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OK to Cheat?


ShatteredLady

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ShatteredLady

First, I came from a past with lots of friends & family who discussed everything & anything. Now I'm very isolated. I hope it's ok to ask 'theoretical' questions here just to hear people's views. Please tell me if I'm doing something wrong.

 

I've mentioned in my infidelity posts that I'm a chronic pain sufferer who's been with my husband for 25 years. In each thread I've been asked how 'functional', particularly sexually I am. I'm ok but it makes me wonder.... If I couldn't have sex or was at an end of life situation would it be ok for my husband to cheat? I get the feeling his behaviour would be excused by some members.

 

When 1 person is a chronic pain sufferer (particularly the woman) most marriages end in divorce. "In sickness & health" isn't what it was! It's believed that the statistics are much higher because some stay married but separate for health insurance. I've worked on a support group for CP sufferers & most are divorced or on their 2nd marriage & feel 'dumped' because the first partner couldn't handle it & felt they were missing out on their previous exciting life. Sex is usually present but less exciting & frequent. Not possible after surgeries etc.

 

Of course we talk about communication etc but is the sad truth that even the strongest marriage will fail when unconditional love is most needed? is it ok to have affairs if your partner is sick?

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VeryBrokenMan

Cheating is NEVER ok but I suspect that some here will come up with some scenario as to why it would be. I could see how a previously arranged "open" marriage might be appropriate with the agreement of both spouses in some situations but I don't that would be something that most spouses could handle regardless of the situation. I personally took my vows seriously and the part about "forsaking all others" is something that is non negotiable regardless of the situation.

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TrustedthenBusted

It's never "Ok" to lie and betray your spouse.

 

That said, I think a lot of women write off a man's need for sexual gratification as some selfish, meaningless desire that can, and should be easily set aside for years. Sometimes decades, in the cases of a sick or injured spouse.

 

It's simply not like that for most men. There is a real void in our lives when there is no sexual contact, or unsatisfying sexual contact, and it goes WAY beyond just getting our junk dipped.

 

For me, there is a very strong emotional component to sex that involves feelings of closeness, trust, unity, bonding etc. And of course, we like to feel desirable, just as much as you ladies do.

 

So no...it's not ok. But it's also not an easy thing to deal with.

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autumnnight

Cheating is never okay. This is pretty black and white. If it is wrong, it is wrong even if you become comatose.

 

I have read your posts, and I do not think the issue here is you refusing to care about your hubby's needs. I think that you are really in a lot of pain. All you can do is be the best, most attentive wife you can be within the confine of your condition. If HE makes the selfish choice to cheat anyway, that is ALL on him.

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ShatteredLady,

I am sorry for your situation.

 

In my church there are pre-marriage classes arranged for all those young people who are considering Holy Matrimony. In these classes all these issues are discussed, including the issues you mentioned.

 

In answer to your question;

 

is it ok to have affairs if your partner is sick?

 

The answer is "No".

 

And IMO there is no such thing as an "open" marriage. You are either married or you aren't. Simple.

 

When I was divorced and dating I met a chap who told me he was "separated". I thought he was quite physically attractive so I had a few dates with him.

 

I assumed he was in the process of getting a divorce from his wife but I was wrong.

 

The fact of the matter was, that his wife was in a nursing home suffering from a degenerative disease and he wanted someone to go away with and have "fun" with.

 

I dropped him like a hot potato.

 

My reasoning was that if he could cheat on his wife because she was ill, what would happen if I had a medical problem? Would he be looking elsewhere? If i had to go into hospital overnight for tests then would he be sniffing around elsewhere?

 

Not a good basis for any relationship IMO.

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I don't see how deception is a good idea in any situation. Even people who are in abusive relationships and cheat usually just run into another idiot who just wants to reap the benefits of playing the knight in shining armor and using them AGAIN. Cheating leads nowhere.

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No.

The only time (for me) that it would be ok, is if I specifically told him he could have a sex-only relationship because I was unable. But even then, I don't know if I could...

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Scorpiolover
It's never "Ok" to lie and betray your spouse.

 

That said, I think a lot of women write off a man's need for sexual gratification as some selfish, meaningless desire that can, and should be easily set aside for years. Sometimes decades, in the cases of a sick or injured spouse.

 

It's simply not like that for most men. There is a real void in our lives when there is no sexual contact, or unsatisfying sexual contact, and it goes WAY beyond just getting our junk dipped.

 

For me, there is a very strong emotional component to sex that involves feelings of closeness, trust, unity, bonding etc. And of course, we like to feel desirable, just as much as you ladies do.

 

So no...it's not ok. But it's also not an easy thing to deal with.

 

I believe its like that for women too. Myself, i have not been getting the sexual connection that i need to make me feel closer, connected, loved, wanted, etc. He use to feel like that too, i remember being pregnant with my 3rd child, i was not interested in sex at all. At first he was ok with it because of the pregnancy, then he started getting an attitude. I fealt bad, so i would offer oral to make him feel better.

Now in the present, he is the one witholding from me, i feel like im not wanted anymore, that why is he married to me. We dont talk, or if we do it is stilted. Sex is not what holds marriage together, but the intimacy it creates. I miss it terribly and he doesnt seem to care, nor find ways to make me feel better as i did for him.

Sorry this is your story, not mine.

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I agree with most of the others here. I believe people should be able to make informed decisions about things that impact their lives so extensively. If one spouse wants to play single, the other spouse should be given the opportunity to do the same. People shouldn't be tricked into staying married.

 

I do believe it's a different story if the sexually deprived partner is given a free pass to pursue sex outside the marriage. And I've seen a few cases where it was granted with a request to keep the benevolent spouse in the dark about any of it.

 

If it were me, I'm not sure if I could go so far as to make that offer. But I'd like to think so if I really couldn't service my wife at all.

 

And if my wife made the offer, I'm not sure I could take her up on it. I took the sickness and health part of my vows quite willingly. Honestly, I suspect we'd find a way to make do.

 

But I wouldn't be cheating. I won't deceive my partner that way.

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ShatteredLady

I completely agree "For me, there is a very strong emotional component to sex that involves feelings of closeness, trust, unity, bonding etc. And of course, we like to feel desirable, just as much as you ladies do."

 

I can only speak about spine issues. Most female (Men can have physical sexual problems from spine degeneration) chronic pain sufferers I know want, NEED, even more connection, emotional & physical, TRUST, than before but it has to be different. Slow, gentle, intimate (there's a very real trust component when a wrong move can be crippling), at times, when pain flares badley or after surgery we need that connection but 'traditional' isn't always possible. We need to feel safe, unjudged. Just being held, stroked, massaged can give a precious moments relief from agony.

 

If its truly about "a very strong emotional component...that involves feelings of closeness, trust, unity, bonding etc. feeling desirable" why is not "swinging from the chandlers', thrill & excitement such a common excuse for infidelity?

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"Cheating" under any circumstances destroys the very essence of marriage - once considered "the unpardonable sin".

If my wife gave me untethered permission, I would see it as a test of dedication and endurance of our fidelity.

You adjust to the needs of your partner in all ways necessary, void of alternate sexual surrogates.

"Physical satisfaction" isn't supposed to be first, but where is ranks after that depends on the couple, and not independently - it's reciprocal.

My wife's physical condition changed for several weeks during our past year of recovering from her affair - out of due consideration, I changed. When things got better we readjusted.

Honestly, if her situation hadn't resolved, I would be more than willing to modify my needs/desires to keep it good for both of us.

I love her body - but I love her person all the greater.

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why cheat? and not just divorce? then find a compatible partner.

 

tell me why you want to cheat and not just have a divorce if your not compatible in bed?

 

to me its cheating if you hide it keep it secret.

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why cheat? and not just divorce? then find a compatible partner.

 

tell me why you want to cheat and not just have a divorce if your not compatible in bed?

 

Read the thread, the OP doesn't want to cheat, she is asking if it is generally thought OK for her husband to cheat, as she is in chronic pain and normal sex is not always possible for her.

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Read the thread, the OP doesn't want to cheat, she is asking if it is generally thought OK for her husband to cheat, as she is in chronic pain and normal sex is not always possible for her.

 

then no, of course not. life isn't all about sex.

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Redheaded Mistress
First, I came from a past with lots of friends & family who discussed everything & anything. Now I'm very isolated. I hope it's ok to ask 'theoretical' questions here just to hear people's views. Please tell me if I'm doing something wrong.

 

I've mentioned in my infidelity posts that I'm a chronic pain sufferer who's been with my husband for 25 years. In each thread I've been asked how 'functional', particularly sexually I am. I'm ok but it makes me wonder.... If I couldn't have sex or was at an end of life situation would it be ok for my husband to cheat? I get the feeling his behaviour would be excused by some members.

 

When 1 person is a chronic pain sufferer (particularly the woman) most marriages end in divorce. "In sickness & health" isn't what it was! It's believed that the statistics are much higher because some stay married but separate for health insurance. I've worked on a support group for CP sufferers & most are divorced or on their 2nd marriage & feel 'dumped' because the first partner couldn't handle it & felt they were missing out on their previous exciting life. Sex is usually present but less exciting & frequent. Not possible after surgeries etc.

 

Of course we talk about communication etc but is the sad truth that even the strongest marriage will fail when unconditional love is most needed? is it ok to have affairs if your partner is sick?

 

I'm of the mind that if it's "ok" or not is your joint decision and your joint business. If it works for both you guys, more power to you, good luck, have fun, be safe, and it's a whole lot of none of my business, and I don't think it's cheating.

 

If no such arrangement exists and he goes and does it without your knowledge, while I understand the motivation, understanding does not equal condoning. As somebody who's dealing with a long term debilitating illness, it's hard to remember that it's hard on my husband too, and it's stressful, and potentially confusing. I can understand how the stress may cause an affair to happen.

 

That doesn't excuse it... That just means that knowing it could happen means you've got a perfect reason to talk it over and work together to make sure everybody is Ok. Even if physical needs aren't or can't be met, you can still attend to emotional needs.

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I think a better way to have worded the question is, "is it ever ok to have sex with other people....?" rather than to ask if it's ok to cheat.

 

 

Cheating by it's nature is deceitful, betrayal, lies, selfishness and without foreknowledge or consent. There for by it's very nature, it is never ok.

 

 

However, if one of the partners is unable to fulfill their other partner's

need(s), it is a valid and important topic to discuss on how they can get their needs met.

 

 

It is an important and necessary discussion to have. There are other alternatives if one partner's ability to have full-contact sex is compromised. If they are unable to have intercourse, are there other things that they can do? Are there other activities that they can do to take care of business?

 

 

If a 3rd party is absolutely needed from time to time to keep the other person from climbing the walls, that is something that is open to discussion and negotiation.

 

 

As long as it is something that is openly discussed and mutually agreed upon, it is fair game. Even an agreed upon "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement is still an arrangement.

 

 

So to answer you question, no, I do not think cheating is ever OK because it is cheating and cheating by it's very word implies dishonesty, lies, betrayal, deceit etc etc.

 

 

But some form of mutually consensual open marriage arrangement is fair game.

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I don't agree with this "open marriage" concept.

 

You are either married or you are not.

 

Married people are supposed to have sex, it's a natural part of the relationship if one person cannot fulfill their obligations in this area then technically there is no marriage.

I am not talking about temporary situations where people are separated due to work or after childbirth.

 

The simplest thing is to discuss the possibility of annulling the marriage.

A friend of mine did this because her husband wanted to change sex. After he had the gender re-assignment surgery he was no longer able to be a husband to her and the marriage was annulled.

 

After this was done they split up.

 

IMO if you are unable to meet your partners needs in this area, then you should do the decent thing and set them free to be with someone else who can.

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I'm not in agreement or support of open marriages, but I think some couples do have an agreement to let cheating happen when one spouse or the other is too sick to have sex. It's as simple as they don't want to divorce. The marriage has value. I think when given permission in a circumstance like this, there is an even slimmer chance that the cheating will lead to a divorce, as long as there is a 'don't ask don't tell policy' in place. Just like in "arranged marriages" arrangements like this clear up any confusion or gray areas, and often make the marriages last the longest of all. They are functional like a well-oiled machine.

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I don't agree with this "open marriage" concept.

 

You are either married or you are not.

 

Married people are supposed to have sex, it's a natural part of the relationship if one person cannot fulfill their obligations in this area then technically there is no marriage.

I am not talking about temporary situations where people are separated due to work or after childbirth.

 

The simplest thing is to discuss the possibility of annulling the marriage.

A friend of mine did this because her husband wanted to change sex. After he had the gender re-assignment surgery he was no longer able to be a husband to her and the marriage was annulled.

 

After this was done they split up.

 

IMO if you are unable to meet your partners needs in this area, then you should do the decent thing and set them free to be with someone else who can.

 

 

 

I realize there are people that will have this all-or-nothing ideology to marriage.

 

 

I just believe that there is always room for negotiation and working things out for the greater good.

 

 

Divorce is always an option, but it's not always the best option and many times people simply don't want to it.

 

 

If someone has some kind of condition that impairs their functioning and neither party wants to divorce, but both parties are ok if the other partner makes a discreet trip out of the house every now and then, why can't they???

 

 

If the other partner can't live with being with a person that is not fully functional, they do have the option of divorcing and finding someone else - but why should they be forced to do that if they don't want to and there is a mutually acceptable alternative?

 

 

And if the person who is compromised can't live with their partner is getting needs met elsewhere, they have the option of divorcing as well. But again, if they don't want to divorce and there is a mutually agreeable alternative to divorce, why not give it an honest try?

 

 

It's one thing if one person simply wants to divorce and move on. Divorces happen every day, even with people that are perfectly healthy and capable of having a normal relationship but just choose to move on anyway.

 

 

But why should people be forced to divorce if neither wants to and there is a mutually acceptable alternative option available to them? That just sounds kind of mean.

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....I'm not talking about where one or both people want to divorce. Your friend with the sex change scenario most likely wanted to divorce and find someone else because her husband turned into a woman.

 

 

But I am talking about where neither party wants to divorce and both are willing to look into other options.

 

 

I am of the opinion that marital sexuality and what goes in the marital bed is determined by the couple and not dogma from people outside the marriage.

 

 

If a couple decides that marital sexuality for them can include bringing in a outside contractor now and then, that is up for them to decide, not others.

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Lois_Griffin

OP, I have a question for you. Going to turn the tables for a bit.

 

Before Viagra and Cialis and the like, once a man couldn't get an erection due to bad health or advancing age, that was pretty much it. Intercourse as he and his partner had known became nothing but a memory.

 

I can't imagine all these wives ran out and started cheating on their husbands. I would assume most of them accepted their new reality and learned to live with it. That's how life WAS before Viagra.

 

Isn't your situation basically the same thing but in reverse? If your husband suddenly became impotent due to prostate cancer or diabetes or some other health issue, would you automatically think it was your right to go out and get sex elsewhere or would you learn to live with your new reality?

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....I'm not talking about where one or both people want to divorce. Your friend with the sex change scenario most likely wanted to divorce and find someone else because her husband turned into a woman.

 

 

But I am talking about where neither party wants to divorce and both are willing to look into other options.

 

 

I am of the opinion that marital sexuality and what goes in the marital bed is determined by the couple and not dogma from people outside the marriage.

 

 

If a couple decides that marital sexuality for them can include bringing in a outside contractor now and then, that is up for them to decide, not others.

 

 

 

And I have an example of this as well.

 

 

In our swinging days, We used to know a couple that were high school sweethearts married shortly after high school. 15 years and a family later, he is involved in a farming accident and is completely paralyzed from the waist down and is physiologically unable to obtain an erection.

 

 

He is fitted with an implant that works fine. They are able to have intercourse as long as she is on top and does all the work.

 

 

By her admission she states that since the accident he has picked up amazing oral and manual skills and is able to take care of business with that the majority of the time. And she is able to get off when she is on top and does all the work during intercourse.

 

 

However every now and then she really misses being able to lay back with her legs over shoulders and have the lumber laid to her feeling the ballsack slapping her in the butt.

 

 

They openly communicated about it for a long time and eventually entered the swinging lifestyle together.

 

 

Periodically they would bring home another guy and have the guy slam her hard like she wanted while her husband used his mouth and hands on her.

 

 

They also played with other couples and other ladies would get to benefit from his oral and manual skills while she played with the other husband.

 

 

I know many people find the general concept of swinging distasteful and not for them and that is fine. But in this case it worked for them and they were good with it.

 

 

They have remained happily married and have an intact home and family.

 

 

Even though some people will find the thought of couples inviting others into their bed distasteful, how in this instance would it have been better for this couple to have divorced so she could get pounded every now and then and break up a home and family in the process??????????????

 

 

How would divorce and breaking a home be better than doing something mutually agreeable that they both found fun and exciting????

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but I think some couples do have an agreement to let cheating happen......

 

 

 

If there is an agreement, then it isn't cheating.

 

 

Cheating is when there is not an agreement or one person has said that any sexuality with other people will not be acceptable.

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I'm not in agreement or support of open marriages, but I think some couples do have an agreement to let cheating happen when one spouse or the other is too sick to have sex. It's as simple as they don't want to divorce. The marriage has value. I think when given permission in a circumstance like this, there is an even slimmer chance that the cheating will lead to a divorce, as long as there is a 'don't ask don't tell policy' in place. Just like in "arranged marriages" arrangements like this clear up any confusion or gray areas, and often make the marriages last the longest of all. They are functional like a well-oiled machine.

 

It is not cheating if they have permission. If you have to let your spouse screw someone else in order to keep them then there is no point in even being married.

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I realize there are people that will have this all-or-nothing ideology to marriage.

I just believe that there is always room for negotiation and working things out for the greater good.

 

I think you are coming at this subject from the view of a experienced swinger, so the concept of introducing other people into a marriage is not foreign to you.

 

To many though, I would guess they would rather eat their own hand, than accept their husband or wife having sex with someone else and for their husband/wife to even consider doing such a thing or to even bring it up, would almost be an automatic divorce anyway.

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