my story

[groot]

so this is my first post here, after reading several threads, i wanted to post my own and get some opinions and help. i really will appreciate whatever is thrown my away. i guess i'll go from the start, with some backstory.

 

i'm turning 29 in a few weeks. i'm english. my wife just turned 33, and she's american. we met online, visited each other over the next couple years and i moved to the states with a fiance visa and we got married at the end of 2012.

 

it will be five weeks ago this coming wednesday that everything changed. i work for apple, doing tech support from home, and i legitimately had to use my wife's ipad mini to troubleshoot an issue. upon turning on this device that she hadn't used for months, facebook messenger notifications popped on the lock screen, messages between her and a long time friend. i can't remember what message alarmed me, but yeah, i opened the app straight away and saw their conversation.

 

essentially, it detailed information about her boss, jim (he is in his fifties, and as shallow as i sound, is a rather ugly guy.) the messages that i remember - like i said, this came out five weeks ago - went like 'i'm afraid to leave you because i don't know what it will be like with ***' and 'you are sweet and i love him but *** is my soulmate'. devestated. breaking down. i called her immediately. she came home and picked me up (i don't drive) and we went to a spot to talk

 

she told me there were four incidents, on the way back from meetings/events. first time, he suddenly kissed her briefly. she felt shocked, she told me. she didn't say anything and she never told me, of course. second time. they stopped. they kissed for several minutes and she let him grope her breasts a little and he tried to put his hand between her legs but she pushed his hand away. third time. kissing for several minutes - and by the way, she says there was never any tongue - and then unzipped his pants and blew him for a minute before she couldn't do it anymore. fourth time - kissing for a few minutes.

 

obviously, i was completely shocked. but then everything comes out, and i had thoughts in my head about letting myself be a pushover, but i can honestly say we've had a lot of issues. i have been extremely anti-social over the last year or two and my wife is the exact opposite, she wants us to go out but because i have social anxiety problems, we haven't been able to. she has mentioned this to me several times, and that i need to change, i need to grow - but i kind of shrugged it off.

 

i would summarise myself as becoming really lazy with our marriage. sex wise. wow. so, we live with my mother in law and i hate doing intimate things knowing she is the in the house. we had sex once this year before all of this came out. my wife told me how resentful of me she has become and that she feels so alone and unwanted. the last few months i have also spent downstairs watching tv when she goes to bed, so over the last few months i have rarely gone to bed with her.

 

she states that there is no attraction to this guy in any way whatsoever. no feelings. no desire. no emotions. the only thing she got from this was a fix. she felt wanted. she was going through the motions as she put it. and like i said earlier, as shallow as it is, the fact that this guy is really old and unattractive helps what she is saying. in a later discussion, she was up front that this could have been anyone. that it could have even been a woman, maybe.

 

i asked her about those messages to her friend - this friend she's known since school and would have no reason to lie to - at that pont in time when she wrote the notes, she was extremely angry at me because of something and she said those things out of anger. she told me that when she is pissed at me she thinks things with the idea that they'll be as spiteful as possible towards me.

 

i went into super stalker mode - she has changed all of her passwords, by the way - her iphone passcode, gmail account, facebook - when before, we knew each other's passwords - she still knows mine. when i confront her about this, she says she wants that privacy and it's kind of a reaction to me snooping. i checked out the sprint usage bills, and saw a late night call - just after midnight - on a weekday - two six minute calls. i initially missed the part that they were outbound. she said to me he had called her and was looking for phone sex. i took that. i then realised she had made those two calls. she owned up and said she did, that she felt so alone and needed to talk to someone - but that she didn't have phone sex.

 

i hate all the lies. no more lies. i love my wife dearly. she has admitted she is not in love with me anymore because of everything that i stopped doing. it's now a month later and i have my moments. right now we're trying a week apart - her in a hotel for a few days, and then me. right now i can't stop thinking things. the two things i keep thing about are...could she really not have been attracted to this guy at all, in any possible way? and was the fix really the only thing happening here.

 

i just want her to be honest. i feel like a completely new person, my own issues resolved. but i need to forgive her and learn to trust her for what she did. ugh, sorry for the essay.

Edited September 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[spanz1]

 

i would summarise myself as becoming really lazy with our marriage. sex wise. wow. so, we live with my mother in law and i hate doing intimate things knowing she is the in the house. we had sex once this year before all of this came out. my wife told me how resentful of me she has become and that she feels so alone and unwanted. the last few months i have also spent downstairs watching tv when she goes to bed, so over the last few months i have rarely gone to bed with her..

 

so, you WANT to drive her into the arms of another man by withholding sex?

 

maybe you should rethink this strategy?

 

at the least, stop being lazy, and start communicating. get the help of a professional if ou do not know how to talk to her about these issues.

[bobwhite007]

She is at a motel and your at her mothers? Oook that's weird

[Marc878]

She changed her passwords for a reason.

 

She's at a hotel for a reason.

 

Both of them not good.

 

You may have issues but she's a cheater.

 

Cheaters always lie.

 

Marriage won't survive unless you both work on it. You should both know each other's passwords at a minimum.

[World's.Edge]

Your wife is blameshifting, and that's very typical of cheaters. The issues she has mention, those should have been addressed before she allowed herself to become involved in an emotional/physical affair with her boss.

 

Her staying at a hotel is so that she can pursue her boss and escalate the relationship with him without your interference. Physical attraction isn't paramount to women. Status, social value, how someone makes them feel, position and power are all important.

 

Stop trying to figure out what she's thinking. You going into 'stalker mode' is passive and pathetic. It makes you appear weak and that'll lose you respect with her.

 

i just want her to be honest. i feel like a completely new person, my own issues resolved. but i need to forgive her and learn to trust her for what she did. ugh, sorry for the essay.

Why is this necessary? Move ahead and file for divorce. She's admiited that she's not in love with you, she is currently cheating on you, and by your accounts you aren't well-suited and compatible with each other and your relationship and marriage is miserable. Sure it sucks having her do what she did to you but you have to move forward with your life.

 

She will continue the affair with her boss and lie to you about it until she decides to leave you, all the while still lying to you. That's what adulterers do, lie. Look at the outgoing call, she lied about that and only admitted to it once you proved her lie, and she didn't even care that she lied.

 

The are patterns to human beaviour. Your wife is going to continue to lie to you and cheat. She hasn't apologized or shown remorse for her actions.

 

A lack of strong and decicive actions on your part will have this end in the worst way possible for you. File for divorce and have her served. Stop or limit all contact with her. Stop snooping, it won't prevent her from doing what she wants to do and a husband shouldn't have to keep tabs on his wife. Workout, exercise, eat healthy.

 

I have no issues with social anxiety but if you feel that it's an issue for you then seek help from a therapist to help you with it, and maybe work towards finding someone you're better suited with in the future.

[oldshirt]

You have some serious personal issues and your marriage has a lot of relationship issues.

 

I am not condoning her affair at all but understand that untill you address your personal and relationship issues effectively, your marriage won't last even if she does stop blowing her boss, which quite frankly doesn't sound like she intends to stop.

 

This is beyond the scope of strangers offering advice on the internet. You need professional individual and marital counseling for your marriage to survive intact as a healthy and happy partnership.

[qubist]

You have some serious personal issues and your marriage has a lot of relationship issues.

 

I am not condoning her affair at all but understand that untill you address your personal and relationship issues effectively, your marriage won't last even if she does stop blowing her boss, which quite frankly doesn't sound like she intends to stop.

 

This is beyond the scope of strangers offering advice on the internet. You need professional individual and marital counseling for your marriage to survive intact as a healthy and happy partnership.

I agree with this, her A is only one of many battles you will have to face, and you don't seem to capable of facing them all at eh same time. you need to fix yourself first

[fellini]

Perhaps you should separate for real. Both of you need to get your lives together. You need to learn something really important, even though it is said a thousand times in every romantic comedy ever produced: We only have this one life to live and you can either live it alone or enjoy it with the company of others, or in a family. If you want to be alone, then great. DO THAT.

 

But you do not get to marry someone and then essentially live alone!

 

When you know what you want, take it.

 

She seems content to completely gaslight you. So end this charade of an exploration, end your commitment to her. Maybe then she will start to do some of the work that you have only just begun in deciding her own future. But while you allow this thing to drag through neither of you is working on the internal issues that brought this marriage to what it is today.

 

Do something different. Watch what happens. keep moving.

[nightmare01]

Start by asking her point blank : "tell me about jim" and see where it goes from there.

 

You'll probably get denials... but it will definitely put her on alert to what she is about to loose.

[Mr. Lucky]

right now i can't stop thinking things. the two things i keep thing about are...could she really not have been attracted to this guy at all, in any possible way? and was the fix really the only thing happening here.

 

Why do you care now? Certainly not condoning her cheating, but, when you had your wife everything you did said you didn't want her.

 

So, now that she's strayed, why do you want her now :confused:???

 

Mr. Lucky

[coryreply]

Sorry you're going through all of this. It's nice that you've been able to identify some patterns in your life that contributed to this situation but dude, cheating is never, ever justified.

 

She doesn't sound very repentant either. Changing all of her passwords and denying you access to her accounts is not a good sign at all.

 

If you want to save your marriage, you need to change your strategy, and fast. I am shocked that MC was not mentioned anywhere in your post.

[sandylee1]

She cheated

Now she's hiding passwords

She says she doesn't love you anymore

 

What else is there to discuss?

 

There's so many women who wouldn't cheat. You have no kids. You can get a younger and probably more attractive loyal mate, while she has old Jim whose probably married.

 

If I was a young guy like you I wouldn't put up with it. Then she gives you a load of lies and continuesto make you look crazy.

 

Knock her out of fantasy land and serve her with divorce papers. You must be willing to loose your marriage to save it, but it sounds like she's emotionally disconnected from you.

 

Why didn't she express her unhappiness?

Why are you both living with the MIL?

 

ETA

Did sex once in a year really not bother you? Do you really desire her? Because no matter where we lived I can't imagine my H wouldn't even get in the shower with me for a session.

Edited September 1, 2015 by sandylee1
ETA

[Tobin]

i feel like a completely new person, my own issues resolved.

 

Except that you're not, and they're not.

 

Don't fool yourself into thinking that somehow you've completely metamorphized into some new great person and if she can only realize this, then everything will be peachy.

 

Real change takes years, if ever.

 

It doesn't happen overnite just because you want it to.