Jump to content

Another relationship destroyed by cheating...and stupidity


AlexAnsara

Recommended Posts

Hey all!

Long time lurker, first time poster here. I advise you to settle in with some popcorn and a drink, it's going to be a long story.

 

-Met my boyfriend in '07. He was 10 years younger then me (thought he was 23, he was 19!!) but he was very nice, mature, seemed like a really wonderful man. We decided to start dating casually.

-My family met him and loved him, his mom loved me and that I was mature and had my stuff together.

-Late spring of '08 I asked him if he wanted to get an apartment together. He said yes, and decided he had to save some money so started looking for a better job and getting some savings together.

-Throughout that time the relationship is generally good, but we have one big problem: my boyfriend, Z, is slowly becoming an alcoholic. Not that I recognized it as such at the time.

-In 2011, I am applying to grad schools out of state. He freaks out, and isn't sure he wants to move with me. I act clingy and upset, until finally I realize that it isn't getting me anywhere. I refuse to engage in the discussion about moving anymore. Eventually he gets on board with moving.

-The move goes really well. Z is awesome, making the moving pod reservations, helping set up the new place, etc. His drinking at this point is something that only happens in moderation at social occasions, and our only real issues after the move are his lack of a job, and his increasing social anxiety.

 

-Spring of '14, I go through a major health crisis. Z is amazing throughout it, but after I get out of the hospital, I start to notice that his drinking is amping up again.

-Summer '14, we are looking for a different apartment, and on the day of the second viewing, Z is out and despite his promises doesn't arrive home on time. I go to the viewing alone, and come home irate..to find Z plastered, having driven his motorcycle drunk from the bar in the middle of the day. Once he is passed out, I do something I don't ever do-I go through his phone. This was for 2 reasons: one was I wanted to know how much and for how long he'd been drinking behind my back. The second was because my best friend had caught her husband having an emotional and maybe physical affair 3 weeks previously, and something was just niggling in the back of my mind. Looking through Z's phone, I found evidence of his drinking, and I also found evidence of him cheating. I was devastated. To a certain extent, I could understand the drinking. I realized then that he was an alcoholic, and that he had a disease, and that him choosing the disease over me didn't mean anything about how much he loved me. But the cheating was another story.

-We go through a rough few days, but decide to try and work through things. At first, I thought the girl he went on a date with was someone who he met while drinking, and wondered if it was a product of his inability to deal with my illness, even though I was recovering really well. This is when I began to learn the joys of trickle truth. At any rate, he promises that he will stop drinking all together, and we get a couple's counselor. Eventually he starts individually counseling as well.

-Then there is the trickle truth: he was actually on a dating website, had been talking to multiple women through it. He had also been posting and answering inappropriate ads on craigslist. He had been posting inappropriate things on reddit. Probably there is other stuff that I still don't know about, but I found all this out throughout the time in counseling. Every time something new would pop up, I would be devastated, he would promise there was nothing else, and then we'd continue working on the relationship...and then he'd do it again.

-In the spring we finally seemed to reach a place where he was no longer cheating online, and felt like he had some understanding as to why he was doing it. He had attended a handful of AA meetings but wasn't working the steps, but had had only one slip since the fall. Things were going really well. We finally started discussing moving forward with our relationship, and once he got on board with engagement he got really excited about it. He asked my mom for her ring (family heirloom), and was telling everyone our timeline for getting engaged and married, a timeline that he had set. He was being helpful around the house, and over spring break drove 12 hours to florida so that we could attend my cousin's wedding. While there he even drove 2 hours out of his way to get my mom and drop her off at the wedding venue early!

 

-Then this June, he started acting off. Just not being as good about telling me where he was going, what he was doing. He was also changing his appearance-got his tongue pierced, colored contact lenses, and started caring more about what he looked like when going in to work. Mostly it was my gut telling me something was wrong. Our sex life wasn't great either, and hadn't been for about 9 months, but that was most likely due to his antidepressant killing his libido, which I mentioned to him.

-I still had access to his computer and email, as he had given me passwords and permission...and one day I found out he was looking at steroids online. We talked about it, I expressed that I was not ok with him taking steroids, and he said that he understood and he had just been looking.

-Still feeling like something was off, I looked at his phone one day while he was napping-turns out he had lied and ordered the steroids anyway!

-I woke him up and confronted him, but didn't specify what was about...and he admits to talking to a girl from work about our relationship and that he has become friends with this girl. Swears they are only friends and that nothing is going on. I tell him that it is ok for him to have female friends, just to be upfront about it. He promises he will get rid of the steroids. He also tells me that he's felt distant from me for a while, which was news to me because a couple of weeks ago he'd been telling people his marriage timeline and seemed fine. He says he's thought about breaking up with me. I tell him that if that's what he wants to do then to do it. He backs off and says he still loves me, he just feels like I've been too controlling of his time, etc.

-Two days later, he comes home from what he claims is a ride with a friend...but he's being very nonspecific, which is always an indication that he's lying. So I look at his phone the next day-sure enough, he had gone over to the girl's house again.

-Again, he swears up and down that nothing is happening...we have another talk of breaking up, and he doesn't seem to want to work on the relationship anymore. He does say that he will stop deleting his text conversations with the girl, and follows through with that.

-I try to stop being so attentive, stop asking him so much where he's going, etc...at first he's being attentive to me, asking me on dates, etc, but then we have another fight and he gets distant.

-Finally this past Thursday night, while he's out riding, I look through his email etc...and find out that he didn't get rid of the steroids. He has been taking them. That, coupled with the fact that I know he is in an EA with this girl from work but can't admit it, is the final straw. I can't stay in a relationship like this anymore.

When he finally comes home, I get everything out...he admits to having the EA with the co-worker. He says at first that he doesn't want to continue going down this path of self destruction and doesn't want to lose me. However, the next morning he gets up (I made him sleep in the office) and takes his steroids. I tell him he can't stay in the house if he continues taking them. So he moves out and into his friends mother's basement. Yup, he choose steroids and living with his friend who lives in his mom's basement over me.

-Since then we've talked, and he basically says he doesn't want to fix our relationship or work on himself, he plans on finding his own place, and that he has thought about his life without me and is ok with that.

 

Me right now: I have made him give back his key so that he can't bring strangers into the house and, most importantly, can't come in and take our cat! Not that I think he would, but I'm not taking chances. I have started changing passwords, deleted him on Facebook, and gone NC since saturday, unless he texts me about household matters or something legitimate. He has not reached out expect to set up a time to stop by and get clothes. I'm oscillating from wanting to beg him to return and wishing he would walk through the door and make amends, to just being fed up with all the lies and cheating and bulls**t. Every time I want to call and beg for him to come back, I call my mom or my best friend (who has since, BTW, reconciled with her wayward husband and is doing very well with him). I have also started going to Alanon to work on my own issues surrounding the drinking and so that I don't end up in another relationship with an alcoholic, spending time with my friends, starting to try and expand my social circle and activities, and exercising. I am also currently on the break up diet, so the 30 pounds i've needed to lose have been disappearing rather quickly.

 

I've also learned a lot more about Z and why he is the way he is: his Dad is a classic narcissist who had 3 failed marriages, cheated on Z's mom and caused them to divorce and basically abandoned the family, then lived with his alcoholic girlfriend who Z also had to be around. Z also has 3 uncles who are alcoholics. I mentioned before that Z is on zoloft, which besides killing his libido may also be blunting his emotions-not only does he claim not to feel close to me anymore, but he doesn't seem to care much about our cat, and previously he LOVED our cat, like excessively. Even though he hasn't been drinking, I don't think he was every truly sober-he might have been using something besides alcohol, and he definitely wasn't in recovery. He has serious commitment issues, and serious self esteem issues, and I think that all those tie in to his childhood trauma that he has never dealt with, and with his addiction issues. I think right now he's stuck in the cycle of addiction, where he can't deal with his emotions, and so he has to try anything to make himself feel better immediately, like having relationships with other women, steroids to make himself look 'better', moving out and getting a new place and a new girlfriend. Also, he claims that he has no interest in dating the EA partner, but thanks to non stop lurking on loveshack I know to take that with a grain, or a handful, of salt.

 

Ultimately, I decided to post this in the infidelity section rather then breaking up, because it is the infidelity that hurts me the most, and the thing that I think i'm the most stuck on. I also feel like, when he eventually realizes that breaking up and moving hasn't fixed any of his problems, and that he's lost an amazing woman who put up with a lot of crap, he's going to try to come oozing back, and I know I will need you loveshacker's to keep me on the straight and narrow!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You're not married. Run.

 

Keep working on yourself, the pain will fade, and you'll find someone who deserves a relationship.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
-Met my boyfriend in '07. He was 10 years younger then me (thought he was 23, he was 19!!) but he was very nice, mature, seemed like a really wonderful man.

 

Each aspect of his drinking, deception and cheating is a dealbreaker.

 

But 19 to your 29 :confused: ??? I can count on one hand the number of people I've known that, at age 19, had the maturity to sustain the values and consistency a real relationship requires (I wasn't one :eek:). You didn't date him as much as you raised him and all the stupid things he's done are typical of the chaotic and hedonistic nature of youth.

 

Odds were not in your favor from the beginning...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

He's immature and you and he are nowhere near on the same page . Be glad you don't have kids together.

 

Be rid of him and move on. He's just not worth it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger

While I agree with the above posts, it does not address your feelings of being betrayed. You two were together a long time, built a life together, you poured yourself in to this person and he betrayed you. It hurts, it just does. You sound like someone that likes to help, give people chances and all of that- your kindness was used against you-I am sorry for that-

 

Stay strong, try to not allow this to change who you are and all the good you have in you- take care of you and good luck-

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

He's a serial liar and a serial cheater.

 

I'd gently suggest that it's not your job to fix him.

 

Let him have his shared basement, booze, and nut-shrinking pills.

 

Work on getting over the break-up. You sound like a smart and kind woman. Find someone that deserves a relationship with someone like you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is the most difficult part of dealing with a narcissistic alcoholic cheat... the constant push and pull. You can bet that he WILL come running back to you at some point. Be prepared and do NOT let him back. It isn't going to get better than this until he figures out a better coping strategy. My guess is he'll spend the better part of his life always looking for that bigger, better, deal.. the next high, the next heart flutter, the next obsession. He's already pushed and pulled you, manipulating you into taking him back, forgiving him how many times now? Please... let it go. Let him go and don't look back.

 

Don't even speak to him. Pack his crap up, put it outside or drop it off on the curb at his place. Change the locks, change your phone number... move if you can to a new place. I am as serious as a heart attack about this. Get away from him before he does further damage to you. He's on a downward spiral and he'll take you with him if you let him.

 

I was there once and no matter what you do, it isn't going to end well for you. Stay away from him and thank your lucky stars that you didn't get married or have children with him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't get pregnant.

 

Look up and inact The 180 to the letter.

 

Move on with your own life and leave him to his own train wreck of a life.

 

Then do some self reflection and possibly some therapy to determine why you thought it was a good idea to get involved with a 19 year old and then put up with him while he was becoming an alcoholic, abusing drugs and cheating on you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Don't worry, he's not coming back ever! He is definitely spiraling and I'm not going along for the ride thank you very much!

Yesterday he texted me that he wanted to come over and get some clothes in the morning. I gave him a time. Then he asked if I was home and that he just wanted to come over right then. I wasn't home, and told him that I wasn't available until the next day (love that manipulation). This morning rolled around, and I thought I heard his bike...but he never came to the door. Apparently he'd ridden his bike up, then taken his car (parked on the street) and left, never came in to get his clothes or anything.

I went to the movies with a friend, and while I was there get a text from him stating he's applied for a place. Then says he's stopping by to get a package. Nothing about his clothes.

At any rate, I was doing a lot of thinking about how he's been behaving, and how two months ago he was telling everyone we were going to get married (and he doesn't know I have his Facebook password so he thought this was private) telling his friends to shape up, etc. Then how since June he's been overly energized, changing his appearance, almost overly self confident, and just a lot of things added up and I realized that it is very likely he is bipolar. I am not the first person to think that either. Not saying that as an excuse, there is no excuse for his behavior and he's never coming back, but it explains a lot.

Then I violated a NC rule and went on his Facebook with his password. I'm glad I did! Because I found out he'd either broken in to our apartment today or made a copy of the key before he gave it back, because there was a picture of him on our back porch, which is only accessible through the house! I was in shock! I feel very violated.

I rent, so I can't have the lock changed tonight, but first thing tomorrow I'm calling the property management people and getting the locks changed. Fortunately they are extremely prompt with maintenance and also very understanding.

He also tells me that he's coming by on Thursday to pack and move everything out. Believe me, if he's not here I'll back it myself and put it out on the curb.

As for the age difference-yes, we had a big age difference. No, I don't need intensive psychotherapy because of our age difference. He was an adult, I was an adult. When we first began dating he was extremely mature, kind, very helpful. I kept thinking that he was too young, but everyone who met him said that he was so mature for his age, etc. Everyone who met him deemed him special, a keeper. I was told my countless people not to let him go! Of course that was before all the drinking and lying. Previous to this June, and after couples counseling, he was committed to the relationship, no maturity issues, wasn't drinking, still working and going to school part time, we spent plenty of time together, he was very supportive as I became increasingly stressed while trying to finish my thesis, and overall the relationship was in a really good place.

Then things just nose dived.

At any rate, I'm LC until the phone line is sorted out and he's moved out. If he doesn't go with me to Verizon on Thursday to get his line off my plan, I'm canceling his line. If he doesn't move his stuff out, it's going to go out on the curb or to goodwill. Then NC after that. I am already familiar with the 180, and had already started implementing before the break up. Reading codependent no more, started going to alanon, and even though we've been using condoms for a year, getting tested for STD's ASAP. Its amazing how someone can love you or say they do and then just start acting like a piece of you know what.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Oh and my friend will be here Thursday when he is here moving out so I won't be alone with him! I also closed the joint account and opened a new one so that he can't take anything out of it, which we had already discussed me doing.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
World's.Edge
As for the age difference-yes, we had a big age difference. No, I don't need intensive psychotherapy because of our age difference. He was an adult, I was an adult. When we first began dating he was extremely mature, kind, very helpful. I kept thinking that he was too young, but everyone who met him said that he was so mature for his age, etc.

 

Well it's not about maturity, it's about life experience which at that age is pretty limited. I'm 29 and I couldn't imagine and wouldn't consider a serious relationship with someone who's 19.

 

Heartache is heartache, so sorry for what you're going through.

 

You seem to be handling it well though: no crying in the fetal position or over a tub of ice cream, so that's good.

 

It'll take time to work through the hurt. Focus on you and take care of yourself: exercise, eat healthy, socialize and engage in actvities you enjoy.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin

Ugh. He's an alcoholic, lazy, unambitious, uneducated man-child.

 

Next time, date a real man, not some 19 year old kid whose going NOWHERE and expects you to support him and chew his food for him.

 

It sounds as though you were more his 'mommy' than his partner.

 

Good to see you're aware of the bullet you dodged. Too bad you wasted more than a day on him.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Wow, everyone is really caught up in the age difference lol. Which is funny because no one who knew us as a couple ever thought it was a big deal. Previous to this past year of cheating and the acceleration of his alcoholism, we had a relatively healthy and mutually supportive partnership. While there were issues, we seemed to have a healthier and happier relationship then many same age couples that we knew. It seems that there are a lot of assumptions being made that make a lot of comments less then helpful.

 

I didn't raise him. I wasn't his mommy, nor did we have a mother/child kind of relationship. I wouldn't have stayed if that was the relationship that we had. Did we have an alcoholic/codependent relationship? Unfortunately yes, and I wish I had gone to Alanon years ago and started working on my part in that. Some people can have plenty of life experience at an early age; others very little by the time they're 40. We actually had a lot in common when we first met in terms of life experience, and that was certainly part of what drew us together.

 

Having to constantly argue with strangers who know only a handful of paragraphs about my relationship with my ex and make a lot of rather unhelpful assumptions based on our age difference without asking questions first isn't particularly useful to my healing process. So if you were wondering about my relationship dynamic, it would have been more helpful to ask rather then assuming. I expected this forum to be more supportive and helpful based on previous readings of other people's posts, and I have to say that I'm fairly disappointed.

Link to post
Share on other sites

yes. run and don't look back! thank the heavens your not married to him.

 

do care when choosing. you seem to be a very ambitious and driven young woman. someone like you should punch up or at least the same level.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear that you've had to go through this.

 

The truth is that he is a person with many deep-seated problems.

 

The alcoholism is only the tip of the iceberg.

 

Alcohol is his method of dealing with the deeper problems.

 

He's broken and you can't fix him.

 

 

Take care.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Having to constantly argue with strangers who know only a handful of paragraphs about my relationship with my ex and make a lot of rather unhelpful assumptions based on our age difference without asking questions first isn't particularly useful to my healing process. So if you were wondering about my relationship dynamic, it would have been more helpful to ask rather then assuming. I expected this forum to be more supportive and helpful based on previous readings of other people's posts, and I have to say that I'm fairly disappointed.

 

People here tend to be very forthright about their opinions, but each in their own way, are trying to help. If you stick around you will see that.

 

Take care.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Having to constantly argue with strangers who know only a handful of paragraphs about my relationship with my ex and make a lot of rather unhelpful assumptions based on our age difference without asking questions first isn't particularly useful to my healing process. So if you were wondering about my relationship dynamic, it would have been more helpful to ask rather then assuming. I expected this forum to be more supportive and helpful based on previous readings of other people's posts, and I have to say that I'm fairly disappointed.

 

Like many new posters, you're confusing disagreement with attacks. There are many differing opinions out there but when there's a consistent response regarding age difference/maturity as there was to your post, you might more seriously consider its validity. I look at it as crowd-sourcing experience.

 

I don't think a 19-year old partner (especially male :eek:) is the right choice for a 29-year old. Doesn't mean I fault you for choosing to do so...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
SawtoothMars
Wow, everyone is really caught up in the age difference lol. Which is funny because no one who knew us as a couple ever thought it was a big deal. Previous to this past year of cheating and the acceleration of his alcoholism, we had a relatively healthy and mutually supportive partnership. While there were issues, we seemed to have a healthier and happier relationship then many same age couples that we knew. It seems that there are a lot of assumptions being made that make a lot of comments less then helpful.

I didn't raise him. I wasn't his mommy, nor did we have a mother/child kind of relationship. I wouldn't have stayed if that was the relationship that we had. Did we have an alcoholic/codependent relationship? Unfortunately yes, and I wish I had gone to Alanon years ago and started working on my part in that. Some people can have plenty of life experience at an early age; others very little by the time they're 40. We actually had a lot in common when we first met in terms of life experience, and that was certainly part of what drew us together.

Having to constantly argue with strangers who know only a handful of paragraphs about my relationship with my ex and make a lot of rather unhelpful assumptions based on our age difference without asking questions first isn't particularly useful to my healing process. So if you were wondering about my relationship dynamic, it would have been more helpful to ask rather then assuming. I expected this forum to be more supportive and helpful based on previous readings of other people's posts, and I have to say that I'm fairly disappointed.

 

I think the age issue IS the key piece here. If you think the cheating hurts now... what do you think it would be like when you are 45 and he is 35?

 

You can't expect him to skip several life stages. He is going to want a wild party phase... and if he doesn't do it now... it's going to be in 10 years. That's just how humans are built.

 

I really feel for you on the cheating. It's a dirtbag thing to do, but don't feel like it's your fault at all. You could be the prettiest, most intelligent woman ever and he still would be out cheating with ugly fat trolls (think snooki)... that's just where he is at in life right now. You will find a guy who will love and cherish you! Believe it!

Link to post
Share on other sites
ShatteredLady

I'm only saying this because it's an area that hasn't been mentioned. I know first hand what Zoloft etc can do to a person. Just out of interest make a note of when he started taking meds, how he was a couple of weeks later (better? Emotionally invested? Excited about your future) & how he was 6-8 weeks after starting.

My husband has always suffered with self-deprecating depression. We have been together for 25 years. There have been occasions that I've found myself married to a sociopathic, abusive alien that I truly don't recognize. 6-8 weeks after starting antidepressants he's "Not happy. Feels unappreciated & unloved. Not sure he loves me anymore". This progresses to venomous anger. Everything is wrong with me & I'm destroying his life & robbing him of potential love & happiness. I later find he's made uncharacteristic life choices, emotional affairs, self destructive behavior. I'm blamed for his actions. It's all my fault. He's so strong & determined that he doesn't need medications anymore....wait a couple of weeks & the remorse hits. He's a worthless pile of crap that doesn't deserve me etc etc.

It's taken me a long time to spot the pattern. Antidepressants have caused a lot of pain & depression (mine) in my life!

I'm not excusing any action. As I said, it's just something that hasn't been discussed. I'm terribly sorry that you're going through all of this heartbreak & pain. I know a lot of people who have always been very mature & never been through wild, partying 20's. I wouldn't let this put you off of the younger man. He seems to have so many issues though. If it's in your nature to nurture injured birds accept that. It's not necessarily a bad thing in my opinion. If you love someone there's nothing wrong with wanting to help them. His lieing, drug/alcohol issues, infidelity would be too much for me. I'd run but I know life can be incredibly complicated where the heart is concerned. I wish you all the best for your future.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Looks like you were lucky to get away while you had the chance.

 

He's likely got several issues he needs to deal with.

 

Hopefully the next guy you date offers you less problems.

 

You can't fix his issues so just stay NC.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Ultimately, I decided to post this in the infidelity section rather then breaking up, because it is the infidelity that hurts me the most, and the thing that I think i'm the most stuck on. I also feel like, when he eventually realizes that breaking up and moving hasn't fixed any of his problems, and that he's lost an amazing woman who put up with a lot of crap, he's going to try to come oozing back, and I know I will need you loveshacker's to keep me on the straight and narrow!

 

I hope you got the family heirloom back.

 

As for him ... keep running away from him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...