Reconcile + Sticking or Trying & failing?

[NewLeaf512]

Hi

 

 

I wander over here from the OW/OM sub forum once in a while just to read out how people cope and learn about their situation(s)

 

 

One thing that comes up quite a bit that I have noticed on both the sub forums is forgiveness. . I think obviously it is the BS who (if they choose to) have the heaviest of forgiveness burdens, but (hopefully!!) the WS and OM/OW recognise what they have done, and in most cases it isn't a reality/possible/a good idea for the AP to seek or get forgiveness for BS, often for the AP some self forgiveness has to happen assuming they are really remorseful.

 

 

There are some amazing BW who come into the OW/OM forum with insights and advice which is really useful. One BW forgave her husband and had been in a great marriage with her H I believe 15 post DDAy.

 

 

For those of you who do go on to R (while you never forget obviously) Have you found it to be a new beginning? Did you initially go into it thinking you could R but the betrayal became too much and you ended up splitting anyway? Or are you like many of the BS who come over to our part, with work and probably some MC, able to move past it? Do you use the A against the WS ever? does the whole power balance shift forever?

 

 

Just so you don't have to read my boring story. I am an extremely regretful and remorseful exOW who had a PA for circa 6 months with a man who lives in another country who said he was separated. When I found out that was not true and he was still M I immediately broke off the PA and have never seen him in person again circa 2 years. However, we worked at the same place, I have now resigned, and I didn't really get what an EA was, We continued to talk, and I convinced him to go to IC where he decided after about 6 months of weekly sessions to get a D and even got the paperwork ready, attorney, etc. He told her on 2 July of this year he wanted a D, and then I have never heard from him since.

 

 

ExMM and BS celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary soon. Whilst I know he told her something, who knows what, After having some time to reflect, they have a huge history together, grown children etc., and it seem right as they were HS sweethearts. with whatever she knows, could they love again, or (he was somewhat henpecked before) have this A for more stick less carrot. I hope they get MC, I think id will help..

 

 

any experiences to share? thanks for reading

[Red123]

I am in R currently. We are almost 2 years from Dday. My H and I have been together for almost 20 years, we met at the tale end of HS. He had a 3-4 month A, PA was minimal but mostly chatting on IM at work. We separated shortly before I first found out but were still living in the same house( we were working on plans for that to change). Unlike a lot of other BS on this forum, I was not a great wife when he had his A. We were on a slippery slope that started 6months to a year prior to him having the A. We had gotten to the point of no longer appreciating each other, being there for each other or respecting each other. He ended the A before I found out but continued to talk to her(still an EA) for about a month(I count this as part of the 3-4 months). She was married too but had cheated prior, this was his first and hopefully only A. We had a month of TT then he came fully clean while we were talking one night, although we were technically separated, I still wanted all of the information and we had started what some call hysterical bonding so we were really not seperate enough. I decided to R with him when he began changing, was truly remorseful and started really putting effort back into us. I had to change too, and I am really glad I did I like me more now for sure. After that night he came clean he sent the MOW a NC letter(email) that he wrote himself and she attempted contact a few times after that but otherwise they haven't spoken in almost 2 years. It has been really rough but it is getting better all the time. Trust is coming back slowly but I don't believe he is or will do this again. I think anyone is capable of this, some are more vulnerable to it than others but any of us could. I work in a female dominated work environment so it was harder for me to meet someone, but we were so bad a couple that I truly can't say I wouldn't have if the opportunity had presented itself.

[NewLeaf512]

I am in R currently. We are almost 2 years from Dday. My H and I have been together for almost 20 years, we met at the tale end of HS. He had a 3-4 month A, PA was minimal but mostly chatting on IM at work. We separated shortly before I first found out but were still living in the same house( we were working on plans for that to change). Unlike a lot of other BS on this forum, I was not a great wife when he had his A. We were on a slippery slope that started 6months to a year prior to him having the A. We had gotten to the point of no longer appreciating each other, being there for each other or respecting each other. He ended the A before I found out but continued to talk to her(still an EA) for about a month(I count this as part of the 3-4 months). She was married too but had cheated prior, this was his first and hopefully only A. We had a month of TT then he came fully clean while we were talking one night, although we were technically separated, I still wanted all of the information and we had started what some call hysterical bonding so we were really not seperate enough. I decided to R with him when he began changing, was truly remorseful and started really putting effort back into us. I had to change too, and I am really glad I did I like me more now for sure. After that night he came clean he sent the MOW a NC letter(email) that he wrote himself and she attempted contact a few times after that but otherwise they haven't spoken in almost 2 years. It has been really rough but it is getting better all the time. Trust is coming back slowly but I don't believe he is or will do this again. I think anyone is capable of this, some are more vulnerable to it than others but any of us could. I work in a female dominated work environment so it was harder for me to meet someone, but we were so bad a couple that I truly can't say I wouldn't have if the opportunity had presented itself.

 

Thank you for your honesty. It's a real testament to total truthfulness that you not only dealt with the A bit also with the marriage holistically that makes me know that you can go the distance.

 

I've tried to put myself in the shoes of a BW after fully understanding all that I did and I don't know if I would be a gracious as you are.

[purplesorrow]

I have forgiven my ex for his affair. I attempted to reconcile for a very short period of time but it just wasn't for me. He did everything possible to reconcile but my heart wasn't in it. I just couldn't be all in. Mostly because we did have a good relationship prior to the affair and that's the relationship I wanted. It's hard to hear someone say there's nothing you could have done differently or better to prevent their cheating because it was due to their personal issues. He's back to being the great guy I married but I am now changed forever. We are no longer a match. I couldn't stay because I knew I wouldn't be able to love him as he should be, everyone deserves that.

[waterwoman]

Hi newleaf,

 

Not sure whether we count as a successful long-term reconciled couple yet - only been 3 years and 2 months. I don't think we are totally recovered as yet - if recovered means 'back to normal'. Our relationship is more tender - as in sensitive - we are more aware of each other. We tend to each other more - H finds this difficult and retreats from time to time. As the years go by and I have had to deal with an autistic child, I have become aware that H is also on the spectrum - this baring of the soul is hard for him. I struggle with that in the aftermath of what happened - but that is just another aspect of caring for each other.

 

Regarding forgiveness - I am not sure about that because I am not sure what I mean by it. I love him, more importantly I like him, and I know the way he works so I can see how his actions disrupted the way he saw himself. When you feel that way about someone it's hard not to 'forgive'. I am not good at being angry with people - especially those I love. If forgive means 'forget' then I haven't managed it yet. I would like to because I still get the occasional waves of anger and pain - but I suppose I will never entirely forget in the same way I won't forget having double pneumonia as a child ,or the loss of my grandmother - but those things don't carry a freight of guilt for H.

 

As red said about her situation, our marriage wasn't great. Neither of us was happy. But as we had been very very happy for many years together it seemed worth trying to get that back and the affair was the catalyst to do so. The problem with affairs in 'bad' marriages is that they are a totally inequitable way of dealing with the problem - when a spouse has an affair it is assumed by those who like to speculate on such matters that it must be the fault of the BS for failing in some way. If she/he had been a good spouse the affair wouldn't have happened. Hell, the BS thinks that in their lowest moments. It is the biggest FU that the WS can give. But in reality whatever problems are present are almost always the fault of both parties not one but it is only the one who gets the 'punishment' And it stings!

 

In MC afterwards we were able to look at the marriage from each other's POV and begin to unravel the knots over our long history. We were so young when we got together - we didn't know how to be 'married' we only knew how to love each other and be together. We hadn't read the manuals, we didn't know the rules. But here we are - 32 years (22 married) down the line and still here, still holding hands in the dark.

 

Sorry for the essay.

[Red123]

Thank you for your honesty. It's a real testament to total truthfulness that you not only dealt with the A bit also with the marriage holistically that makes me know that you can go the distance.

 

I've tried to put myself in the shoes of a BW after fully understanding all that I did and I don't know if I would be a gracious as you are.

 

Thanks. I'm healing so believe me I have not been gracious the whole time?. Although I do not bother the MOW there is no part of me that feels for her. She was M and knew he was too, they decided to do this knowing the rest of us would hurt. I don't believe they knew the extent, but we all know when we betray others get hurt. As long as she stays away, and she has been told by my H very bluntly to do so, I let her go. This hasn't been easy but it's the only way.

[NewLeaf512]

Hi newleaf,

 

Not sure whether we count as a successful long-term reconciled couple yet - only been 3 years and 2 months. I don't think we are totally recovered as yet - if recovered means 'back to normal'. Our relationship is more tender - as in sensitive - we are more aware of each other. We tend to each other more - H finds this difficult and retreats from time to time. As the years go by and I have had to deal with an autistic child, I have become aware that H is also on the spectrum - this baring of the soul is hard for him. I struggle with that in the aftermath of what happened - but that is just another aspect of caring for each other.

 

Regarding forgiveness - I am not sure about that because I am not sure what I mean by it. I love him, more importantly I like him, and I know the way he works so I can see how his actions disrupted the way he saw himself. When you feel that way about someone it's hard not to 'forgive'. I am not good at being angry with people - especially those I love. If forgive means 'forget' then I haven't managed it yet. I would like to because I still get the occasional waves of anger and pain - but I suppose I will never entirely forget in the same way I won't forget having double pneumonia as a child ,or the loss of my grandmother - but those things don't carry a freight of guilt for H.

 

As red said about her situation, our marriage wasn't great. Neither of us was happy. But as we had been very very happy for many years together it seemed worth trying to get that back and the affair was the catalyst to do so. The problem with affairs in 'bad' marriages is that they are a totally inequitable way of dealing with the problem - when a spouse has an affair it is assumed by those who like to speculate on such matters that it must be the fault of the BS for failing in some way. If she/he had been a good spouse the affair wouldn't have happened. Hell, the BS thinks that in their lowest moments. It is the biggest FU that the WS can give. But in reality whatever problems are present are almost always the fault of both parties not one but it is only the one who gets the 'punishment' And it stings!

 

In MC afterwards we were able to look at the marriage from each other's POV and begin to unravel the knots over our long history. We were so young when we got together - we didn't know how to be 'married' we only knew how to love each other and be together. We hadn't read the manuals, we didn't know the rules. But here we are - 32 years (22 married) down the line and still here, still holding hands in the dark.

 

Sorry for the essay.

 

I vote that's successful!

[NewLeaf512]

Thanks. I'm healing so believe me I have not been gracious the whole time?. Although I do not bother the MOW there is no part of me that feels for her. She was M and knew he was too, they decided to do this knowing the rest of us would hurt. I don't believe they knew the extent, but we all know when we betray others get hurt. As long as she stays away, and she has been told by my H very bluntly to do so, I let her go. This hasn't been easy but it's the only way.

 

I think you have done the right thing for YOU and YOUR family and that's what matters.

 

This comment is not meant to apply to your situation, just more of a general comment. As an exOW I know that some of the things I know about BS are true because I observed it. Anything that exMM told me is highly suspect as he is a proven liar and quite frankly nothing that occurred in their marriage is my business. I do also believe based on my experience that WS seldom, even if they say that they do, tell the full extent of the A to the BS. It's because of this that I surmise ( only a guess) that if the R is going to work the WS tells as much as they can remember and if the BS wants, the R begins. If its successful is down to both BS and WS.

 

I wonder if years of A duration or intensity vs years of M have any significant impact on the outcome.

[Red123]

I think you have done the right thing for YOU and YOUR family and that's what matters.

 

This comment is not meant to apply to your situation, just more of a general comment. As an exOW I know that some of the things I know about BS are true because I observed it. Anything that exMM told me is highly suspect as he is a proven liar and quite frankly nothing that occurred in their marriage is my business. I do also believe based on my experience that WS seldom, even if they say that they do, tell the full extent of the A to the BS. It's because of this that I surmise ( only a guess) that if the R is going to work the WS tells as much as they can remember and if the BS wants, the R begins. If its successful is down to both BS and WS.

 

I wonder if years of A duration or intensity vs years of M have any significant impact on the outcome.

 

Well I can't speak for everyone but I didn't blindly trust every word he said about the A or the MOW. I certainly did some digging to verify. I actually lucked out with emails between the two that he thought he had deleted and were on our tablet. They verified a lot of what he said and he showed me every time she tried contact, so for me I was willing to take the chance. We have no reason to be together other than we want to. He could have pursued her when we seperated and made our seperation final. We make the same money, we have older kids and I have tons of support to fall back on. So in our case it's that we want this again.

[NewLeaf512]

Well I can't speak for everyone but I didn't blindly trust every word he said about the A or the MOW. I certainly did some digging to verify. I actually lucked out with emails between the two that he thought he had deleted and were on our tablet. They verified a lot of what he said and he showed me every time she tried contact, so for me I was willing to take the chance. We have no reason to be together other than we want to. He could have pursued her when we seperated and made our seperation final. We make the same money, we have older kids and I have tons of support to fall back on. So in our case it's that we want this again.

 

Red I think that even though the whole post is great, I bolded what I think is the most important part.

 

For any other reason and I think it can't work in the long term.