some more with your son. communication is the key and do not give up - do not hesitate to seek some counseling and professional help. be aware of your STBXH's actions against you - this was most definitely done on purpose & without much thought about the child's well being. you talk to your son about the affair & the reasons for it, explain to him that it takes two to tango and that daddy needs to accept his own part in the failed marriage. explain to him that you did everything you could to save your marriage and earn forgiveness and reconcile but his dad didn't.

 

you have every right to protect your relationship with your kid - gloves off. you keep your head up & be strong.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Uggghhhh...I'm sorry. I hate it when people put children in the middle of adult problems. Yes, you caused it, but children are not mature enough to handle these types of things emotionally. Your ex should have talked to you before he decided to spill the beans. Like Autumn pointed out, you are his mother. He doesn't have to like you or the choices you have made, but he certainly has to respect you.

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I'm not a parent but I don't know of anyone who can just emotionally shut down a loved one's influence permanently. I suspect he'll come back around once he digests the reality and gets the effects out of his system. :)

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This Monday after coming back from his father's my son has been very cross with me. Keeping shut in his room, not answering my questions, rudely disregarding what I asked him to do. Actually he has been like this since my H left but to a much lesser extent.

 

So today he was playing playing music very loudly in his room. I asked him to keep it down. He didnt. Then I again went back to his room and and switched off his computer. And I straightaway asked him what happened. He looked at me hard and then said he knew why dad left. He will never forgive me for it. I was horrified. I asked him who told him (the answer was obvious though). His dad told him. I didn't know what to say. I broke down in front of him. I just kept bawling "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" You know what he said to me then? Whatever the court decides, he will spend more time with his father. And I needed to get out of his room.

 

I am horrified, bewildered, scared. Even my son hates me now.

 

Remorseful,

 

Your SBEX, was dead wrong to tell your son. Your son, is not of an age to hear this now, and in any case, why? Why cause issues.

 

I know you hope to somehow reconcile with you Husband, but in the short term, you need to go to him and have him explain why he has done this. You also need to stand on your rights, and tell your lawyer that your SBEX is interfering with your relationship with your son. I think you will find the courts will not be forgiving for this slip by your husband.

 

I also counsel you to take strong action to protect yourself. This will get much worst if you let him walk all over you. Also, if you can pull off being strong, but not be cruel, in all this, he may see a side of you he likes. Your son when he is older will also see who went out of their way to break up. Just saying, standing up for yourself, maybe the best way to have any hope with him.

 

In the mean time, you need to insist that he does nothing to cause issues between you and your son, and if he does, take legal action. Do not be a doormat, you need to not lose your son because of this. If you do nothing, this will happen. Do not get rapped around the flag poll, on the idea this is what you deserve. You don't, this is now, this is your son, this is unacceptable. You need to make clear to him that you both can have a good co-parenting relationship, or he can make it bad. The courts will not look at him with favor. Also, you can start contesting the divorce, and bring up his behavior.

 

I wish you luck and urge action. Please go to your lawyer and ACT today. For your son's sake, do this.

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On what grounds can you sue someone for telling the truth?

The fact that the truth has caused her son to get angry, is not parental alienation.

 

Any attempts to take legal action will cause her son to really get angry. .....RT , don't go there. Remember your H has that email.

 

All you can do is apologise to your son again and again, and NEVER try and blame his dad for the affair. Tell him how you tried to make amends and how you love his dad and will regret what you did till the day you die. That you would really like him to be able to forgive you, even though you know he's upset right now.

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OP - how and did you talk to your kid about the separation & divorce at all? did both of you sit down with the child and tell him that you're going your separate ways? how did he react and did he have any questions?

 

contact a good lawyer and be ready to take legal action against your husband because i think this won't be the end of it -- remember this very well... your STBXH is NOT your partner, friend or an ally anymore & he does NOT have your best interests at heart. keep that in mind, always.

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remorseful_tab

Just now had a talk with H.

 

He admitted he told it to him. My son was asking him some very hard questions last Saturday. Like what was it that it made him desperate to leave? Couldn't we solved our problems and stayed together? He saw his friends's parents in school getting divorced. He never thought this would happen in our family.And then finally asked was he cheating on me?

 

Then my H revealed the truth. He told him he tried hard but couldn't anymore. After hearing he went completely silent. So my H dropped the topic.

 

I got angry. I asked him why he didn't tell me a major thing like this happened? He said Sunday our son seemed fine. They went kayaking and he seemed alright. So he thought he was fine. I was still angry and told him such things needed to be discussed. They couldn't be held back from each other. And then I told him I would be taking him to a counselor. My H now turned on me and said that he was sorry he didn't tell me but I am asking to be such things discussed while I am taking the decision to take him to a counselor alone. I snapped. I asked him he wouldn't bothered with a counselor but I had a right to put my son into one if I feel he has some issues. My H said its ok if I want our son to go to a counselor but he should also be included in the selection of one. He said that if son were to go to a counselor, it will be better if we pay a visit to a counselor together to assess him if he/she was a proper one to discuss such issues with a boy. I said ok. My H said he will make a list of counselors who deals with children going through divorces and share the list with me. Then we can visit every one on the and then decide which one to select.

 

And since son is again going to H's tomorrow, he will talk to him about this.

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you need to go to him and have him explain why he has done this.

 

While I agree with the rest of your post, I think this would be a mistake.

 

The OP's H knows exactly what he's done and has his own motivation for having done so. I doubt those reasons are open to discussion or negotiation.

 

Divorce and the resulting transitions are tough on kids and this is just another aspect. Handle this like any other problem this difficult process brings - with patience, communication, honesty and love. Your son will come around...

 

Mr. Lucky

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It's WUOTE=sandylee1;6529088]On what grounds can you sue someone for telling the truth?

The fact that the truth has caused her son to get angry, is not parental alienation.

 

Any attempts to get legal action will cause her son to really get angry. .....RT , don't go there. Remember your H has that email.

 

All you can do is apologise to your son again and again, and NEVER try and blame his dad for the affair. Tell him how you tried to make amends and how you love his dad and will regret what you did till the day you die. That you would really like him to be able to forgive you, even though you know he's upset right now.

 

I'm willing to bet it's a ploy for the ex to get custody by trying to get his son against his mother. If he wanted the son to know the truth, he would have acted like a grown up and told the OP first. Her affair was years ago. If her ex wasn't trying to hurt her then why did he decide to tell their son now and not years ago. I don't buy it. IMHO, it is alienation of affection and he had no damn right to put his child in the middle. OP you are better off without your ex. Stop focusing your energy on tryinv to get him back. He's out for blood! Protect yourself!!!

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On what grounds can you sue someone for telling the truth? The fact that the truth has caused her son to get angry, is not parental alienation.

 

using the truth to damage your kid's relationship with their parent is a definition of parental alienation - the courts don't care about the truth, they care about the part where the truth you're telling is hurting your kid.

 

she should apologize but she should be real about it - keeping his dad blameless and putting the entire blame on herself isn't it. why not tell the WHOLE truth...? clearly there was a reason she cheated and clearly she was getting something from the AP that she wasn't getting from the STBXH (his fault or not).

 

OP - tell him the entire truth. WHY you cheated, how wrong it was, that it had happened with a reason and that BOTH of you and your STBXH are to blame for the marriage ending. do not let him make a saint out of your STBXH while demonizing the hell out of you at the same time. contact your lawyer as fast as you can, i assume your soon to be ex has a plan of his own.

 

from my experience - just apologizing won't be enough, especially if your soon to be ex keeps this up.

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RT has explained and it was as I said in my first post. The son was asking questions......which is not unusual. He was directly asked if he cheated on mum.....I guess he could have lied about why they split.....but sometimes people decide enough lies have been told.

 

I agree that he should have told RT that their son knew and how it came about, rather than her be blindsided.

 

It's tough on the kids and it's very sad that it's come to this.........infidelity has far reaching consequences.

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I'm sorry, but I think your husband did what had to be done. His son was asking hard questions and it appears that he was THINKING that his dad had cheated on his mom. I think his son has a right to know and his dad had a right to defend his own position.

 

You cheated. Own it.

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remorseful_tab
using the truth to damage your kid's relationship with their parent is a definition of parental alienation - the courts don't care about the truth, they care about the part where the truth you're telling is hurting your kid.

 

she should apologize but she should be real about it - keeping his dad blameless and putting the entire blame on herself isn't it. why not tell the WHOLE truth...? clearly there was a reason she cheated and clearly she was getting something from the AP that she wasn't getting from the STBXH (his fault or not).

 

OP - tell him the entire truth. WHY you cheated, how wrong it was, that it had happened with a reason and that BOTH of you and your STBXH are to blame for the marriage ending. do not let him make a saint out of your STBXH while demonizing the hell out of you at the same time. contact your lawyer as fast as you can, i assume your soon to be ex has a plan of his own.

 

from my experience - just apologizing won't be enough, especially if your soon to be ex keeps this up.

 

My affair happened for no reason other than my selfish nature. My affair has destroyed my life and most importantly, my H's and my son's life. I am disgusted that you think I got something from that turd (my AP) that my H wasn't or weren't capable to give. Its just that I never asked my H or gave him any change.

 

I am certainly not going to tell my son the reasons you stated why I had the affair and what I got out of it and how because it was my H's inability to give me something.

 

Thank you

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This is a tough issue, but in the end, I think that kids need to be told the reason for divorce, even if it is infidelity. The age at which this is done, well that depends on the parent.

 

Here is the thing, if one parent leaves the home, kids inevitably feel abandoned. They can't help but blame themselves. All of the "mom and dad really love you" makes the parents feel great, but in the end, for a child the result is (1) a parent left them behind or (2) a parent did not come with them when the other one took them. That brings about abandonment feelings, feelings of inadequacy, and other bad feelings. A new phrase I have heard is "I'm feeling some kind of way", which just means it is an unpleasant feeling that cannot be pinpointed.

 

As someone once said, actions have consequences. Sure, we can blame the BS for being vindictive, but in the end, the WS destroyed the family. They get the blame. Kids who grew up with an alcoholic or drug addicted parent knew who was the problem. Kids who grew up with an abusive parent knew who caused the problems. No one said, "we love you very much and its not your fault" to them. They knew why the marriage ended and who was to blame. Well, being a cheater is the same.

 

Either way, the kids are going to need counseling because their home has been destroyed. May as well give them the truth. As the line from the 1970's t.v. show Baretta went, "don't do the crime if you can't do the time".

 

Its hard for everyone. The family did not deserve it, but its the truth of why the family is ending.

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RT: you should consider all possibilities, while I still believe that it wasn't intentional by your H to involve your son it would be insane to not be vigilant and consider a possibility that he is trying to hurt you more or working to get full custody, the fact that you son mentioned that he would rather stay with him is worrying, you have already done the first right step getting counseling for your son, just stay vigilant, keep communicating with your H to see what he is up to.

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