been sad

[privategal]

The saddest part of my A being over is the longing for my friend back.

But deep down lately I see Im not completely healed as the thought of hysterical bonding and the newfound or renewed love I know they're sharing now makes me a little queasy.

 

Sometimes things end awefully for some APs but for me...he tried so HARD to come back as friends and he didn't throw me under the bus but rather kept professing love.

He was in shock when I asked him to please focus on his family and to leave me out of his daily life.

 

If I wrote today he would welcome me back and be so nice but I didn't want to interefere with reconciling nor divide my heart between two men any longer either.

Theres no doubt this painful path of being out of eachothers lives is right, but it doesn't stop the longing for those attachments.

I used to light him up, now she is big time, I know it. And she should, she's his wife, its brutal to miss what could never be and strange to imagine them in love and happy without you in the picture. Especially that hysterical bonding part. Aghhh.

 

Sorry for the vent and my inappropriate thoughts.

Im not reaching out at all.

[DKT3]

The saddest part of my A being over is the longing for my friend back.

But deep down lately I see Im not completely healed as the thought of hysterical bonding and the newfound or renewed love I know they're sharing now makes me a little queasy.

 

Sometimes things end awefully for some APs but for me...he tried so HARD to come back as friends and he didn't throw me under the bus but rather kept professing love.

He was in shock when I asked him to please focus on his family and to leave me out of his daily life.

 

If I wrote today he would welcome me back and be so nice but I didn't want to interefere with reconciling nor divide my heart between two men any longer either.

Theres no doubt this painful path of being out of eachothers lives is right, but it doesn't stop the longing for those attachments.

I used to light him up, now she is big time, I know it. And she should, she's his wife, its brutal to miss what could never be and strange to imagine them in love and happy without you in the picture. Especially that hysterical bonding part. Aghhh.

 

Sorry for the vent and my inappropriate thoughts.

Im not reaching out at all.

 

 

What about your marriage? Your husband?

[qubist]

Seems like another typical MM, MW A. It hard to accept but you were nothing to him but a sexual thing he enjoys outside of his marriage day to day struggle. You should be glad you out of it , what are you doing to move on?

[Try]

What about your marriage? Your husband?

Reading only what the OP wrote on this thread, and not tying the OP to any other threads, I had no idea that the OP was married. No idea at all. Makes me sad for her husband.

[ladydesigner]

The saddest part of my A being over is the longing for my friend back.

 

Gently (((privategal))) with time you will no longer long for your friend. If he was a true friend your A would have never happened in the first place kwim?

A friend does not ask or encourage you to have an A on your spouse.

 

Keep focusing on your BS and your M. You probably should try practicing timing your thoughts (like only giving thoughts to xMM a certain amount of time until eventually you will pay them none). Obviously I hope you aren't expressing any of your grief about xMM to your BS because that would not be fair to him.

 

Don't worry about your MM's M, it shouldn't concern you anymore. NC all the way is what heals. practice giving those thoughts NC too

[Rainbowlove]

PG, the human heart has the ability to love more than one soul - even when we are married.

 

I'm sure that's not a popular opinion here, but oh, well....

 

Don't beat yourself up over loving more than one person.

 

Breathe in and out and take each day as they come. Keep feeling whatever you need to feel to fully heal...you will in time.

 

You're having a minor set back because he recently reached out to you and confided in you, which he shouldn't have done.

 

Please protect yourself better. As much as it hurts, if he ever reaches out to you again, do not engage. It's no good for your health, your heart or your marriage.

 

Strength and peace to you,

 

RL

[privategal]

The saddest part of my A being over is the longing for my friend back.

But deep down lately I see Im not completely healed as the thought of hysterical bonding and the newfound or renewed love I know they're sharing now makes me a little queasy.

 

Sometimes things end awefully for some APs but for me...he tried so HARD to come back as friends and he didn't throw me under the bus but rather kept professing love.

He was in shock when I asked him to please focus on his family and to leave me out of his daily life.

 

If I wrote today he would welcome me back and be so nice but I didn't want to interefere with reconciling nor divide my heart between two men any longer either.

Theres no doubt this painful path of being out of eachothers lives is right, but it doesn't stop the longing for those attachments.

I used to light him up, now she is big time, I know it. And she should, she's his wife, its brutal to miss what could never be and strange to imagine them in love and happy without you in the picture. Especially that hysterical bonding part. Aghhh.

 

Sorry for the vent and my inappropriate thoughts.

Im not reaching out at all.

 

Seems like another typical MM, MW A. It hard to accept but you were nothing to him but a sexual thing he enjoys outside of his marriage day to day struggle. You should be glad you out of it , what are you doing to move on?

Nc...that was initiated by him, rather forced on me, by him abruptly ending our ea. It was nearly 2 decades of friendship that shifted to EA...but I did accept...even moved far away...we didnt speak for 6 months...I was moved on and nust trying to heal...then a delayed DD and he reached out as his wife had discovered photos from a year ago on his pc.

 

He tried hard to reconcile friendship. I couldn't do it. I asked him to please move on and focus on his home life.

But it still really drudged up a friendship that left a huge void.

 

As Rainbow points out, you CAN love more than one person. I did. But it cost me, the price to pay was high.

Its a sad sickening thing when it ends.

[privategal]

What about your marriage? Your husband?

 

As you know, marriage doesn't safeguard the heart from affairs. My husband wasn't innocent either.

But ea is different...a pa you make a choice to get into bed. An ea, you are friends first...the slope is like a hill of snow in a rainstorm and then the ice rain hits it and you slip so fast your in real deep before you get to choose.

The justification and conpartmentalizing after that is easy..."Im not doing anything wrong, we aren't having sex"

Then in the longrun its such a mess and you just long for ONLY the friendship back...but you cant go back.

You just end it all...and lose the friend.

[privategal]

What about your marriage? Your husband?

 

What about him?

We are in love.

I cheated.

We are still in love.

He never found out.

Im never telling (and you KNOW I said that a hundred times on here so u just posted that to invite attacks on me)

Im in withdrawal.

When people are in A they dont think "what about my husband/wife"

We think of OUR needs, we justify, we are in fantasy selfish mode.

[jbrent890]

What about him?

We are in love.

I cheated.

We are still in love.

He never found out.

Im never telling (and you KNOW I said that a hundred times on here so u just posted that to invite attacks on me)

Im in withdrawal.

When people are in A they dont think "what about my husband/wife"

We think of OUR needs, we justify, we are in fantasy selfish mode.

 

I think it is a very valid question to ask considering you are posting in the infidelity section. Not to beat you up, but it seems like you have been "withdrawing" from this guy for a while now. Regardless if you choose to confess or not, you are going to have to figure out how to make sure something like this doesn't happen again. Whats to stop this from continuing if your AP chooses to start things up again. This is just my take away from your posts, but if this guy came back, I think your affair would start back up again. Sorry for the 2x4, but either fix yourself or free your husband. You can only hide behind the "withdrawal" excuse for so long.

[AlwaysGrowing]

For a non-affair relationship...sometimes you can remain friends....if future SO do not feel threatened by the closeness.

 

At the end of the day....neither of you were able to look out for each other's best interest. Neither protected the others character. You both played Russian roulette with the friendship.

 

In life, one is truly, truly blessed to have found one kindred friend soul that spans decades/lifetime. It is rare. Those relationships survive pointing out each other's fault...and calling bulls$&@...on bulls$&@.

 

Your friendship was not like that. There was an undertone of selfishness to it...hence the slippery slope you speak of. Pushing boundaries so far from friendship that one has to point to all kinds of things to justify the poor choices. Make no mistake about it...the slippery slope was a choice....hundreds of them. Moving to a PA is just one choice.....of the many that were made.

 

Your jealousy of possible bonding sex, re attachment of the FMM with his wife..highlights your current selfish friend mode. Of you not understanding friendship boundaries. For if one was a friend...one would be happy for their friend...that their life was more stable.

 

Maybe it is time to gather up the life lessons (some you have already stated), and truly move forward with the new you. The new you has lost some of her innocence...and has more wisdom. Wisdom that can be used in all aspects of life. Start living what you have learned instead of focusing on how you came to learn it.

[qubist]

What about him?

We are in love.

.

.

.

When people are in A they dont think "what about my husband/wife"

We think of OUR needs, we justify, we are in fantasy selfish mode.

 

Wow. if you really love your husband and you understand the fantasy selfish mode of a cheater you should do better than this.

I hope you are working on completely ending that fantasy before i's too late

[DKT3]

What about him?

We are in love.

I cheated.

We are still in love.

He never found out.

Im never telling (and you KNOW I said that a hundred times on here so u just posted that to invite attacks on me)

Im in withdrawal.

When people are in A they dont think "what about my husband/wife"

We think of OUR needs, we justify, we are in fantasy selfish mode.

 

 

No I didn't post that to invite attacks. I posted it for the same reason I asked you months ago.

 

GENTLY, you have never been committed or fully in your marriage. How could you be? You were in love with MM before you got married and continue to the entire time. You have deluted yourself into thinking that this has had no effect on your husband and marriage. How do you know? You have never fully given yourself to the marriage or your husband.

 

Be honest, how would you feel if your husband was in love with another women your whole marriage? Wouldn't you at some point feel that you are only getting half? Wouldn't you feel cheated, like he stole a large part of your life? A part that could have been spent with someone that made you number 1.

 

Even now, some year or so after you've come here you still spend so much time and emotional energy on MM how can you claim to be vested in your marriage?

[privategal]

No I didn't post that to invite attacks. I posted it for the same reason I asked you months ago.

 

GENTLY, you have never been committed or fully in your marriage. How could you be? You were in love with MM before you got married and continue to the entire time. You have deluted yourself into thinking that this has had no effect on your husband and marriage. How do you know? You have never fully given yourself to the marriage or your husband.

 

Be honest, how would you feel if your husband was in love with another women your whole marriage? Wouldn't you at some point feel that you are only getting half? Wouldn't you feel cheated, like he stole a large part of your life? A part that could have been spent with someone that made you number 1.

 

Even now, some year or so after you've come here you still spend so much time and emotional energy on MM how can you claim to be vested in your marriage?

I dont understand how you feel you know the heart and soul of a wife to know how I feel about my H or how committed I am to my M nor how my origional post relates to the subject.

I was well moved on, he contacted me while I was healing and moving on because he had a dday.

My sentiments were that I missed the friendship, not that I was in love, any of the things u state.

Furthermore, in my book...our marriage works, I come home every night, to him gladly.

I show him all my love and attention and we both talk of our feelings, share intimacy and date.

If he isnt number one and my marriage is ruined because I had an attachment to a friend at one time, so be it, but when I stood at the alter, I was in love, I said I do and meant it, I still mean it and put my all in it

(still defending myself as if thats ANY of your business but feel the need to)

I feel okay about my friendship and love to another, and my husband and I once spoke that he will always love his ex.

I believe many (if u look at ashley madison) go out seeking sex, meet in cars and hotel rooms.

As for me, we were friends with no sex, we got in deeper than we knew. We ended it. I dont regret it.

 

If u think beating people over the head with "affairs are wrong, set your spouse free, your a monster" is gonna help, or someone needs reminded to feel guilty or know they crossed a horrible line...have at it...your gonna get carpal tunnel with your constant moral high road posts.

I get it, but u dont know me.

Im a great spouse period.

Marriage and love is not black and white

Mine is as perfect as it can be regardless of my past.

I was looking for feedback from folks who may have been in my shoes, not a pat on the back..thoughts...a bond with folks who have been there.

Who know the pain from the xeap side.

Like Rainbow.

[privategal]

For a non-affair relationship...sometimes you can remain friends....if future SO do not feel threatened by the closeness.

 

At the end of the day....neither of you were able to look out for each other's best interest. Neither protected the others character. You both played Russian roulette with the friendship.

 

In life, one is truly, truly blessed to have found one kindred friend soul that spans decades/lifetime. It is rare. Those relationships survive pointing out each other's fault...and calling bulls$&@...on bulls$&@.

 

Your friendship was not like that. There was an undertone of selfishness to it...hence the slippery slope you speak of. Pushing boundaries so far from friendship that one has to point to all kinds of things to justify the poor choices. Make no mistake about it...the slippery slope was a choice....hundreds of them. Moving to a PA is just one choice.....of the many that were made.

 

Your jealousy of possible bonding sex, re attachment of the FMM with his wife..highlights your current selfish friend mode. Of you not understanding friendship boundaries. For if one was a friend...one would be happy for their friend...that their life was more stable.

 

Maybe it is time to gather up the life lessons (some you have already stated), and truly move forward with the new you. The new you has lost some of her innocence...and has more wisdom. Wisdom that can be used in all aspects of life. Start living what you have learned instead of focusing on how you came to learn it.

 

You are right, this is great insight thank you. Im not over him, but Id not like to revisit it and hope my jealousy of their hysterical bonding is normal human emotion thinking I was once his focus, can no longer be, not seeking to be...I had the chance to have him still in my life. I asked him to move forward without me as I respect the rebuilding things with his wife is where he needs to be 100% with no contact with me.

Doesn't mean Im gonna love the idea.

Thats just honest cause it was a lta...so forgetting our bond will take time.

The ily and imy I heard in these last contacts in an effort to keep me in his life set me back.

AP's miss eachother its real life.

Its nit right nor ideal...but its reality.

[jbrent890]

I dont understand how you feel you know the heart and soul of a wife to know how I feel about my H or how committed I am to my M nor how my origional post relates to the subject.

I was well moved on, he contacted me while I was healing and moving on because he had a dday.

My sentiments were that I missed the friendship, not that I was in love, any of the things u state.

Furthermore, in my book...our marriage works, I come home every night, to him gladly.

I show him all my love and attention and we both talk of our feelings, share intimacy and date.

If he isnt number one and my marriage is ruined because I had an attachment to a friend at one time, so be it, but when I stood at the alter, I was in love, I said I do and meant it, I still mean it and put my all in it

(still defending myself as if thats ANY of your business but feel the need to)

I feel okay about my friendship and love to another, and my husband and I once spoke that he will always love his ex.

I believe many (if u look at ashley madison) go out seeking sex, meet in cars and hotel rooms.

As for me, we were friends with no sex, we got in deeper than we knew. We ended it. I dont regret it.

 

If u think beating people over the head with "affairs are wrong, set your spouse free, your a monster" is gonna help, or someone needs reminded to feel guilty or know they crossed a horrible line...have at it...your gonna get carpal tunnel with your constant moral high road posts.

I get it, but u dont know me.

Im a great spouse period.

Marriage and love is not black and white

Mine is as perfect as it can be regardless of my past.

I was looking for feedback from folks who may have been in my shoes, not a pat on the back..thoughts...a bond with folks who have been there.

Who know the pain from the xeap side.

Like Rainbow.

 

I'm not going lie, this post is very scary to me. There is a lot of justification going on here. Not only do you not regret your affair, you feel that because you came home to your husband (most people that cheat do) it makes it okay. I truly am stunned at this post. IMO you need a D Day. Not because your husband should be set free, but because of your attitude towards your affair and marriage are pitiful. I'm pretty sure when you husband said "I do" to you, he did not sign up for a wife that loved another man for decades. I'm sorry but I don't care what you say to yourself, good spouses don't cheat on their partners for years and not even regret doing it.

[privategal]

I'm not going lie, this post is very scary to me. There is a lot of justification going on here. Not only do you not regret your affair, you feel that because you came home to your husband (most people that cheat do) it makes it okay. I truly am stunned at this post. IMO you need a D Day. Not because your husband should be set free, but because of your attitude towards your affair and marriage are pitiful. I'm pretty sure when you husband said "I do" to you, he did not sign up for a wife that loved another man for decades. I'm sorry but I don't care what you say to yourself, good spouses don't cheat on their partners for years and not even regret doing it.

 

I still feel the same and stand by my sentiments in basic terms as I am not without zero regrets but spelling them out wont matter here, regular LS posters know when we need to get our feelings out, maybe in hopes of finding some peace or comfort, that people here will come knives pointed too. It hurts when we get the firing squad, in many ways its merited, however people who are or were involved in A already live their own personal hell and already face all their OWN judgements on themselves so your only staying what I alreafy feel.

And heres some more justification.

We were friends for multiple decades, the EA did not go on that long the friendship did. We were not involved in that way when we got married, the EA sprung up years later.

It also did not last throughout the entire course, we ended many times...we fell back trying to regroup how the friendship was in the beginning. We werent strong enough in our resolve we were Both justifying and in affair fog

Thanks for your thoughts.

People who had affairs arent bad people or at least not all of them, I'll always believe that.

If u knew my husbands misdeeds you may not see him as such a victim but I forgave and love him and love our marriage. Also not saying it makes it ok either.

My a has been over for a long time. Sadness lingers.

Edited August 22, 2015 by privategal

[AlwaysGrowing]

You are right, this is great insight thank you. Im not over him, but Id not like to revisit it and hope my jealousy of their hysterical bonding is normal human emotion thinking I was once his focus, can no longer be, not seeking to be...I had the chance to have him still in my life. I asked him to move forward without me as I respect the rebuilding things with his wife is where he needs to be 100% with no contact with me.

Doesn't mean Im gonna love the idea.

Thats just honest cause it was a lta...so forgetting our bond will take time.

The ily and imy I heard in these last contacts in an effort to keep me in his life set me back.

AP's miss eachother its real life.

Its nit right nor ideal...but its reality.

 

 

Reality is what you make....that is the wisdom you should learn.

 

We are all much more powerful than fate/happenstance/it's the way things are....we really are.

 

We can process and move forward without looking back....or if we do look back...we have worked on the issues that got us there and no longer recognize the I that we were then. Any negative judgements do not belong the the current I, so we are able to judge our former selves from this different vantage point. It no longer hurts or belongs to I.

 

It isn't enough to just work on being present in your marriage. You need to be fully present with you. If you want this to fully over...then work on it being fully over for you...not you and the XMM.

 

You do sound as if you have some of it figured out...just keep the focus on you.....the rewards are worth it.

[m.snow]

If he isnt number one and my marriage is ruined because I had an attachment to a friend at one time, "SO BE IT!"

.

 

So much selfishness!

why not tell him the truth?

you don't care if you hurt him by continuing to lie.?

 

i don't know you, you don't know me! good so i will post. since you posted here on infidelity forum.

 

hear the pain of those who were betrayed by cheating people like you.

understand that your post trigger people here and they will reply in kind.

 

why wont you let your husband go. and have him find a person that truly loves him.

its not loving other people that's the problem its the "lies".

 

justify your cheating,

-because he loves his ex. (two wrongs don't make a right, no matter what you say.)

-we were just friends

-i come home to my husband (last time i checked so did every other cheater.)

 

you talk about morals.

your old enough to know whats right and whats wrong!

yet you continue to do the wrong thing.

 

people are not stupid, they just do their best to be!

 

 

If u think beating people over the head with "affairs are wrong, set your spouse free, your a monster" is gonna help, or someone needs reminded to feel guilty or know they crossed a horrible line...have at it...your gonna get carpal tunnel with your constant moral high road posts.

.

 

rather have carpal tunnel syndrome doing whats right. than you having CTS for justifying your cheating!

 

many will remind you again and again that cheating is always wrong. so long as you live in a society with morals you have to accept that fact.

Edited August 22, 2015 by m.snow

[Popsicle]

I respect a WS's decision not to tell their BS of the A, but in such cases, I think it's the WS duty to not only deliberately and forcefully squash any thought or temptation to pine for the xAP, but to double time their efforts to improve their marriage.

[road]

Reading only what the OP wrote on this thread, and not tying the OP to any other threads, I had no idea that the OP was married. No idea at all. Makes me sad for her husband.

 

 

Another example of how it usually better to stay on the original thread instead of starting a new thread.

[privategal]

So much selfishness!

why not tell him the truth?

you don't care if you hurt him by continuing to lie.?

 

i don't know you, you don't know me! good so i will post. since you posted here on infidelity forum.

 

hear the pain of those who were betrayed by cheating people like you.

understand that your post trigger people here and they will reply in kind.

 

why wont you let your husband go. and have him find a person that truly loves him.

its not loving other people that's the problem its the "lies".

 

justify your cheating,

-because he loves his ex. (two wrongs don't make a right, no matter what you say.)

-we were just friends

-i come home to my husband (last time i checked so did every other cheater.)

 

you talk about morals.

your old enough to know whats right and whats wrong!

yet you continue to do the wrong thing.

 

people are not stupid, they just do their best to be!

 

 

 

 

rather have carpal tunnel syndrome doing whats right. than you having CTS for justifying your cheating!

 

many will remind you again and again that cheating is always wrong. so long as you live in a society with morals you have to accept that fact.

 

You have bigger fish to fry on this site with your witch hunt who are in pa and serial cheaters and actively involved witj ap even after dday and even with spouses best friends...I had an EA with a friend. Ive ended my A a long time ago.

I was venting my feelings and after effects and honest about my feelings and stand by my views. Im not worried about your judgement nor anyone else's.

I posted for my own reasons in needing a forum to talk.

I expected the firing squad and you did not disappoint.

Others will be able to relate to the sadness I feel.

They have been in my shoes.

[Sweet Workaholic]

I was venting my feelings and after effects and honest about my feelings and stand by my views. Im not worried about your judgement nor anyone else's.

I posted for my own reasons in needing a forum to talk.

I expected the firing squad and you did not disappoint.

Others will be able to relate to the sadness I feel.

They have been in my shoes.

 

Nicely expressed.

[Popsicle]

How long has your A been over and why do you think they are hysterically bonding?

[privategal]

How long has your A been over and why do you think they are hysterically bonding?

 

Its been over somewhere around 2 years maybe less with friendship coming back in the picture.

Hysterical bonding well...the only thing I knew is having babies 3 years ago made them exhausted parents living more like roomates...we didnt really discuss our marriages I just assumed they were happy and in love like we were but wjen he called to tell me the story of dday and followed up with an update of where the dust settled and that her birthday fell 2 weeks after and they were able to have a rare night out with a babysitter and have drinks and laugh and talk like old times...I could tell this was a turning point and that she forgave and I know after several days of sleeping in other rooms and almost breaking up to a date with laughter and drinking "like old times" they comnected romantically and since his excuse for an emotional affair was that he felt unloved, felt like roomates, when she forgave him Im sure she wanted to prevent him from straying again by making it priority number one to get that sex life back on track and reclaim her romantic bond.

I don't wanna know, not my business, I would NEVER interfere, I do not reach out at all...HE does/did...but I want to finally give the respect by stepping back...even platatonically is too much obviously.