How do people who have compartmentalized their affair cope when it ends?

[LonelyGirl17]

I'm wondering how wayward partners/spouses cope when their affair comes to an end after they have compartmentalized their love affair (emotional/physical or both) from their home lives.

 

I suppose I'm talking specifically about affairs where the wayward partner/spouse is unfulfilled in their relationship, both are miserable, has settled for the wrong person, but will never leave because of commitments such as children/mortgage/shared history so they end up looking elsewhere to fill the missing components.

 

I guess all affairs are compartmentalized to some extent, otherwise they would just be out in the open. But still to manage the double life there has to be a big fence erected to cope.

 

For some people they have rationalized their situation to such an extent it can seem like walking from one room to another.

 

But of course this cannot last, and the feelings of guilt catch up with them or they struggle with the enormous responsibility of what is happening after a while.

 

But do they go through that painful withdrawal in the same way that single OW/OM do? Or do they just compartmentalize any feelings of loss and grief away? Or are they even so happy to not have to compartmentalize any more?

Edited August 5, 2015 by LonelyGirl17

[carhill]

Generally, compartmentalization is characterized by exactly what the word means, separating into compartments, with those compartments being separated psychologically. A relationship therapist I used to watch on YouTube likened them to 'boxes' and, when one is finished with a particular box, the contents are placed within it, the lid is closed and it is placed back into the group of boxes with care being taken not to touch any other box.

 

I prior considered compartmentalization to be overwhelmingly a male trait, since men are bred and socialized to commit all sorts of horrific acts, ignore pain and generally focus on the task at hand to the exclusion of all others and without regard to consequences or safety. However, the more I interacted with MW's (married women), the more I came to understand, in the realm of relationships anyway, that women could also compartmentalize and keep their affair box separate from, not touching, nor interacting, with their marriage box. Abilities varied with the specific person. In general, I think a person who is lousy at compartmentalization will have, generally, problems with deception in general and with affairs which are predicated upon deception. This presumes their psychology is otherwise healthy and not trending to the sociopathic.

 

When the affair ends for a person who compartmentalizes, the memories and emotions associated with that affair get put into a box and it's placed amongst all the other boxes of their life. They then might pull out the 'success at work' box or the 'my kid graduated college box' or 'it's my spouse and my silver anniversary' box and enjoy those contents without thought nor regard for the 'past affair' box. That one is now, like the proverbial box in one's closet at home, gathering dust and forgotten.

[Jewelzgal]

Your post perfectly describes my current situation. I was / am in a very unhappyrelationship but due to each of the commitments you have mentioned above, Iknow in my heart I will never leave. Ilove my partner, but we fell out of love shortly after our youngest child wasborn. I don't believe I was even aware of how trulyunhappy I was until I met the OM. I didn't seek this relationship out, but arandom encounter coupled with us ending up working for the same company a year later led toan affair.

 

I absolutely compartmentalized my feelings to the point that I felt like I did becametwo different people. I have a verydemanding job and I’m a mother of children who are 10 years apart. There were many times I would look in themirror and wonder who this new person was I had become. There were many aspectsthat I actually admired about her, yet I couldn’tshare her with anyone because it really wasn’t me.

 

Very quickly it consumed every aspect of my life, yet no one found out. It wasdraining to try to balance having feelings for someone I rarely was able tospend time, while trying to be a wonderful mother, daughter, sister, friend,colleague and manager. For the 3 hours a week I had with him, I focusedon me. I laughed, I smiled and I talkedonly about things I wanted to. I rarely if ever, spoke of my family.

 

The struggle to balance 2 very separate lives became too much. I couldn’t eat and I went through a two week periodwere I couldn’t sleep for more than 1 hour each night. Assoon as I attempted to end things the first time, I was able to sleep and myappetite returned. Even still, thewithdrawal is beyond painful primarily because no one knows and you are forcedto cope with the loss alone. I’m requiredto let go of someone who is very important to me, even though I am completelyaware that I was wrong to bring him into my life. For 6 months I would abruptly end things andwithin 24 hours regret making that decision. Again, with successfully compartmentalizingthe affair, I never feel compelled to jump in the car and go to his housebecause we never could do things spontaneously. A yearlater and I am still not able to stick with the "no contact” and I reachout to him via text usually once every 2 weeks. The text conversations always ends in thesame manner, him being angry that I chose to not to leave my partner. I’ll never be able to justify the decisions I have made and thepeople I’ve indirectly hurt through my lies.

 

Even though I compartmentalized my affair, it still consumes me at an even greaterlevel now that we no longer see each other in person. I knew I was going to see him each week, butnow I’m just left thinking constantly and idealizing what my life could be, butwill never be. At times I feel numb andhave in some instances lost the ability to empathize with others to the degreethat I did before I met the OM. Recently wasable to take the kids and go on vacation away from home. We had an amazing time and I was so sure I couldleave this all behind me, but as soon a returned back home the unhappiness crept back the same day we arrived back in town.

 

I have spent the last 6 months doing a lot of reading online about other people’sexperiences. This is the first time Ihave posted about my experience. Yourpost reached out to me because I immediately realized why I continue to strugglea daily basis with moving on. One of the most valuable experiences I have learnedis that I will not sit in judgment of other people and the choices they make. If people ever found out about the OM, Iwould have been labelled as a horrible, thoughtless and selfish person. Even though I stay because I feel I’m makingthe right decision by not splitting up the family, I still think of the OMevery hour of every day. It’s coming upa year that we first started communicating and although the withdrawal now is manageable, I am still forced to find new coping mechanisms each and every day.

 

I became a mother at a young age and after turning 40 this year, this experience has led me to reflect on how affairs can involve good people who would never intentionally try to hurt others. It still doesn't absolve us of the responsibility we have to love our family deeply and unconditionally.

Edited August 10, 2015 by Jewelzgal
formatting issues

[jbrent890]

Your post perfectly describes my current situation. I was / am in a very unhappyrelationship but due to each of the commitments you have mentioned above, Iknow in my heart I will never leave. Ilove my partner, but we fell out of love shortly after our youngest child wasborn. I don't believe I was even aware of how trulyunhappy I was until I met the OM. I didn't seek this relationship out, but arandom encounter coupled with us ending up working for the same company a year later led toan affair.

 

I absolutely compartmentalized my feelings to the point that I felt like I did becametwo different people. I have a verydemanding job and I’m a mother of children who are 10 years apart. There were many times I would look in themirror and wonder who this new person was I had become. There were many aspectsthat I actually admired about her, yet I couldn’tshare her with anyone because it really wasn’t me.

 

Very quickly it consumed every aspect of my life, yet no one found out. It wasdraining to try to balance having feelings for someone I rarely was able tospend time, while trying to be a wonderful mother, daughter, sister, friend,colleague and manager. For the 3 hours a week I had with him, I focusedon me. I laughed, I smiled and I talkedonly about things I wanted to. I rarely if ever, spoke of my family.

 

The struggle to balance 2 very separate lives became too much. I couldn’t eat and I went through a two week periodwere I couldn’t sleep for more than 1 hour each night. Assoon as I attempted to end things the first time, I was able to sleep and myappetite returned. Even still, thewithdrawal is beyond painful primarily because no one knows and you are forcedto cope with the loss alone. I’m requiredto let go of someone who is very important to me, even though I am completelyaware that I was wrong to bring him into my life. For 6 months I would abruptly end things andwithin 24 hours regret making that decision. Again, with successfully compartmentalizingthe affair, I never feel compelled to jump in the car and go to his housebecause we never could do things spontaneously. A yearlater and I am still not able to stick with the "no contact” and I reachout to him via text usually once every 2 weeks. The text conversations always ends in thesame manner, him being angry that I chose to not to leave my partner. I’ll never be able to justify the decisions I have made and thepeople I’ve indirectly hurt through my lies.

 

Even though I compartmentalized my affair, it still consumes me at an even greaterlevel now that we no longer see each other in person. I knew I was going to see him each week, butnow I’m just left thinking constantly and idealizing what my life could be, butwill never be. At times I feel numb andhave in some instances lost the ability to empathize with others to the degreethat I did before I met the OM. Recently wasable to take the kids and go on vacation away from home. We had an amazing time and I was so sure I couldleave this all behind me, but as soon a returned back home the unhappiness crept back the same day we arrived back in town.

 

I have spent the last 6 months doing a lot of reading online about other people’sexperiences. This is the first time Ihave posted about my experience. Yourpost reached out to me because I immediately realized why I continue to strugglea daily basis with moving on. One of the most valuable experiences I have learnedis that I will not sit in judgment of other people and the choices they make. If people ever found out about the OM, Iwould have been labelled as a horrible, thoughtless and selfish person. Even though I stay because I feel I’m makingthe right decision by not splitting up the family, I still think of the OMevery hour of every day. It’s coming upa year that we first started communicating and although the withdrawal now is manageable, I am still forced to find new coping mechanisms each and every day.

 

I became a mother at a young age and after turning 40 this year, this experience has led me to reflect on how affairs can involve good people who would never intentionally try to hurt others. It still doesn't absolve us of the responsibility we have to love our family deeply and unconditionally.

 

Even though I really don't know your situation and I may be wrong, but it sounds like you just rewrote your marital history when this guy came into the picture. That tends to be the case when I see that things changed when the OP comes into the wayward's life. But again, I may be wrong.

[Jewelzgal]

I am not sure what you mean by 'rewrote my marital history'. I didn't provide any specifics on what triggered our issues. I thought I was addressing the original posters question about whether people who compartmentalize their affair go through the same level of withdrawal and sadness about it ending. I am sorry if my post didn't come across as a response to that.

[autumnnight]

I am not sure what you mean by 'rewrote my marital history'. I didn't provide any specifics on what triggered our issues. I thought I was addressing the original posters question about whether people who compartmentalize their affair go through the same level of withdrawal and sadness about it ending. I am sorry if my post didn't come across as a response to that.

 

Rewriting history means changing your thoughts and perception of your marriage as worse than it was to justify the affair. Many people assume that every WS had a brilliant marriage and just rewrites history to justify the A.

[Jewelzgal]

Thanks for that insight. That makes a lot of sense and yes I would imagine a lot of people may do that to justify their actions. My relationship had been rocky for years and still it was incredibly wrong to get involved with someone else. In my case I truly believe even if my relationship at home was better the affair still would have happened with OM. I love my partner and kids dearly and would never ever want to hurt them yet I found myself in a situation that absolutely did just that and put everything that matters to me at risk.

 

Compartmentalizing enabled me because I could still be all the roles I needed to be to keep everyone happy. One of the biggest reasons I finally posted online is because I want to make very deliberate actions to move forward. I don't expect anyone to feel compassion for my situation and that's not why I posted online.

[LonelyGirl17]

Your post perfectly describes my current situation. I was / am in a very unhappyrelationship but due to each of the commitments you have mentioned above, Iknow in my heart I will never leave. Ilove my partner, but we fell out of love shortly after our youngest child wasborn. I don't believe I was even aware of how trulyunhappy I was until I met the OM. I didn't seek this relationship out, but arandom encounter coupled with us ending up working for the same company a year later led toan affair.

 

I absolutely compartmentalized my feelings to the point that I felt like I did becametwo different people. I have a verydemanding job and I’m a mother of children who are 10 years apart. There were many times I would look in themirror and wonder who this new person was I had become. There were many aspectsthat I actually admired about her, yet I couldn’tshare her with anyone because it really wasn’t me.

 

Very quickly it consumed every aspect of my life, yet no one found out. It wasdraining to try to balance having feelings for someone I rarely was able tospend time, while trying to be a wonderful mother, daughter, sister, friend,colleague and manager. For the 3 hours a week I had with him, I focusedon me. I laughed, I smiled and I talkedonly about things I wanted to. I rarely if ever, spoke of my family.

 

The struggle to balance 2 very separate lives became too much. I couldn’t eat and I went through a two week periodwere I couldn’t sleep for more than 1 hour each night. Assoon as I attempted to end things the first time, I was able to sleep and myappetite returned. Even still, thewithdrawal is beyond painful primarily because no one knows and you are forcedto cope with the loss alone. I’m requiredto let go of someone who is very important to me, even though I am completelyaware that I was wrong to bring him into my life. For 6 months I would abruptly end things andwithin 24 hours regret making that decision. Again, with successfully compartmentalizingthe affair, I never feel compelled to jump in the car and go to his housebecause we never could do things spontaneously. A yearlater and I am still not able to stick with the "no contact” and I reachout to him via text usually once every 2 weeks. The text conversations always ends in thesame manner, him being angry that I chose to not to leave my partner. I’ll never be able to justify the decisions I have made and thepeople I’ve indirectly hurt through my lies.

 

Even though I compartmentalized my affair, it still consumes me at an even greaterlevel now that we no longer see each other in person. I knew I was going to see him each week, butnow I’m just left thinking constantly and idealizing what my life could be, butwill never be. At times I feel numb andhave in some instances lost the ability to empathize with others to the degreethat I did before I met the OM. Recently wasable to take the kids and go on vacation away from home. We had an amazing time and I was so sure I couldleave this all behind me, but as soon a returned back home the unhappiness crept back the same day we arrived back in town.

 

I have spent the last 6 months doing a lot of reading online about other people’sexperiences. This is the first time Ihave posted about my experience. Yourpost reached out to me because I immediately realized why I continue to strugglea daily basis with moving on. One of the most valuable experiences I have learnedis that I will not sit in judgment of other people and the choices they make. If people ever found out about the OM, Iwould have been labelled as a horrible, thoughtless and selfish person. Even though I stay because I feel I’m makingthe right decision by not splitting up the family, I still think of the OMevery hour of every day. It’s coming upa year that we first started communicating and although the withdrawal now is manageable, I am still forced to find new coping mechanisms each and every day.

 

I became a mother at a young age and after turning 40 this year, this experience has led me to reflect on how affairs can involve good people who would never intentionally try to hurt others. It still doesn't absolve us of the responsibility we have to love our family deeply and unconditionally.

 

Thanks for responding Jewelzgal and sharing your story. I don't know if you are rewriting your history with your partner, I think it's pretty clear you were/are unhappy in your life, hence the OM fulfilling a fundamental need that was lacking. From what you said he made you feel interesting, fun and the subject of his desire which is a very powerful, intoxicating thing.

 

And I totally agree with you, affairs often involve good people who just want to be happy and loved. Many find themselves surprised to be in a situation they previously thought was just a soap opera staple. But the rub though is that affairs hurt everyone along the way at some point.

 

That's why I'm interested in compartmentalizing as a coping mechanism to deal with and manage that hurt. Did you ever think about him when you were at home with your family? Did you find yourself thinking/seeing something and then wondering what he would say about it? Or did you completely blot him out?

Edited August 13, 2015 by LonelyGirl17

[Jewelzgal]

I compartmentalized things from the start so that I coulda ppropriately function in my required roles at home / work. After we attempted to end things on multiple occasions, it evolved into a coping mechanism. At work, I’m extremely busy so I am able to block him out of my thoughts. At home, I’m not as lucky and I dothink about him non-stop. From the start, I never thought of him in the context of a family unit with my children, just myself and him. That’s why I knew I would never leave my partner for him

 

Yes, I’ll think of something and want to reach out to him,but I will refrain from doing so. Istill contact him about once every 2 weeks but not with a specific intent. I will just feel a very sudden need to texthim because I just need to have him respond……Yes the entire experience was very powerful and absolutely intoxicating. I was extremely naïve as to how difficultmoving on would be.

 

Thank-you so much for your response. I have found opening about this very helpful as this is a very horrible secret that I live with every day

Edited August 14, 2015 by Jewelzgal
formatting issues

[Popsicle]

Rewriting history means changing your thoughts and perception of your marriage as worse than it was to justify the affair. Many people assume that every WS had a brilliant marriage and just rewrites history to justify the A.

 

 

While I agree with what you are insinuating, autumnight, there is also some truth, in certain specific cases, to what the poster you were responding to said - that the WS rewrites the marriage history. It's not always true, but I think in cases where like the lady above said, she wasn't even aware of how unhappy she was in her marriage until the OM came along. She was fine before. This is different than when a person knows they are unhappy in their M even before an A happens. When the married person is content in their marriage and going along just fine and wasn't even thinking about having an A, but then they meet someone and suddenly all these feelings come up that they haven't felt in years, I can see how this could make an unsuspecting spouse begin to rewrite their marital history. They forgot what those feelings felt like and how powerful they can be and they got distracted by them.

 

Again, this is different than someone who knows that they are unhappy with their marriage and seeks out, deliberately or subtly, an A, or even hopes that one happens to them.

[LonelyGirl17]

I compartmentalized things from the start so that I coulda ppropriately function in my required roles at home / work. After we attempted to end things on multiple occasions, it evolved into a coping mechanism. At work, I’m extremely busy so I am able to block him out of my thoughts. At home, I’m not as lucky and I dothink about him non-stop. From the start, I never thought of him in the context of a family unit with my children, just myself and him. That’s why I knew I would never leave my partner for him

 

Yes, I’ll think of something and want to reach out to him,but I will refrain from doing so. Istill contact him about once every 2 weeks but not with a specific intent. I will just feel a very sudden need to texthim because I just need to have him respond……Yes the entire experience was very powerful and absolutely intoxicating. I was extremely naïve as to how difficultmoving on would be.

 

Thank-you so much for your response. I have found opening about this very helpful as this is a very horrible secret that I live with every day

 

Glad you feel better for sharing, and that you stick around! There's some great advice/insights on here. Just a question, did you ever try to be friends with the OM after you decided it had to end?

[LonelyGirl17]

Also Jewelzgal that need to have him respond is the need for that "hit" of the intoxicating feeling of the affair. Many people have likened it to an addiction, and I believe that's true.

 

I've read on here people advocating no contact (NC). I personally found that dreadful, but I guess that's the point. Hard as it might be to say, and I do hate to say it, perhaps you should try not reaching out to him and sweat out the withdrawal and see if you feel better on the other side? It's only up to you, you know your own feelings and what you can handle.

[Jewelzgal]

Thanks so much for your note back. In response to your question on whether or not I tried to remain friends with the OM, it's not possible. Things ended (well actually never officially) because I am not willing to leave my partner. There is no closure because our feelings for one another have never changed. He is not willing to be the OM because he wants more.

 

I agree with your last comment and I am going to try to refrain from reaching out and allow myself to experience the full withdrawal. In the end, what I endure now is a very false hope that somehow I can exist in 2 separate world. It's hurtful to everyone involved and extremely painful for me on a daily basis. The reality is I can not maintain a relationship with the OM yet I haven't completely accepted that.

[LonelyGirl17]

Good luck Jewelzgal, keep visiting here. There's a Coping section of the forums which you might find useful when experiencing the painful loss/sadness.