Is it possible to trust again?

[Sandy43]

I am almost 8 months from d-day and I find that while the hurt lessens with time the trust is not coming back at all. I became suspicous last November and investigated until I found a little evidence and confronted, he admitted but of course there was tricklt truth which made matters worse. It was pretty much an EA, very little physical contact as they only saw each other at work (they no longer work together). He has been completely transparent with all email accounts, phone, ipad etc but I find myself stuck in investigation mode possibly because everything was deleted so I could barely find anything and only have his word on what happened.

So the question I have is for those who have reconciled, is it possible to trust again?

[Sub]

Yes, but it takes time, a lot of effort on their part and some sacrifice on yours. I was still curious about possible contact and sporadically "checking" on my WW about 2 years post-dday. (Not proud of that fact.) But she did a lot to prove she wanted to be with me. And she communicated with me. I didn't need to know where she was at all times, but when she was out with friends or away, I could tell she was aware of the possible anxiety it would cause. Even if there wasn't any on my part. And in the end, you just have to let go and not be a slave to it. You can't control what another human being does. You can't keep an eye on him 24/7. You have to live your life, too.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Trust has to be earned...and it takes time.There is no magic formula....but there are certain steps that have to be taken.

 

The foundation of your relationship has been cracked....and it takes time to let it settle before the crack can begin to be filled.

 

I believe one of the most important steps is transparency. My affair was 32 years ago...but even today...my husband knows every on line account i have...every password....my life is an open book. I give him my complete schedule every day....and throughout the day...i tell him where i am. He has NEVER required this of me....i do it willingly. I know it helps him to feel better...and that's my job....to heal the wounds and repair the damage i have done.

[BetrayedH]

The best phrase I've heard is that it takes "consistent actions over time." And conventional wisdom puts recovery at 2-5 years. You're at 8 months.

 

This is not to say that you have to wait 2-5 years. If you run out of patience in the meantime, no one can blame you for calling it quits. It's your husband's job to rebuild that trust. If he doesn't, it's on him.

 

I'm also sorry to say it but I have a really hard time believing just about any guy that says he "just had an EA." While women may want an emotional connection more than anything, guys establish the emotional connection in order to get sex.

[understand50]

I am almost 8 months from d-day and I find that while the hurt lessens with time the trust is not coming back at all. I became suspicous last November and investigated until I found a little evidence and confronted, he admitted but of course there was tricklt truth which made matters worse. It was pretty much an EA, very little physical contact as they only saw each other at work (they no longer work together). He has been completely transparent with all email accounts, phone, ipad etc but I find myself stuck in investigation mode possibly because everything was deleted so I could barely find anything and only have his word on what happened.

So the question I have is for those who have reconciled, is it possible to trust again?

 

Sandy43,

 

Yes it is possible, but your husband is not working to make it so. In order for you to trust again he must live his life in a way to warrant your trust. EA's are not helping one bit. Until he can do this, you will not trust him, and rightly so.

 

Have him read the link at the top of the board: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know. You read it as well, so you both know what reconciliation is and are on the same page. There is no place for a EA. It may help to discuss it with him, as understanding between you both will help towards trusting.

 

I wish you luck, and for your husband, I hope he gets a clue.

Edited August 28, 2015 by understand50

[Sandy43]

The best phrase I've heard is that it takes "consistent actions over time." And conventional wisdom puts recovery at 2-5 years. You're at 8 months.

 

This is not to say that you have to wait 2-5 years. If you run out of patience in the meantime, no one can blame you for calling it quits. It's your husband's job to rebuild that trust. If he doesn't, it's on him.

 

I'm also sorry to say it but I have a really hard time believing just about any guy that says he "just had an EA." While women may want an emotional connection more than anything, guys establish the emotional connection in order to get sex.

 

Thanks for the responses, I realize that 8 months is a relatively short time and I know that it will take more time. He is completely transparent and has been since dday, I think when I read about others situations (how some people continue their A underground and pine for their AP's and continue to decieve after dday etc) it makes me start to wonder if he could be doing something like that eventhough he would have to be houdini to get anything by me at this point.

BH I have a hard time with that myself but I do know that he never worked late, and was with me after work and on the weekends so I think it didn't progress that far however I think that it was heading that way and there was no opportunity for it to happen. He swears (of course) that the only physical contact between them was kissing a few times (which was at work) and she confirmed this, he offered to take a polygraph without me asking. I didn't make him take one because of the cost and after reading about them and hearing that they weren't always reliable I found that it was not worth the cost if I wasn't going to be 100% sure I could trust the results.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

The best phrase I've heard is that it takes "consistent actions over time." And conventional wisdom puts recovery at 2-5 years. You're at 8 months.

 

This is not to say that you have to wait 2-5 years. If you run out of patience in the meantime, no one can blame you for calling it quits. It's your husband's job to rebuild that trust. If he doesn't, it's on him.

 

I'm also sorry to say it but I have a really hard time believing just about any guy that says he "just had an EA." While women may want an emotional connection more than anything, guys establish the emotional connection in order to get sex.

 

^ This is my take as well. Trust takes time and must be rebuilt by the WS. That blind trust will never return, but trust can be rebuilt.

 

As far as the EA versus PA. I've read on here many times that the woman wants the emotional connection, but she'll give the male AP sex as reciprocity. A subconscious quid pro quo to keep the relationship going forward.

[SSJROMANCE]

If you find the answer let me know. Try being lied to multiple times over many years and her only excuse was that she knew I would be mad. Really??? So I wish I could give you the answer but every time I thought it was possible she shot it down again.

[Zenstudent]

Yes, it is possible to trust again - since it's a choice. So the question really is, if it's reasonable to trust again.

 

I say no, I'll never trust anyone 100% again, that bird flew out the window once I faced that level of betrayal.

 

This is not to say that you can't have a good and happy life. You just don't wear rose colored glasses anymore.

 

Key is, it's a choice.

[Bigdaddyt]

Sandy, I find myself there now and I believe that only you can answer this question. I do believe that you can learn to trust a WS, over time. Trust but verify!

[Mr. Lucky]

I find myself stuck in investigation mode possibly because everything was deleted so I could barely find anything and only have his word on what happened.

 

Given sufficient motivation, that which was deleted can often be restored or sourced elsewhere. Tell you're struggling (which I'm sure he already knows) and you want to see the texts and emails. If he's truly all in, he'll provide them.

 

If not, stuck now in this limbo for 8 months, you could be feeling this way for the next 8 years...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sandy43]

Given sufficient motivation, that which was deleted can often be restored or sourced elsewhere. Tell you're struggling (which I'm sure he already knows) and you want to see the texts and emails. If he's truly all in, he'll provide them.

 

If not, stuck now in this limbo for 8 months, you could be feeling this way for the next 8 years...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We went through that shortly after dday, I ended up crashing his work laptop searching it non stop for details, I used Dr. Fone on his iphone but all it showed was a phone log, no messages as they used an app (that had been deleted on dday). The email address they used to communicate was cancelled also, i had him reactivate it so I could get into it but there was absolutely nothing left in any folders. I guess this is why i still struggle from time to time (not everyday). I wish I would have found LS while I was investigating, I would probably have got more evidence before it all got deleted. I eventually had to give up searching and asking him the same questions repeatedly to try to move on as it was only hurting me and making R impossible. I think I am just having a bad day today, thankfully it's not everyday anymore, I had a trigger last night and I guess it's gonna take more time to get over then I expected.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for the responses, I realize that 8 months is a relatively short time and I know that it will take more time. He is completely transparent and has been since dday, I think when I read about others situations (how some people continue their A underground and pine for their AP's and continue to decieve after dday etc) it makes me start to wonder if he could be doing something like that eventhough he would have to be houdini to get anything by me at this point.

BH I have a hard time with that myself but I do know that he never worked late, and was with me after work and on the weekends so I think it didn't progress that far however I think that it was heading that way and there was no opportunity for it to happen. He swears (of course) that the only physical contact between them was kissing a few times (which was at work) and she confirmed this, he offered to take a polygraph without me asking. I didn't make him take one because of the cost and after reading about them and hearing that they weren't always reliable I found that it was not worth the cost if I wasn't going to be 100% sure I could trust the results.

 

I agree that the poly is kind of a waste. Sometimes you do get the "parking lot confession" but otherwise, there's a good amount of scientific consensus that they're not...scientific.

 

Were there opportunities to leave work mid-day, even for "lunch?" My wife and her boss were middle-level managers and were able to successfully have "meetings" away from the office once a week or so and it went on for a good year. I found reservations for 60-70 mid-day hotel stays. I was obviously fooled for a good year.

[Sandy43]

I agree that the poly is kind of a waste. Sometimes you do get the "parking lot confession" but otherwise, there's a good amount of scientific consensus that they're not...scientific.

 

Were there opportunities to leave work mid-day, even for "lunch?" My wife and her boss were middle-level managers and were able to successfully have "meetings" away from the office once a week or so and it went on for a good year. I found reservations for 60-70 mid-day hotel stays. I was obviously fooled for a good year.

 

They worked for seperate companies that did business with each other, she then went to work elsewhere. She then started to visit him at work, he said they would sit in the parking lot (which has a security guard and is monitored with cameras). Given his occupation (which for anonymity sake I will keep private) he is a key person on the job site so he could not venture very far or for very long. However can I say with 100% confidence that it couldn't have happened, no I can't. I just think it would have been difficult to arrange time during work hours. I did try to bluff her in an email and said that he confessed to me that they had been physical and she lost it and said that he was f'ing lying. Dday was on a Tuesday and then I found out she was trying to get him to go out with her on the Friday as he was off that day and so was she, I think that is when it would have turned physical had I not found out that week but of course he says no he never would have had sex with her (ya right).

[flowergirl14]

I highly doubt it was just an ea. Coworkers who have an affair will hook up on lunch hour, in parking lots, parks etc. Not to mention just because someone says they are going to work doesnt mean they actually are. Keep your eyes open. This woman may be out of the picture but good chance there could be another in the future.

[Sandy43]

I highly doubt it was just an ea. Coworkers who have an affair will hook up on lunch hour, in parking lots, parks etc. Not to mention just because someone says they are going to work doesnt mean they actually are. Keep your eyes open. This woman may be out of the picture but good chance there could be another in the future.

 

I have learned to never say never, and that anything is possible.

[privategal]

I highly doubt it was just an ea. Coworkers who have an affair will hook up on lunch hour, in parking lots, parks etc. Not to mention just because someone says they are going to work doesnt mean they actually are. Keep your eyes open. This woman may be out of the picture but good chance there could be another in the future.

 

Not true at all...my EA lasted for years with a coworker...while we did express desires we never once had sex even when alone...even by cars ...we didnt make it a pa...we kept that boundary even though we expressed love and had chemistry we loved our spouses and didnt let it get to that. We wanted to but kept the line.

Our meetups were about friendship...we were more apt to discuss racier subjects online but it was all fantasy.

I liked his wife so I blocked her out...we were super compartmentalized...didnt think of spouses..just our own selfish needs of validation, ego strokes and feeling wanted I guess.

[privategal]

I have learned to never say never, and that anything is possible.

 

Sandy my LONG term EA was only weak for affection but even at the height of our most intense "love" he abruptly cut it off after years of talking every day cause he was wracked with guilt and loved his wife alot. Not all aps want to cheat and he didnt and I didnt but just got caught up and carried away. My husband also cheated with photos of many women but his love and desire for the marriage helped me decide he was through with that. I never check his phone or pc cause I wanna trust and be happy and realize weakness for the opposite sex is a human flaw but never changed my strong love for him or his for me.

If Im burnt again...or he is since I was in EA then so be it...we cross that bridge likely to divorce...but for now...Im gonna focus on loving him. Its worth it! And Im worth it and YOU are worth it!

[Marc878]

Trust unconditionally. No

[ladydesigner]

I'm not reconciled but no the trust has never come back.

[BetrayedH]

They worked for seperate companies that did business with each other, she then went to work elsewhere. She then started to visit him at work, he said they would sit in the parking lot (which has a security guard and is monitored with cameras). Given his occupation (which for anonymity sake I will keep private) he is a key person on the job site so he could not venture very far or for very long. However can I say with 100% confidence that it couldn't have happened, no I can't. I just think it would have been difficult to arrange time during work hours. I did try to bluff her in an email and said that he confessed to me that they had been physical and she lost it and said that he was f'ing lying. Dday was on a Tuesday and then I found out she was trying to get him to go out with her on the Friday as he was off that day and so was she, I think that is when it would have turned physical had I not found out that week but of course he says no he never would have had sex with her (ya right).

 

Thanks for the response. Tough situation. You'll probably never "know." That's a big sh|t sandwich to choke down.

 

I think you've come back full circle to "trust but verify" and looking for those "consistent actions over time." I don't see anything wrong with continuing to make an attempt to reconcile. But always keep in mind that if it all just becomes too much, don't hesitate to change that decision. That's his consequence - that this could be a dealbreaker for you now or in the future. He was in the driver's seat during the affair; now you're the one in the driver's seat.

[Sandy43]

Thank you all for your responses, I guess that it will take more time and him continuing to be transparent and maybe from there I can trust a little.

[Red123]

Thank you all for your responses, I guess that it will take more time and him continuing to be transparent and maybe from there I can trust a little.

 

I think it will take a lot more time and yes his efforts have to be there. I wanted everything back immediately when we decided to reconcile, but after some time I realized it doesn't work that way. I am almost 2 years from Dday and the trust is definitely coming back. He has and is still working very hard to prove I should trust him. We also have a really good MC and that is helping us move forward too. We tried MC at the beginning and had a counsellor who wasn't a fit, and we weren't ready. Now further from the intense pain we are able to really look at our relationship. I wish you the best.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you all for your responses, I guess that it will take more time and him continuing to be transparent and maybe from there I can trust a little.

 

Keep looking for the signs that he's truly remorseful as well. From the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things Every WS Needs to Know, is he doing all of those things? Does he fit the bill of a truly remorseful wayward spouse? If so, I think you can justify making a continued effort. If not, I think you're just continually sending him the wrong message that you'll accept unacceptable behavior.

 

You also have to look at yourself and decide if you can eventually be a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. It's a difficult dance. We all talk about how the wayward has to "do all of the heavy lifting." But while they can't ever be the one to say it, the reality is that the real heavy lifting is on the BS to eventually "get over it."

 

It's a tall order. I think those that are truly and happily reconciled are rare. And I think if you can't get both of you to those positions, you're just doing both of you a disservice. But some do make it. Just look closely at both of you and make the best decisions you can.

[Celestial-dreamer]

I now trust no one....seriously. It's been THAT bad for me in the 3 long term relationships i've had. All 3 of them screwed me over either mentally, physically or emotionally. It must be me, only thing I can blame it on.

 

One of my ex told me I wasn't worth anything to anyone, I am the one who people go with because they can't get anyone else or they are just waiting for a someone else better to come along. Also said they were too embarrassed to be seen out with me. Thanks for that. He was physically abusive, pinned me against a wall hands around my throat with my feet off the floor, hit me and bit me. Tried to stab me too. It was my fault apparently. Not just a one time thing either, I eventually stood up for myself and got out.

 

Another turned out to be a pathological liar, they were oh so convincing.

 

The other one tried to rape me, that was awful, how I managed to get away i'll never know.

 

I'm done with relationships. Over and out. And i'm only 41. Sucks.