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Husband and neighbor had an affair (Update)


Taylorjones

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I'm a 32 year old woman, I am self conscious about my appearance but my husband tells me I'm beautiful. He's 27 and he's very good looking. We moved into this neighborhood 2 years ago and at that time we became aquainted with the next door neighbor, a beautiful perky girl in her early 20's.

 

At the time she had a boyfriend and all though her and my husband talked from across our yards occasionally, I didn't see her as any threat. Fast forward to now this girl broke up with her boyfriend last year and she's been getting closer and closer with my husband. It started with them talking more and more then she would invite him over and they'd smoke cigarettes and have a drink.

 

Then she wanted to do a big landscaping project on her property and she asked for my husband's help. While all of this is going on, I'm slowly getting more and more suspicious, jealous and angry at both of them. I began talking to my husband telling him his I felt and he said that there's no reason for me to get jealous or upset because he only loves me and that in prettier (which I know she's better looking than me).

 

Anyways I tried to insist that he demand an hourly wage for helping her with the landscaping and he said absolutely not he was doing it for her to be neighborly.....yeah right! Anyways he was always over there on the weekends helping her with this landscaping thing, and she would cook him dinner afterwards for helping.

 

I was never invited over, and when I did go over while they were having a cigarette or something they would act like I was an elephant in the room. Well 2 weeks ago my husband and I were having a huge fight over this situation and we weren't speaking. He was over there with that slut "helping with the hard" and he comes over and says "honey I'm so sorry I f'ed up so bad and I need to come clean".

 

He then proceeded to tell me that he'd been sleeping with this woman for the past 2 months. Apparently the landscaping thing was just a show for my benefit so they'd have a reason for him to go over there. He said that she didn't mean anything it was just for the sex and that he's very sorry and willing to do anything for me to take him back. Even though I had suspicions, I didn't want to believe them so this really ca,e as a shock to me.

 

I screamed at him, and hit him, I cried, but I decided to take him back along with a lot of new guidelines such as no more female friends, no more leaving the house without me ect. The whore wouldent talk to me when I tried to approach her but I don't care about that. My problem is that even though I agreed to take my husband back, even though I set ground rules I can't get this off my mind. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't have sex with my husband. All I can think about his him banging that home wrecker.

 

How do I forgive and forget. I mean I did take my husband back and I do love him but I hate his guts at the same time. How can I forgive and forget this whole thing? Sorry for the long post but bless you if you read it through and comment!

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Its much to early to think about forgiving.

 

Forgiving usually comes after healing, and there hasn't been enough time to do any healing.

 

Forgetting?

 

You can't forget, and you won't forget.

 

You are sitting in a lot of pain right now, and need to focus on yourself, to do whatever will make you feel better.

 

I don't think that you're in a fit state to even decide if you want to be with him anymore

 

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this?

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I have sisters and a wonderful mother, but I'm so ashamed to tell them.

 

The shame is not yours - it is your husband that should be ashamed and a huge part of getting through this is the process of exposing and building the support system of those closest to us.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but until you decide if you can continue in the marriage, definitely share this with your family and expose your husband to his so they can help you.

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One of you needs to move. Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights than get him into intensive counselling, make that a condition of reconciliation. Make him do the work. Get him tested for all STD's, the humiliation of the testing will be a deterrent for future infidelity. Make sure that taking him back is what you really want before you commit to doing so.

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Nothing to forgive until he changes everything and offers you transparency and peace of mind - which may need to include moving away to a new area.

 

Counseling is a must to work through the hurt and betrayal. Is he willing to go?

 

And you may never "forget". That's part of what becomes of a cheater... It may never go away.

 

He had a need that you can't fix. That's up to him to find out what is so broken about his character that he thought cheating was all ok.

 

And if he doesn't give you a ton of evidence that the very core of who he is has changed then you may wish to consider a life without him.

 

 

Some don't know how to be faithful long term. He will need time and proof to show you he isn't that guy anymore.

 

Hopefully you will take care of yourself and make decisions that are in your best interest - no matter what he is or isn't doing.

 

Best wishes.

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I have sisters and a wonderful mother, but I'm so ashamed to tell them.

 

As CarrieT said, the shame isn't yours.

 

Its vital at this time that you have someone supportive you can talk to.

 

You can't deal with this alone, and you shouldn't even try to.

 

Your wellbeing is the only thing you should be focussing on.

 

Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

If you can't get a proper meal down, get some sports protein bars, and eat them.

Drink enough water.

Thats a minimum of 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

If you can't sleep, just lie down for a bit.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

A walk is enough.

If you feel physically unwell, go to see your doctor.

 

Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will slowly reduce.

 

Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

 

Post here as often as you want, there's always someone here.

 

 

Take care.

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You're a bigger person than I to take him back.

 

This is just heinous.

 

This isn't a one time slip up. This is 2 months of deceitful lying and treating you like crap.

 

I'm angry *for* you here.

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i agree, you have nothing to be ashamed about- this is all on him. i also agree that's is too soon to just up and forgive him. he has some work to do... he needs to do all the heavy lifting and try to win you back.

 

if it helps any you should go ahead and confide in someone you trust. you can't hold this sort of thing inside, it'll start to cause you great emotional damage. get the help you need.

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have you confronted this OW in any way?

 

She said she tried:

The whore wouldent talk to me when I tried to approach her but I don't care about that.
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^yea.. saw that. was gonna edit, but you beat me to the punch.

 

 

to be honest, i think there's more to it. i'm willing to bet her boyfriend found out about their inappropriate behavior and called it quits with her. this might have been going on longer than he's willing to admit.

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I have sisters and a wonderful mother, but I'm so ashamed to tell them.

 

They're your support system hon, that's what they're there for. Make use of them and share - they'll rally around you and you'll feel much better for it. :)

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has he written a timeline for you... written a NC letter advising this woman to stay away from the both of you? he needs to give you all of his passwords for all his communications and allow you to look through his phone whenever you need to. this is called total transparency and is vital if you want to move forward with him. if you don't follow through with these steps, they could easily take this underground. follow through with some consequences- don't protect them.

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Has it really just been 2 months? As cheaters tend to lie about this.

Before you reconcile, you need to know the extent of what you're dealing with.

 

Get him to write a full timeline of the affair for you.

 

If he's cheating this early in the marriage what hope do you really have? Just 2 years ago you took vows and he totally disregards them..

 

You have no kids right?

 

If so don't have any with him until you're absolutely sure you are staying.

 

Cheaters jeopardise the safety and security of their children's home when they have affairs. Do you want this for any kids you have? A man you can't trust because he's already cheated?

 

Why should you live your life like the marriage police because be messed up?

 

The ONE good thing is that he confessed to you.

 

Why did he confess? Was she pressing him to leave you or tell you about the A? Did she force his hand?

 

He concocted this landscaping story very deliberately, how can you ever trust him again?

 

He had no qualms having an affair right under your nose....that's a huge amount of disrespect there.

 

What consequences is he going to face? Because if there are none why won't he do it again ?

 

Have you asked what will stop him cheating again? Because there will ALWAYS be another woman out there has no problem sleeping with a MM. How will he resist?

 

Ask him what he'd want you to do to convince him not to divorce you if you had cheated on him.

What could you possibly do, that would make him feel you were worthy of a second chance.

 

If he can't answer these questions, I don't see the point of staying with him.

 

I also think you need to move away from there. It's going to be a constant trigger and you don't need to see the little trollop all the time.

 

Finally, if you do stay , consider getting a post nuptial agreement in your favour if he cheats again or if you uncover any other affair that he hasn't mentioned.

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What consequences has your H experienced?

 

Exposing his truth can help you. He needs to own what he did.

 

A did have a conversation with that OW whether she wanted to or not! Knock on that door until she has to answer.

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And just to add ......Sometimes LOVE just isn't enough to stay with someone who cheats. The betrayal can just be too much to deal with.

 

That trust will never be 100% again - ever.

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devilish innocent

I feel for you just from reading your story. This isn't something you can just choose to forgive and forget if it happens to you. Especially not in just two weeks. Whether or not the marriage survives, you still have a long road ahead of you. If you look up "surviving infidelity" on Amazon, you will find dozens of books written for people in your situation. You might want to choose one that appeals to you and read it. Counseling may help as well.

 

Go easy on yourself. You are dealing with one of the toughest trials life can offer. I hope you are never put through this again, and I wish you the best.

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flowergirl14

My gut feeling says that he will do it again with her or someone else. He had the b*lls to basically have an affair a few feet from your house, during the day, while you were at home. By the way check out chump lady that is another good support network site. Whatever you do...Do not sweep this under the rug.

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HereNorThere

You're fooling yourself if you think you are just going to "get over this."

 

Sorry, but your life is changed forever. No amount of rules, regulations or apologies from him are going to change that.

 

For as long as your with him, you will be tormented by this. You know in your heart that something this heinous is not forgivable. Sometimes you have to run towards the pain instead of running from it. Get it all over with at once.

 

First, you'll have to get rid of the dead weight. You can't lay in bed with your tormentor and expect not be tormented. Second, you have to find a new place to live. You'll never be comfortable around those two.

 

And for god sakes, tell your family!! Also, you need to find a therapist, ASAP. The longer you live with this burden alone, the higher your chances are for developing PTSD. You don't want ruin your chances at finding a good partner one day because you've been damaged by this monster.

 

This situation is so much more than your basic "I cheated" confession. The lengths that they were willing to go to are so unbelievably cruel and sadistic.

 

Get out of there NOW! This piece of garbage isn't worth risking your sanity over. Get out now while you still have a chance at a good life.

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understand50
My problem is that even though I agreed to take my husband back, even though I set ground rules I can't get this off my mind. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't have sex with my husband. All I can think about his him banging that home wrecker. How do I forgive and forget. I mean I did take my husband back and I do love him but I hate his guts at the same time. How can I forgive and forget this whole thing? Sorry for the long post but bless you if you read it through and comment!

 

Taylorjones,

 

I wanted to take some time and thought before I responded to you. I am not sure anyone has really answered your question, but here is my take.

 

The First thing is that your WH, has to do the heavy lifting here. He has to show real remorse, show that he knows just how badly he hurt you. On the top of this board is a thread with a link for Wondering Spouses. Print it out and have him read it. Discuss with him what it says and what he understands he has done to you, and some of the things HE will have to do to show true remorse.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

You will never really be able to forget, and remember your reconciliation and forgiveness is a gift you give to him, he should in no way expect it from you. Unless he really shows remorse, and works hard to live his life going forward to show you, by deeds, thought and actions that he is faithful and true to you, you both will never truly reconcile. If YOU do not think he is doing this, reconciliation will not work, and you should move to divorce.

 

Reconciliation is a two why street, you both have hard work to do. One of the things my wife asked for after we decided to try and stay together almost 40 years ago, was that she did not want to have what she did used against her during our normal life. She did not want me to pull the "you cheated" card during fights, and she did not want me to remind her everyday that she had slipped. I agreed to this. The only time I will bring it up is if she had, or is, cheating. Never had too. After some time has pasted, and if your husband has given you all the information you need, let him know you will not bring this up again, unless it is Germaine to what is going on in your marriage at the time.

 

Now for the hard part on your side. You will never forget that this has happened. You will always have some hurt and pain from it. Time will dull it, but it will always be there. You have to decide, if the future you can have with your husband will out weight the hurt and pain he has caused. Does your love for him let you go on. Only you can answer this. If you believe you can move forward, and you wont to, then, you will need to put your anger away. Does not mean it is not there, but you need to try and not be angry at him 24/7. It is not fair to you, and it is not fair to him, if you both are working on reconciliation. How you do this is a personal thing. Myself, I keep in mind, the good times that we have share from the date forward, and that she has been faithful to me for over 40 years during our marriage. Again, the passage of time works magic.

 

You need to reconnect with your husband. I would try a weekly "date night". Once a week go out and do something fun. Base it on what you can afford at the time. Below are some links with ideas. They are from a man's point of view, but ideas are ideas. Of all the things my wife and I do in our marriage, the fact that we make time each week to have fun together, for us, has worked wonders. The big rule is we are out to have fun, and will not talk about anything that will upset the other. We do not waist our time with each other, fighting.

 

OK, so when do we talk about the hard issues that are in any marriage? Once a month, or week if need be, we schedule a "talk" Each of us can bring up anything that is on our mind or bugging us, that we need to talk about. The talk go one until we are done, but the 4 big rules are that we are completely honest and frank with each other, we do our best to be kind to each other when we talk, if one of us starts to get angry we stop and sort it out, and lastly, what happens during our talks stays in our talk. We both can not use it against each other during the normal time together. This puts the "arguing, or hard discussions" in a box and allows us to love each other the rest of the time, knowing we are working together to fix what ever we need to.

 

If you and you husband can agree to find a way to talk about the hard things, it will allow you to reconnect and put aside the anger when you need to have fun together. This will allow you to not "forget", but forgive, as you move forward. This has worked for my wife and I, take what you will from it, if anything. Lastly, you both should go to some type of MC. It should help, but should not be a end to a means.

 

I wish you luck and peace of mind.

 

10 Cheap Date Ideas | The Art of Manliness

 

How to Save a Marriage | The Art of Manliness

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Hello again, yesterday I posted on here about my husband's affair with our neighbor.http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/543306-husband-neighbor-had-affair

 

Anyways I followed the advice given my the wonderful people on here (bless you) I tried to talk to the slut neighbor, but she slammed the door on my face. anyways I talked to my mother as suggested and she's trying to help me but some new worries came up I need some advice on. I was feeling as good as a wife in my position can yesterday after receiving the wonderful feedback on this site last night.

 

I was definitely gonna stay with my husband and I thought after some counseling, we could get back on track. Then my husband sits me down and tells me that he lied at first and the affair lasted for 7 months instead of 2. He said that he finally confessed because she wanted him to leave me and he refused to do so so he decided to break it off with her. I got totally enraged, I got up, threw a bunch of glasses at him and locked myself in the bathroom.

 

He stood outside the door and apologized but I'm just totally at a loss here. I suspected that it was going on for longer than 2 months but I just didn't want to actually believe it, but what bothers me even worse is his reason for ending their affair. Basically he only ended it and told me because she wanted to take it further and he only wanted to bang her. So if she just went on having sex with him I would have never found out, and he would have been cheating all along. I am so distraught I am physically ill because of this.

 

I cried so much last night I threw up 2 times. I guess I still love my husband but how could he treat me like this HOW????? What do you guys make of this and what should I do?

 

Please, please advise me on this. Btw my mother said I should leave him and never look back but I really really don't want to do that.

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I think you should not try to make big decisions while in this state of mind. You need to be with someone who cares about you and can empathize without judging, or shoving their opinions at you, or presuming to know what's right for you. It takes awhile for the shock to wear off so you can get in touch with your real feelings and not be reactionary. Do you have a counselor/therapist? Do you have friends you can spend some time with, maybe stay with a few days? Maybe your mother would be ok if she can quit telling you to leave as if she has all the answers. Who do you know that's a good listener?

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as i posted to your prior thread, i got the feeling the affair was going on longer than he admitted. most of us here pretty much thought as much. that's standard cheater procedure- MINIMIZE.

 

i really don't have a clear answer for you. it depends on what you are willing to accept. now i'm not suggesting you take one course of action over another, but you're still young and don't have any kids with this man. if i was in your position, i'd cut my losses and run from this guy. that's just my opinion.

 

you don't have to make a decision right away though, as it seems you want to work things out. what has he offered you to salvage the marriage. you gotta understand that right now, he's in damage control mode. what you need to do is make it clear what's expected of him in order for you to even consider taking him back. have you asked for a thorough timeline... a firm NC letter to the OW?

 

at this point, you need to protect yourself from further damage from these two. i would definitely try to get in contact with her estranged BF to see if this is why they actually broke up. he might be able to shed more light on the situation.

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