Where Am I Going

[Maddogyfd]

First let me give you my story..... My wife and I have been married for 6 years, together for 8. We have been through a lot but have (I thought) always stayed strong and in Love for the most part. We had many miscarriages before we eventually became pregnant in spring of 2014 and had a beautiful baby boy in November 2014. My wife went through severe post partum after the child but seemed to come out of it. I was there for her every day during the miscarriages when she said she wasn't good enough for me and I reassured her that I married her and will live our lives kids or no kids. After the post partum I supported her and I thought we grew closer than we ever have. My wife and I were on vacation In Las Vegas about 5 weeks ago, was doing a little drinking and I saw her pulling up a "secret text app" on her phone, I asked her what it was not quite for sure knowing and her reaction was a dead giveaway, she freaked out and wouldn't show me ran to the bathroom and deleted it. Came out gave me her phone thinking I wouldn't be able to figure it out... Wrong... I saw on her downloaded apps all the different secret apps she had been using. Then I went into her messenger and found who she was talking to... A coworker. My mind was in a blur but the first thing I saw was "I miss you". I knew right then. Her AP was a man that I had seen her have a long FaceTime with before we got pregnant, her excuse was he went through similar and was trying to get a mans perspective to help me. Of course I went into investigative mode but found nothing else. So my WW started to spill all the details (amazing what a little achohol will do). She said the A started a year before we got pregnant in Spring of 2013, she cut it off when she got pregnant (I have confirmed he is mine). The this past March she started it back up until I caught her 5 weeks ago. I HAD NO CLUE! She would still come home to me, love me, show me affection and intimacy. We had our ups and downs but I thought we were vary happy. So of course I jumped on the roller coaster, extreme rage and anger to needing her to not caring to worrying. Well it seems like I poured my heart out to her and all I got in response was "I love you, want to be with you, I'm sorry, and I don't know". So I shut down, I was done putting myself out there for nothing. Of course that made the tension rise in our day to day lives. We would get in fights say it's over say we should separate then the next day be over it or scared. We started MC shortly after and that did not go well, right now our counselor is seeing us for IC. She has a strong suspicion of hidden BI-polar disease In my wife. Anyways I started to notice about 2-3 weeks ago my anger has really subsided, I don't even think about the graphic details anymore, I have no desire to check up on her, I really don't care right now what she does. I have no drive to fight when she wants to, I have no drive to work on it. About a week ago I met a woman at the gym who showed me a lot of interest, we started talking a lot and it gave me a lot of confidence and made me smile, I have since realized I was just filling a void with her and we have cooled it, if it was meant to be it will be. But me and my wife have agreed to separate physically and see where it goes, she agreed but is not happy about it, I can say calmly this is what I want. So then I feel guilt ...guilt that I'm not working hard enough, guilt that I didn't give it enough time, guilt that all I want is my freedom and to be wild. I felt strong feelings of revenge early on, but now I can honestly say I don't even want that fight. What are your thoughts and feelings? Am I crazy? Have I fallen out of love? Am I just going through the motions?

[oldshirt]

One of the risks people take when they cheat is that their spouse will lose their sense of respect, admiration, love and connection with them.

 

She took that risk twice that we know of.

[qubist]

I don't see how MC will help, you definitely in need of an IC. take it easy on yourself.

[Grapesofwrath]

I think feelings are never wrong. How we act on those feelings is the issue. You are on the rollercoaster, and right now it is in a serious dip. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. Doesn't make you crazy.

[oldshirt]

And I do think your feelings of guilt are a bit misplaced as you haven't done anything wrong.

 

People are not obligated to continue to have warm feelings and stay connected to people who mistreat them.

 

It may be sad and unfortunate that this has happened and that you have lost a lot of feelings and connection with your wife, but that is not something that you should feel guilt over.

[TX-SC]

So, she would have sex with him then come home and give you love and affection. Disgusting! You got sloppy seconds.

 

Okay, the separation will most likely lead to divorce. Rarely does a separation work to bring two people closer. Being apart shows you and her that "yeah, I can get along just fine without her."

[Satu]

You have the right to a happy life.

 

You also have the right to seek it elsewhere, as long as you are open and honest about it.

 

Get some IC to gain some certainty about your options.

 

 

Take care.

[Maddogyfd]

TX-SC... She claims she never had sex with me or him on the same day (we can believe that huh?) I work 24 hour shifts and he would come to MY house when I was gone or just have her in the bathroom at work. I am also not optimistic about he separating but it needed done where I was at right now created ALOT of tension and my 9 month old son does not need that. I also forgot at one point she said she had fell in love with him. But now claims she is able to go NC and not have problems with that.

[road]

She said the A started a year before we got pregnant in Spring of 2013, she cut it off when she got pregnant (I have confirmed he is mine).

 

 

How do you know it was yours?

 

 

How do you the affair ended?

 

 

I think this affair never ended.

[TX-SC]

So she was doing him in your own house? Or, skanking it up in the bathroom?

 

CLASSY!

 

I don't think you should be believing ANYTHING she says at this point. Do what's right for YOU. Did they use protection? Have you both been tested for STDs? And, are you SURE there was only one OM?

[Maddogyfd]

I told from the beginning.. I hope he made you feel real special in a bathroom at work! I was not tested for STD's but demanded she be, she told me they had unprotected sex now because she "trusted him"! I did a paternity test to confirm he was mine. As far as the affair ending she has told me it has but I can trust that right?

[Celestial-dreamer]

Anyways I started to notice about 2-3 weeks ago my anger has really subsided, I don't even think about the graphic details anymore, I have no desire to check up on her, I really don't care right now what she does. I have no drive to fight when she wants to, I have no drive to work on it

 

Read, and re-read what you wrote. Now....what was your question?

 

OR....do you still love her? do you still want your M?

 

I would say your separation is a bad idea if your OW is still in the picture. Nothing came of it, so far, but the temptation is there you can't concentrate 100% on your M if your thinking of another.

 

Bi polar is very hard to live with, I know of another marriage heading for D because one was diagnosed with it, the other couldn't handle it. It sucks.

 

You really need to figure out if you love your W enough to see her through this, and can you forgive her.

[Maddogyfd]

Celestial-Dreamer,

OW is not in the picture I have met her for one week and we both realized the road it was going down and both realized I needed to figure out myself and my marriage. That being said I know how I felt before I met the OW, like I had nothing left. Of course I know I need to figure out my marriage and my love but it's easier said than done sometimes. I know the feelings of thinking I won't be able to move past this before I really shut down. I will admit the OW steered me off my "miserable" course and I saw that, maybe just bump in the road or maybe to teach me something, something about what I need, or who I need (and I'm not saying the OW, just in general). And of course I worry it's only been 5 weeks, wish there was some time protocol on this! Lol it would make it a lot easier !

Edited August 31, 2015 by Maddogyfd

[Marc878]

Take the time and reflect if you can live with this in your life?

 

If you can you should move forward with counseling and reconciliation.

 

if you can't you don't have a huge amount of time invested.

 

File for divorce and move on with your life.

 

You don't want to have to deal with this 10/15 years from now.

 

Good luck whichever way you choose.

[drifter777]

When you describe the way you feel right now I hear "depression". Are you seeing the IC too? If not I hope you start. Bring up the depression thing and see if your IC has any opinions on it. A traumatic event, like what you are experiencing right now, can bend your mind into a very depressed state and you might require treatment for a short time.

 

I think the separation is a great idea for right now. You need to get away from her manipulation and sort things out on your own. It will be tough at first since you are so used to being with her, but it will get easier every day. I suggest you stay away from her for at least a month so you can sort out your true feelings rather than just running home after a short time and doing the make-up sex thing. Being horny can feel like "love" for a few hours - maybe even a few days - but it is only a band-aid and you'll be right back where you are now in short order.

[aliveagain]

Your separated, time to see how you and your new friend work out. The imbalance she created cheating over a year with her other man/men can never be balanced. Going back because you have children with her is the wrong reason to go back. If she cheated on you wile you were married and living together do you honestly believe she's respecting her vows to you now? I give your marriage a 5% chance of surviving. Any woman that will bang another man in your marital bed is someone that really has little to no respect for you. Why waste anymore time on the cheater, go for the new woman or you'll never forgive yourself for the missed opportunity. You deserve so much better than the queen of the men's toilets.

[bubbaganoosh]

Just the idea of her showing such a lack of respect by having unprotected sex and then having the guy at your house should tell you all you need to know.

 

I don't care if she's bi polar or not. That's no excuse for what she did plus having sex in a filthy toilet. If it's me, she gets handed divorce papers and just that doesn't mean that you can be a good dad to your boy.

 

If you ever start doubting yourself and want to work it out with her just remember that this guy took your wife in your bed and didn't use protection.

[healingsoul]

Thank you for sharing so much it is easier when you are given a big picture. I have been married for 31 years and I have to tell you marriage takes a lot of work, but IT IS SO WORTH IT! The best years have been after our children have grown up, because we have lots of time to spend with each other and we know we are unconditionally loved by other soul in this world since we have made it through a lot together.

 

Of course, it was very wrong of your wife to have an A. I am glad you both were able to work through it and to not rush to breaking up. I am glad you went to mc and ic. This is where I would start in your situation. I think it would be good for you both to continue ic if you can’t continue mc. And you might need to try more than one mc if one does not work out for both of you. It is never easy when someone is poking around our life, but it is beneficial to get an outside perspective. A good counselor can help you probe areas that you need to improve on to make you the best person you can be for your family.

 

I commend you for not following the attentiveness of the girl you met at the gym. That would only complicate your life tremendously and you must remember not only are you a husband but you are a father. Everything you do impacts the life of your child; every child needs his/her father involved if possible. My three children adore their dad. I also have two brothers that are divorced from their wife with children and it is always so hard on the fathers to keep a loving, consistent relationship with their children –to no fault of their own. Also it is very expensive keeping up with two households, since you would be paying child support. But keep in mind what is most important are the relationships.

 

If your wife might have mental health problems, like the counselor suggested and she may really need your help now to get through this illness. I know you don’t feelings but in marriage feeling can come and go. When we say I do in marriage we make a commitment. Has see seen someone who can diagnose her?