Dorotha Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 The MM I have been with for 4 years left after 2 and it's been a push and pull relationship ever since. Right after he left he was happy and excited about his future and us but after about a month and after he moved in to his own place things got really hard and they have stayed there ever since, except for the great moments we have after he pushes me away and I go NC and then he would come back and be the man I wanted him to be. I guess the question I have is how can you have a normal, respectful and loving relationship with someone that you've gone through so much pain and suffering with? I will try to share as much of a back story as I can if anyone is interested. Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 You cant ,it started with a lie, your being lied to by him right now i hope you dont think your to only women in his life 1 Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 You also have to realize your relationships is real now not a fantasy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Phaux Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I imagine your MM's wife asked herself the very same thing... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 The MM I have been with for 4 years left after 2 and it's been a push and pull relationship ever since. Right after he left he was happy and excited about his future and us but after about a month and after he moved in to his own place things got really hard and they have stayed there ever since, except for the great moments we have after he pushes me away and I go NC and then he would come back and be the man I wanted him to be. I guess the question I have is how can you have a normal, respectful and loving relationship with someone that you've gone through so much pain and suffering with? I will try to share as much of a back story as I can if anyone is interested. How can anyone have a *normal, respectable* relationship with someone who's MARRIED to someone else?? Really...silly question. Did he leave his wife for you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dorotha Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 He left because of his own reasons but I'm sure our relationship was a catalyst for the timing of it all. There are people that realize that they probably shouldn't have married their parter in the first place and there are people like us who don't have the backbone to leave first and then start a relationship but get into a deceitful, crazy mess but want to make something good out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 The MM I have been with for 4 years left after 2 and it's been a push and pull relationship ever since. Right after he left he was happy and excited about his future and us but after about a month and after he moved in to his own place things got really hard and they have stayed there ever since, except for the great moments we have after he pushes me away and I go NC and then he would come back and be the man I wanted him to be. I guess the question I have is how can you have a normal, respectful and loving relationship with someone that you've gone through so much pain and suffering with? I will try to share as much of a back story as I can if anyone is interested. How can you expect a normal and loving relationship with someone that has lied and decieved his wife for the past 4 years? Do you actually think that this is a good man? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Well, I went from an affair with my h (I was single) to him leaving his w. We stayed together for the entire thing. There are things I have posted numerous times on what we did but will just touch on the major things that mattered. When he left, he lived on his own and we dated exclusively. We had to morph our relationship from being a secret to an open one. We had to just get to know the new relationship. We went to ic and cc which really helped us to forgive ourselves and make sure we were on solid ground. Then, we moved in together, all the while being transparent, making sure our communication was the most important thing. We have a wonderful relationship and I have never been more happy, but I think like any relationship it takes work. There is no push pull with us and if you are unhappy enough to go NC several times then you are not ready to be in a relationship with him... or else he isn't. It IS possible to have a happily ever after, but it takes commitment and work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 You cant ,it started with a lie, your being lied to by him right now i hope you dont think your to only women in his life This is a pretty big leap and really not a fair assessment. It sounds more like projection. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I also want to say that our affair was short, less than a year. I think that is part of the reason we were ok... it was our intent to be together from the beginning and we worked toward it from the beginning, no future faking, no lies (of course he omitted to his ex wife, but never to me). This was also a first and last affair for both of us. I think all of this matters too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I also want to say that our affair was short, less than a year. I think that is part of the reason we were ok... it was our intent to be together from the beginning and we worked toward it from the beginning, no future faking, no lies (of course he omitted to his ex wife, but never to me). This was also a first and last affair for both of us. I think all of this matters too. Seems your MM at the time had already decided he wanted to leave his M, not too sure about OP's MM though. He doesn't seem to want to commit to her. He seems to be playing with her, she is there when HE wants her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dorotha Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 That is true, I'm always there when he needs me and I've tried to give him space when I felt he needed it but I can't ignore the fact that he's not treated me very nicely in the past couple of months, but he's also been honest that he needs to deal with the end of his marriage and start his own life and make his own friends and not just latch on to me and my friends. They all know about him but very few people in his life besides his dad and one or two friends know about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 How has his wife taken the ending? did he tell her about the A? Maybe she's having a hard time letting go, does he feel guilty? Is he now realising he has his freedom back and won't commit just yet? Will you be able to wait while he plays the field (if he is) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dorotha Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 They did MC for a couple of months after he left so they could get closure but when she realized he didn't want to try again she's the one that ended CC and said it was time for divorce, being the cad that he can be he did try to lay some of the blame on me for the situation and her pain and it was very hurtful and I still stayed by his side, pathetic I know. They have a kid and he did try to go back a couple of months ago but his plead was more about getting the family back together than about the love for her so she decided against it, I've never met her but through the one common friend that we have she seems to be moving on and they still talk and are friendly and good in front of the kid. But he's clear that he's not ready to tell her about me or his kid and I've been pushing for us being out and he pushed me away. I'm trying to heal and forgive myself for this situation and my blame in his family falling apart so at this point I'm not waiting for him anymore but have a tiny nagging hope that he forgives himself and tries to be a good man and apologizes to me and is ready to be transparent and up for going into CC with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 That is true, I'm always there when he needs me and I've tried to give him space when I felt he needed it but I can't ignore the fact that he's not treated me very nicely in the past couple of months One obvious possibility is that he's not currently as vested in the relationship as you are. He may have needed it as transitional help and support to leave the marriage but, now that he's out, it has served its purpose. Shelf life might be over... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 They did MC for a couple of months after he left so they could get closure but when she realized he didn't want to try again she's the one that ended CC and said it was time for divorce, being the cad that he can be he did try to lay some of the blame on me for the situation and her pain and it was very hurtful and I still stayed by his side, pathetic I know. They have a kid and he did try to go back a couple of months ago but his plead was more about getting the family back together than about the love for her so she decided against it, I've never met her but through the one common friend that we have she seems to be moving on and they still talk and are friendly and good in front of the kid. But he's clear that he's not ready to tell her about me or his kid and I've been pushing for us being out and he pushed me away. I'm trying to heal and forgive myself for this situation and my blame in his family falling apart so at this point I'm not waiting for him anymore but have a tiny nagging hope that he forgives himself and tries to be a good man and apologizes to me and is ready to be transparent and up for going into CC with me. Yikes you have a child with this spineless chump?? Don't count on anything from this man, he only cares about himself and he has proved his to you by refusing to aknowledge what he's done. Why do you think you deserve to be treated like rubbish?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dorotha Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 He has a child with his ex, I don't have kids myself. He is however spineless but anger won't get anyone anywhere, just here to vent and share my story. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 He's not really a MM anymore....he's single and free of a wife, right? So he has had 2 years to come and be with you, yet it's been a constant push and pull and has been hard for you the whole time post-divorce. (Are you positive he's truly divorced?) Regardless of what's truly going on with his ex(?)-wife, I hope you can look at him with a clear eye. Sure, maybe some A's can turn into viable r/s. Doesn't appear this one can though.... Sorry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) They did MC for a couple of months after he left so they could get closure but when she realized he didn't want to try again she's the one that ended CC and said it was time for divorce, being the cad that he can be he did try to lay some of the blame on me for the situation and her pain and it was very hurtful and I still stayed by his side, pathetic I know. They have a kid and he did try to go back a couple of months ago but his plead was more about getting the family back together than about the love for her so she decided against it, I've never met her but through the one common friend that we have she seems to be moving on and they still talk and are friendly and good in front of the kid. But he's clear that he's not ready to tell her about me or his kid and I've been pushing for us being out and he pushed me away. I'm trying to heal and forgive myself for this situation and my blame in his family falling apart so at this point I'm not waiting for him anymore but have a tiny nagging hope that he forgives himself and tries to be a good man and apologizes to me and is ready to be transparent and up for going into CC with me. So he had an A with you, but still wanted his W, they went to MC, why would he go to MC if he had no intention of staying? (you say once she realised he didn't want to try, that says to me he never told her he didn't) He tried to put some of the blame on you, rightly so i'm afraid, you knew he was married. You ARE part the cause of his wife's pain. No denying that. You also knew they had a child, again, partly your fault that child no longer has daddy at home. Sorry if it sounds harsh but you know that's the truth. Your not 100% to blame. He tried to go back to his W a few months ago? He isn't over her really, to get his family back together? He is now in the realisation stage of what he threw away. His family. He is now seeing his wife happy and moving on, they are talking, they are friends again. Then there's you, waiting in the wings for a bit of sex? Sorry to say this but your nothing to him now. You were an escape at the time. You know it's not a good sign when he still refuses to tell her about you. Why won't he? He knows that will end it with her for sure. Your simply left hanging on, sorry but you know what you need to do. He won't appologise to you, in his eyes he's done nothing wrong. Seriously would you want a man who would betray his wife and child like that? Edited August 26, 2015 by Celestial-dreamer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 The MM I have been with for 4 years left after 2 and it's been a push and pull relationship ever since. Right after he left he was happy and excited about his future and us but after about a month and after he moved in to his own place things got really hard and they have stayed there ever since, except for the great moments we have after he pushes me away and I go NC and then he would come back and be the man I wanted him to be. I guess the question I have is how can you have a normal, respectful and loving relationship with someone that you've gone through so much pain and suffering with? I will try to share as much of a back story as I can if anyone is interested. Forget the Affair aspect of this and look at it merely as a relationship. Here you have a single man, who after 2 years, is not proud of being with you, in fact he is hiding you away. He is periodically trying to get back with his ex, and is blowing hot and cold. If your single friend told you this story about a man she was dating what would you tell her to do? Too many in affairs treat the relationship as "special" and will put up with horrendous treatment, no single women in her right mind would ever tolerate. Time to take off the rosy coloured specs, with their soft focus, romantic view and start looking at this with 20/20, cold, clear vision here. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Forget the Affair aspect of this and look at it merely as a relationship. Here you have a single man, who after 2 years, is not proud of being with you, in fact he is hiding you away. He is periodically trying to get back with his ex, and is blowing hot and cold. If your single friend told you this story about a man she was dating what would you tell her to do? Too many in affairs treat the relationship as "special" and will put up with horrendous treatment, no single women in her right mind would ever tolerate. Time to take off the rosy coloured specs, with their soft focus, romantic view and start looking at this with 20/20, cold, clear vision here. ^^^^^ This. Although I would never accept treatment like this even in an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 He obviously isn't ready to commit to you or anybody else. He needs to be on his own and heal from his marriage and life he once shared with his wife. Focus on you and your life, don't wait for him - put a time limit on this for your own sanity, otherwise you'll be waiting another year or two for someone who is emotionally unavailable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dorotha Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Thank you, that's exactly what's going on. Good days and and bad for me and he has reached out but I'm staying nc and focusing on myself. Trying not to think about him and the past but it's really hard sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 you know, I've only witnessed this type of thing twice, but in both occasions, the MM, left his wife - presumably for the OW - but then realized something.....FREEDOM IS AWESOME! So they found it really hard to move right from one relationship to the next. And believe me, even though you've been "together" with him for years already....it's not the same thing as a real relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dorotha Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Talked to my therapist today and she did say that in the end she thinks that me and the mm are probably more addicted to each other and the drama than really being in love, that's some advice for other ow's out there, try to look as clearly as possible on your situation and see if it really is love... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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