I don't know how to end my affair or end my marriage?

[humor.me]

I truly hope I can find some sound advice and tough love if need be on here. This is my first time and I have NO ONE to speak to about the emotions I have been enduring. I know there may be similar threads to this but it seems like most have children in the situation and I know that can make a difference.

 

I have been married with my H for 2 years now but we have been together for a total of 8 years. No children. But we are young and met at a really young age of 18. We had a great relationship. But the last 2 years since we married...something switched in him (attitude and mood change DRASTICALLY), I have been so unhappy. He's distant and is miserable to be around. We've had this discussion OVER AND OVER. Long story short---I have been unhappy for awhile.

 

I met my AP while walking my dogs. We've seen each other in the same park several times and always made eye contact but never did anything about it. One day, our dogs decide to play and get our leashes tangled (just like the movies lol) and sure enough.... here I am. He is married with 2 young children.

 

Since that day we decided to exchange information, we text each other EVERY DAY, ALL DAY. He will literally text me first thing in the morning and never has he gone a night NOT texting me "good night". We see each other AT LEAST 4 times a week, sometimes, twice a day. We both have admitted to having VERY strong feelings and the connection we have...AMAZING. We connect on all levels. He's in the process of planning his divorce (this was before I was even in the picture).

 

I have been an emotional wreck because I have tried twice to end my affair. Each time, obviously he tries to fight it but in the end, he always respects my decision and let's me be. BUT I just relapse and end up texting him. This second time around (recent)...it felt worse. I actually cried (I rarely cry). I'd go on my walks and wish I'd see him but I know he's avoiding the usual route in respect of me.

 

My H and I are giving it one last shot (3 months of couples therapy and if we don't progess, we're divorcing). I really want to give my marriage another chance because I know there's a great guy in my H, but it's so hard to focus on my marriage when I miss my AP so much.

 

Please, I need any advice! Please keep in mind I don't have children. All we have are financials together. IDK if that will make a difference in given advices.

[Diezel]

Tell your husband you've cheated on him. He'll probably end it for you.

[qubist]

You are lying to your self . how could you go to MC with your H and still having an A.

you should probably end the 2 of them A and M, first of all you A with a MM is wrong even if you were single. if you don't believe me just read the 10000s of stories in this forum or other sites MM will tell you all what you want to hear and can become an "academy award" caliber actor just to make you believe him, he is just using you. you should stop you A and end it with him as long as he is married, do not believe the divorce story and problems with his W we have seen it many times. End A start a complete NC with him this regardless whether you staying with your H or not.

you said you want to try to R with H, if you really do you should hold on to it till your A is over otherwise you are just waiting effort,money and time.

[NewLeaf512]

I think the responses to OP are one of the reasons I am getting read to leave LS.

 

 

OP I know you wouldn't be here if you were a brazen callous individual who didn't have a conscience. I can see your pain in your words, and although my A is over and I am an exOW now, (and I was single) Maybe your M is over and maybe it isn't. You don't mention how long you have been NC w/ MM, but you haven't been married very long. It is going to take a bit to move on, but you owe it to yourself and your H to focus on him and give the M a real try.

[jen1447]

OP, is it out of the question that both your hubs and his wife would agree to open marriages?

[humor.me]

I know having an affair is wrong and in no way I am trying to justify it.

 

I thought LS was a place for people to go to seek advice when else where is not really an option. I was really hoping to find advice from those who have gone through it or going through it.

 

But I have already ended the affair...I'm having a really tough time with it. But I'm also having a tough time with my husband.

 

I guess I'm seeking advice too because I am young. I have no children. I just feel like my marriage has sucked the life out of me. IDK if it's because we met when we were so young and have been in a monogamy relationship for so long and we're just growing apart. But my AP would always bring out the happy bubbly me and really motivated me to do better in everything. Got my promotion, fitness goals, pushing me to do things I been wanting to... In a sense, he was able to bring out the best in me and I haven't felt that way in a long time because my marriage has been in such a negative state of mind.

[qubist]

I know having an affair is wrong and in no way I am trying to justify it.

 

I thought LS was a place for people to go to seek advice when else where is not really an option. I was really hoping to find advice from those who have gone through it or going through it.

 

But I have already ended the affair...I'm having a really tough time with it. But I'm also having a tough time with my husband.

 

I guess I'm seeking advice too because I am young. I have no children. I just feel like my marriage has sucked the life out of me. IDK if it's because we met when we were so young and have been in a monogamy relationship for so long and we're just growing apart. But my AP would always bring out the happy bubbly me and really motivated me to do better in everything. Got my promotion, fitness goals, pushing me to do things I been wanting to... In a sense, he was able to bring out the best in me and I haven't felt that way in a long time because my marriage has been in such a negative state of mind.

You said you ended the A but you also said in your initial post that you texted your AP recently and walked the dog just to see him but he avoided you. so it is obvious to you're confused about what ending an A means. correct me if I'm wrong

[NewLeaf512]

OP, is it out of the question that both your hubs and his wife would agree to open marriages?

 

 

Jen, I know you are sex positive and I think that's great. Im not sure if you have ever tried an open marriage, but I wouldn't advise it for pretty much anyone, but certainly not here

[humor.me]

New Leaf:

 

Who is OP? Sorry I noticed you and Jen are responding to OP but I do not see a response from OP on here lol.

 

I really appreciate your response as all sound response is helpful.

 

My affair wasn't or hasn't been long at all. 4 months. BUT we saw each other almost every day. 4 times a week at the least and when that happened, it was weird for us to not see each other every day. Hell, it was weird for us if we had 3 hours in between our text messages to each other. When I say we're texting each other throughout the day, we LITERALLY are. We've had days where we spent it together from morning to night at least once a week. We did couples activities. It wasn't the usual "meet up for sex" affair. Actually we hardly even had sex with the amount of time we got together but we were always in public places. For instance, we went indoor rock climbing, took salsa dance lessons for the hell of it... etc. We did A LOT of couple's activities. And I think that's why I am so torn. We acted like a couple and did "couple's activities". TBH, the amount of time we had sex is a TINY portion compared to the amount we spent together.

[jbrent890]

I know having an affair is wrong and in no way I am trying to justify it.

 

I thought LS was a place for people to go to seek advice when else where is not really an option. I was really hoping to find advice from those who have gone through it or going through it.

 

But I have already ended the affair...I'm having a really tough time with it. But I'm also having a tough time with my husband.

 

I guess I'm seeking advice too because I am young. I have no children. I just feel like my marriage has sucked the life out of me. IDK if it's because we met when we were so young and have been in a monogamy relationship for so long and we're just growing apart. But my AP would always bring out the happy bubbly me and really motivated me to do better in everything. Got my promotion, fitness goals, pushing me to do things I been wanting to... In a sense, he was able to bring out the best in me and I haven't felt that way in a long time because my marriage has been in such a negative state of mind.

 

OP, I'm going to try to present my advice in the most respectful way possible. As it stands, I think MC at this stage of the game would be a waste. The reason being is that you still have your AP on your mind. At this time, you are not going to be able to give 100% to your marriage. What I would recommend is getting into IC and figuring out ways to cope with the affair being over, figuring out why you had the affair, and develop boundaries so that it doesn't happen again. All relationships run into their fair share of issues. You can't respond to those problems by running off and having an affair. As you probably have learned, it is a very unhealthy way to cope. Now the other posters might have been harsh when they said it, but there is some truth to this and that is that I don't see any point of you bringing your husband to MC if you aren't willing to be honest about your affair. This isn't meant to be a 2x4, but a lot of wayward wives do this and I find it to be a very cruel thing to do. Essentially the husband gets blamed for problems in the marriage when the wayward wife gets off scott free when she herself has done her fair share of damage. And to be honest, I have found that this method has blown up in a lot of WWs faces. Whether it be the husband finding out about the affair later on or the WW being emotionally closed off by the guilt, going down that road is not one I would recommend. Listen, I know that this is scary and difficult, but there is no other way around this except going through it.

 

Another option that you could take if you are worried about hurting your husband is keeping the affair to yourself and divorcing your husband. Your marriage is not working for you and you wouldn't be the first person to do this. There is another poster here (hopefully she reads this thread) who has a lot of similarities to you. Like you, she got married young, the marriage ran into issues, and she had an affair. She decided to separate and divorce her husband and keep her affair to herself. Both her and her ex have moved on to new partners and are happier. I'm assuming you are only 26. You are young and have plenty of time to find someone else if you feel that this is the route you want to go. Again, I tried to present this in the most respectful way. But like I said, I see no point in MC at this stage, especially if you aren't willing to be honest with your husband. I really do hope this helps.

[jen1447]

Who is OP? Sorry I noticed you and Jen are responding to OP but I do not see a response from OP on here lol.

 

OP is "original poster" - you.

 

Jen, I know you are sex positive and I think that's great. Im not sure if you have ever tried an open marriage, but I wouldn't advise it for pretty much anyone, but certainly not here

 

Not marriage, but multiple successful open relationships, yes. I'm not automatically advocating that for OP tho, just exploring options. She seems to have legit feelings for two ppl at once, which doesn't necessarily mean, but may, that she's polyamorous. Open relationships are a legit solution for poly ppl, or more specifically authorized second partners.

[humor.me]

qubist:

 

I apologize for the confusion. I have ended it OFFICIALLY. Did my whole good bye message after the initial "I need to end this" message.

 

Although I ended it, I miss him and when I went walking this morning...I naturally was hoping to see him because I miss him. Does that make sense? But not a pre-discussed meet.

[jbrent890]

Here are some abbreviations:

 

OP: Original Poster

AP: Affair Partner

MC: Marriage Counseling

IC: Individual Counseling

WW: Wayward Wife

BH: Betrayed Husband

 

Let me know if you need more. There are a ton out there lol.

[kgcolonel]

HM

 

Try to take a step back and as objectively as you can, think about the fact that you know all the challenges you have with your H, all the hurts all the times you have felt disappointed in / with him. You see your AP in a very limited light. You really don't know him the way you know your H. This is why you get the feelings you do around the AP.

 

Now put the shoe on the othe foot. How sincere would you feel if your H had been having an A (you didn't say if it was emotional or physical) and was saying what you're saying about MC and the A remained a secret. You are young and wise to seek help both here and in MC but it will only work if honesty is the foundation. To truly give your M a shot, you must truly commit yourself to the cause for the entirety of the agreed upon time. Then make the choice. This commitment includes NC with your AP of any kind and a loving attitude toward your H. Good luck were routing for you.

[NewLeaf512]

OP is "original poster" - you.

 

 

 

Not marriage, but multiple successful open relationships, yes. I'm not automatically advocating that for OP tho, just exploring options. She seems to have legit feelings for two ppl at once, which doesn't necessarily mean, but may, that she's polyamorous. Open relationships are a legit solution for poly ppl, or more specifically authorized second partners.

 

 

 

I have experience in this area, which I do not want to go into detail about here, however this doesn't seem the right thing at this time for OP to me.

 

 

OP: 3 months in a long lifetime is not but the blink of an eye. It's only 12 weeks. Commit to your focus for 12 weeks on your H. If it doesn't work, end it. There are many reasons to be happy, and if your M isn't one of them, end it. Just do it with the class and grace you and H both deserve, and not on the back of an A.

[nightmare01]

I think trying to decide on whether to stay in your marriage while you have one foot (at least mentally) in your affair will cloud the issues. True - you've stopped communication with your OM, that's good. But he's still on your mind in a big way, and that's what I'm talking about clouding your mind.

 

Now about OM. You say he has 2 kids. I think that even if you were single this guy would not make a good match. He's cheating on his wife.. not good for his resume.. and add in that he has kids who's well being his affair is threatening.. well.. in my opinion he shouldn't be a top pick for a partner.

 

There are different ways to go.. you could try to decide about your marriage while your OM is still constantly on your mind.. this would be tough because your husband will always come out as number 2 behind your OM

 

Or you could really end your affair - call OM's wife and tell her what's going on (that will definitely stop him from contacting you), then confess to your husband.

 

From what you said you are having "just" an EA.. right? Nothing intimate has happened yet? I think we men often fail to grasp the significance of an EA, and get bothered more by a PA. I have some theories why this is, but that isn't important now. I say confess it all because you want both you and your husband to make the choice about your marriage from a place of honesty - will all the cards on the table; all the facts known. That to me is the only clear way you can make the choice about your marriage.

 

Good luck.

[World's.Edge]

Humor.me OP means Original Poster, which in this case is you.

 

You and your husband have been together for a long time, since you were young. Not every relationship works out and that's fine. However, you being involved with a married man who has a family and cheating on your husband is horrible.

 

No matter what we write here, you know that being in an affair is wrong and harmful, and so is keeping it a secret. Any advice you receive (which is good advice) will likely involve you telling your husband the truth.

 

This is not to attack you, but I really don't know how you can live day in and day out doing what you're doing. You're being unfaithful, lying and deceiving so many people. I couldn't live like that. How would the people in your life who matter to you feel about this? This isn't some fun, exciting fairly tale romance, your actions have harmful consequences that would devastate a lot of people. You're willfully oblivious to this because you're so caught up in your own drama and excitement over this but make no mistake, this is bad.

 

Your marriage is not going to work out. You aren't invested in it and you're taking from it by being with another man who is married. He says he is planning his divorce but has this been verified? Is his wife aware of this or is he planning to blindside her? Have you met her and had her confirm that their marriage is truly over, because that is the only way to be sure. If not, then he is lying to you and just cheating on his wife.

 

You don't now how to end your marriage, easy. Tell your husband you're cheating on him, and he'll do it for you.

[Sassy Girl]

Marriage counselling is a waste of time if you're not going to to admit the affair. How can you build a healthy marriage with the biggest issue of all not out on the table. in the grand scheme of things the biggest issue on your marriage right now is that your head is not in it.. Your husband may have owned 50% of the marriage issues, but you just torpedoed that by choosing infidelity as a coping mechanism.

 

So either come clean at counselling or call it a day. Your husband deserves to find someone who isn't pining for another man, don't you think?

[understand50]

Marriage counselling is a waste of time if you're not going to to admit the affair. How can you build a healthy marriage with the biggest issue of all not out on the table. in the grand scheme of things the biggest issue on your marriage right now is that your head is not in it.. Your husband may have owned 50% of the marriage issues, but you just torpedoed that by choosing infidelity as a coping mechanism.

 

So either come clean at counselling or call it a day. Your husband deserves to find someone who isn't pining for another man, don't you think?

 

humor.me,

 

The only way forward is to be open and honest with your Husband, if you decide to try and make your marriage work. If you are going to divorce, then go file, move out and move on.

 

You need to choose. Doing nothing is making you crazy, and not doing anything to help your husband or your marriage. Set a deadline went you are going to decide, and go all in - one way or the other. I would give yourself 7 days, and then act.

 

If you decide to stay, then you need to be open and honest with your BS. You will need to own your actions, and your infidelity. You will also have to forget entirely your AP, if you are to reconcile, assuming your husband gives you a 2nd chance.

 

You need to act and decide. Once you do, things will get better, as you will regain control over your life.

 

I wish you luck and peace of mind.

[humor.me]

JBrent:

 

I didn't come on here expecting for everyone to give me sugar coated advice. So I completely appreciate your response along with everyone else's. It's a tough pill to swallow but I think I know what I need to do. It's the fear of doing it. The fear of the aftermath that comes along with hurting my husband. The fear of the unknown of the outcome.

 

You're absolutely right. If I want this marriage to truly work, I need to be honest but it's such a scary thought. On the other hand...I have considered divorce for awhile now. Before OM, I woke up every morning "Do I really always want to wake up in such negativity for the rest of my life because of my marriage?" I am so conflicted with the 2. Both are MAJOR decisions. Life changing.

 

Also I should add, I in no way was hoping and counting on having a relationship with OM. I have VERY strong feelings for him and if he were to officially divorce his wife, I may consider having an open relationship with him but in no way whatsoever do I expect anything to come of it.

[oldshirt]

OP, is it out of the question that both your hubs and his wife would agree to open marriages?

 

 

 

Open marriages are for people that have satisfactory marriages and good sexlives and have exceptional communication and are open and honest with each other. for those people open marriages can work.

 

 

People that try to veil affairs under the guise of open marriages always go down in flames because the underlying problems and dissatisfactions and deceit are still there and the open marriage is being used as a ruse to develop the affair and to get out of the bad marriage.

 

 

To have a successful open marriage, one must fix the marriage and have a successful marriage first.

 

 

In an instance such as this, if she were to ask him if they could have an open marriage and he said, "fine!', Their marriage would be broke open like rotten eggshell in a matter of weeks anyway because the marriage is a disaster and she would just be using that as means to move forward with the OM.

[Clay]

I am biased. I personally think you should just tell your husband and ask for a divorce. He deserves to know and the right to heal and move on as well. You then can take your time and figure out what you really want in life.

 

I know it sounds easy but the only way your going to get your life back on track is to be honest to yourself and to your husband.

 

I reasoning for you ending your marriage is due to the fact its not fair to make your husband wait in limbo while you sort out what you want in life.

 

 

Aside of that I would suggest you get into counseling.

 

C

[humor.me]

I completely agree with you along with all the other posts. And I think I've always known what I needed to do... but I am deathly afraid of doing it. I did put this on myself and geeze--wish I never did. Lesson learned...affair is NO WAY to solve anything. Rather complicates EVERYTHING.

 

I truly appreciate everyone's advise. A little more clarity, especially now that I have been able to open up about it.

 

Also, I do want to add that along with the MC, I have already made an appointment for IC. I do recognize I need that help as well.

[maymaymay]

OP is "original poster" - you.

 

 

 

Not marriage, but multiple successful open relationships, yes. I'm not automatically advocating that for OP tho, just exploring options. She seems to have legit feelings for two ppl at once, which doesn't necessarily mean, but may, that she's polyamorous. Open relationships are a legit solution for poly ppl, or more specifically authorized second partners.

You are now my new idol.

[maymaymay]

I completely agree with you along with all the other posts. And I think I've always known what I needed to do... but I am deathly afraid of doing it. I did put this on myself and geeze--wish I never did. Lesson learned...affair is NO WAY to solve anything. Rather complicates EVERYTHING.

 

I truly appreciate everyone's advise. A little more clarity, especially now that I have been able to open up about it.

 

Also, I do want to add that along with the MC, I have already made an appointment for IC. I do recognize I need that help as well.

I think we could all use IC. Best of luck. *hugs*