chambers1517 Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Me and my wife have been married for 18 years. We have 2 boys. One is 12 and the other is 9. About 4 years ago she started sneaking around with an old flame. I sensed something going on and started snooping and figured it out. I had to bluff the truth out of her by making her think i new more. She said they had met a couple of times and made out in her car. She said kissing only. She wasn't in love with me any more she said and I tried to kick her out. After a few weeks of NC she wanted to start working on things. The kissing was always on my mind. Things got better for the next 4 years. I have access to her cell phone data and email. Also I can see her location. I don't look much but it is nice to know. She hasn't done anything and thing have been great. She recently became facebook friends with a new girl and I asked who she was. It was her exes fiance. I asked why they were friends and she said that girl called her a while back to to ask about him and when she saw her on Facebook she friended her. I was looking through this girls photos and she was hugged up with him. For some reason just seeing this guy made me feel like I didn't know the whole truth. I asked her today what really happened and made her feel like I knew. She finally said they had sex one time in her car. I got mad and said she lied to me for 4 years about it. I said I was still struggling g with the kissing but now it was sex and I didn't think I can get over it. I can go in extra at work so I got ready and said I was going in. She wanted me to stay home and talk but I said no. She then said stay home and she wouldn't bother me. I said I would be up all night anyway so I might as well get paid. She has been texting and saying how much she loves me and how sorry she is but I'm not responding. How can I forgive her and how should I treat her when we're around each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Take all the time you need for YOU. Try not to be the one to soothe her guilt and remorse. All the cliches apply here- water, food, rest and time to grieve. Get your legs under you and then you can face what comes next. Sorry you've joined this group. It sucks, but we get it. Hang tough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I'm sure sex happened a lot. She's been a liar this whole time and there's no way to trust her. Since it was so important to friend his new fiancé then it must mean it's more important than your marriage. Since you can't trust her - I'd have her move immediately and see if she gets motivated to repair the damage to the M or if she starts focusing on her OM. I don't think she's done with him... She still has feelings. And she's talked to the fiancé? If so, why did she hide it from you? That's an important call... But she's still been lying to you by keeping her truth from you. She's ruined the M... It's hers to fix not yours. Let her suffer for a long while. Move money before talking with her. She will take it all if you don't protect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) what you need to do here is to inform your Wife to Remove Ex'es fiance from her face-book as it makes you uncomfortable. don't just block but also unfriend. -you must do this in an "affirmative" manner! to add: have your wife change her number (sooner than later).how was the fiance able to communicate with your wife. where did she gt her number. she stuck with you for 4 more years. that has to count for something. keep both eyes open. since you already have her passwords you can always check if you feel uncomfortable. continue to communicate with your wife. i suggest you go to "individual counseling" to deal with some of that pain. by not being to aggressive in communicating with her you might learn more regarding her affair. Edited July 25, 2015 by m.snow Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 She cheated and some men cannot get past this - it sounds like you are one of them. I mean if the thought of her kissing him bothered you for all this time how do you think the thoughts & images of her giving him oral and of them screwing are going to affect you? You can stay and suffer like many husbands do when their wife cheats or you can divorce her and start a new life. You have a chance for happiness if you start over - I don't think you will ever find peace if you stay married to this woman. You don't have to live with their mother to be a great father for your boys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chambers1517 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Share Posted July 25, 2015 Thanks guys. This is tough. 4 years ago when this started, I picked up on it pretty quick. Her cell phone is in my name and I can see who she calls. I went back and saw he contacted her about a month before I found out. After about a month it looked like she was chasing him. We were having some problems. She told me today that she was stupid and he had actually told her to quit calling him. That confirmed what I thought. The last 4 years have been better every day and if I hadn't got the truth out of her they would still be. That is the worst part. Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Looks like she's been cheating for a while now and got caught by the fiancé. That's why she confessed to sex!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) sounds like you two rugswept the affair... never really dealt with it. have you two sought counseling? that's a good start. i'm sorry to say but there's probably more to the story than just one encounter. sounds like you may need to get to the bottom of it- the whole truth. Edited July 25, 2015 by Artie Lang Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Unless he's been engaged for four years your wife and her lover have either remained in contact or was contacted by his fiancé for reasons unknown. Unfortunately for you if you want to stay in this relationship you have a lot if trust that needs to be rebuilt and no guarantees that it will 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 i had thought of something, why not, try to contact this fiance and see whats happening. see if your wife has been trying to contact her ex. since you have the phone records did WW(wayward-wife) try to contact OM(other-man) this year? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 You bluffed her once. Bluff her again. Tell her that she has proven to you she is a liar and has withheld this information with no conscience for four years. Tell her you want the entire truth and that you will insist she take a polygraph test to verify it. Her reaction will give you a very good idea of what the answer is even if you had no intention of going for the test. If she has withheld nothing, which is unlikely because she had no intention of telling you anything in the first place, she will calmly tell you to go ahead and that she will take the test. If she becomes Casper The Ghost and starts to get angry and defensive and blaming you, you have your answer. She is likely still in contact with this guy and friended the girl to find out if he is telling her the truth about his ex. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 before you rush to any decision, understand that you are in deep insecurity and you can't be fully able to make a rational one. take a time to heal first, I would definitely recommend counseling, what you are experiencing is jealousy+ insecurity, do not spend your energy fighting them you will loose if you do. Instead spend your energy healing yourself first regardless of what decision you would make. do not expect to be able to just forgive her without healing yourself it will never happen those thought will keep coming triggering your insecurity but at the same time kicking her out of your life will not give you any satisfaction, you will still be hurt and your family will pay the price too. heal your self first Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Sorry my friend but you have been constantly lied to you for years. Now it is only 1 time sex in the car....oh please. Why in the world do you just believe this? The really sad part is that you were clearly Plan B. She only stopped screwing him and staying with you because she admitted that he was the one who got tired of her and told her to stop contacting him. She had no other option but to stay with you. You deserve better than this. She thinks of you as a fool and she will be correct if you stay with her. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Thanks guys. This is tough. 4 years ago when this started, I picked up on it pretty quick. Her cell phone is in my name and I can see who she calls. I went back and saw he contacted her about a month before I found out. After about a month it looked like she was chasing him. We were having some problems. She told me today that she was stupid and he had actually told her to quit calling him. That confirmed what I thought. The last 4 years have been better every day and if I hadn't got the truth out of her they would still be. That is the worst part. It's hard knowing that your wife is the one aggressively chasing the other man. It appears she wanted more but all he wanted was sex, he got what he wanted. Take your time deciding what you want, you do need to talk to a lawyer so you know what your rights are. If you want to end her affair, whatever is left of it, tell his fiancé but don't tell your wife your going to do that, just do it. You can send her a private message through Facebook. She needs to know what kind of man she is marrying. He too doesn't respect boundaries. Get rid of her car if you still have it. Get her into independent counselling, she needs to know why she trashed your marriage for a little bit of strange. Her cheating had nothing to do with you, your children or the state of your marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) She recently became facebook friends with a new girl and I asked who she was. It was her exes fiance. I asked why they were friends and she said that girl called her a while back to to ask about him and when she saw her on Facebook she friended her. I was looking through this girls photos and she was hugged up with him. You forgave things to easily four years ago. She took your actions to mean that what she did wasn’t so bad. Proof of this is that she became FB friends with the OM’s fiancé knowing that the OM’s photo would be popping up on FB for you, all your friends and family to see. Your wife apparently gave the fiancé a good recommendation of the OM. This is yet another sign that she doesn’t think adultery is a big deal. I can understand why she didn’t tell the fiancé that the OM had f@cked a married woman (her) but she could have given her a less than glowing recommendation. She could have said he’s a jerk for example and not become her FB friend. Ask your wife if she was planning on going to their wedding when the time came. I bet she was. Even if you’re 100% certain that you want to stay with your wife forever you need to file for divorce now. Trust me on this. It will set a new tone for the rest of your marriage. See a lawyer for a free consultation. It would be good to learn where you stand anyway. If you can afford it have the lawyer serve her with divorce papers. If you can’t go online and print the forms for your state. She needs to be handed something physical. Don’t threaten or tell her it's coming, just do it. Then sit back and let her convince you to stay married to her. The process of divorce was planned to take a long time. You can always put a stop to it. If she doesn't convince you then keep it going to divorce. Bottom line is that she needs to get it on a gut level that it was a big deal. She’s not there yet. Edited July 25, 2015 by Buckeye2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 What is also very telling is the fact that she had no problem driving your 5 and 8 year old children around in the car she was banging O/M in. I wonder if she wants to hold on to the car for a while if you offer to trade it in on a newer model. Maybe she should be made to drive the car until she gets the seriousness of her infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I think that you will forgive her and stay but I'm sorry that you've had to start this process over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) Read your old post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/267802-bad-day Also: We started counseling and are getting along well but she isn't showing remorse. I try to act indifferent but it is hard. I am working on things to make me a better person but I feel I am doing all the giving. She asks what's wrong sometimes and I say she isn't remorseful and she says if this makes us better then she is not sorry. I think she is through with him but how do I get the remorse I need for me to feel better? She has a great life. You’re a good provider and your parents help take care of the kids. As long as she knows she can have that no matter what she does there is no reason for her to change. Again, to change this you need to file for divorce even if it’s a bluff. Otherwise you will be putting up with this $hit for the rest of your life. Edited July 25, 2015 by Buckeye2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Sex 'one time' my ass. Whatever a lying cheater claims, multiply it by a minimum of 100. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Sex 'one time' my ass. Whatever a lying cheater claims, multiply it by a minimum of 100. And if it was "just sex and didn't really mean anything" make that x1000. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Look. Just set up a polygraph test, then the night before tell her that your taking her for it and your going to find out if there's any more to her story. If she gives you a hard time about it then let her know that she either takes it or she can leave and your attorney will be in contact with her. She made her choice when she had the affair. Now she has another one to make and don't back down for it. Make it simple, either the poly of she's gone. She doesn't have the luxury of needing time to think it over. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 You are justified in having concerns for this relationship. She has blatantly and intentionally lied about her affair. Additionally, the reconnecting with the new woman, is both strange and troubling. I believe that most relationships can be saved, if both parties work to fix the problems, but this must start with the offending party confessing their transgressions and being contrite for the harm they have done. Therefore I recommend the following. 1. Consult with an attorney, you don’t have to file, but you need to know your rights. 2. Let her know that in order to move forward you need her to take a day or two away from the house to think about what has happened and to give an accounting of her affair. This should answer all the questions that you may have. You may even want to give her some specific questions. 3. After she returns you can discuss what she has written to resolve any questions you may have. The bottom line is, she needs to know, that any half truths or withholding of information will result in termination of the relationship. 4. Next you need to take a few days and decide how you feel and if you can get over what she has done. If you decide to pursue reconciliation, she will need to do a couple of additional things to help you heal. a. Attend Couples Counseling with a counselor of your choice. The affair has to be addressed, but all issues have to be up for discussion on both sides of the aisle. b. Confess to both families what has happened and elicit their support in fixing the problem. c. New found friend has to go, no debate here, she is a link to a bad past. d. All passwords and devices are open and available to you, no questions asked. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 She cheated on you and had sex with another man. She doesn't love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Look. Just set up a polygraph test, then the night before tell her that your taking her for it and your going to find out if there's any more to her story. If she gives you a hard time about it then let her know that she either takes it or she can leave and your attorney will be in contact with her. She made her choice when she had the affair. Now she has another one to make and don't back down for it. Make it simple, either the poly of she's gone. She doesn't have the luxury of needing time to think it over. I disagree with all of this actually. There is no reason to bother with a polygraph because she already admitted to sleeping with him once. It doesn't matter if she did it more then once or if she didn't. If he gives her the poly and she passes, then what? If he then forgives her, it basically tells her "hey what you did was okay". It will just happen again, and the reason I say this is because it's not like she has never acted suspicious since then, even recently she has been, so she does not get the benefit of the doubt of "oh she had sex only one time with him so it doesn't mean she will cheat again". If she'd be utterly nothing but remorseful..and had told the truth from the very beginning, and had not been acting shady recently with her behavior and stuff with her ex's fiance, etc. then maybe a poly might be worth it. She looked this man she is supposed to love in the eye every day for YEARS and did not say anything, and only fessed up when he pressed her. This means she was knowingly telling him she loved him, knowingly sleeping with him..all the while knowing she had f*cked another guy. It takes a sick person to do that to someone you love. Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Make sure you test yourself regularly if you plan to stay with her. Link to post Share on other sites
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