Should I confront this guy?

[Whatnotagain]

I am looking for some feedback on whether or not I should confront a person that my wife went out with while she was away on training four years ago.

 

Here’s is a little back ground on my situation. D-Day for me was around the end of April 2014. I confronted my wife about some information I accidentally discovered on her tablet two months before showing that she was having an inappropriate relationship online. Someone I knew of but did not know very well. I had already suspected for a couple of years that she had also had an affair while traveling in 2011. I believed that she had been involved with a friend and coworker for a couple of years and confronted her about that as well. She confirmed all the information I had gathered and added some more details that I did not know. In short, all of my suspicions were confirmed. I have been working at reconciling with her (we have a son) and we have had many conversations about the people she was involved with and the places where things occurred. Not everything was disclosed to me at once (trickle truth) and it seems like she would often downplay or minimize things (damage control). After a few months of this, it seemed like I had received as much information as she was going to give me and was assured that I was told everything.

 

Back in March of this year I found a bunch of data backups from our GPS device that we have had for several years. Every time that I did a software update of the device, a backup of all the trip data was made on my laptop. I was interested in a trip my wife had taken back in July of 2010 for training and she had the GPS on that trip. It was on this trip that she changed the password on one of the email accounts we used and pin locked it so it could only be unlocked by a text to her phone. I was surprised to find that on one of the nights during that trip, she had left an area in Reston, VA at around 11:00 PM in the evening to return back to her Hotel. Looking at the address and coordinates of the area she was traveling from, I found that she was leaving a condo complex. I asked her why she was leaving from that area that late at night and she said that she went out to dinner with a client from another organization that she had worked with and ended up taking him home because his car broke down. She claimed that she thought she told me about it before and how it was weird that she was meeting him in person for the first time and he asked her to come pick him up. She claimed that they had to wait a long time for the tow truck to show up and that eventually she took him home without going to dinner. I asked if she went inside of his condo and she said no, that she dropped him off outside and that his girlfriend came out to meet her.

 

After looking at her emails and the receipts from the trip, I found that she did in fact go to dinner with him that night (two of his coworkers were also invited but didn't make it). Asking her about it again she said that she guessed that she had gone to dinner with him after all but didn’t remember much except that he talked about his job a lot. I was curious as to how she was able to find him when his car broke down, not being from that area, so I looked at the trip data for when she went to pick him up. The address she entered happened to be only two miles from her hotel and for a building right next to a commuter rail station. This makes me think that his car may not have broken down at all and that she picked him up at the rail station to go to dinner a mile away. The next station down the line happens to be in the town where he lived.

 

Last week I found his contact information in an old backup from her phone from a few years ago. I am tempted to contact him to ask him why he was with my wife and why she went back to his condo after dinner, to see if the information he might give me (if at all) differs from what I have been told. There are things that she has told me that I do not quite believe and there are times where I feel like I am not receiving all of the truth. It may help to know whether or not I am really getting the truth. Whenever possible I try to verify the information my wife gives me.

[TX-SC]

Sure, why not. Contact him and tell him that you'd like to get some answers. You could even tell him a little story about how you caught her cheating recently and just wanted to know if it was a habit for her.

[oldshirt]

One of two things will occur if you contact him.

 

One is he will lie too which will accomplish you nothing other than knowing that your wife is a lying and cheating ho.

 

And the other is he will fess up to everything in which case you will know that your wife is a lying and cheating ho.

 

So will any of that really be helpful or tell you anything that you don't already know?

[oldshirt]

Sure, why not. Contact him and tell him that you'd like to get some answers. You could even tell him a little story about how you caught her cheating recently and just wanted to know if it was a habit for her.

 

Naw, if you are gonna contact him, play dumb and make up some story asking where they went and what they did. But don't imply that you already know any details.

 

He will either say he has no idea what you are talking about and hang up in which case you will know what really happened (they got it on).

 

Or he will tell you some story that will differ from hers in which case you will also know they got it on.

 

 

IMHO contacting him in general will not accomplish anything you don't already know. But if you do contact him, play dumb and let him fill in the details. They will differ from her account and that is all you will need to know.

 

You already know she is a cheater and a lier. You'll probably never know the true depths of everything she has done.

[bigman1]

 

Here’s is a little back ground on my situation. D-Day for me was around the end of April 2014. I confronted my wife about some information I accidentally discovered on her tablet two months before showing that she was having an inappropriate relationship online. Someone I knew of but did not know very well. I had already suspected for a couple of years that she had also had an affair while traveling in 2011. I believed that she had been involved with a friend and coworker for a couple of years and confronted her about that as well. She confirmed all the information I had gathered and added some more details that I did not know. In short, all of my suspicions were confirmed.

 

I am going to say that this history is rather sparse and does not sufficiently inform whether your wife actually cheated on you physically or emotionally. I say this because I know guys who think their wives eating lunch with a guy is cheating. Not trying to slam you, but too much is left to the imagination.

 

Did she have an EA in 2015 AFTER a PA on a trip in 2011, AND NOW you found out about an new guy from 2010?

[oldshirt]

Whenever possible I try to verify the information my wife gives me.

 

The real question question you need to be asking yourself is why are you sharing a life, a home and a bed with a woman you have to verify every word she says?

 

We all know what she is, but what does that make you?

[Whatnotagain]

I am going to say that this history is rather sparse and does not sufficiently inform whether your wife actually cheated on you physically or emotionally. I say this because I know guys who think their wives eating lunch with a guy is cheating. Not trying to slam you, but too much is left to the imagination.

 

Did she have an EA in 2015 AFTER a PA on a trip in 2011, AND NOW you found out about an new guy from 2010?

 

Yes PA in 2011 while traveling [confirmed]. EA that started with friend/coworker at about the end of 2009 and ended in 2012 [confirmed]. Goes out with this guy while traveling in 2010 and found out about it later after D-Day.

[Whatnotagain]

So will any of that really be helpful or tell you anything that you don't already know?

 

The more information that I know before I confront her about this again the stronger my position will be.

[qubist]

there were multiple A since 2009 till she confess in 2014, she was hiding the full truth of these A. she most likely had more than she hasn't reveled yet including this trip to Reston VA. ( BTW I live in Northern Virginia and Metro was not in service in the Reston area till 2014 so those stations you talked about weren't running in 2010)

to answer your question, yes go ahead and ask the guy what are you going to lose?

the real question should be what did you guys do after Dday to reconcile and correct what happened. had she done anything to fix herself as she seemed to be a serial cheater.

[Try]

I had already suspected for a couple of years that she had also had an affair while traveling in 2011. I believed that she had been involved with a friend and coworker for a couple of years and confronted her about that as well. She confirmed all the information I had gathered and added some more details that I did not know. In short, all of my suspicions were confirmed. I have been working at reconciling with her (we have a son) and we have had many conversations about the people she was involved with and the places where things occurred.

You already know about the multiple "people she was involved with" sexually. What difference does one more f**k buddy make when you already know that she is an admitted serial cheater?

 

That being said, if you are going to confront the other man, at least be smart about it. Call him to say that in trying to work on the marriage, your wife has admitted that she had sex with him that day, but claims that it was only that one time; then ask him to tell you if they had sex more than that one time or not. If he tells you that they only had sex that one night, then you know that she is lying. BTW, you would have no reason to believe the other man that it was only one time.

[Whatnotagain]

there were multiple A since 2009 till she confess in 2014, she was hiding the full truth of these A. she most likely had more than she hasn't reveled yet including this trip to Reston VA. ( BTW I live in Northern Virginia and Metro was not in service in the Reston area till 2014 so those stations you talked about weren't running in 2010)

to answer your question, yes go ahead and ask the guy what are you going to lose?

the real question should be what did you guys do after Dday to reconcile and correct what happened. had she done anything to fix herself as she seemed to be a serial cheater.

 

That is good to know. The Spring Hill station was the one I am referring to. I was there with her in Reston two months before for the first half of her training for 10 days and I do remember the construction in the middle of the Dulles Toll Road, now that I think of it.

[oldshirt]

The more information that I know before I confront her about this again the stronger my position will be.

 

Not really. You only need to know what you need to know to make an informed decision on what you need to do for yourself.

 

You don't need to convince her of what she did or prove to her what you know.

 

The purpose of investigation and discovery is so that you have a realistic knowledge of what has taken place. Not to convince her of it.

[qubist]

That is good to know. The Spring Hill station was the one I am referring to. I was there with her in Reston two months before for the first half of her training for 10 days and I do remember the construction in the middle of the Dulles Toll Road, now that I think of it.

 

yes metro hasn't made it yet to Dulles airport but the spring hill station and Reston were nor operating back in 2010 i know that for sure

[World's.Edge]

The more information that I know before I confront her about this again the stronger my position will be.

Stronger position to do what exaclty, have more conversations?

[Redheaded Mistress]

I'm not sure I see the point in calling a guy about a trip your wife had 5 years ago. He may not even remember it, even if they did have sex. Honestly, if I got a call like that about if I saw somebody or not 5 years ago, I'd think your nuts and hang up.

[Try]

The purpose of investigation and discovery is so that you have a realistic knowledge of what has taken place. Not to convince her of it.

Quoted for truth. So many betrayed spouse seem to think that they need their spouse to acknowledge their cheating, when cheaters already know what they did, and have proven track record of lying about it. They need to stop giving the cheaters all of the power.

[sandylee1]

It's quite a while ago now and even if you find out she lied it doesn't sound like you'll end the marriage, so what's the point really ?

 

If you want that info to make your mind up , get her to do a poly.

 

Do you have a dealbreaker in the marriage?

[nightmare01]

It's been my experience that nothing good can come from contacting the OM. He will just pour poison into your ears, saying things like the affair was your fault because you were such an awful husband, or that they were in true love (retch), or he may just lie and cover for your WW.

 

IMO contacting the OM can cause more harm than good.

[bubbaganoosh]

What is it that you need to know? You already that she lies to you, she isn't honest with you, she cheated on you and you still need to look for more? Isn't what she did enough for you?

 

How many more years are you going to stay put gathering information and what good will it do since you already know what kind of a woman she is. Wise up and end this farce. She's already made a foo; out of you so why do you want more?

[Whatnotagain]

I agree that he is under no obligation to tell the truth, so I would have to take everything he might say with a grain of salt. I think what I am hearing is that it is better to let sleeping dogs lie and not confront this guy.

[oldshirt]

. I think what I am hearing is that it is better to let sleeping dogs lie and not confront this guy.

 

 

 

What you're hearing is that it won't produce any useful information that you don't already know.

 

 

Is it actually useful to know that they did it doggy style in addition to missionary position???

 

 

The real question here is what information do you need to take any action rather than just continuing to argue with her about it??

[m.snow]

your wife lied, did you confront her with this?

what was her reaction, her attitude, is she remorseful.

 

she cheated and that's a fact.

so right now you are in R?

have you gone to MC and IC?

 

it is very difficult for you to find out the truth.

your wife is completely dishonest about her affairs.

 

yup i say you can call nothing to lose, you just don't know what you might find. if you don't come out as aggressive but in calm assertive manner you might get some information about this.

 

this marriage though is a bit on the fence,

if you have assets i would suggest post nup.

now that will keep your finance secure in case of a divorce.

might even prevent another affair.

[HereNorThere]

You have enough information to know that she's a lying cheater. Making her admit to one more lie isn't going to set your mind at ease.

 

Only you can decide whether or not you can share your wife. She's a classic manipulative, lying cheater and admittedly so. If you can handle that cool, if not, pack your stuff up. If you think busting her again or catching her in another lie is going to make you feel better, it's not.

 

Cheaters gonna cheat. She might lay low until the dust clears, but she'll always be this way. It's just a part of she is.

[angel.eyes]

She obviously knows she's a serial cheater and a liar. You already know she has been a serial cheater over many years, who continues to lie to you. Hunting down some guy from 2009 won't change that conclusion, will it? So, all you're doing by running to her to argue after each hunting expedition is providing a detailed roadmap of all the ways in which you monitor her.

 

I know what she will do differently when she chooses to cheat again: turn off her car's GPS, use the AP's car or a taxi instead of her own, get a burner phone, secretly get another credit card and have the bills go to a secret P.O. box, and do a way better job of covering her tracks! All you're accomplishing is teaching her how to do a better job of deceiving you in the future. Now she knows how to bury her affairs so that they're practically undetectable.

 

Was that your objective when you were quizzing her about being at his condo or going to dinner with him?

 

To me, these are the critical questions.

• Is she likely to do this again? [Yes!]
  
• Are you capable of forgiving her and reconciling? Or do you want to divorce?
  

[World's.Edge]

I agree that he is under no obligation to tell the truth, so I would have to take everything he might say with a grain of salt. I think what I am hearing is that it is better to let sleeping dogs lie and not confront this guy.

That's what you took away from all of the posts? That you should let sleeping dogs lie?

 

What is wrong with you?