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Affair improving relationship dynamic? (Updated)


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So, I'll start with the questions - has an affair ever rekindled or reawakened a dead relationship? How are you certain that that new vitality will stick with you once the affair is over... Or is it only there because of the affair?

 

The back story is I'm 25f and have been in a relationship with the same guy since my mid teens. At first it was very passionate, we were both caring and playful and supportive, we helped each other through some difficult events in those early years. But as we've... well, I guess grew up... we've been cycling through times of general contentedness, and all-out cat fights. He is much more vocal than I as I tend to just shut down when in these big fights... which angers him further. That's not an attempt to demonize him, that's just been our relationship dynamic for the past few years. There's no intimacy at all either - either physical (it's been 4 years!) or emotional (I don't feel I can communicate about feelings without him getting defensive).

 

So anyways, met the affair partner maybe six months ago. He's fairly older than me - about 40. He's also in a relationship of his own... to clarify I have no illusions about him rescuing me or him leaving her. Right now I'm simply enjoying whatever is going on.

 

It may not be a relationship but I guess you could say he's given me a glimpse at what I'd really want in one - two people who are compassionate, can talk to each other easily, and enjoy each other as they are. He caught me at a time I was in a bit of a self esteem grave and has built me back up by treating me as an equal partner and lover (despite my very awkward bumblings due to said issue when this first started). I'll LOL at myself a little here and say he's shown me what an adult relationship can and should be like... minus, you know, the sneaking around bit.

 

This booster shot he's given me has brought back my energy, my playfulness, and my courage. The problem is that this revitalization has actually improved my relationship dynamic at home just as I was actually feeling strong enough to leave. I've gone from walking on eggshells at home, to actually enjoying my time with the bf, yet I'm constantly looking over my shoulder wondering when that part is going to come back and bite me in the ***. It feels unfair to my bf, because I wonder if it wasn't me all along, but I still worry when this bubble is going to pop and the cycle repeat... a cycle I don't know if I can handle anymore.

 

Just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and would care to share their story or some insight. Sorry this was long - that's why I put the question at the top! :)

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AnotherSadSong

I believe at the end of the day you are still in a marriage that you described as walking on eggshells. You are using the affair as a drug, you may feel better momentarily, but once the high wears off, you are back to square one.

 

 

As to the enjoying an affair, I never did. I believe it was a form of self torture. I have yet to figure that out yet.

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If you are using the affair like a fuel for your current relationship, as when the fueling A stops, then you won't be able to act the same, then thats bad.

 

If you use the A to help you to realize what you really want and need in a R and partner and that is is possible to have with someone, and how you too may have contributed to the stalemate of your marriage, then you can use that info to grow and renew your R with your spouse.

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minimariah

you're having a "stabilizer affair" - and things WILL go back to where they've been once your A is over or once your partner finds out. why? because you have never dealt with the real problem.

 

4 years without any intimacy....? WOW.

what is keeping you with this dude? kids? finance?

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The reason your relationship is better with your boyfriend is because you are now filling your voids with your affair partner. When the affair ends, and it will, everything will come crashing down on your head and it WILL bite you in the ass. It happened to me and many others on here.

 

You did say that the affair has shown you what you truly want out of a relationship. Why not take that and run with it? It's not fair to yourself to be in an unfulfilling relationship. It's not fair to your boyfriend to be cheated on. It's not fair to the other man's partner. I personally think, from reading what you wrote, your relationship is on borrowed time and you should end both relationships with both men and find one that is more fulfilling to you.

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you're having a "stabilizer affair" - and things WILL go back to where they've been once your A is over or once your partner finds out. why? because you have never dealt with the real problem.

 

4 years without any intimacy....? WOW.

what is keeping you with this dude? kids? finance?

 

Normalcy? Memories? Not willing to give up on the only significant relationship I've every known? No kids, he doesn't want kids or a wedding. Haven't figured out yet if I want either (with or without him). At that point we were already a couple years into the relationship, it wasn't an overnight thing and I didn't want to make a big deal out of, you know, "just sex." But I'm realizing that sex is part of intimacy between partners and the lack has probably contributed to the eroding relationship.

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AnotherSadSong
Normalcy? Memories? Not willing to give up on the only significant relationship I've every known? No kids, he doesn't want kids or a wedding. Haven't figured out yet if I want either (with or without him). At that point we were already a couple years into the relationship, it wasn't an overnight thing and I didn't want to make a big deal out of, you know, "just sex." But I'm realizing that sex is part of intimacy between partners and the lack has probably contributed to the eroding relationship.

Ok going by the facts. No one is married here. You have no children. You are walking on eggshells. There is no passion or sex in the relationship at all. You have to have more than familiarity for a romantic relationship to thrive, a friendship can survive that alone, but not a long term relationship. Maybe it can and because it would not work for me, I am projecting that is will not work for you. Is your AP married or is it bf-gf too?

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SadSong, Iunno, I'm enjoying the physical aspects as well as the just hanging out and talking. Trust me I know what I'm doing isn't right but I guess it's not really tortuous (yet?) as I've not had to outright lie to the bf or anything.

 

Popsicle, I don't know what I'm doing but I'd like to think the latter, or some version of it - using the A to figure my own self out, rather than using it as fuel as you say.

 

GoldieLox, right now I'm struggling that the relationship HAS improved... do I wait to try and keep the improvements going, or do I cut and run on the assumption that the past is going to repeat?

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Normalcy? Memories? Not willing to give up on the only significant relationship I've every known?

 

I don't doubt that you love your boyfriend, but in this case, I think feelings of attachment are overtaking your feelings of love.

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GoldieLox, right now I'm struggling that the relationship HAS improved... do I wait to try and keep the improvements going, or do I cut and run on the assumption that the past is going to repeat?

 

If I were you, I'd cut and run, personally. The affair is going to be temporary. I think it's keeping your relationship on life support, so when it ends, the relationship will just go back to what is was. I'd also suggest some counseling to try and figure this out.

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Ok going by the facts. No one is married here. You have no children. You are walking on eggshells. There is no passion or sex in the relationship at all. You have to have more than familiarity for a romantic relationship to thrive, a friendship can survive that alone, but not a long term relationship. Maybe it can and because it would not work for me, I am projecting that is will not work for you. Is your AP married or is it bf-gf too?

 

He is not married, my understanding is that it is a relationship of a few years, live-in bf-gf like myself. I've no idea of their dynamic, I've thought it not really my business to ask, if he wants to share he will on his own.

 

I don't think you're projecting, I'm still figuring out if it works for me, hence the post :)

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AnotherSadSong
He is not married, my understanding is that it is a relationship of a few years, live-in bf-gf like myself. I've no idea of their dynamic, I've thought it not really my business to ask, if he wants to share he will on his own.

 

I don't think you're projecting, I'm still figuring out if it works for me, hence the post :)

 

I must be Nosey Betty, because I have to know all in order to be in any relationship. I read another poster yesterday replying she did not know the answers to certain questions too, so it is not only you.

 

 

You mentioned the relationship is getting better, can you be more specific?

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If I were you, I'd cut and run, personally. The affair is going to be temporary. I think it's keeping your relationship on life support, so when it ends, the relationship will just go back to what is was. I'd also suggest some counseling to try and figure this out.

 

I suppose... it just feels wrong to leave when things are actually looking better, you know? He's being more affectionate again and actually - usually - listening to me. Guess I'm just a good procrastinator. It's easy to talk about it, easy to think about, much harder to follow through... ironically, leaving feels like more of a betrayal than the A does.

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minimariah

you are only 25, that is way too young to settle for a relationship with 0 intimacy for so ling. leaving your 1st relationship because you want better, MUCH better is a part of growing up & becoming an adult.

 

we've pretty much all been there & you WILL find better, trust me.

 

my advice to you is to take a good look at your relationship & decide if you want to work on it (that includes breaking up the A) OR if you want to leave. if you REALLY want to test if things with your partner are indeed better - put a hold to your A and see what your relationship looks like WITHOUT it. many As actually stabilize and normalize mediocre & bad relationships, it's not uncommon for partners to flourish in the middle of an A - especially the sex part.

 

now, if you leave, you gotta decide if you want to keep the A or leave that too & look for something else or just be single for a while. it's good to be single, take your time to know yourself and to learn how to just BE with yourself.

 

you know you can't keep this up forever & the question is what will happen when the A stops / blows up. don't wait for that moment, take control of your life because this IS bothering you. if it wasn't, you wouldn't be opening a thread about it.

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I must be Nosey Betty, because I have to know all in order to be in any relationship. I read another poster yesterday replying she did not know the answers to certain questions too, so it is not only you.

 

 

You mentioned the relationship is getting better, can you be more specific?

 

LOL trust me I'm curious, like what motivation does he have for the A etc etc? But I'm trying not to be obnoxious or pushy, and I know this is likely fleeting so just living in the moment I guess. Naive? Silly? Probably.

 

More affection, more effort to spend quality time rather than just existing in the same house. Our last fight, I told him flat out that I could not handle the shouting or the malicious "he-did-she-did" anymore, it was breaking me, I would leave. Since then it feels he's put more of an effort into calm communication, relaxing, even just smiling.

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Before I started my affair I was really ready to walk away from my marriage. Shortly into it became clear that I didnt want my marriage to end.

 

However, the affair in no way made it better.

 

I think whats going on is its creating some emotional distance. You maybe actually caring less about your boyfriend and relationship. Which gives you this short term appearance of getting better. Your happier which in turn makes your boyfriend happier.

 

This will change because the dynamic of the affair will change. You WILL, at some point become more emotionally invested in your affair partner, thats when the troubles will.start.

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now, if you leave, you gotta decide if you want to keep the A or leave that too & look for something else or just be single for a while. it's good to be single, take your time to know yourself and to learn how to just BE with yourself.

 

This is something that's been in the back of my mind for a while. Not being by myself as an adult, ever, I don't even know what I'm bringing to the table in a relationship... but then that feels like more self-doubting, which is my own problem and not something to blame him or leave him for.

 

Your first paragraph reminds me of a Facebook meme... A dog laying on the grass saying "I don't want to adult today..."

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There aren't many men who go 4 years without sex. Especially so young.....are you sure he isn't cheating too?

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That is a long time to go without physical intimacy. Especially in the 20's.

 

You've no idea @_@

 

There aren't many men who go 4 years without sex. Especially so young.....are you sure he isn't cheating too?

 

As far as I'm aware, he hasn't, but I guess if I can, so can he. There's been nothing that's aroused my suspicion. I've always thought he simply developed a low drive, maybe the stress of college took a toll on it.

 

Edit: to clarify without over sharing, it's not, like, he's simply not acting interested and I'm not making an effort (miscommunication?), it's that he's repeatedly told me "no", at various levels of intimacy. Which really makes a girl feel like filth after a while tbh, but I don't ever think that's his intention.

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AnotherSadSong
You've no idea @_@

 

 

 

As far as I'm aware, he hasn't, but I guess if I can, so can he. There's been nothing that's aroused my suspicion. I've always thought he simply developed a low drive, maybe the stress of college took a toll on it.

 

Edit: to clarify without over sharing, it's not, like, he's simply not acting interested and I'm not making an effort (miscommunication?), it's that he's repeatedly told me "no", at various levels of intimacy. Which really makes a girl feel like filth after a while tbh, but I don't ever think that's his intention.

 

No??? No wonder you are looking at other avenues and men. That rejection alone would be extremely hurtful. Have you spoke to him about it?

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whichwayisup
So, I'll start with the questions - has an affair ever rekindled or reawakened a dead relationship? How are you certain that that new vitality will stick with you once the affair is over... Or is it only there because of the affair?

 

The back story is I'm 25f and have been in a relationship with the same guy since my mid teens. At first it was very passionate, we were both caring and playful and supportive, we helped each other through some difficult events in those early years. But as we've... well, I guess grew up... we've been cycling through times of general contentedness, and all-out cat fights. He is much more vocal than I as I tend to just shut down when in these big fights... which angers him further. That's not an attempt to demonize him, that's just been our relationship dynamic for the past few years. There's no intimacy at all either - either physical (it's been 4 years!) or emotional (I don't feel I can communicate about feelings without him getting defensive).

 

So anyways, met the affair partner maybe six months ago. He's fairly older than me - about 40. He's also in a relationship of his own... to clarify I have no illusions about him rescuing me or him leaving her. Right now I'm simply enjoying whatever is going on.

 

It may not be a relationship but I guess you could say he's given me a glimpse at what I'd really want in one - two people who are compassionate, can talk to each other easily, and enjoy each other as they are. He caught me at a time I was in a bit of a self esteem grave and has built me back up by treating me as an equal partner and lover (despite my very awkward bumblings due to said issue when this first started). I'll LOL at myself a little here and say he's shown me what an adult relationship can and should be like... minus, you know, the sneaking around bit.

 

This booster shot he's given me has brought back my energy, my playfulness, and my courage. The problem is that this revitalization has actually improved my relationship dynamic at home just as I was actually feeling strong enough to leave. I've gone from walking on eggshells at home, to actually enjoying my time with the bf, yet I'm constantly looking over my shoulder wondering when that part is going to come back and bite me in the ***. It feels unfair to my bf, because I wonder if it wasn't me all along, but I still worry when this bubble is going to pop and the cycle repeat... a cycle I don't know if I can handle anymore.

 

Just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and would care to share their story or some insight. Sorry this was long - that's why I put the question at the top! :)

 

Why not just end things with your boyfriend? It just sounds like you two are two different people now and have grown apart, and what's left is not in love feelings, it's obligation and unhappiness most of the time..That is, until you chose to sneak off and have an affair.

 

You are not investing in your boyfriend at all, you're investing in the OM whether you're aware of it or not.

 

As hard as it'll be to do, it's time to decide now if you want to end things with your boyfriend, or fix it. He's been in your life for a long time, your relationship has gone stale. Question is, is the relationship worth saving and is your boyfriend worth fighting for? did you ever tell him how you feel and ask if he is unhappy?

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whichwayisup
This is something that's been in the back of my mind for a while. Not being by myself as an adult, ever, I don't even know what I'm bringing to the table in a relationship... but then that feels like more self-doubting, which is my own problem and not something to blame him or leave him for.

 

Your first paragraph reminds me of a Facebook meme... A dog laying on the grass saying "I don't want to adult today..."

 

So, for your own best interest maybe ending it with him and being on your own so you can grow as a person, become fully independent and self sufficient might be a really good thing for you. You can't cling to your bf in fears of being alone.

 

I hope you just be honest with him, including telling him about your affair. If you want to be an authentic person and be an adult, show him kindness and apologize for cheating on him and having an affair. Don't justify it, own it. Maybe this is a wake up call to get the fire under his ass going again and bring passion back and together you two can work through this. Or, it'll end things so you both can move on.

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whichwayisup
SadSong, Iunno, I'm enjoying the physical aspects as well as the just hanging out and talking. Trust me I know what I'm doing isn't right but I guess it's not really tortuous (yet?) as I've not had to outright lie to the bf or anything.

 

Popsicle, I don't know what I'm doing but I'd like to think the latter, or some version of it - using the A to figure my own self out, rather than using it as fuel as you say.

 

GoldieLox, right now I'm struggling that the relationship HAS improved... do I wait to try and keep the improvements going, or do I cut and run on the assumption that the past is going to repeat?

 

It hasn't improved. What's improved is your own happiness that you're getting from someone else. This has nothing to do with your boyfriend! The relationship is still the same, you just perceive it differently because of the affair.

 

How has it improved? Has your boyfriend changed? Has the communication and issues changed? My guess is no. Only thing that's changed is you and your outlook and internal happiness because of outside sources.

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It hasn't improved. What's improved is your own happiness that you're getting from someone else. This has nothing to do with your boyfriend! The relationship is still the same, you just perceive it differently because of the affair.

 

How has it improved? Has your boyfriend changed? Has the communication and issues changed? My guess is no. Only thing that's changed is you and your outlook and internal happiness because of outside sources.

 

Yet she has to find a way to get that happiness internally. No man can make you happy, enhance yes make? Not a chance.

 

This is high school girl giddy. It also shows in parts that she is half the problem in her relationship if her changed outlook also changed (in her mind) the dynamic of the relationship. She could have found this new outlook without cheating had she changed her mindset.

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