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I am so lost and alone


Star lights

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Star lights

I have recently done the trip if a lifetime. I am travelling the world.

 

I have been with my partner for 1 year and had recently started to struggle with my lack of past. I had always been in relationships and never had my crazy time.

 

My partner is the most understanding person and was great at dealing with my decision to go away for sone months.

 

My first month was crazy, I partied all the time and thought that I was finally being young. During this time I cheated on 3 seperate occasions. After the last occasion I woke up and reality hit me. I realised I ruined everything and hurt my partner.

 

The person I am travelling with believes it's best to never tell him. How can I do that to the man I love.

 

So the guilt is killing me and I decided to tell him that there are some seperate occasions that I cannot remember to well but think that I may have cheated.

 

I have said that I would like firgiveness but understand if he cannot.

 

He has said he will forgive me and we can start again but he has said this on the basis that I am not sure if I have cheated.

 

I feel like I am still being deceptive.

 

I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. My cheating wasn't about us it was my stupidity and my worry of missing out. It was the most selfish thing I could have ever done and I am actually leaving my trip early because I cannot cope. I can't eat I can't hold down a conversation with anyone, I only feel better when I sleep because for a few seconds after I wake up I forget what I have done.

 

I am a troubled soul as it is and this is making me have a hard time. I believe I was having a bit of a break down before I came away but I feel this has made it so much worse.

 

I just don't know if I can tell him the truth no matter how much I want to. I do to want him to look at me any different. I want this to go away

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star lights,

 

I want this to go away

 

I'm sure you do, but it won't.

 

As I see it you have 2 choices;

 

1. Fess up and tell him and take the fallout.

2. Say nothing and live with this for the rest of your life.

 

My concern is that if you don't get IC and find out why you did this, you may well do it again. :rolleyes:

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TaraMaiden2

Well, of course, it won't.

 

I suggest you have counselling, if only to get a concrete handle on your emotions.

 

I always look at it this way:

 

Think of your very favourite food. An item, or dish, which you would have as your 'Desert Island' luxury. A food item that makes you go "Mmmmm!!" every time you think of it.

 

Now imagine this:

 

you are obliged to eat this food item - and only this, nothing else - for the remainder of your life.

Breakfast, lunch, tea, supper, dinner, snacks, in-between bites.... Only this.

Nothing else, at all.

 

Not even water.

 

I guarantee you, after a while, you will be heartily fed up with it.

 

In my opinion - it's the same with partners.

What? There are close on 7 billion people on this planet - and I can only have one?

For ever??

 

Can't be done.

 

You responded to a natural instinct.

But your conditioning has made you think what you did was wrong.

 

It wasn't wrong.

The sex, was sex.

What IS wrong - is the deceit.

 

So really, it's not the act, that counts.

It's the surrounding side-order and the implications.

 

Think:

 

Do you consider yourself trustworthy?

Do you really love this guy?

Do you want to put so much extra seasoning on his food, that it will make his sick?

 

You're not going to do this again, are you?

You want to cultivate an image of someone who can be trusted, can be honest, truthful and reliable.

 

In that case, focus on that.

 

BE that person.

 

Keep these details to yourself.

Write them down as a confession on a piece of paper - then burn it.

Watch your guilt go up in flames, and resolve to always, from this day forward, be honest and trustworthy.

 

He may not end up being the only man in your life you'll ever love.

But at least you will be the most honest partner he will ever have.

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Star lights
He has said he will forgive me and we can start again... why would he say this???

 

Because I said I that there are some occasions I can't remember and may have cheated

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TaraMaiden2
But how can I live with myself, it's making me sick

 

I don't know. All I know, is you're 'living' now... so answer the question yourself:

 

How CAN you live with yourself?

 

YOU are making you sick. Not "it".

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Star lights

I told him and he hates me. If anyone reading this is thinking of cheating...please don't do it! I've lost everything I love and all because I was insecure.

 

Thank you all so much for your answers. I hope you can understand that I am not a bad person I am a good person that done something bad and I had to do the right thing by feasting up.

 

It eats you up inside when you lie to someone you love, I could have had a great life but instead I chose to be deceitful and all because I felt like I had missed out.

 

The next few months will be hell but I deserve it. I just hate that I have now given him trust issues...maybe I am a bad person

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Tara is right. You are making yourself sick.

 

 

You hurt yourself. No one forced you to have 3 ONS's.

 

 

So go home.

 

 

Get tested for STD's no matter if you used protection or not.

 

 

Find a good shrink to focus on your issues. There is obviously something wrong inside you if you think you missed out on something and felt the need to cheat on a loyal, loving partner.

 

 

Last but not least realize that a "penis is just that. A penis." The only thing you missed in life is the common sense to realize the greatest thing in your life is "you".

 

 

Now go home, get your head straightened out and tell your partner the truth if you cannot live with your own conscience.

 

 

Get some help.

 

 

HM

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TaraMaiden2
I told him and he hates me. If anyone reading this is thinking of cheating...please don't do it! I've lost everything I love and all because I was insecure.

No, you lost a current relationship because of some bad choices. It's fine. We all do it at some point.

 

Thank you all so much for your answers. I hope you can understand that I am not a bad person I am a good person that done something bad and I had to do the right thing by feasting up.

I absolutely totally agree with you in this statement. Now say it again, and mean it. 100%.

 

It eats you up inside when you lie to someone you love, I could have had a great life but instead I chose to be deceitful and all because I felt like I had missed out.

You didn't know whether you were missing out or not. And frankly, it's possible you WERE missing out. You have now given yourself that experience. And that's OK.

It has taught you much. Perhaps not in the way you first imagined it would, but you have 'grown' through the experience. Use it to your personal advantage.

 

The next few months will be hell but I deserve it.

 

No, you DON'T deserve it.

Drop it, move on and put your experience, as a learning curve, to useful function.

You now know what happens when you deceive.

At least, in your book.

 

I wish more people who were deceitful would have the conscience you had and the courage you demonstrated in confessing.

Others are not so noble.

 

I just hate that I have now given him trust issues...

 

Yes, maybe that is a consequence, but it's part of Life. Many people have been hurt at one time or another, and need to deal with such issues. I have, my H has.... it's part of the Living process.

 

maybe I am a bad person

No, I don't think you are. And I believe, deep down, you know you're not, either.

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Good choice in making the confession. He deserved to be able to make an informed decision about staying with you. He didn't deserve to be tricked into staying with you.

 

And while this was a painful learning experience, you're at least on the path to keeping with an honest and authentic life. People do make mistakes. And cheating on someone is a big one because it affects someone you love. But it's not the mistakes that we make in life that define us; it's how we react to them. You could have gone deeper into the rabbit hole. You didn't. You started making your way out. Good choice.

 

Keep making good choices consistently and your self pride has no choice but to return.

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Star lights

Thank you so much for all of your comments. I will fight to win him back.

 

I doubt it will work but I have to try

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Thank you so much for all of your comments. I will fight to win him back.

 

I doubt it will work but I have to try

 

You may have a decent chance. A voluntary confession goes a long way. Statistically, it doubles the chances of a reconciliation, at least within a marriage. One major factor in being able to forgive someone stems from them displaying true remorse for their actions. A voluntary confession speaks to remorse more than anything.

 

A return home may also have a similar impact.

 

But this is not to say that you should be overly hopeful. For many men, they simply cannot handle the thought of another man (or, in this case, men) having sex with their woman. The mind movies can be torture. And it takes a LONG time to recover from this. It ain't like the movies where forgiveness happens and they just live happily ever after with a new appreciation for one another. We're talking 2-5 years of demonstrating consistent actions over that time to rebuild trust. You'll need to embrace transparency and you'll need to do it proactively. You'll need to understand that he has numerous stages of grief to suffer (including anger) and you'll have to be immensely patient.

 

And you'll have to know that he can just call it quits at any time. I don't think you said you were married. The reality is that for many people that aren't married and don't have kids together, it's just easier to call it quits. And I think you'd need to respect that.

 

Regardless, good luck in your efforts.

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Star lights

Does anyone have any advice on how I can win his trust back?

 

Thank you all so much for not judging me, I have never done this before and will never do it again.

 

I feel better for telling him but again that's selfish

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TaraMaiden2

Sadly, right now, you need to back off. You need to give him time to digest the information.

I'm sure the discussion was uncomfortable, and that you apologised... hell, I bet there were tears too...

 

But it's time to just give him some space and not contact him for a while.

 

He may well contact you again, and initiate a get-together, in which case, you may well still have a good chance....

 

If however, he doesn't contact you again, you have to respect that, and let him be.

Some things may not be salvageable...

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All I can tell you do to is give him time. He is going to need it. Be 100% honest with him and when he gets upset just apologize and try to be there for him. Give him access to all your social media sites and be 100% accountable for where you are and where you are going. This will probably take 2-5 years for him to heal and some even longer.

 

On the other side of this you might have to come to terms with there is the chance he can't get over it and even after you put in a TON of good work helping him he leaves you.

 

Its just something you might want to keep in mind.

 

I personally don't suggest anyone stay with a cheater. You knew what you were doing. If you really cared about him you would have never done it in the first place.

 

Clay

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Decide if saving your relationship is more important than the trip, if it is, rush home and let him know that he is more important and you will do anything to make him feel safe again. No more bullsh*t about maybe cheating, tell him every detail if he wants to know. Trickle truth will kill your relationship as easily as having sex with other men. You did this now fix it.

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You should try gain his trust again by been completely honest and getting counselling but it will take years so be prepared to put in the effort .But you might not get a chance , when cheating is involved everyones advice is to cut the cheater out of there life,unless ye have ties together he might just cut you out .

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Star lights

Thank you, I will give him time. I think I am annoying him as I keep messaging him telling him that I will prove myself. He works away so he will not be home when I get there. I should delete his number so I cannot annoy him any more. when I get home I will move my things out of our home and hope he contacts me.

 

The crazy thing is that I hate cheaters, I told him I would not forgive cheating and I would never cheat. I have deceived myself and my morals by doing this.

 

The hardest part, apart from telling him was telling my mum. I needed punishment and I expected it from her. She simply told me that she couldn't punish me any more than I'm punishing myself.

 

I'm in a very lonely place at the moment and hope one day I can forgive myself and be happy again, we choose our path in life and I hope that if anything I have given him a chance at true happiness with someone more deserving. I pray he is happy in life, I just wish that could have been with me.

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Southern Sun

I know it is very hard, but I think the best thing you can do right now is calm down, get home, and get to work on YOU.

 

Messaging him and telling him you want your relationship is very appropriate. But going bananas and freaking out and losing it is probably not going to help.

 

You did the right thing in telling him all of it.

 

Just get home and communicate to him that you aren't going anywhere; that you are going to do the work to figure out what in the heck allowed you to do the things you did, and that what you want is HIM. And that you'll be there for HIM should he choose you in return. And he will likely get very angry and may push you away and may walk out the door for a while. But you just let him know that you want him, and if and when he's ready, you are there. If he chooses to reconcile, that is only the beginning of a whole lot of work to do. A lot.

 

We can't promise it will work, but that is the best you can do...and you really will be okay either way.

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Mr Mind of Shazam

If you love and respect him, he deserves to make an informed choice about his life and whether or not to spend it with you.

 

I think you should own up to your antics and give him the choice.

 

"I have been with my partner for 1 year and had recently started to struggle with my lack of past. I had always been in relationships and never had my crazy time...My first month was crazy, I partied all the time and thought that I was finally being young."

 

I think this is baloney. If you valued your marriage much, this wouldn't have entered your mind. You come across as very immature. Time to grow up a bit.

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Mr Mind of Shazam
Thank you so much for all of your comments. I will fight to win him back.

 

I doubt it will work but I have to try

 

How? And why?

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TaraMaiden2
If you love and respect him, he deserves to make an informed choice about his life and whether or not to spend it with you.

 

I think you should own up to your antics and give him the choice.

 

"I have been with my partner for 1 year and had recently started to struggle with my lack of past. I had always been in relationships and never had my crazy time...My first month was crazy, I partied all the time and thought that I was finally being young."

 

I think this is baloney. If you valued your marriage much, this wouldn't have entered your mind. You come across as very immature. Time to grow up a bit.

 

First of all, she's not married.

Secondly, you really need to read the thread. All of it.

 

Sadly, your comments sound as if you haven't....

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