Triggers

[katielee]

We are doing really well. We have both come to forgiveness, but acceptance is proving to be more difficult. We both want our pasts to be different, but we are not angry, just.... frustrated..

We have moved forward with a lifelong dream of buying a lake home and that has been so great for us. And very peaceful for me as I don't like living here. And we work and dream so well together..

 

My question is that I hear spouses should turn towards each other when we hurt, or when we have triggers. But we don't do this. He goes off on his own, and I get angry that they can be fixed -see - lack of acceptance.

 

My last IC she said we were at the tale end of this and I needed validation on how strong a person I am and how hard it was for me to live here, that most people couldn't do it. That if he just SAID that, it would be helpful to me. So, I asked for it and things went downhill. He threw things and walked out the door. He is DONE talking about it, even to validate healing efforts.

 

This is a very lonely process. It doesn't have to be though. I'm not sure how to handle things together.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

What's all this past bad history stuff?

 

 

Where do you live, Alaska or Northern Canada?

[understand50]

We are doing really well. We have both come to forgiveness, but acceptance is proving to be more difficult. We both want our pasts to be different, but we are not angry, just.... frustrated..

We have moved forward with a lifelong dream of buying a lake home and that has been so great for us. And very peaceful for me as I don't like living here. And we work and dream so well together..

 

My question is that I hear spouses should turn towards each other when we hurt, or when we have triggers. But we don't do this. He goes off on his own, and I get angry that they can be fixed -see - lack of acceptance.

 

My last IC she said we were at the tale end of this and I needed validation on how strong a person I am and how hard it was for me to live here, that most people couldn't do it. That if he just SAID that, it would be helpful to me. So, I asked for it and things went downhill. He threw things and walked out the door. He is DONE talking about it, even to validate healing efforts.

 

This is a very lonely process. It doesn't have to be though. I'm not sure how to handle things together.

 

katielee,

 

I can see two things going on. For your husband, he longs to have this past him, you and your marriage. He does not want to be reminded of what he did. Question? Does he feel you use his past transgressions again him on other issues in the marriage? One of the promises I made to my then G/F now wife, is that I would not use her ONS against her on when we fight on other things. This has worked well for use, as we can face new issue without rehashing the past. He may feel you are doing this.

 

Now, for the second thing, you do feel a need to talk about it from time to time. This is helpful to you. I get it, myself I heal by just talking it out. My suggestion is to ask your husband if you both could agree to have a monthly talk where anything can be brought, and talked about and that all thing said will be kept in the "meeting" and only this meeting. This limits the walking on egg shells, and it puts what you need and what he finds hard in a predetermined time and place and allows you both the rest of the time to reconnect and enjoy each other.

 

I know this is simplistic, and may not fit your situation, but it may work for you and your husband. It does for my us, as she does not have to worry about a nice day, or "date" ruined, by the past or present issues, and we both get to air issues that we need to. No suffering in silence. It will also let you enjoy the moment, as you know you will get your "say" later on.

 

I wish you luck and peace of mind.

[katielee]

We don't fight about anything other than where we live. 99% of the time we are enjoying each other, making new memories...,

Alaska or northern Canada? What?

Edited August 30, 2015 by katielee

[nightmare01]

Sorry if I missed it, but how long since Dday? Did you both have affairs, or just one of you?

 

The thing that comes to mind is that dreaded thing.. TIME. In time you'll be able to find acceptance... and I know you want to hurry it along, but it takes as long as it takes.

 

Nothing either of you can do or say will magically make the pain and frustration go away. That will happen on it's own schedule.

 

I think that each of us have our own unique way of getting beyond it.

 

Nothing you can do in the present can change the past. You may want it to go away, to have never happened.. but it did, and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

If you're each completely open and honest with each other - no secrets at all between you two, that will probably help. For me, finding some modicum of trust helped. But trust will never return to what it was before, so I developed a plan b, so I had an out if my WW acted out again.. I don't think she will... but I thought that before her affair, so the plan b helped me. But that's me, and what worked for me probably won't work for either of you.

 

Give yourselves time and try to not get frustrated when instant gratification doesn't come along. As long as you guys are together and talking honestly with each other, you stand a good chance of gaining acceptance and gaining your equilibrium as a couple.

[katielee]

It's been 5.5 years since my affair. It's been 4 years since I was sexually assaulted and told him about it. It's been 3.5 years since I caught him in two affairs roughly 3 months apart.

I can't believe we are still alive! But we are! Loving each other. But it is trying.

And yes, I need to talk about it maybe once every 6 weeks. He equates recovery to not talking about it. I don't.

[ShatteredLady]

Wow! You guys have been through so much! I'm really sorry. It must be so hard for you. I'm a talker too. I know what you mean. Not to be sexist but I think a lot more women are than men. My H tries to understand. I NEED to discuss my feelings. I MUST talk about things that have happened in my life & between us. It truly helps me. I can physically feel the stress drain out of me as I verbalize things. the longer I keep quiet & bottle things up the worse it feels. We went through a stage where getting him to talk was like blood from a stone. With everything going on I felt like I was constantly having a panic attack! I was always a really laid-back, easy going person. Friends & family joked about it. It's taken a lot of explaining, again & again & again but I think my H understands now. No 2 people are the same. I know he must be harboring a lot of guilt. My H often wishes I could just forget & get on with life but I can't!! I wish I could. I loved my fantasy world. I treasured my innocence. You need what you need & your H needs to truly 'get it'. He created many of your demons. He needs to help you exorcize them. If in 30 years you need to talk about it again so be it!!

[understand50]

Wow! You guys have been through so much! I'm really sorry. It must be so hard for you. I'm a talker too. I know what you mean. Not to be sexist but I think a lot more women are than men. My H tries to understand. I NEED to discuss my feelings. I MUST talk about things that have happened in my life & between us. It truly helps me. I can physically feel the stress drain out of me as I verbalize things. the longer I keep quiet & bottle things up the worse it feels. We went through a stage where getting him to talk was like blood from a stone. With everything going on I felt like I was constantly having a panic attack! I was always a really laid-back, easy going person. Friends & family joked about it. It's taken a lot of explaining, again & again & again but I think my H understands now. No 2 people are the same. I know he must be harboring a lot of guilt. My H often wishes I could just forget & get on with life but I can't!! I wish I could. I loved my fantasy world. I treasured my innocence. You need what you need & your H needs to truly 'get it'. He created many of your demons. He needs to help you exorcize them. If in 30 years you need to talk about it again so be it!!

 

ShatteredLady,

 

In my case I am the talker. Wife just would rather rug sweep. I think that katielee, just needs to find a way to have the talks, but not let them set the agenda for the rest of the marrage.

 

We don't fight about anything other than where we live. 99% of the time we are enjoying each other, making new memories...,

 

katielee

 

If this is the case, you both are doing fantastic, and the once an month talk should work for you. - Just suggesting. Maybe you should look at how far you have both come, and give yourself some credit.

 

I wish you both well.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

We don't fight about anything other than where we live. 99% of the time we are enjoying each other, making new memories...,

Alaska or northern Canada? What?

 

What's the issue about where you live?

[katielee]

What's the issue about where you live?

 

 

I live in the Midwest.

[BetrayedH]

I live in the Midwest.

 

I read about you buying the lake home and I got excited, thinking that you'd finally be moving away from the OW. But now I'm thinking you're still in the same area. Did you get to move away or not?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee..I have wondered how you are and i am so glad you are making progress!

Your recovery has been a hard battle...but it sounds like you are winning the war.

 

I am not sure that triggers ever completely go away....there will certainly be "things" that are said or "things" you see...that remind us of what has happened. The progress i have experienced is that now when a trigger happens...we can move past it without dwelling on it and allowing it to consume us....and yes...i think we even get to a place where we do not need to discuss it.

 

This past weekend we visited our best friends.....they do not know about our past.....and they bought a car several years ago....one very similar to the car my OM had.....John had never seen the car...until this visit.....and while i cringed because it was parked in the driveway and i knew he was going to see it....he handled it on his own....we both "knew" but we did not discuss it...

 

To me....that was amazing progress.

 

Have hope my dear...this too shall pass

[katielee]

I read about you buying the lake home and I got excited, thinking that you'd finally be moving away from the OW. But now I'm thinking you're still in the same area. Did you get to move away or not?

 

 

the lake home is our vacation home 90 miles away. So very relaxing and peaceful for me.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Katie,

 

I agree with Understand's suggestion of scheduling a time for talking. That's what my H and I did instead of MC. Each person had a chance to talk and listen. It was for serious stuff only. Then afterward we usually planned doing things separately...he go to a movie, or me go for a walk...it was helpful after the serious talk to have some alone time to process and recover. What was nice too was that neither of us ever felt ambushed...if something came up outside of the talk time, one of us would say "let's add this to the agenda" and drop it. We don't do them very often anymore, but I still consider talk time an important tool in our marriage box.

 

Good luck,

BSW

[katielee]

We can schedule talks but he won't want to. He thinks we should be done talking about all of this. I think if we were a year out from the affairs, yes. But the only things that get us now is triggers and some, yes, we handle ourselves, but others I think need to be discussed as they come up. The thing is, all we can really say is, "that hurts." We don't turn to the other for comfort. When I trigger hard I want nothing to do with him. It's weird.

[latinmex]

Hi Katielee

 

I just have one question, if you want to answer

 

I was looking for you story to undestand this post, and I found in Sep 7 2010

but in that post you said that was not sex in your affair yhat was just an EA and now you are saying that you had sex in your affair, so what is the truth you was lying in your first post?

 

But, anyway I hope everything goes better in you marriage, if you two decided to be together, you both fight for YOUR HAPPINESS.

[katielee]

My God, I must have lied about that when i first arrived here. Hubby knows the truth. I TT that info for probably a year, although he knew about the affair. It was when I was sexually assaulted that I hit rock bottom and spewed everything, knowing he would like leave me, but that it was time to start living authentically, even if that meant without him.

 

We just got back from closing on our lake house and spent the evening there. It was so very peaceful. We can't wait to go back. We're both taking off Friday so we can have a 4 day weekend up there...

[latinmex]

My God, I must have lied about that when i first arrived here. Hubby knows the truth. I TT that info for probably a year, although he knew about the affair. It was when I was sexually assaulted that I hit rock bottom and spewed everything, knowing he would like leave me, but that it was time to start living authentically, even if that meant without him.

 

We just got back from closing on our lake house and spent the evening there. It was so very peaceful. We can't wait to go back. We're both taking off Friday so we can have a 4 day weekend up there...

 

 

Thanks for answering