Should family members stay friends with the ex?

[Raena]

When a marriage (or in my case, a long term relationship) ends because of infidelity... should the family members of the betrayed still remain friendly with the ex?

 

My nephew has remained friends with my ex who cheated and I kicked out. They talk all the time and my nephew tells him everything about me and what's going on in my life. I'm pretty sure my nephew knew about the cheating as well... almost 100% sure. There's no way he didn't know. So not only did he know that my ex was cheating on me, but now he's choosing to remain friends with him after what that jackarse did to me and our son and continues to do.

 

Is this normal? I keep thinking that if the roles were reversed I wouldn't still be talking to that person. I wouldn't have stayed friends with them while they were cheating on my family member either... family comes first in my book... not friends. Not in that kind of situation anyway. If I became friends with my brothers wife for example and I found out she was cheating on my brother... I'd end the friendship and tell her she needs to be honest with him or I will. I'd like to think I would anyway.

 

My nephew is in his 20's. My ex and I are both in our 40's. It's a bit odd that they are friends in the first place, but even more strange that my nephew is STILL talking to my ex. Even worse, I hate that my ex is giving relationship advice to my nephew. He's the LAST person my nephew should be listening to about how to treat women properly.

 

 

This is a slight twist on the "would you tell if you knew" plot. Would you tell if telling might make you lose a very good job? Would you still remain friends with the person after the relationship ended? I wouldn't.

[BetrayedH]

I have similar challenges. My mother still considers my exwife to be one of her "daughters" and refuses to cut her off. My mother is a religious and forgiving person. She sees my exwife as a family member that lost her way. I have a sister-in-law that also keeps in touch with my exwife.

 

I've expressed my anger at both of them. If someone had done this to them, I'd have no problem cutting that person out of my life.

 

My SIL is lucky I haven't had a coronary and refused to speak with her. If she weren't married to my brother and if it weren't for my kids (and their connections with their cousins), I'd be done with her. When it comes to my mother, she's simply the best person I know and she's obviously well-intentioned.

 

Long story short, I've made myself get over it. I can say it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. But my SIL is better off keeping it out of my face.

[d0nnivain]

If there are kids, maybe. In your case, I don't see the point of your nephew staying connected to your EX.

 

 

I suppose you could ask your nephew why he values the relationship & ask him to stop seeing your EX but you can't make him stop

[xxoo]

They shouldn't be discussing you (I'd confront nephew about that and ask him to please be considerate and not discuss you with ex), but I don't see any reason they should stop being close.

[SammySammy]

It happens.

 

My last ex remains friends with all of her exes family members. When we were dating, I had to deal with a constant barrage of ex-boyfriend's brothers, cousins, friends and so forth.

 

When we ended our relationship, she tried to stay in contact with my family and all of my friends. My parents and sisters stayed loyal to me, but my brothers, sisters-in-law, cousins and friends are all still friends with her. Because of that she knows everything going on in my life.

 

In my opinion, it's very messy to do that. Tacky and a tad disrespectful. However, I have never asked anyone to not be friends with her. I just go about living my life as well as I can.

[oldshirt]

When a couple splits up people should remain cordial and polite with the ex as well as cooperative in regards to dealing with the children.

 

 

Discussing personal matters and keeping ex's "up to date" on your activities is completely inappropriate and needs to be shut down immediately.

 

 

Your personal affairs are no longer of any concern to your ex and need to drop the hammer on your relatives relaying personal information to an ex.

[TrustedthenBusted]

If I dumped my wife, I wouldn't expect our friends to dump her as well. Her cheating would have destroyed her relationship with me, not with every single person I know...including family.

 

My mom LOVES my wife, for example. Those two might be closer than my mom and I. There's no way she'd cut her out, and I wouldn't expect her to. She is still the mother of her grandchildren.

[m.snow]

Draw the line the sand. And express you feelings and concerns to the relatives about them being close to the ex that hurt you!

[bubbaganoosh]

I remain friends with my ex wife's family. He sister and I always got along from day one. My ex isn't thrilled about it to this day and we divorced back in 81.

 

I'm also friends with her other family members too. I look at it this way. They weren't the cause of the divorce and never did anything to me. I'll admit that when my ex and I divorced blood is always thicker than water and they had her back but in time they realized that she wasn't honest with them and it backfired on her. That's her loss for being a liar.

[Vercetti]

If my family wants to be friends with ex, I cut them off. Ex does not need updates of my life, I don't want to know about her. Screw information being passed around by family members thinking they can be objective. I'm the reason ex was part of joy, those privalages have been revocked...If failed to get the memo perhaps you have a malfunction for thinking a friend.

 

My sister did that crap. Encouraged me to leave, got cut off from my ex for years...lol then after the divorce played she has been part of the family for so long card. Bad time to tick me off , can wak away from disrectful wife can walk away from any disrespect.

 

Anyhow...I don't see the play both sides objective friend angle. Friend.d with someone that betrayed / went through lawsuit / have court orders. That's the most foolish thing someone could do, puts me at legal finish al risk and invades privacy. You can't tell others whom to friend. Yet can control who you associate with. If family or friend would compermise relationship with you over an ex...That's all you need to know.

[violet1]

I guess I see things a little different. I'm one who believes friendships can be just as important as family. There are people in my life who are more like family than my actual family members. My H and my brother are very close. A few years ago, my H and I were separated ( not infidelity related btw). My bro said that he wanted to be close to my H no matter what. I had NO issue with it whatsoever as long as I was not discussed in their conversations and get togethers. My bro agreed with my stipulations. I also love my sister-in-law. She's the sister I never had. I would not be willing to give her up if she and my brother divorced. I would however, keep my relationship with her completely separated from my brother. She is also very close to her ex H's siblings. Her ex and my brother have no problem with it.

 

In long-term relationships, people become close to each other's friends and family. I don't think those relationships have to be cut off just because of a break up. I personally think it's a little unfair to expect that. I think the key here is having a general respect and keeping the ex separate from the relationship. Are you close to your nephew? Can you sit down with him and ask to leave you out of his conversations with your ex?

[BROKENOW]

My mother decided to be friends with my ex more when he moved to her country. It's sn impossible relationship. She says nothing in my defence when he didn't pay maintenance because herr relationship with him was more profitable for her. She pretends to herself because it suits her. Ii cannot describe my anger asd the relationship is completely false.

[BROKENOW]

My mother decided to be friends with my ex more when he moved to her country. It's sn impossible relationship. She says nothing in my defence when he didn't pay maintenance because herr relationship with him was more profitable for her. She pretends to herself because it suits her. I cannot describe my anger and the relationship is completely false. My ex doesn't even contact his own family. Deluded!!!

[Popsicle]

Oh no, I made sure none of that continued, on either side.

[Sassy Girl]

My sister Really doesn't like that I'm still friends with her ex husband. Sometimes we do fun runs together, I've met his new girlfriend a few times and we definitely keep in touch. He's my kids' uncle and was my brother for over 10 years. My husband and other brother in law and he all play golf together.

 

But then, my sister is the one who cheated and left for her AP, so I figure she can suck it up.

[RoseVille]

So, your ex is your nephew's uncle, correct? That relationship doesn't end because of your divorce, IMO.

[Raena]

If I dumped my wife, I wouldn't expect our friends to dump her as well. Her cheating would have destroyed her relationship with me, not with every single person I know...including family.

 

My mom LOVES my wife, for example. Those two might be closer than my mom and I. There's no way she'd cut her out, and I wouldn't expect her to. She is still the mother of her grandchildren.

 

I totally understand your point of view on this... with your situation yes it does makes sense to keep in touch. My mother did with my brother's ex wife too because of the kids. But in this situation, there's really no reason for it at all.

[Raena]

So, your ex is your nephew's uncle, correct? That relationship doesn't end because of your divorce, IMO.

 

He and I weren't married, technically he wasn't really his uncle.

[RoseVille]

But in this situation, there's really no reason for it at all.

 

Why? Why does the end of your marriage ipso facto end the relationships and friendships your family has made with your ex?

[RoseVille]

He and I weren't married, technically he wasn't really his uncle.

 

In October 2013, despite not having been married, you'd been together for 11 years. That means your nephew and your ex have had a relationship since your nephew was a child.

 

Legally married or not, this is a long-term friendship/familial relationship they developed, and to expect it to end just because your relationship ended is not fair or mature, IMO.

[Raena]

I guess I see things a little different. I'm one who believes friendships can be just as important as family. There are people in my life who are more like family than my actual family members. My H and my brother are very close. A few years ago, my H and I were separated ( not infidelity related btw). My bro said that he wanted to be close to my H no matter what. I had NO issue with it whatsoever as long as I was not discussed in their conversations and get togethers. My bro agreed with my stipulations. I also love my sister-in-law. She's the sister I never had. I would not be willing to give her up if she and my brother divorced. I would however, keep my relationship with her completely separated from my brother. She is also very close to her ex H's siblings. Her ex and my brother have no problem with it.

 

In long-term relationships, people become close to each other's friends and family. I don't think those relationships have to be cut off just because of a break up. I personally think it's a little unfair to expect that. I think the key here is having a general respect and keeping the ex separate from the relationship. Are you close to your nephew? Can you sit down with him and ask to leave you out of his conversations with your ex?

 

Yes I am close to him, he's like a son to me. I have asked him multiple times to stay away from the ex... not just because he's my ex and treated me horribly but because he's a bad influence on him. I didn't like it much when we were together and my nephew knows that. I just don't understand why he would turn around and tell my ex everything there is to know about me. My life really isn't that interesting and if my ex needed to know something, he could ask me not my nephew. That's the issue I really have with it for me. The gossiping has to stop.

[Raena]

In October 2013, despite not having been married, you'd been together for 11 years. That means your nephew and your ex have had a relationship since your nephew was a child.

 

Legally married or not, this is a long-term friendship/familial relationship they developed, and to expect it to end just because your relationship ended is not fair or mature, IMO.

 

My ex and I were together for 11 years, my nephew wasn't around for that. We didn't live close together until a few years ago... so it's very recent that they've become buds. Just because he and I were together doesn't mean my ex was part of my family all that time. In fact, he didn't even meet my family until much later in the relationship because of distance. Your response assumes they've known each other for a long time and they haven't.

 

Fair? It's not fair for me to ask my family to NOT go running to my ex blabbing about me? Really? Immature? How mature is it that my ex is hanging out with a kid half his age and encouraging that young man to make poor choices and to be disrespectful to his aunt?

 

You obviously know some of my story, so that means you've probably read all about the horrific crap my ex put me through. If you know all of that, why would you even begin to think that it's not fair or mature of ME to ask that my family not keep in touch with someone who treated me so horribly?

 

Honestly. I've put up with so much crap from my ex... this is really just one more way he can continue to try and stay a part of my life and keep the drama rolling.

 

I hate it, but I haven't done anything about it. At this point, I don't know what to do. I can't make them stop. Just shrug my shoulders and think... yep, just another reason for why I should have never let that man into my life. Not only is he bad for me and our son, but he's bad for my family too as well it seems.

[Raena]

This is why I posted this. It's not really about just my situation but the idea in general. When a family falls apart, there is fall out in every direction. Sometimes the extended/close family keep in touch with the ex partner, sometimes they don't. I think it depends on how close they were to begin with and whether or not there are children involved.

 

When my ex-husband and I split up, I stayed close with his mother right up until she passed away, but we didn't talk about her son... ever. That's not what our friendship was about. She was like a mom to me too and had known me since I was very young. But I didn't with the rest of his family. Years later, they've all now reached out to me on facebook to keep in touch. It's interesting to me. Do you, or don't you keep in touch? It really all depends on the circumstances I guess.

 

I'm guessing with time I'll stop caring about what my nephew does with my ex. Right now I'm pissed at him for knowing that I was being cheated on and not telling me. He should have told me instead of siding with my ex. I'm pretty sure my ex has him convinced that I'm this terrible person and I deserved it somehow. He's really good at doing things like that. I'm not sure any of you on here really understand how screwed up my ex is and how good he is as manipulating the truth to suit his needs. I understand why he didn't tell me though too. I get it. I just wish he had handled it differently then and now as well. He's not really a kid anymore, he's 27. He should know by now that cheating isn't the answer but yet he's doing the same kind of stuff. In that way, I guess he relates better to my ex than to me because I'm not like that.

[ShatteredLady]

My husband is very close to my family. My parents think of him like a son because he is MY HUSBAND. If we divorced I would expect my family to cut all ties with him & they would. They should be polite for the sake of our kids but my Dad wouldn't be out playing golf or going for drinks with him. It's about loyalty. Your nephew is young but old enough to know better. Knowing about the affair & not telling him to stop & not telling you is disrespectful. What do your nephews parents think about this situation? Your family must be aware of everything you've been through with this man. You are hurting. They should be circling the wagons & making you feel safe & secure at a time like this.

 

In some rare situations friendships between family members & ex's can work but ONLY with your blessing. Family should protect family. If for any reason their relationships are causing you pain they should respect that. As I said, it's about loyalty.

[minimariah]

depends on the situation, i guess.

 

my parents & close cousins didn't stay friends or in daily touch with my xH. they are civil & polite to him, they have drinks here and there but that's it. to my parents especially - he was always my husband, my partner... never their son, brother to my cousins etc. my partner i chose to have a family with - nothing less and nothing more than that.

 

even though i'm on really great terms with my xH - our families did choose a side. my family stuck with me, his with him. same with friends. there was no drama but over the time... their relationship faded and they simply stopped seeing each other. same with me - i loved and love still my xH's family and they know they can always count on me and vice versa... but we don't hang out. my life had changed with the divorce and they just... i guess, they didn't really fit into my future. it happened very naturally, i didn't cut them off on purpose - over the time, our meetings and coffees and convos became rare. we do hear from each other on holidays and birthdays and important dates like that.

 

i would not be comfortable with folks close to me discussing me with my x. those who ARE close to me, know better. i'd cut any of them off if i ever heard about them freely gossiping and exposing my privacy to someone who eventually became a complete stranger to me.

Edited August 3, 2015 by minimariah