TheOneYouHate Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Okay so I sent a NC to my AP and back out of it a few weeks ago. We are full on chatting now, and I can't even think of ending with her now. I mean I have sent a couple of NC letters and they would mean nothing at this point in time. We have some long talks about making a decision to do what is right or what we want. I just look back at all of this and I can't believe I have gotten in this deep. I have never had a problem letting someone go, but with her I can't do it. I get so anxious and panic, and just horrible feeling. I don't know what to do anymore. I do not want to live this dual life, it is exhausting and so stressful, I think I want to work it out at home. My wife loves me to death, and would do anything for me, and has stuck with me for 27 years. I have pushed us apart and yet she stays around. Why can I not end it with this OW, why does she have such a hold on me. She is certainly not more attractive than my wife, and I can't figure out what she gives me that I can't get at home. I am just still struggling, I know I am a cake eater. This is a LDR so we only see each other every few months. We have talked about forever together you name it, everything that would indicate we will always be together. I get so jealous over her, and so controlling it drives me crazy. My IC said she replaced the affection of my mom after she passed away, and kind of left me with nothing. I don't know, all I know is I can't let go, and I don't even know how now. I need a reason, I need an excuse. I almost wish she would piss me off so I could get mad and leave. I don't know people... I am looking for a solution. Anyone been in a situation like this and gotten out that can help Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 I have actually even thought about going to my wife and saying look you have helped me through the hardest things in my life and can you help me through this and just telling her what is going on. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I have actually even thought about going to my wife and saying look you have helped me through the hardest things in my life and can you help me through this and just telling her what is going on. This is a sick joke right? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Your wife sounds like me, she's probably too afraid to D. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 This is a sick joke right? Actually my IC recommended it it would definitely end it for good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 The only way your A will end is if you end it and have it stay ended. If that is what you want. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Your wife will help you with this ,how can you be in the fog and its a ldr it should be easier to no NC just dont respond to her change phone number and go dark, Who do you care for the most wife or OW give your wife a choice but she will help you choose best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 The only way your A will end is if you end it and have it stay ended. If that is what you want. I don't know what I want..I so wish I could just make a decision and move with it. I am a wreck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Your wife sounds like me, she's probably too afraid to D. I think that is very much the truth... I am a paycheck and she works in the school system and we all know how well that pays.. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I don't know people... I am looking for a solution. Anyone been in a situation like this and gotten out that can help You already know what the solution is and it's been told to you multiple times. You just don't want to do it. I don't understand why you keep making threads asking the same question that you keep getting the same answer to. You're not looking for a answer anymore. You're looking for someone to come and fix your mess. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I don't know what I want..I so wish I could just make a decision and move with it. I am a wreck. You don't know what you want because you have 2 people in your life. Whatever choice you make it will be hard no matter what. When you are in an A your judgment is very much clouded. Have you thought of just trying to be alone with yourself for awhile? Take a break. I'm not sure you have the best IC given the advice that was given. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Ask yourself do you really know the other woman? No you dont everthing is great when you only have to see them every few weeks, people change when you are with them everyday and she could tell you anything and you would believe her does she know everything about your wife? Is she single , what kind of women is she do you really know, Look past the addiction you have and think look past the fog Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I think he will lose both of them before he takes action for a permanent solution. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 You don't know what you want because you have 2 people in your life. Whatever choice you make it will be hard no matter what. When you are in an A your judgment is very much clouded. Have you thought of just trying to be alone with yourself for awhile? Take a break. I'm not sure you have the best IC given the advice that was given. I have considered being alone for awhile.. My wife is not real keen on that..My IC has recommended it as well. The IC recommendation for asking my wife for help.. IDK.. maybe it was bad advice, it was more I think that she knew that would end it permanently and there would be no going back. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Actually my IC recommended it it would definitely end it for good. I think it's good advice... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Ask yourself do you really know the other woman? No you dont everthing is great when you only have to see them every few weeks, people change when you are with them everyday and she could tell you anything and you would believe her does she know everything about your wife? Is she single , what kind of women is she do you really know, Look past the addiction you have and think look past the fog I really don't know her that well and she very well could be telling me anything and doing another and that is a fear of mine. She is not single she is married, "separated in house". It is an addiction and a bad one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 You already know what the solution is and it's been told to you multiple times. You just don't want to do it. I don't understand why you keep making threads asking the same question that you keep getting the same answer to. You're not looking for a answer anymore. You're looking for someone to come and fix your mess. I am obviously struggling.. I guess I am stupid... and can't make the right decision... and I guess I need to hear it over and over again. Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 She is doing another called her husband, if she's doing it to him she's gonna do it to you. She kows you wont leave you are a play thing to her, i bet you sent her money too she is no good Just stop you are doing this to yourself if you love yourself stop if not your body will give you a reality check , 1 Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Why is that a fear she's not yours? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 She is doing another called her husband, if she's doing it to him she's gonna do it to you. She kows you wont leave you are a play thing to her, i bet you sent her money too she is no good Just stop you are doing this to yourself if you love yourself stop if not your body will give you a reality check , No no money but I do go see her... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 She is doing another called her husband, if she's doing it to him she's gonna do it to you. She kows you wont leave you are a play thing to her, i bet you sent her money too she is no good Just stop you are doing this to yourself if you love yourself stop if not your body will give you a reality check , I do always go see her, because her in house separated husband asks too many questions and would figure out where she was going.. and then throw her out. I know lame. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I think it's good advice... Mr. Lucky If my H told me this I would not be one tiny bit impressed. I'm not going to help him get out of an affair , if he can't figure it out himself - then I really have to question if I still want him. In fact I'd insist we seperate because there's no guarantee I'd still want this marriage depending on how long it has been going on and other details of the affair. Having said all this, telling your wife will certainly be life changing however you spin it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I am obviously struggling.. I guess I am stupid... and can't make the right decision... and I guess I need to hear it over and over again. You are not stupid. And change that can't to won't. There you have your answer. You want it to be easy. It won't be. If you wanted to do the right thing you would do it anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I do always go see her, because her in house separated husband asks too many questions and would figure out where she was going.. and then throw her out. I know lame. If they really are seperated in house or otherwise , why would he throw her out? If they're seperated why all the questions? Do you really believe what she's telling you on this one? Your risking your marriage for a woman you don't know that well , which doesn't make sense at all. Now if you want to seperate, it doesn't matter if your wife is keen or not , it's what you need to do. You find a place and move out after you've discussed it. Of course you risk her saying she's going to file for D, if you don't give a good enough reason for wanting a seperation, otherwise she might decide she's not leaving her future for you to decide. Obviously you know her best and may know she'd never leave you no matter what you did. Confession is better than being caught. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I do think you should tell your wife what is going on, but to expect her to help you get out of an A is what I first reacted to. Once you tell your wife she is probably going to need help and expecting her to empathize with your situation is futile. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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