Jump to content

Screwed up everything!


JohnathanM

Recommended Posts

Good day everyone

 

I was hoping i'd find a forum like this, since i'm in need of good support right now. So here is my story:

 

I'm married since 2007 and have 2 children. As you might hear here a lot, things haven't been good in my marriage for some time now. There are some good times (it is bearable) but me and my wife seem two different people. We rarely agree on anything, can't make decisions together, we have different values, almost no communication on fixing issues and so on.

 

That leads to the other story. Last year i met someone. Single woman, beautiful, intelligent and has never been married.

Didn't plan to, i wasn't looking for an affair. I started to get to know her, talking everyday and going out very often. It soon became a physical and emotional affair, we became very close and i really started to care for her.

 

I told her a bit about my life at home, not very much since she never actually asked me any detail at that time. For all she knew, i was just an "unhappy man" who is looking for something else (my guess).

 

To make the story short, few months later she became pregnant. I was terrified for what i have done (being irresponsible) and for screwing things up the way that i did. I did not tell her to get an abortion, i did not tell my wife any of it. I wanted to take responsibility for the child while i was still terrified of the outcome of it all. I felt guilty for ruining her life and thinking i would ruin everyone else's life.

 

She didn't ask me to leave my marriage, although i did tell her i will if she decides to keep the baby. I now know that i might have been used the baby as an escape from my marriage.

 

After few weeks, while she was ****ed up, confused and didn t know what to do, she decided that the best would be not to keep the baby in this situation.

She did not trust me with the life of her child and i couldn't do much in a such short period of time.

 

I know that she took this decision because of me, although i didn't ask her for a termination, i didn't stop her either.

I was filled with guilt and remorse seeing what this has done to her and i still am. I tried to be there for her through all of this, i took care of her and for a very long time after i was seriously considering to separate from my wife, seeing that my stupid choices, selfishness and lack of action had brought me into this situation.

 

We continued the affair while trying to heal and be there for each other. No one at home even noticed that i was in such an enormous pain, which made me question my life even more.

 

Fast forward, we started talking a bit about "what ifs", she told me that she loved me but did not wanna screw up my life and the kids lives (the 3 of them), but hearing me so many times that i want out of the marriage anyway, she wouldn't mind being with me if i make this decision.

 

I started to think about my life with her, but the reality would kick me everytime i went home and saw my kids. I became confused, i couldn't think leaving the house and not seeing them everyday, i couldn't think of them having to live in a broken family, i didn't know how my wife would react to a separation. So i pretty much chickened out, being confused planning to do things and never did.

 

So she started thinking that i'm playing her, that i gave her hope when she was in a vulnerable situation because so many times i told her i want to do something and i did not. I never even came up with a plan to share with her even if i was thinking about it, although i know she would have waited for me. So she decided to leave me and i pretty much agreed with this.

 

And here i am, still confused, guilty, miserable, having no clue what my life is anymore. Please don't judge.

 

Thanks for reading my story!

 

J

Link to post
Share on other sites

not sure what to tell you. your affair is over -- you're left with your marriage.

 

so... did you talk with your W about how unhappy you are? can you seek MC, if not to mantain the marriage... then to try to leave it peacefully...?

 

how old are your children?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger

Are you sure you're not using your kids as an excuse- you take time and mental energy away from them now (or did) by having an affair- how is "seeing them everyday when you leave the house" a better solution- although not a huge fan of divorce, its not a death sentence for kids- if your marriage is truly unhappy, spending quality time with your kids in a divorce situation is probably the healthier choice-for all-

 

I am wondering if you are just too scared as a person to make the leap and divorce-

 

If you find even with this experience that you are still unhappy in your marriage-I urge you to get marriage counseling or begin the steps towards ending your marriage-

 

Oh and some birth control is also a good idea- you probably do not want any more kids at this point-

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
not sure what to tell you. your affair is over -- you're left with your marriage.

 

so... did you talk with your W about how unhappy you are? can you seek MC, if not to mantain the marriage... then to try to leave it peacefully...?

 

how old are your children?

 

 

I always thought that things are bearable at home, but after all this i started to question a lot of things. We both know how we stand and kept things like this. Did not really discuss separation so far.

She knows nothing about the affair and i'm planning to keep it this way.

My children are 5 and 7. I just feel so guilty about all of it and i think everyday of what i have done to the other woman.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Are you sure you're not using your kids as an excuse- you take time and mental energy away from them now (or did) by having an affair- how is "seeing them everyday when you leave the house" a better solution- although not a huge fan of divorce, its not a death sentence for kids- if your marriage is truly unhappy, spending quality time with your kids in a divorce situation is probably the healthier choice-for all-

 

I am wondering if you are just too scared as a person to make the leap and divorce-

 

If you find even with this experience that you are still unhappy in your marriage-I urge you to get marriage counseling or begin the steps towards ending your marriage-

 

Oh and some birth control is also a good idea- you probably do not want any more kids at this point-

 

 

Thanks G

 

I know i am scared, yes. My wife suggested counseling some time ago but i refused since i know it won't change anything on he long run and i would have to come clean about the affair.

Link to post
Share on other sites
purplesorrow
Thanks G

 

I know i am scared, yes. My wife suggested counseling some time ago but i refused since i know it won't change anything on he long run and i would have to come clean about the affair.

You don't want to seek help and you don't want to stay miserable. What is your wife supposed to do with that?

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger
You don't want to seek help and you don't want to stay miserable. What is your wife supposed to do with that?

 

 

 

I agree- you don't want to work on yourself or your marriage yet you say your kids are your focus- how do those two things align in your mind? Do you have a solution- I am wondering what will prevent you from cheating again, perhaps with even worse consequences to yourself and your family-

 

Sounds like your wife is trying if she suggested counseling- do you care for or respect her at all-even as a person?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I agree- you don't want to work on yourself or your marriage yet you say your kids are your focus- how do those two things align in your mind? Do you have a solution- I am wondering what will prevent you from cheating again, perhaps with even worse consequences to yourself and your family-

 

Sounds like your wife is trying if she suggested counseling- do you care for or respect her at all-even as a person?

 

 

We have tried counseling before. It did not work out. We both had to quit after few sessions.

I decided to stay for the kids, as silly as this may sound. If it's an excuse i haven't figured it out yet. I do not seem to find the means right now to figure out anything.

Thsnk you for posting

Link to post
Share on other sites
I always thought that things are bearable at home, but after all this i started to question a lot of things. We both know how we stand and kept things like this. Did not really discuss separation so far.

She knows nothing about the affair and i'm planning to keep it this way.

My children are 5 and 7. I just feel so guilty about all of it and i think everyday of what i have done to the other woman.

 

if you are 100% your marriage is over -- then tell that to your W. sit down with her and tell her that you want out. from that, you can work something out - you will either separate and stay under the same roof until the kids are older and then divorce OR maybe your W will decide to leave you alltogether. or you can simply try separating and working things out as a separated couple and co-parents and see how it goes.

 

since the A is over and you have no interest in saving the M - i don't see the point in coming clean about it to the W. "i don't love you anymore" is more than enough & it sends a clear message. however - be honest with her. she deserves to make informed choices and she deserves to know how much you want out of the marriage and that's it over for you.

 

good luck.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Didn't plan to, i wasn't looking for an affair.

I started to get to know her, talking everyday and going out very often.

 

So the way you didn't look for an affair was to talk every day with an attractive single woman and go out with her often? Don't know how you could be expected to be honest with the women in your life, you're not even honest with yourself.

 

Think about what you've done to this point. You say you're staying for the kids yet you ignore your family in pursuit of the affair (while complaining they don't recognize your pain :confused:). You say you care for your OW but your actions have put her through a terminated pregnancy and a withdrawn commitment.

 

And all in the name of your 'Happiness". How's that working out for you?

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
HurtOfGlass

If your marriage is this bad, assuming you & your are Westerners, your wife has been probably cheating on you too....

 

But I really feel sorry for your AP. You made her lose a child. I know how painful it is for a woman to lose a child because I saw my aunt deliver a stillborn baby...

Link to post
Share on other sites
And here i am, still confused, guilty, miserable, having no clue what my life is anymore. Please don't judge.

 

The truth is there's no reason to judge you because you have already judged yourself. For a good reason. Unfortunately, most people don't take all of these negative feelings about the choices they have made and produce change. Instead, they keep it inside and allow all of that guilt and depression to be the feeding ground for more bad choices. So, what exactly are you going to do? Have you even considered going to a counselor? How about a Pastor? If you think that you can just keep all of this to yourself and keep your wife in the dark, you have another thing coming. I am 99% sure she already has her suspicions and is as unhappy as you are. Your children deserve a home that is safe and loving. Not a father who stays around just because he feels too guilty to leave. If you love them as much as you say you do then get the help you need and change the atmosphere of your home and your marriage in particular. It can be done if you really want it to. A great place to start is The National Institute of Marriage which specializes in helping hopeless marriages. If you want more information just ask. Otherwise, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

wow. u sound just like my xMM. blah blah kids, blah blah i m confused.

oh really? did your grow up with mommy and daddy? because mine did!!!

how did that work for u?

 

and how much did u really care for the OW? did u bleed your child out for 6 hours? were u in an excruciating pain for weeks? did u have nightmares? did u cry until this very day for it?

 

u say u sacrifice yourself and stay for your kids so maybe u get my point here. and yet u re a big boy, scared and confused who doesn t have a clue what s on his mind. But all of this for your HAPPINESS, as someone stated above.

 

U have really no idea what your AP went thru. u say she left you. she did good. i did the same thing!!!! u have no idea the pain and torment and hell she s been thru.

 

Keep in mind that this post is from a OW who s been thru all of this!!!

 

May God have mercy on your soul!

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
ladydesigner

I am just always amazed at how a WS is entitled to such happiness.

 

OP I suggest you find yourself a great counselor to work your issues out with because you have plenty given you have destroyed 2 peoples lives (although one of them still does not know).

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces

If you really don't love your wife and want your marriage, get a divorce. Your kids are smarter than you think. You think your doing the right thing by sticking it out, but your just postponing the inevitable. Truth is, you wanted both. Your boring, easy life with wifey and the kids, and the OW on the side to make you feel like man you want to be. Best thing she did was walk.

Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger
wow. u sound just like my xMM. blah blah kids, blah blah i m confused.

oh really? did your grow up with mommy and daddy? because mine did!!!

how did that work for u?

 

and how much did u really care for the OW? did u bleed your child out for 6 hours? were u in an excruciating pain for weeks? did u have nightmares? did u cry until this very day for it?

 

u say u sacrifice yourself and stay for your kids so maybe u get my point here. and yet u re a big boy, scared and confused who doesn t have a clue what s on his mind. But all of this for your HAPPINESS, as someone stated above.

 

U have really no idea what your AP went thru. u say she left you. she did good. i did the same thing!!!! u have no idea the pain and torment and hell she s been thru.

 

 

Keep in mind that this post is from a OW who s been thru all of this!!!

 

May God have mercy on your soul!

 

 

Great post- raw and real- honestly- no one likes being jerked around- not the OW, not the BS- no one- you are hurting real people that invested themselves in you- think on it-

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I always thought that things are bearable at home, but after all this i started to question a lot of things. We both know how we stand and kept things like this. Did not really discuss separation so far.

She knows nothing about the affair and i'm planning to keep it this way.

My children are 5 and 7. I just feel so guilty about all of it and i think everyday of what i have done to the other woman.

 

What about what you've done to your wife? And kids?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you for your replies. Most of them were not easy to read (damn).

I know i seem like a horrible person but i did not mean for any of this to happen.

 

Things at home have been how they've been, as i said, bearable. The atmosphere is bearable. We discuss kids and work and chores and maybe act like a normal family. But we both know things haven't been good for a while, just none seems to take any step.

 

I agree i am scared, mostly of the unknown, of what it's gonna be if i divorce, how my kids are going to be, freinds, family and everything. Some of you know it's not an easy choice. Even the other woman said that she is sure my marriage will end sooner or later. And well, i guess she hoped sooner while she was still around and believed i would take action and not just talk.

 

My guilt is not only about what i did to her. It s about the whole situation, betraying my wife and kids, realizing that my life as it is could be a lie and ending up wondering what to do. I am an adult and i should know by now.

 

My affair is over because it HAD TO. I didn't want it to end, she didn't want it to end. She figured it's best for her, since i'm just words and no action. So i just went along and agreed, feeling that i should let her go. I have put her through so much pain that she didn't deserve, all because of my bull****.

 

I know i'm a wreck right now and trying to figure out a way to make sense of all this.

 

Thank you again, you are being helpful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My guilt is not only about what i did to her. It s about the whole situation, betraying my wife and kids, realizing that my life as it is could be a lie and ending up wondering what to do. I am an adult and i should know by now.

 

JM, here's a secret - NOBODY knows what to do.

 

What good people know is how to go about doing it.

 

Commitment, integrity, honesty, respect and consideration are all principles that, if applied as best you can to your life, will lead you down a pretty good path. There will be bumps and detours but you'll be happy overall with the direction.

 

How would you describe the principles that have guided your life the last couple years :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hello Mr. Lucky

 

That's a good question. Probably if i ended up in this situation, i petty much don't know the answer.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I recommend individual counseling for yourself. Forget marriage counseling for now. You can spill your guts to your individual counselor and your wife and no one else would know.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hello Mr. Lucky

 

That's a good question. Probably if i ended up in this situation, i petty much don't know the answer.

 

Pretty disingenuous answer. You don't know what honesty and integrity are? No idea how to employ those qualities in your life, starting now?

 

Do you mean this:

 

You can spill your guts to your individual counselor and your wife. No one else would know.

 

or this?

 

You can spill your guts to your individual counselor. Your wife and no one else would know.

 

Big difference...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have had some rough couple of days.

Waking up, just doing my things, getting the kids ready for kindergarten, going to work and so on. I think i am trying to keep myself busy and shut down this pain.

I just cannot find any way to make things right. I feel like i am at a crossroad in my life and i cannot seem to find any right way.

Don't plan to disclose my A to my wife, since it is over. The Ow hasn't contacted me. It is hard to not know how she's holding up, I feel there's a hell inside me that i can't get out from

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces
Thanks everyone for your replies. I have had some rough couple of days.

Waking up, just doing my things, getting the kids ready for kindergarten, going to work and so on. I think i am trying to keep myself busy and shut down this pain.

I just cannot find any way to make things right. I feel like i am at a crossroad in my life and i cannot seem to find any right way.

Don't plan to disclose my A to my wife, since it is over. The Ow hasn't contacted me. It is hard to not know how she's holding up, I feel there's a hell inside me that i can't get out from

 

 

I hope when I kick my AP to the curb he feels the same amount of hell.

 

Please just leave the OW alone. I'm not surprised your not telling your wife.

Edited by Ifalltopieces
Misspelling
Link to post
Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing
Thanks everyone for your replies. I have had some rough couple of days.

Waking up, just doing my things, getting the kids ready for kindergarten, going to work and so on. I think i am trying to keep myself busy and shut down this pain.

I just cannot find any way to make things right. I feel like i am at a crossroad in my life and i cannot seem to find any right way.

Don't plan to disclose my A to my wife, since it is over. The Ow hasn't contacted me. It is hard to not know how she's holding up, I feel there's a hell inside me that i can't get out from

 

How do expect to be an effective parent when you don't know how to manage your own life in a healthy way?

 

 

Often, when one uses "I don't know what to do" they really mean "I don't wanna".

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...