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Hello, I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Earlier this year, I found out that my wife cheated on me after a rather large argument. I had been in a crummy mood because a couple of days earlier, I had found out that she had worked with an ex-lover for several months without telling me. I forgave, but was upset, so her natural response to this was to cheat on me with this very individual, and 2 others, one whom I also had a problem with her talking to prior. It's an interesting story, but I'll try to keep it short.

 

Anyhow, when I dug around for an entire month, she finally revealed to me that she did in fact cheat, but never had sex. There was just kissing, and the men pleasured her with their hands. Later on, after more pushing, I realised that two of them exposed themselves but there was no physical contact. I've asked her repeatedly to give me the full details, and most importantly if she had any additional physical contact (sexual intercourse, oral, etc) and she says no.

 

I'm six months in, and still healing, but I still find it hard to believe. I would like to know the readers' opinions, whether good or bad. If you need any additional details to fill in any gaps I may have left, please let me know in your responses. Thanks in advance to all of you.

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Jacob_Duluoz

Why do you believe what she says? Why would you believe what she says? She was disloyal to you with 3 other men because you were reasonably concerned about her having close contact with an ex-lover. That's a very immature reaction to an understandable disagreement. There must be other issues her beyond the physical act. You should either take a very hard look at whether or not you are prepared to rebuild a relationship with someone who has incredibly disrespected you or consider divorce. I hope there are not children in this relationship.

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I appreciate your response. Nope, no children, thank God. I'm not sure why I believe her (partially). She says things were not good, and in a subtle way blamed me for a while. She has come around a bit since then, but it's still trash. She was flirting with these guys months before any of this happened, and lying right to my face. She allowa me to look at all her texts and everything now, and says she wouldn't blame me for wanting to leave. However, she ensures me that she wants to fix things and wants to be with me. I just feel like she's lying about the extent of the relations (sex, oral, blah blah). You know, it's like, if you lied right to my face with a sparkle in your eye a million times before, how do I know you're not lying about this one last detail to protect yourself from divorce? I'm not sure, but I appreciate your response. I'm 28 and she's 23 if that's of any relevance here.

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Just so I am understanding....she worked with a former lover without telling you. The two of you had an argument, and her response was to have physical/sexual interaction with not 1 but THREE other men. She then trickle truthed you at least twice about the details.

 

It is no wonder you are struggling. Number one - what crappy coping skills over an argument! Number two - she has already revised her story more than once.

 

What has she done, if anything, to prove her transparency, remorse, and desire to be honest?

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She is NOT telling you the truth.....not all of it. Read lots of threads here. Trickle truth. You will get bits and pieces as the days go by.

 

 

As hard as it may be to take, if she let the guy "pleasure her" manually, you can bet he did not only do that. It does not work that way -- think about it.

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ShatteredLady

Hi. I'm so sorry. I know the pain of betrayal & it's beyond words!! Will you explain what happened? You had that (very understandable) fight. Did she storm out, go to a bar to meet the ex lover? Was it a 'crazy' weekend or were these long term relationships one after the other? how long did this period of cheating go on for? We're the emails emotional? Did it read like affairs, deep connections or were they sex & titillation?

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And you want to stay married to this is person because...? Three different guys? Sorry man, time to find an attorney.

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Yeah, that's pretty much what happened. You are correct. She has been more transparent. I have access to everything. She has shown some serious signs of remorse, and has cried repeatedly. It is very difficult to get her to talk about it though. Sometimes we talk, sometimes she's not willing, or withdraws herself as soon as the questions get tough. I mean she's improved as the months (7 months approximately) have gone by, but I'm still not satisfied. It's that damn trickle truth you mentioned that has got me into an obsessive behavior of questioning the truth of everything. She makes me question whether I am being reasonable or not. For example, if I ask her, "Did you really not have sex with any of them?" She'll say something like she can't believe I would think that of her, or that's disgusting, or it's sad that I would think so lowly of her. Given the facts, I can't tell when I should let up and believe that she's told me everything and that all the trickling is tapped out.

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She is NOT telling you the truth.....not all of it. Read lots of threads here. Trickle truth. You will get bits and pieces as the days go by.

 

 

As hard as it may be to take, if she let the guy "pleasure her" manually, you can bet he did not only do that. It does not work that way -- think about it.

 

You're absolutely right NotCamelot. There's got to be some reciprocation there. I just wish I knew how to get it out of her.

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The thing is this: If you want to and if you think the two of you can fix this and make it work, then you probably don't want to know any more than you do. You will never un-hear or un-learn what may come next.....and you will never forget any of it.

 

 

And, if you can't continue with her, what difference will it make anyway? If life, there are many things we are better off not knowing.

 

 

Usually, wondering will never hurt as much as knowing.

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Yeah, that's pretty much what happened. You are correct. She has been more transparent. I have access to everything. She has shown some serious signs of remorse, and has cried repeatedly. It is very difficult to get her to talk about it though. Sometimes we talk, sometimes she's not willing, or withdraws herself as soon as the questions get tough. I mean she's improved as the months (7 months approximately) have gone by, but I'm still not satisfied. It's that damn trickle truth you mentioned that has got me into an obsessive behavior of questioning the truth of everything. She makes me question whether I am being reasonable or not. For example, if I ask her, "Did you really not have sex with any of them?" She'll say something like she can't believe I would think that of her, or that's disgusting, or it's sad that I would think so lowly of her. Given the facts, I can't tell when I should let up and believe that she's told me everything and that all the trickling is tapped out.

 

I have read before that one sign that someone is lying can be when they do not directly answer your question or they question you back. If she answers your question about having sex with "how can you think that" or something like that, it could mean she is dodging or evading the question.

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Hi. I'm so sorry. I know the pain of betrayal & it's beyond words!! Will you explain what happened? You had that (very understandable) fight. Did she storm out, go to a bar to meet the ex lover? Was it a 'crazy' weekend or were these long term relationships one after the other? how long did this period of cheating go on for? We're the emails emotional? Did it read like affairs, deep connections or were they sex & titillation?

 

Yeah I would be more than happy to explain. It'll be a bit long though, so brace yourself. I am by all means not a perfect guy. I kiss her ass, and I never speak up when I should to keep the peace. This builds up, so when we do argue I get really upset and frustrated. Of course, I am always wrong, she is always right, and anything I say during an argument is interrupting or yelling. That out of the way. About a year and a half ago, she had been talking to a coworker. I realized she deleted a couple of messages about her a really good dancer blah blah, and I got pissed. I went through everything she had, and I finally broked down, told her to never do it again, and that it was all okay. However, right before I found out she cheated, I found out that she had been not only working with an ex-fling, but also flirting and texting guys like crazy. After the big argument in late January, she went to work the next day, and over the course of that few days, cheated on me with three different guys (last guy twice, totaling four episodes). On the episode before the last, I was expecting her to pick me up from my night class. She didn't show up, didn't answer, and finally said she was with a friend. I got pissed, didn't trust her, and started to walk home. When she finally picked me up on the way, I told her that I was angry and that I had many questions, but since our last argument I wanted to be a better man, and therefore I would forget about it. Well, the next day I looked at the phone records when she was out at school and realized she had been talking with the guy from a year and a half ago that night. Instead of confronting her, I waited until she got home. She told me she had just been flirting after a lot of pressure, and it took me an entire month aftert that of building evidence for her to finally admit that she was cheating, not flirting. Sadly, part of the trickle truth I received later was that on the night I was going to confront her with phone records, she was out cheating on me then, which makes the 4th episode I was talking about. What pisses me off about that is that it was after incident of leaving me stranded at school. She says it wasn't her intention on the last one. The guy just took advantage of her that time, but it still hurts like a bitch, because I had already shown good faith in not grilling her for leaving me stranded. Sorry, such a long confusing story, but I hope that helps.

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So 6 months after you finding out she cheated you, she allows you to check her phone and messages?

 

I may have stated that incorrectly. Since I found out about the cheating in early March, I have had full access to everything.

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As bad as what she did was, knowing how upset you are if she really didn't have sex with them flat out saying no As often as you need to hear it shouldn't be that tough. Because she isn't saying that, I would have a hard time forgiving her & moving forward with a reconciliation even if her behavior is transparent now.

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The thing is this: If you want to and if you think the two of you can fix this and make it work, then you probably don't want to know any more than you do. You will never un-hear or un-learn what may come next.....and you will never forget any of it.

 

 

And, if you can't continue with her, what difference will it make anyway? If life, there are many things we are better off not knowing.

 

 

Usually, wondering will never hurt as much as knowing.

 

I suppose you're right NotCamelot. It's just a bitch to follow that advice sometimes.

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I have read before that one sign that someone is lying can be when they do not directly answer your question or they question you back. If she answers your question about having sex with "how can you think that" or something like that, it could mean she is dodging or evading the question.

 

Interesting you mention that, because I read the same thing somewhere. It's nice to hear a confirmation on it. It's such a delicate process. I've thought of bluffing her in some way to get the truth, but if she calls my bluff on that specific instance, I'll never be able to use that tactic again, and I'm afriad maybe that's an unreasonable approach.

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understand50
You're absolutely right NotCamelot. There's got to be some reciprocation there. I just wish I knew how to get it out of her.

 

OK, I think you have set up a paradox where you are not going to get the truth.

 

Here it is, "tell me what really happened, oh by the way if you had sex, I am divorcing you" You are going to get "I did not have sex" every time, no matter what really happened.

 

So, if you want the unvarnished truth, you are going to have to take divorce off the table. You could say, "I want to make this work, I want to forgive you, but I need to really know what I am forgiving. Divorce is off the table, we will work it out, but I need to know what are problems are. " Make your reconciling about having the whole truth. Have her read the thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know You should read it as well, so you are both on the same page. You are going to get trickled truth, until she sees that the only way forward and the only way to have a chance to keep you is by being honest.

 

You have to ask yourself if you know what the whole truth is, will you want to stay married to her? If you do not, if she had sex, you should break up now, as you have all the information you will need. In my opinion, she had sex with these guys, the question for you is can you forgive her?

 

I wish you luck

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Schedule a polygraph test the tell her when the appointment is.

 

 

WW's rarely tell the whole truth.

Edited by road
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You're absolutely right NotCamelot. There's got to be some reciprocation there. I just wish I knew how to get it out of her.

 

It is really very simple.

 

 

Book an appointment to have her take a polygraph test.

 

 

Don't tell her until you are in the parking lot.

 

 

You might get a confession in the parking lot you might not.

 

 

No matter what make sure she goes through with it.

 

 

THat is how you get it out of her.

 

 

HM

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OK, I think you have set up a paradox where you are not going to get the truth.

 

Here it is, "tell me what really happened, oh by the way if you had sex, I am divorcing you" You are going to get "I did not have sex" every time, no matter what really happened.

 

So, if you want the unvarnished truth, you are going to have to take divorce off the table. You could say, "I want to make this work, I want to forgive you, but I need to really know what I am forgiving. Divorce is off the table, we will work it out, but I need to know what are problems are. " Make your reconciling about having the whole truth. Have her read the thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know You should read it as well, so you are both on the same page. You are going to get trickled truth, until she sees that the only way forward and the only way to have a chance to keep you is by being honest.

 

You have to ask yourself if you know what the whole truth is, will you want to stay married to her? If you do not, if she had sex, you should break up now, as you have all the information you will need. In my opinion, she had sex with these guys, the question for you is can you forgive her?

 

I wish you luck

 

Thanks for the very thoughtful response. I have actually read that post. She does not really read any of those other than when I first found out. She just distances herself from the whole thing now. I don't even ask her to read stuff anymore. I never explicitly told her that divorce would be the outcome if there was sex, but she might know how serious I may take it just from hearing me talk about things over the years.

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It is really very simple.

 

 

Book an appointment to have her take a polygraph test.

 

 

Don't tell her until you are in the parking lot.

 

 

You might get a confession in the parking lot you might not.

 

 

No matter what make sure she goes through with it.

 

 

THat is how you get it out of her.

 

 

HM

 

Haha, I can't help but laugh at how genius you and road's idea is. I may actually do that. Thanks for the response.

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Hello, I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Earlier this year, I found out that my wife cheated on me after a rather large argument. I had been in a crummy mood because a couple of days earlier, I had found out that she had worked with an ex-lover for several months without telling me. I forgave, but was upset, so her natural response to this was to cheat on me with this very individual, and 2 others, one whom I also had a problem with her talking to prior. It's an interesting story, but I'll try to keep it short.

 

Anyhow, when I dug around for an entire month, she finally revealed to me that she did in fact cheat, but never had sex. There was just kissing, and the men pleasured her with their hands. Later on, after more pushing, I realised that two of them exposed themselves but there was no physical contact. I've asked her repeatedly to give me the full details, and most importantly if she had any additional physical contact (sexual intercourse, oral, etc) and she says no.

 

I'm six months in, and still healing, but I still find it hard to believe. I would like to know the readers' opinions, whether good or bad. If you need any additional details to fill in any gaps I may have left, please let me know in your responses. Thanks in advance to all of you.

 

 

Ok man. I highlighted a few things there. Read over the highlighted parts again.

 

It doesn't matter if she's lying or not. But I'm sure she is.

 

What she did goes beyond words like toxic or poisonous and approaches the word evil.

 

You did nothing wrong. You were rightfully upset about something and her reaction was to do the absolute most hurtful thing possible. That's not a coincidence. She has created this situation on her own and it is not by random chance that the guys she cheated with were the same people you didn't want her talking to anymore. She orchestrated this whole thing to cause you the absolute most pain possible. Starting with the lying about her past relationship with the coworker and all the way through her trickle-truth about the actual details of the cheating. She's trying to ruin your relationship. She has (perhaps unconsciously) created the perfect outline for how to ruin your life and now she's following it step by step until your life is in shambles.

 

This isn't an innocent mistake and her trying to fix it. She's not a good person. Or maybe she hates you or the marriage and wants out but doesn't have the courage to leave.

 

She's poison. Get out.

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Haha, I can't help but laugh at how genius you and road's idea is. I may actually do that. Thanks for the response.

 

Its an old idea but it actually works well. You see wayward spouses like to control you and the marriage by controlling information. Just bringing up a poly in many cases will open them up to giving you more information.

 

For me in hindsight, I wouldn't play those games, I would go right for the jugular simply because the "hunt" for the truth can take months even years. After 14 months of crap from my wife I filed for divorce, within hours of her being served I got all the information I had wanted for the past 14 months.

 

I just wish I had done it in the first week of it becoming clear to me that she had an affair. Would have saved me a lot of stress and pain.

 

Women respond to strong actions, because of this you have to be willing to lose her in order to save your marriage and prevent it in the future.

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