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Husband doesn't want sex with me and affair


hurtinglove

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hurtinglove

I'm not quite sure where to start. He's never been the initiating type with me, I always had to make the first move and get things started, if I wanted to get off I'd have to do it myself. It's been a sore spot on and off for us (me) but I figured that's just how he was.

 

Then I find out he had an affair. Full on, initiating sex, wanting sex, him on top doing all the work, giving her orgasms, touching her and kissing her before and during, going out of his way to be with her over and over again, doing everything with her that I've begged him for for years.

 

That was 2 months ago. Since he broke it off with her, he's been good in every way but sexually. He has NC, he is more affectionate and spending time with me, compliments and being sweet. But no sex.

 

I've tried everything, he just doesn't want to have sex with me. Or he would if I'd either just give him a BJ or a quickie. I want to be wanted like she was.

 

FTR- she's not more attractive, younger or more in shape than I am. She's just over 10 years older than me, at least 50-75 lbs more and dresses dumpy, no make-up, hair just up and messy. He swears that I am way more attractive to him than she is. He just "doesn't know" why he doesn't have sex with me. He says he wants to, he just doesn't do it.

 

He's suggested a few things that might help. I've done them all and every time I get more and more humilated :(

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Friskyone4u

He needs to get to a sex therapist ASAP before this escalates.

 

Unless he needs something REALLY FREAKY that she was doing, something is amiss here in his head.

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hurtinglove

I've asked, they just had regular sex plus she gave him head while he used his hands on her (when I give him head he doesn't)

 

I'm the more freaky one in the marriage for sure. He wouldn't have a problem asking me for anything if he had a fantasy or fetish or something. He knows I'm pretty much game for trying whatever.

 

I've asked him to go to therapy but he won't.

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Madonna Whore complex - Men with this complex desire a sexual partner who has been degraded (the whore) while they cannot desire the respected partner (the Madonna).

 

Elvis Presley had all the symptoms of the Madonna/Whore Complex: a young virginal wife, a devotion to his mother, a revolving door of other women, and a sex-starved wife who looked for sexual intimacy elsewhere.

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autumnnight

OP, my heart just...breaks for you.

 

He wouldn't step up...he cheated and gave someone else what you craved...and he still won't step up...

 

I wish I could hug you.

 

I am so sorry you are hurting. Do you have children together? Do you want to stay married? I admit, as a sex-starved person myself, I cannot imagine staying married after such a betrayal on top of everything else :(

 

I'm shedding tears for you.

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hurtinglove

We have kids. I don't want to divorce but also know that it might come to that anyway.

 

If it was Madonna whore complex, is there anything I could do to help fix it?

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Time for an ultimatum. Something along the lines of...

 

"I've found a reputable sex therapist for us and made an appointment for a time that's free on both of our schedules. Do I keep that appointment or cancel and make one for a family law attorney?"

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Sorry to read this.

 

H's affair was similar in a way - he gave her what I wanted and wouldn't give me, but in our case it was emotional support. She used to cut herself and showed him her cuts and the blades she used. I was a depressive and about the time their A started I had really strong suicidal ideation - but she got the support and sympathy and I didn't. Hurts doesn't it?

 

Sex therapy and no arguments from him I would suggest. Good luck

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the_artist_1970

So, your DH had an A and now he won't have sex with you? Are you kidding me. He should be happy that you stayed with him and he should be willing to walk on water to keep you. It sounds like your DH needs see what it feels like to not have you around. Put him out at least for a while and show him that you deserve more.

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World's.Edge

I believe that the time we have here is precious, it is the most essential resource afforded to us and it moves fast.

 

Your husband has been withholding and unaffectionate with you, then he has an affair?! He has let you know exactly who he is, what he is capable of, how much and what he tinks of you. Why haven't you divorced him yet?

 

I'm sorry for what happened to you, it's awful and it suck.

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There simply is no chance things will change unless you put divorce on the table.

 

I don't see how threats of divorce will make anyone feel more sexually desirous of their spouse. He desired the OW, he doesn't desire his W.

 

A discussion about why he had the A, what the OW gave him that he felt was missing, is in order. Not threats.

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I'm thinking he wants the OW so much because she is probably more of the submissive type. When you hound him for sex (and I'm not blaming you for it) it makes you more of the aggressive type, which might be turning him off. No chase involved.

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It sounds like he tries everything not to have sex with you, and it doesnt seem he is gay, i think you have to pull away, you have to value yourself and not spend all your time and energy on someone that isnt attracted to you and never will be, probably, you seem desparate i think understandable enough but that desparation must be used to make changes you control not trying to make him want you, dont let this here happen to you, he is just conflict-avoiding when all he wants is to get out of that misery too, its just as bad or worse for him, the situation you to have:mad: sorry but i think im right:mad:

many things can make people unattractive and sometimes its just a bad match with too much lacking in one partner according to the other partners wishes:confused:

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Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

 

As a guy, I couldn't love or live with a wife that didn't want to have sex with me but was a porn star with another man.

 

I really don't know why people think it should be different for a woman with a cheating H.

 

Bottom line here is you can remain married and live under the same roof and have your children with you fulltime. Or you can find a man that desires you sexually and deal with the ramifications of divorce. Pick whichever will hurt less.

 

You are already younger, prettier and more sexually receptive than the OW so that means you and he just aren't compatible and I doubt there is a thing in the world you can do about it.

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autumnnight
I don't see how threats of divorce will make anyone feel more sexually desirous of their spouse. He desired the OW, he doesn't desire his W.

 

A discussion about why he had the A, what the OW gave him that he felt was missing, is in order. Not threats.

 

Why he had the A? Selfishness. That's it. Any BS about "well, this need wasn't being met and he had no choice" is ridiculous. He is married and he is supposed to be an adult.

 

If you are not "sexually desirous" of your spouse, and you have a moral compass, you leave before you find someone new.

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HurtHusband

My situation is very similar, except it's my wife who cheated. OM was older, shorter, also married. I had no sex for almost 4 years and than she tells me she had an affair. And she rejected me, it's not from lack of trying. Don't know the real reason. 'She' is not you, or in my case 'he' was not me.. And maybe it's that simple.

 

It's painful and it hurts to be rejected by your partner... Tbh it has just been hurting me since last year when she confessed. It's horrible. My advice. Look after yourself, your health, work out.. Take your time and when your ready move on and find someone better.

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Look, he's simply not attracted to you, and most people need that for sex. Why are you still with him? Intimacy is a big chunk of a relationship.

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I don't see how threats of divorce will make anyone feel more sexually desirous of their spouse. He desired the OW, he doesn't desire his W.

 

A discussion about why he had the A, what the OW gave him that he felt was missing, is in order. Not threats.

 

Because at this point it's not about doing everything to make him desire her. It's about getting help to save their marriage. Getting him to commit to therapy. It's clear they won't be able to change things without help. And if he isn't prepared to do the work to fix it, then she needs to decide what to do with the rest of her life.

 

It's a bit insulting to a WS that HE cheats yet SHE has to do the work to make him desire her more, don't you think?

 

Of course you don't just 'threaten' divorce as a manipulation tactic. You actually have to mean it and walk away from a dysfunctional marriage with a partner who doesn't even respect you enough to work on the issues ... The bulk of which HE created.

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I don't see how threats of divorce will make anyone feel more sexually desirous of their spouse. He desired the OW, he doesn't desire his W.

 

A discussion about why he had the A, what the OW gave him that he felt was missing, is in order. Not threats.

You misunderstand. She has to be willing to walk away from the marriage for him to believe she is willing to walk away from the marriage. Only then can he take her seriously, that this IS her hill to die on.

 

Maybe he can't want sex with her; we don't know. But nobody's even going to discuss it until he realizes his life is about to change if he doesn't.

 

And she has to see that if she tells him she can't stay married without sex, and he then STILL can't offer it, then she needs to make plans to divorce. She can't change him, she can only take steps to get him to WANT to change, but making herself not available if he doesn't.

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Was he ever into you sexually? Was he ever a studhorse in bed?

 

If the answer is no, then this is how it will be at best and will likely worsen with time.

 

Some times if a couple has a great initial sex life and the man gets fat and lazy causing the wife to lose attraction, sometimes he can buff up and become more proactive and get som of her attraction back.

 

I'm not sure if that works for a man who was never hot for you though.

 

Guys are like microwaves, they are either "on" or "off" and he sounds 'off.'

 

He's already starved you for affection and now handed it out freely to someone older and fat, why do you even want him around in the first place????

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I think I would just rather divorce than have someone have to seek therapy to be attracted enough to me to have sex. It wouldn't make me feel very good.

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The thing that really bothers me is that he's willing to receive oral or forms of sex other then intercourse from you...but not willing to give it to you in return. It's not just that he isn't attracted to you, he seems to be demonstrating that he doesn't care about you and your needs. So while its great that he's attending therapy, it seems he's not fully committed to you and caring about your needs. Maybe that can change with time, maybe not. But to me he sounds manipulative and it sounds like if you stay with him, you may have to be willing to live in a sexless marriage (and he may very well cheat again). If that's what you want, that's ok, but if it's not it seems like it's time for you to make some decisions about ending the relationship.

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