SOP's on a d-day! Things I learned

[m.snow]

Standard Operating Procedure's for Betrayed Spouse(BS) on D-day

 

please help post things to help BS on their d-days and not just run on emotions.

-can anyone post some articles on how to handle d-day.

 

things and tips i found best way to handle any d-day.

 

1. controlling emotions and don't reveal yet - controlling your emotions and not giving yourself away can give you the opportunity to prepare yourself for what ever comes next be it a divorce or reconciliation. Or if Wayward Spouse(WS) lies and call you out for being crazy.

 

learn to hide your discovery and prepare for what ever comes next.

 

2. familiarize with law - call your attorney/lawyer. check if certain laws apply to your state. fault or no fault laws are important. see what can give you an advantage in case of a divorce.

 

3. gathering the evidence - dig dig dig

a.) get copies if any: emails,phone record,text, letters, videos & chat messages.

-you can also use print screen to save those messages.

-phone records had always been the first of the things that can easily be noticed

 

b.) get var- voice activated recorders

-place on your selves

-in rooms, near phones

-place in cars

 

Note: I noticed a lot of confession's are made by WS but it seems that BS are not recording this. I believe that this is always a missed opportunity. only to later say that there is no evidence of infidelity.

 

c.) get Private Investigator (PI) - there experienced and can get a lot of evidence and can assist you in gathering evidence.

 

4.) Revealing Information to WS

(I have noticed that there is such thing as a dday, the day the BS discovers the affair. But there is no word for the day the BS reveals to WS that the affair is uncovered.)

a.) I would suggest not revealing any information at all to the WS. that is if your planning to divorce.

-do not reveal that you discovered the affair until she gets served the divorce papers.

 

b.) when revealing to the WS of the affair best to have a VAR or phone to record the conversation and confessions.

 

To many times I see BS approach there WS without evidence. Even discussing divorce without any plans. This behavior needs to be corrected.

Edited July 31, 2015 by m.snow

[road]

Never reveal how you found out. If you do you have just taught the WS how to close that access down.

 

 

Do not confront when you have suspicions, gather proof first.

 

 

Do a full exposure once you find out.

[fellini]

To many times I see BS approach there WS without evidence. Even discussing divorce without any plans. This behavior needs to be corrected.

 

This final point I completely disagree with. Everything you say smacks of "control". It's as if you had total control, you would have a successful Dday.

 

Well there are no successful Ddays. The single issue of DDAy is that you have been BETRAYED. The rest are details. Some people need all the details, and if that is the case, your suggestions make sense.

 

But I know a WW who discovered her H was sleeping with an intern many years ago, just after she had given birth. She told him to stop. He did. The OW left the job, and they resumed their marriage. To this day - 20 years later - she is very clear: She wanted to know nothing other than it wasn't going to happen again. Her husband stopped cheating and they resumed their marriage. They are still very happy together.

 

Not everyone feels the same way you do.

 

She did NOT need her "behaviour to be corrected".

 

And you know, if divorce is on the table, what does it matter all the rest? For most people divorce is a legal issue that has no planning. It just gets done.

Im not sure you can create a "BS handbook" any more than there really exists a "cheaters handbook". I understand the safety and comfort that comes from such thoughts, but when we start to take these things as real, and apply them like templates onto our lives, I think we can lose ourselves in the process.

[Sandy43]

I made some errors and wish I found this site beforehand but it is what it is now. I confronted with only finding out her name and one text message that wasn't that bad. I was "lucky" that he confessed with that little info. All I did was ask "who is ***?" He at first tried to say it was just someone from work and I said "oh is that the way we are going to play this?" and he confessed. It usually doesn't happen this way so the best advice I can give is gather all of the info you can before confronting and don't let on that you are suspicious. I wish I had been able to gather more info because I don't know the full extent of the A and I never will know.

[autumnnight]

Despite what you may have heard....There is no one size fits all.

 

I do agree that it is very good to have evidence. I also agree - especially for men - if you expect D-Day to be an emotional confrontation as far as the WW's response is concerned, it pays to record. Many a WW has cried "domestic abuse" in the wake of D-Day. I also agree that you should not reveal your source. If you, say, got into his/her email and tell them, they'll just create another one.

 

And the BS should expose the A to close and supportive people, such as friends of the marriage, certain family members, and the other BS. Also the job if the A was conducted at work.

 

I used a lot of shoulds, but that is just what I think is ideal. Only the BS knows their particular dynamic.

[m.snow]

This final point I completely disagree with. Everything you say smacks of "control". It's as if you had total control, you would have a successful Dday.

 

Well there are no successful Ddays. The single issue of DDAy is that you have been BETRAYED. The rest are details. Some people need all the details, and if that is the case, your suggestions make sense.

 

But I know a WW who discovered her H was sleeping with an intern many years ago, just after she had given birth. She told him to stop. He did. The OW left the job, and they resumed their marriage. To this day - 20 years later - she is very clear: She wanted to know nothing other than it wasn't going to happen again. Her husband stopped cheating and they resumed their marriage. They are still very happy together.

 

Not everyone feels the same way you do.

 

She did NOT need her "behaviour to be corrected".

 

And you know, if divorce is on the table, what does it matter all the rest? For most people divorce is a legal issue that has no planning. It just gets done.

Im not sure you can create a "BS handbook" any more than there really exists a "cheaters handbook". I understand the safety and comfort that comes from such thoughts, but when we start to take these things as real, and apply them like templates onto our lives, I think we can lose ourselves in the process.

 

control - yes, you have to take control of what you can. rather than just accept it and let everything go out of control.

 

rather i take control of my life than others control me.

-imagine going into a false R which happen all to often here.

 

there are "no successful ddays" but there is trickle truthing? right? and things being taken underground

 

your example of the wife not wanting details. isn't that just rug sweeping

that's might be appropriated to luck or ignorance is just a bliss.

but its great that it went well for her. but for many of us the road is a bit rougher.

 

Not everyone true. cause affairs impact people differently.

but without a doubt a majority of people here are affected painfully I might add.

 

You said divorce needs no planning and just a legal thing. I assure lawyers would disagree. To the few finances are uncomplicated but for the many finances are a matter of destitution. some of us here have a lot to lose.

 

I understand our attitude of "Sh*t Happens" you cant control it, or What Happens happens. that's good for some but not for all that's probably why there are still a lot of bs here in ls.

 

and yeah some even question monogamy in marriage or in life. so affairs are irrelevant maybe? but the truth is we are in an INFIDELITY forum we would not be here if we supported infidelity.

 

information just like a condom. rather have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.

 

there is no doubt that information is important for most of us.

and not to simply live a risky life like shooting an arrow with a blind fold.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

to add on the opening paragraph.

 

-by finding information first about the affair. BS may also be able to see what caused your WS to stray. the reasons for the affair.

far to often the real reasons for the A are not given clearly by WS. again leading to false R.

 

-by gathering information your are best able to decide whether to D or R

 

-by revealing information to early. WS may take A underground. leading to more problems with R

 

-avoid falsely diagnosing an A.

 

ex. BS believes that WS is simply promiscuous after yrs of false R leads to divorce. failing to diagnose the issue of drugs which was the root cause of A. Drug rehab was more needed than IC or MC.

 

_I hope that someone can wright an article or guide the least. Even if its not perfect to help all BS out there. English is not my native tongue and have a hard time with making such article. so i hope someone out there can. or if its already out there to post it here in LS as a sticky!

Edited July 31, 2015 by m.snow

[autumnnight]

-avoid falsely diagnosing an A.

 

This. Sometimes to a hammer, everything is a nail. i know some people who assume EVERY time a spouse wants to leave (especially a wife) there MUST be an affair.

 

False.

[Be_Strong]

The list is great, but the problem is that almost all betrayed spouses won't have access to the list or its contents when they're blind-sided on D-Day. The thing about betrayal is that you are usually not expecting it, so before you find out, you're not going to have this list handy to counsel you on how to handle the betrayal.

[Be_Strong]

I've got to also say that the more I've thought about this, the less I feel there's a point to going through all of the dance set out in the above list. In today's modern world, no-fault divorces are available everywhere. If a spouse wants to divorce for no reason or any reason, the divorce will happen. Affairs during a marriage have zero significance in a divorce when it comes to splitting up property and child custody/support.

 

So what's the point of being a private detective and gathering evidence against your spouse? You don't have to prove the affair to them or anyone else. If you've had a d-day you've obviously discovered enough to convince yourself and that's all that counts.

 

I think my number one point of advice is to just try to be as indifferent as possible about the whole thing (easier said than done I know). Treat the discovery of the affair as if you just discovered that your marriage has already secretly ended and now you just need to go through the administrative talks of making it final. Stop focusing on all the things you are losing or have already lost and instead think about all the positives awaiting you in your future--new found freedom, independence, a chance to remake yourself and your life, potential new romances, etc.

 

The very first thought that seems to often take over a betrayed spouse's mind on d-day is getting back their spouse. Even before they know the details of the affair, before they've confronted the cheating spouse, before the cheating spouse has apologized or even promised to end the affair, the betrayed spouse wants to reconcile. They want to fix everything. I'm 100% of the view that a decision to reconcile should not be made until there has been a severing of the emotional dependency between the spouses. Too often the decision to reconcile is made while the BS is in a state of shock and panic.

 

Assume the marriage is over, proceed with separation/divorce, and if at some point in the future (at least 6 months) you make a rational, level-headed decision to reconcile, then good luck.

[m.snow]

Affairs during a marriage have zero significance in a divorce when it comes to splitting up property and child custody/support.

 

So what's the point of being a private detective and gathering evidence against your spouse? You don't have to prove the affair to them or anyone else. If you've had a d-day you've obviously discovered enough to convince yourself and that's all that counts.

 

I think my number one point of advice is to just try to be as indifferent as possible about the whole thing (easier said than done I know). Treat the discovery of the affair as if you just discovered that your marriage has already secretly ended and now you just need to go through the administrative talks of making it final. Stop focusing on all the things you are losing or have already lost and instead think about all the positives awaiting you in your future--new found freedom, independence, a chance to remake yourself and your life, potential new romances, etc.

 

Assume the marriage is over, proceed with separation/divorce, and if at some point in the future (at least 6 months) you make a rational, level-headed decision to reconcile, then good luck.

 

fault or no fault. most no-fault states still consider affairs in making decision regarding alimony.

-you would not want to be hit with is lifetime alimony.

-you would want time to prepare, get high chance of 50/50 child support.

-time in the end to keep your resources to yourself as much as possible.

-time to prepare yourself for softer landing rather than vice versa

ex timing of the divorce is important. if its school season the chances of the kids being removed from you is highly unlikely.

 

in almost all d-days. it is always just the Tip of the Ice Berg.

 

how can you make rational, level-headed decision to R with out any prior knowledge of the A.

 

By keeping the discovery from WS. you have more time to prepare yourself for what ever comes next be it D or R.

 

The Gist of this Preparation/SOP is to give the BS Time. Time to prepare physically,emotionally&financially. And not to simply jump out without any preparation and declare an affair then divorce or reconcile.

 

I would even suggest to go to divorce counseling before revealing the knowledge of the affair to WS.

The only time the WS would know of the discovery is when WS gets served. If its clearly beyond repair.

Edited July 31, 2015 by m.snow

[drifter777]

Interesting list - it seems as though it's directed to a BS who already has suspicions and now confronts their WS. The problem is that many d-day's catch the BS completely off guard. They had zero suspicions to this point and they either caught their WS red-handed or had them confess. When this happens the BS is stunned and in no condition to stick to any script. Some BS's come here within a week or so of d-day (or sooner) and the advice in your list can be extremely helpful. But d-day? not so much.

[lolablue17]

Here's my list:

 

1. After you found out - walk away without even saying one word.

Edited August 1, 2015 by lolablue17

[Lois_Griffin]

The Fallacy of the "NC Letter"

 

On D-Day, most betrayed spouses will insist that their cheating spouse have no further contact with their affair partner. It must be cut off at the knees, right then and there - either by text message, email, or snail mail. And the betrayed spouse will want to watch while the cheater does it.

 

Any cheating spouse who doesn't want to find their ass out on the curb in front of the family home (with a handful of their personal belongings in a heap beside them), will agree to this demand and start typing away.

 

Problem is, most cheaters don't mean it. They're just doing to keep their BS happy and to keep from being thrown out the frontdoor. The clear majority of them will take the first opportunity they can to secretly contact their affair partner and apologize for the cold, stern email/text/call they were forced to send and ask them to lay low while the heat is on. They come up with new avenues of contact because the old ones are now being monitored, and take the affair farther underground.

 

Very rarely does a WS send an NC Letter and actually STAND by it.

 

Therefore, if you're going to insist your cheating spouse send an NC letter or text, don't think for a minute it's written in stone.