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Wife Sexting with coworker


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I caught my wife sexting with a coworker on Facebook messenger. I actually read at as it was happening in real time. I confrunted both, as well as informed his wife about what I discovered. Both her and him swear it never reached a physical point. I do believe that , but it doesn't make it any less hurtful.

 

My wife and I have had a cold relationship for many years. A lot of resentment and anger. We have been in a bad place for a long time. She was extremely remorseful, and wants to commit to repairing our relationship. She says that she was just so lonely that she used the fantasy texting with the other guy as an escape. Nothing more. There is no doubt in my mind that it would have turned physical very shortly if I hadn't caught them.

 

I love my wife, and we have had a much better relationship at times since this mess was discovered over a month ago. However, I am still sick over it. I still have a lot of anger towards her and him over it. When that anger comes out, we go right back to the way we were before. Resentful and unloving. I don't want our marriage to end. I want to repair what is wrong, and that includes many other things besides her sexting with another man. My wife wants to start marriage counseling. How do I move forward? How do I wake up in the morning without having this feeling in my stomach? Any thoughts or suggestions?

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I caught my wife sexting with a coworker on Facebook messenger. I actually read at as it was happening in real time. I confrunted both, as well as informed his wife about what I discovered. Both her and him swear it never reached a physical point. I do believe that , but it doesn't make it any less hurtful.

 

My wife and I have had a cold relationship for many years. A lot of resentment and anger. We have been in a bad place for a long time. She was extremely remorseful, and wants to commit to repairing our relationship. She says that she was just so lonely that she used the fantasy texting with the other guy as an escape. Nothing more. There is no doubt in my mind that it would have turned physical very shortly if I hadn't caught them.

 

I love my wife, and we have had a much better relationship at times since this mess was discovered over a month ago. However, I am still sick over it. I still have a lot of anger towards her and him over it. When that anger comes out, we go right back to the way we were before. Resentful and unloving. I don't want our marriage to end. I want to repair what is wrong, and that includes many other things besides her sexting with another man. My wife wants to start marriage counseling. How do I move forward? How do I wake up in the morning without having this feeling in my stomach? Any thoughts or suggestions?

 

Does your wife still work with him?

 

How do you know it never was physical

 

And

 

If it was would do you think you would consider staying together?

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She has changed locations in her job, so no, sh doesn't work with him anymore. I am confident it didn't get physical because at the end of their last sexting session, she told him that she doesn't think she could go through with ever actually doing the things she was fantasizing about through their messages. He agreed, and said he is ok with their "guilt free" outlet with each other..

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I guess I don't understand why you both haven't done marriage counseling years ago when the issues started vs. reaching the stage where she needed to text another guy for stimulation? What you wrote makes me wonder if it's really worth further exploration of repairing this marriage.

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Friskyone4u

Marriage counseling for what. To have some guy or gal you are paying tell you what you did wrong to make her do it.

 

MC may help at some point. Right now, she needs to prove to you that she will not renew this with him or anyone else, and the burden is on her.

 

You did not say what the reaction of the other man's wife was. And since they are still at same company they obviously can communicate on company e mail and you will have no clue.

 

my suggestion is to tell her there is no therapy until she earns it, and that she will be taking a polygraph sometime in the future before you do therapy to confirm she has not taken this underground.

 

it does NOT matter if you have no intention of even doing it. What initially matters is her reaction. if she has nothing to hide she should jump at the chance. if she gets a sick look on her face, that should tell you something.

 

And do not fall for the bull **** line of "Don't you trust me" ??? Why should you.

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autumnnight

I hope she is being transparent with all passwords. I also think a keylogger on computers and spyware on her phone is in order. It will take more than a month of a good track record to rebuild trust.

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AlwaysGrowing

Get yourself into IC. Your wife should also get into IC.

 

When you feel you are strong enough/have clarity then go to MC.

 

A therapist can give you more concrete ideas on how to process from where you are now.

 

Humans by nature never change what is working for them regardless if it dysfunctional or not. It is only through emotional trauma that we will initiate self reflection, self analyzing to make change.

 

Yes, one can work on themselves/relationships and become happier/content.

 

I wish you well on your journey b

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lollipopspot

Your problem isn't the sexting. It's the following

 

My wife and I have had a cold relationship for many years. A lot of resentment and anger. We have been in a bad place for a long time... She says that she was just so lonely that she used the fantasy texting with the other guy as an escape.

 

I don't agree with others that the worst thing in a relationship is always an affair. It's often just a symptom of deeper problems. You both neglected the relationship for years. Your problems started way before now. You need to look at yourself too, and how you let the relationship deteriorate. You ought both to get into marriage counseling to see if you want to save the marriage. I'd actually give her a pass for sexting, in such an emotionally barren marriage (especially as in her own words to the guy she wasn't going to go through with anything physical).

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Friskyone4u

You give her a "pass' for this little episode and see where that gets you.

 

The problems in your relationship are not going to get solved by one or two MC sessions.

 

So you tell her she has a pass, and i guess till she has it al straight i guess its Ok if she meets up with him?? You take that advice and you will have more problems than what brought you here.

 

You do not give "passes" on infidelity unless you want more of it. That does not mean you divorce but you do not say it's Ok i understand

 

you were in the same mariage with the same problems. Did you start "sexting' a co worker????

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Grapesofwrath
Your problem isn't the sexting. It's the following

 

I don't agree with others that the worst thing in a relationship is always an affair. It's often just a symptom of deeper problems. You both neglected the relationship for years. Your problems started way before now. You need to look at yourself too, and how you let the relationship deteriorate. You ought both to get into marriage counseling to see if you want to save the marriage. I'd actually give her a pass for sexting, in such an emotionally barren marriage (especially as in her own words to the guy she wasn't going to go through with anything physical).

 

I agree with the above. When I was married, I did something similar, with someone who lived hundreds of miles away. We had not even been in the same state for decades, but that small sliver of attention through my computer was like a crumb of food to a starving man. My marriage had deteriorated to such a point that even a long-distance electronic flirtation was irresistible to me.

 

My ex-husband discovered this activity and came after me, guns blazing. He rubbed my face in it, like one punishes a puppy for soiling the rug. I answered every question and apologized over and over. After weeks and weeks of this, inside and out of marriage counseling, we had still not initiated a conversation of what was wrong in our relationship and why I allowed myself to do this. The ceaseless punishment and unyielding coldness did nothing to resolve the problems we had. Ultimately, it was this attitude of his that showed me there would be no warmth forthcoming in my marriage and we parted.

 

Don't make that mistake. Go to marriage counseling. Share your feelings. Listen to her perspective. It takes courage to do that. Be courageous.

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I agree with the above. When I was married, I did something similar, with someone who lived hundreds of miles away. We had not even been in the same state for decades, but that small sliver of attention through my computer was like a crumb of food to a starving man. My marriage had deteriorated to such a point that even a long-distance electronic flirtation was irresistible to me.

 

My ex-husband discovered this activity and came after me, guns blazing. He rubbed my face in it, like one punishes a puppy for soiling the rug. I answered every question and apologized over and over. After weeks and weeks of this, inside and out of marriage counseling, we had still not initiated a conversation of what was wrong in our relationship and why I allowed myself to do this. The ceaseless punishment and unyielding coldness did nothing to resolve the problems we had. Ultimately, it was this attitude of his that showed me there would be no warmth forthcoming in my marriage and we parted.

 

Don't make that mistake. Go to marriage counseling. Share your feelings. Listen to her perspective. It takes courage to do that. Be courageous.

 

Long distance emotional affairs are perfectly avoidable if you have the necessary ethics.

 

Just sayin'

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I agree with the above. When I was married, I did something similar, with someone who lived hundreds of miles away. We had not even been in the same state for decades, but that small sliver of attention through my computer was like a crumb of food to a starving man. My marriage had deteriorated to such a point that even a long-distance electronic flirtation was irresistible to me.

 

My ex-husband discovered this activity and came after me, guns blazing. He rubbed my face in it, like one punishes a puppy for soiling the rug. I answered every question and apologized over and over. After weeks and weeks of this, inside and out of marriage counseling, we had still not initiated a conversation of what was wrong in our relationship and why I allowed myself to do this. The ceaseless punishment and unyielding coldness did nothing to resolve the problems we had. Ultimately, it was this attitude of his that showed me there would be no warmth forthcoming in my marriage and we parted.

 

Don't make that mistake. Go to marriage counseling. Share your feelings. Listen to her perspective. It takes courage to do that. Be courageous.

 

Listen, bad marriages aren't one sided. The husbands were in the same marriages yet somehow managed to not cheat (maybe yours did).

 

We hear this EXCUSE, almost every time the woman cheats, oh it was because the marriage. Its old.

 

MC is pointless if they aren't committed to staying married.

 

Its both their problem the marriage is bad, her affair is her problem and 100% her fault. Growing up in a bad area doesn't excuse being a criminal. Just as the bad marriage doesn't excuse affairs.

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lollipopspot
The husbands were in the same marriages yet somehow managed to not cheat (maybe yours did).

 

We hear this EXCUSE, almost every time the woman cheats, oh it was because the marriage.

 

I don't know why you're making this a gender issue. I would think the same no matter the gender.

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I don't know why you're making this a gender issue. I would think the same no matter the gender.

 

I don't ever recall reading one time here on this site a woman telling a WH or MM its his wife's fault he cheated. However, something along those lines are said on every post where the woman cheated, and that's what OP is being told. Its his fault, he is the one that needs to change. How exactly does that help him? He is in pain and being told its his fault.

 

The advice here is gender bias.

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Grapesofwrath
Listen, bad marriages aren't one sided. The husbands were in the same marriages yet somehow managed to not cheat (maybe yours did).

 

We hear this EXCUSE, almost every time the woman cheats, oh it was because the marriage. Its old.

 

MC is pointless if they aren't committed to staying married.

 

Its both their problem the marriage is bad, her affair is her problem and 100% her fault. Growing up in a bad area doesn't excuse being a criminal. Just as the bad marriage doesn't excuse affairs.

 

Precisely. Bad marriages aren't one-sided. Without getting into details, I will say that my ex-husband violated several marriage vows. Yes, my decision to engage in this activity was my choice and 100% my responsibility. I owned it. He did not own his part of the marital dynamic, and that's why we parted. Also, my marriage was atypical in that I was the sole breadwinner and also the only responsible parent. I paid him spousal support for years, after his cheating and lying bankrupted our family and we lost our home.

 

MC can help, regardless of your intention to stay married. If both parties wish to dissolve the marriage, it can assist there as well.

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lollipopspot
I don't ever recall reading one time here on this site a woman telling a WH or MM its his wife's fault he cheated. However, something along those lines are said on every post where the woman cheated, and that's what OP is being told. Its his fault, he is the one that needs to change. How exactly does that help him? He is in pain and being told its his fault.

 

The advice here is gender bias.

 

Sexting (with the last sext saying that they're not going to make it physical) in a marriage that has been cold and hostile for years is not the same as a physical affair. This is a significantly milder form of cheating than we normally see on here. They have bigger things to work on, this appears to be a symptom of longer standing marriage problems in their case, and they both let things deteriorate. I would say the same thing with either gender.

 

A lot of people are very black and white about things and are unable to see nuance. I'm not.

 

If you want to make it about gender, go ahead, but I don't see it that way and I don't agree with you. I'm not into pumping up people to end their marriages and feel angrier than they need to to win a point about gender.

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Precisely. Bad marriages aren't one-sided. Without getting into details, I will say that my ex-husband violated several marriage vows. Yes, my decision to engage in this activity was my choice and 100% my responsibility. I owned it. He did not own his part of the marital dynamic, and that's why we parted. Also, my marriage was atypical in that I was the sole breadwinner and also the only responsible parent. I paid him spousal support for years, after his cheating and lying bankrupted our family and we lost our home.

 

MC can help, regardless of your intention to stay married. If both parties wish to dissolve the marriage, it can assist there as well.

 

They are in no position for MC. Yes it can help, but first the direction has to be decided.

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lollipopspot

DKT3, I did not intend to have my comment be disparaging of you, but I don't appreciate being accused of gender bias. I explained why this is not the same to me as the average affair story on here; and regardless, I think they need to be judged on their own merits. Relationships are complicated.

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Friskyone4u

No one is telling the man to run to a divorce lawyer.

 

but how about making sure it is stopped before running into therapy. Or is it fine for her to continue doing it since it is no bog deal while they talk it out.??

 

First you stop the infidelity. Then you talk about where to go from there. you don't pay someone while your wife continues to sext other men.

 

once you can reasonably verify that she is being truthful on that issue, then maybe you go to MC if you want to.

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DKT3, I did not intend to have my comment be disparaging of you, but I don't appreciate being accused of gender bias. I explained why this is not the same to me as the average affair story on here; and regardless, I think they need to be judged on their own merits. Relationships are complicated.

 

 

The comments were in general and forum wide, not intended just for you.

 

My point is its totally unfair to suggest that its his fault she was cheating.

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lollipopspot

My point is its totally unfair to suggest that its his fault she was cheating.

 

I didn't say "his fault." However, I think that level of cheating is insignificant in the larger picture of a marriage that has deteriorated so badly for years. And I think that the deterioration is on both of them.

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I didn't say "his fault." However, I think that level of cheating is insignificant in the larger picture of a marriage that has deteriorated so badly for years. And I think that the deterioration is on both of them.

 

Here is the deal, say you have gout in your big toe (bad marriage) then you fall and get a compound fracture (the affair) of your left leg, which do you think has to be dealt with? The fracture has nothing to do with the gout. Sure both has to be dealt with.

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bubbaganoosh

If you have been in a cold marriage with a tone of anger towards each other for many years, then honestly what's there to save.

 

It's obvious that you two aren't meant for each other so why not just call it quits and go your own way and she goes hers. If it comes down to where there's sexting and if she wouldn't have gotten busted then you know if would have gone to taking it from words to action.

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