'Innocent Friendship' with old affair

[ShatteredLady]

Over a decade ago my husband had an affair with a coworker. We had been together for many years but suddenly he became a completely different person, cruel & verbally very abusive. Then I discovered the affair. I stayed because I love him, I was completely isolated in a new country & to be honest...he wasn't himself!!

Anyway...we didn't deal with it at all really. My brother took his own life. I was already lost & broken. I was in shock. My husband was wonderful & life moved on. We've had 2 beautiful children. I have a degenerative spine now. I can function but chronic pain is a beast to live with. It's impossible to explain how hard it is to battle every single day but I do!!

On New Years Day my life fell apart. I've posted about this. It started with a post from my husband on my chronic pain support group forum. He spoke of his longing for "love, romance & adventure", how I held him back & how he was choosing between "existing" with me & perusing the exciting life he yearned for. I was devastated. He said many cruel things. I felt very responsible.

On Mothers Day I discovered that he had sent 2 bunches of flowers. One to me with a card reading "love (his name & our kids names)" & one to the woman he had an affair with all those years ago with a card reading "To the best mother in the world! Love (his name)". I was in shock! I was devastated! It turns out that she's mailed him over the years & he says he's always ignored it. Last November after I was recovering from surgery & deeply depressed he says he responded & started this 'friendship' with her. It's purely online. She now lives many states away.

His only acknowledgement of my feelings is to say "Of course I care or I wouldn't of kept it secret!". He won't talk about it. Says the flowers are just what you do for any friend. I wasn't making him feel loved or appreciated. She makes him feel good about himself. This went on for about 7 months. He makes me feel like its a big sacrifice that he's stopped talking to her...to begin with he just continued writing to her. He's making me feel stupid & pathetic for blowing it out of all proportion. It's brought back the worst time in my life! It wasn't just the affair. He was so (uncharacteristically) cruel. At the time a complete stranger handed me an abused woman's rescue group card after observing us together in a shop. It was that bad!!

I'm so broken. Living with unrelenting pain & caring for young children is beyond challenging. I live in America thousands of miles from my friends & family. I'm so alone. I know my mind isn't as strong as it was. I'm desperate. I'm lost.

I have this desire to know what they talked about everyday. I know that's not rational. He says he's stopped talking to her because I wanted him to but every time I watch him reading his phone or writing on his computer I'm wondering if he's writing to her, what's he saying? If it was so innocent can't I read what they wrote? I'm jealous & pathetic! I want him to write to ME, tell ME things. I feel so desperately alone & trapped.

It broke my heart on mothers day. Before I knew the truth my card message made me sad to be honest. Just writing "Love...." is what you send an acquaintance & not the love of your life, the mother of our children. He's making me feel like my feelings are a complete overreaction & not worth discussing.

 

Do I have a right to see their correspondence? Is it an invasion of privacy. He keeps saying "it was a decade ago! Let it go! This is just friendship!" but this has brought everything back. For all those months they wrote nearly everyday. Are my feelings 'normal'? I feel betrayed. I feel like it's an emotional affair. I just want to go home, run away with my kids. My life is already more than I can handle on my own. I know he has added pressures, having to shop etc because of my pain. I understand him wanting someone to talk to but of every person in the whole world why her?

 

I know what I sound like! I know I'm fragile & weak. I just need some truth & clear thinking from the members here. I'm doubting everything. I'm so lost & confused. I'm a hapless romantic. I want "In sickness & health" to mean something. I'm angry that he makes me feel like this is all my fault. If I wasn't crippled, if I was more fun this wouldn't of happened. Maybe that's true but why her? I'm heartbroken & feel like my emotions are irrelevant & annoying...

[SammySammy]

His behavior is inconsiderate and disrespectful. From my perspective, the physical part of their affair may have been ten years ago but the emotional affair is ongoing.

 

I don't know how to resolve the situation, but I think being truthful and accurate in defining what is going on is a start.

[road]

Yes this affair has restarted, EA's are just as painful as PA's. He must go NC.

[truncated]

It sounds like you and he should see a therapist or marriage counselor together. You seem to have some issues that are not being resolved ( you feel guilty because of your health issues, he feels resentful because of them, and you both feel sad).

 

It also sounds like he has turned to this ow to talk to, and she is more than happy to feed his ego. She's likely giving him the "poor baby" treatment, and is providing a sympathetic ear to his troubles.

 

I find it troubling that he sees nothing wrong with his actions, and no, it's not normal to send a card and flowers to an old flame ( who he was cheating on you with) that says "love" on it.

 

While I can empathize with him feeling weighed down by everything, he's using that as an excuse to himself to act like an ass towards you, and that is not okay.

[understand50]

ShatteredLady

 

"Do I have a right to see their correspondence? Is it an invasion of privacy."

Yes, he had an affaire, end of subject. He should be open with everything.

 

 

"He keeps saying "it was a decade ago! Let it go! This is just friendship!" but this has brought everything back. For all those months they wrote nearly everyday. Are my feelings 'normal'? "

 

Yes, you are being normal. Do not apologize. He is in the WRONG.

 

"I feel betrayed. I feel like it's an emotional affair. "

 

It is.

 

I just want to go home, run away with my kids. My life is already more than I can handle on my own. I know he has added pressures, having to shop etc because of my pain. I understand him wanting someone to talk to but of every person in the whole world why her?

 

He has no excuse for this, and is causing you pain and should stop. You are right to insist on NO CONTACT,

 

"I know what I sound like! I know I'm fragile & weak. I just need some truth & clear thinking from the members here. I'm doubting everything. I'm so lost & confused. I'm a hapless romantic. I want "In sickness & health" to mean something. I'm angry that he makes me feel like this is all my fault. If I wasn't crippled, if I was more fun this wouldn't of happened. Maybe that's true but why her? I'm heartbroken & feel like my emotions are irrelevant & annoying..."

 

You sound like a normal person, female, who sees his spouse cheating and wants him to stop and start working on the marriage. Marriage means he should be concentrating on you and the kids.

 

"I'm heartbroken & feel like my emotions are irrelevant & annoying..."

 

I am sorry for your pain, things will get better. You need to make a plan, course of action and put it in place. This will give you some control of your life and make you feel better.

 

I wish you luck, and what's more Peace of mind. You may have to leave him if he will not get his act together. In my opinion, he is hurting you, and doing it deliberately. You should not put up with this. Be strong, and find you self worth. You deserve better, and you should insist on it. BTW, is the other Woman married? if you may want to drop a line to the spouse.

 

Keep posting, we are here to help.

[waterwoman]

Regardless of whether he is in an affair or not, some of the things he wrote and did and unforgiveable! So sorry x

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you so much for responding.

She isn't married. She was artificially inseminated & has 2 children. That's the "Best mother in the world" message.

 

From Christmas until mothers day I thought I was the worst wife in the world! Since I've discovered their relationship it feels like last time... Me blindsided with criticism. I'm terrible, I'm a burden etc. THEN I find the flowers receipt!!

 

Is it common for a husband to not only become indifferent to his wife, but I be venomous, cruel, angry while having an emotional affair? It was worse when he was actually having an affair in the past but he's been uncharacteristically cruel. He says it was my neglect of his feelings (not making him feel special etc) that made him 'give-up' & pushed him to her... I wonder if it's a chicken/egg situation. Did he "give-up" & become angry with me BECAUSE of his relationship with her?

 

He wants it all forgotten. I can't get it out of my mind.

[Spectre]

He are the rules for affairs: you have one and your spouse for some reason forgives you? You do not get to ever have any contact whatsoever with that person again. No, not emails, not texts, not farewell letters. No, not even morse code. A person can't follow those? So long and thanks for all the fish.

 

This is why it is especially bad to cheat with: co workers or people you had kids with in the past.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Spectre

[ShatteredLady]

When it happened all those years ago they were the rules. He says that although she would drop him a note once or twice a year he never answered until last November.

He just says "It was 10 years ago!", "We are just friends, just chatting, nothing romantic".

Our marriage dramatically changed over December. I thought he was going through depression (he's always suffered with that) only to be completely blindsided on New Years Day. He told me how miserable he was. How he didn't feel loved & special. We had NEVER had a conversation about this! When low he would say categorically that it was work, nothing I'd done, nothing I had to change.

Now he's trying & wants everything to be normal. He doesn't want to talk about any of it. I'm so hurt. I can't just bottle this up & take the pain. I WANT to know what they talked about. Why not if it was so innocent?

[Spectre]

The problem is there should be nothing he has to even say to her. He doesn't get to talk to this woman, at all. I hate when people cheat and then act like they shouldn't have to give up anything because of it. They act like the consequences to their actions are some type of "punishment' instead of just..consequences for selfish behavior.

[ShatteredLady]

It just hurts so much. I thought I was stupid last time & now I've been completely blindsided again....after dwelling on what I'd done wrong for months! Feeling like he was completely innocent & I'd make him so miserable without even knowing how I'd done it! I've been questioning everything about myself. Living with chronic pain, recovering from surgery, I NEEDED him but was made to feel like a burden that was robbing him of happiness. Now I discover he's been sharing everything with her!!

[sandylee1]

Oh dear , this is a horrible situation. I think there are two problems here. His ongoing contact with the OW and the way he feels about the marriage. Something needs to be done, because right now the two of you aren't happy and he feels he is being limited and not living the life he wants.

 

Everyone is different, but I'd personally discuss leaving to return to my home country with the kids and he can live the life he wants. Obviously you need to sort out visitation , which is more complex between two countries.

 

You can't do anything about the reasons he's unhappy, so nothing will change and if it's not this OW, he may reach out to find another for n EA online.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know what I sound like! I know I'm fragile & weak. I just need some truth & clear thinking from the members here. I'm doubting everything. I'm so lost & confused. I'm a hapless romantic. I want "In sickness & health" to mean something. I'm angry that he makes me feel like this is all my fault. If I wasn't crippled, if I was more fun this wouldn't of happened. Maybe that's true but why her? I'm heartbroken & feel like my emotions are irrelevant & annoying...

 

Can you describe the parameters of your condition as it affects your marriage? Do you have an active sex life? How would your husband describe your day-to-day life?

 

Mr. Lucky

[nightmare01]

There is no such thing as "innocent" contact with an ex-AP. You need to see ALL correspondence AND all contact needs to be cut immediately. You need to have access to all modes of communication too, in order to verify that contact has stopped.

 

If this is not ok with your WH, show him the door.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You need a divorce & a caregiver. Let him go. He doesn't really love you. Get the help you need to be a good mom. Find a guy who will truly love you.

[OldRover]

ShatteredLady,

 

It's clear that he has some issues that need to be resolved and hope you have the strength to get him through this and find a reconnection where you two regain a romantic and enjoyable life.

 

I'm not saying that you have been in any kind of default to him, but there are things that you can to to encourage him to behave and treat you better. You have a life together. Right now, too precious to throw away.

 

Yes, absolutely the OW must go... 100% no exception, and there's no reason for him to continue.... this sounds like a short term affair, no kids, no long term or related stuff that would cause a contact, and distance is in your favor.

 

Yes, he should let you know everything, and should cease contact without any recourse... no good by, no sorry I can text, no nothing. Just done, period.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you. To answer questions....I shouldn't of used the word 'cripple', it was more an example of the way he made me feel than a reality. I am in pain 24/7 with a degenerative spine but I'm far from bedridden or needing assistance. My husband works long hours & I'm a stay at home Mom.

Last year I had surgery & hard recovery mentally & physically. I can think of many reasons for us to be at a 'low' point. We've been together all our lives, married 19 years. When does someone become FAMILY? Permanent?

If I'm completely honest with myself...I work really hard to manage my pain & the mental **** that goes with it. Sometimes it incredibly difficult. Taking care of kids, hell! doing anything while in agony isn't easy. I'm afraid I just don't have what it takes to 'fight for a marriage' too.

There are times in life that a true partner is needed. Just because I don't need someone to carry me to the bathroom doesn't mean I don't need my hand held.

 

Anyway...He says they're not in contact anymore. He says she was just a friend & he's done nothing wrong. He will do anything to avoid talking about any of this. I NEED to talk about everything that's happened. I know discussing it all will make him feel depressed so I feel guilty but in the past I've hurt myself too much by keeping silent & walking on egg shells to save his feelings. I'm afraid that we're headed for the end if we don't talk. I'm too hurt & betrayed.

[OldRover]

Yes, to make it you'll have to communicate, and without that, it's almost impossible to make things work. He has to come to the table and talk.

[ShatteredLady]

How do you make someone talk who doesn't want to? Sometimes I talk & talk. It makes me feel better. I feel closer, I feel things are resolved...then in the cold light of day I realize I've just spoken & he hasn't really said much at all. I truly feel like he doesn't think he's really done anything wrong & yet I'm so hurt & broken. I fear that my resentment is building. I just need to know that he 'gets-it' but I don't think he does.

[understand50]

How do you make someone talk who doesn't want to? Sometimes I talk & talk. It makes me feel better. I feel closer, I feel things are resolved...then in the cold light of day I realize I've just spoken & he hasn't really said much at all. I truly feel like he doesn't think he's really done anything wrong & yet I'm so hurt & broken. I fear that my resentment is building. I just need to know that he 'gets-it' but I don't think he does.

 

Shatteredlady,

 

This is something that word for my wife and I when we were having communication issues. We both agreed to set aside one night a week to talk about anything and everything. all topic were on the table. There are some rules. Here are ours.

 

1) What gets discussed at our monthly talk, stays in the monthly talk. She, or myself, could admit to what ever, and we will not fight about, bring it up, so fourth until the next meeting. This allows both of us to think things over. Cool off if we are mad, and stops any tit for tat. If one of us brings up something out of the "talk" day, the other can shut it down, with a reminder, that it needs to be discusses at our talks.

 

2) We agree to open, honest and frank, and hold tempers in. If we can't, we end the talk and try again next month. This has never been a issue, but we agreed on the rule.

 

3) On the day of the talk we provide our time, attention and privacy, This is only for us. We talk in bed at night, on a weekend, so we can sleep in if it goes late.

 

Here are some links that may help. They are from a man's point of view, but I am sure it will be of some help.

 

How to Communicate With Your Spouse | The Art of Manliness

 

How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship | The Art of Manliness

 

When A Partner Isn't Pulling Their Weight | The Art of Manliness

 

I know that your situation is complex, and these links may be too "pie in the sky", but if take away something that later works who knows. The only thing you control is YOU, you can only change your behavior. Try and change so that his reaction is better. I do not know if this will help you, but I am a "action" guy, and do not like to stay the same in the face of a problem.

[understand50]

How do you make someone talk who doesn't want to? Sometimes I talk & talk. It makes me feel better. I feel closer, I feel things are resolved...then in the cold light of day I realize I've just spoken & he hasn't really said much at all. I truly feel like he doesn't think he's really done anything wrong & yet I'm so hurt & broken. I fear that my resentment is building. I just need to know that he 'gets-it' but I don't think he does.

 

ShatteredLady,

 

As a follow on, try "date" night. My wife and I go out each week. We make it a priority, if funds are low, cash is short, it May be just a walk in the park on by a lake. We have some rules for this as well.

 

1) We are there to have fun with each other, be in each other company, so we turn off the cell phones, and make sure we do not fight. If something is heading for a argument, one will ask the other to postpone it, and lets have fun. This is important, as my wife and I know, on date night we will not be ambushed with issues or fights, and can enjoy the day, or evening together.

 

2) If we miss a date night for a week, we try hard to make the next one. We do not let it slip away.

 

3) We try and mix it up. Sometime we go out to a new restaurant, or try something we have never done. We work to keep it fresh and on budget.

 

What we are doing is employing the art of being able to set aside all our issues, for a time, and enjoy each other company, as lovers, and friends.

 

Here are some links as well that may help.

 

10 Great Fall Date Ideas | The Art of Manliness

 

10 Cheap Date Ideas | The Art of Manliness

 

Dinner Date Etiquette | The Art of Manliness

[OldRover]

ShatteredLady,

 

As a follow on, try "date" night. My wife and I go out each week. We make it a priority, if funds are low, cash is short, it May be just a walk in the park on by a lake. We have some rules for this as well.

 

1) We are there to have fun with each other, be in each other company, so we turn off the cell phones, and make sure we do not fight. If something is heading for a argument, one will ask the other to postpone it, and lets have fun. This is important, as my wife and I know, on date night we will not be ambushed with issues or fights, and can enjoy the day, or evening together.

 

2) If we miss a date night for a week, we try hard to make the next one. We do not let it slip away.

 

3) We try and mix it up. Sometime we go out to a new restaurant, or try something we have never done. We work to keep it fresh and on budget.

 

What we are doing is employing the art of being able to set aside all our issues, for a time, and enjoy each other company, as lovers, and friends.

 

Here are some links as well that may help.

 

10 Great Fall Date Ideas | The Art of Manliness

 

10 Cheap Date Ideas | The Art of Manliness

 

Dinner Date Etiquette | The Art of Manliness

 

Understand,

 

Your links are great even though they are out of the 50s..... but cute and a few good ideas. I'm going to play Monopoly with my lady.... sounds like FUN.

 

And some good ideas for the OP.....

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you for the links & ideas. Some things like 'Mr Nice Guy' rang bells. I'm sorry. I'm in such a horrible place right now. I think deep down inside I know my marriage is in its death throws. I look back at the person I was & know that she's slowly been locked away & lost over the years. I'm a hapless romantic who never imagined for one moment that I wouldn't grow old with my husband. Never believed my kids would come from a broken home. How much of myself am I willing to loose & degrade just to maintain that fantasy? I don't know.

 

My husband has always suffered from depression. It's usually self-deprecating. Under times of extreme stress (& when the OW is in our lives in ANY way...maybe his guilt?) he changes & the depression gets projected onto me. He becomes a stranger who can say & do the most incredibly cruel things. I've always made excuses. I was this time until I discovered the receipt for her flowers & that message! Anger & resentment is building. He shows no remorse for bringing her back into our lives & doesn't see how the secrets damaged our relationship. I'm pathetic for over-reacting to an innocent friendship.

 

I'm finding it hard to keep my head above the rising tide. I'm desperate but know that only my husband can explain & reassure. He won't or can't. I can't live with this pain. I'm sorry for crying here. I know there's nothing anyone can do to help me. It's just a world of pain.

[Star lights]

I have read your question but not every answer so forgive me if I'm repeating anything.

 

He is treating you unfairly and you sound like you deserve better then that.

 

Firstly, maybe counselling could help but I fear that he is just a very selfish person. I to suffer from depression and anxiety and I to cheated but he doesn't seem to accept any blame for what he has done and it appears that he blamed you for 'pushing him' into it somehow. I could be completely wrong but from what you have said, that's the idea I'm getting.

 

If you choose to stay then I would suggest couple therapy and therapy for yourself, you could also get the children to come along a couple of times just to see how much of the situation they've picked up on.

 

Just for the record...People say kids understand what's going on but having been a child from a broken home I can honestly say none of my brothers or sisters or myself picked up on the situation until the divorce. My brothers and sisters haven't been affected badly by the divorce at all because we had a caring mother (she too needed a lot of help although her problems weren't physical, she had a break down so we had to care for her) I'm telling you this because not every child is effected by broken homes, my 2 sisters have led very happy and fulfilled lives, it depends complete on the child and whether there was any physical or emotional abuse, I have issues but my issues aren't even due to that they are due to other things but people like to give it the spill that I'm from a broken home therefore that is the the reason...wrong!! Again I'mSaying this because if you are only staying for the children's stability then don't, they will be more likely to pick up on the situation the longer it continues and as long as you are loving and they have family and each other then trust me they will find their way.

 

One thing I am wondering is...do you have family in your home country?

And does your home country offer any services to help you with shopping etc? Finding out these things can get the ball rolling. Maybe you could look into moving home with your children if he decides he doesn't want to try couple therapy or continues to be selfish and emotionally un available..maybe he thinks you aren't strong enough to leave but if you show him you are serious by gathering some information on what life could be like back home then he may take you more seriously.

 

Let me ask one thing of you though...while you are researching where you would live at home or what schools the children could go to or what local services are on offer to help you...take note of how you feel, do you want to shut off the computer at the thought of it or does this thought thrill you, are you excited at the thought of going home and putting the wheels in motion...how do you feel? If you take note of this you will know how ready you are to take this step.

 

depression is a terrible thing but trust me he needs you more than you need him but he will continue to use you as his punching bag because old habits die hard and I fear you will never get the appreciation you seek from this man.

 

You need to decide whether leaving is something you want to do or whether you two can work on this but I would seriously suggest doing some research and maybe playing this a little differently by being a little bit more tough and making it clear you are no doormat...what have you got to lose by taking a different approach?

 

We only have one life, don't waste yours

 

I wish you luck

[understand50]

I'm finding it hard to keep my head above the rising tide. I'm desperate but know that only my husband can explain & reassure. He won't or can't. I can't live with this pain. I'm sorry for crying here. I know there's nothing anyone can do to help me. It's just a world of pain.

 

ShatteredLady,

 

Deep breath. Hold it, let it out, now again.........

 

OK, you need control over your life. My suggestion, is to come up with a list, of things YOU can do to improve your lot. If you improve it just a little, it still is a success. Here is my list.

 

1) Get into some type of IC. If you can not afford it, try your church, or see if you have a good friend that can be a sounding board. Your insurance should help, as you sound depressed.

 

2) Go to you doctor and see if they can help with your depression. If nothing else, they can get you into IC.

 

3) Concentrate on your kids. Be the best Mom you can.

 

4) Do something for yourself. Make sure you watching your heath and well being. Get your nails done, start a hobby, do something for you.

 

5) Keep talking with your Husband. Try and start a monthly talk. Ask if he will go to MC.

 

If all else fails. Then look up the 180, and employ it. Here is the link.

 

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

 

Keep posting, we can help pick up the pieces of "ShatteredLady" and put them together. We are here to help. Remember, you are not alone, and you are worth much more then you know.

 

I wish you luck, and the best outcome to be had.