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Should I know everything / Should she tell me


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My wife had an affair, lasted 6 months. It was last year. I keep having this questions on my mind, and everytime I try to ask anything we fight. Some say, I shouldn't know all the details, its gonna eat me inside. Int he other hand she is supposed to not hide/lie to me about it.

My feeling is that I will only rebuild my self esteem back once I know I am "better" than him (for her). But what if he is?

I wrote a list of questions. Please tell me what is right to as and what is not (some will not make any sense for you, just bear with me. And i'm gonna hide some info, for privacy):

====================================

What was you routine when at his place? And before he got his own place, where did you and him spend time and had sex?

After you came back from the concert in ****(another city), have you ever been with him again? Have you gone somewhere just you and him? Have you kissed him? Sex with him?

When was the last time you had sex with him?

What did you and him talk about your future together? Was he going to support you thru school, including tuition?

When did you break up with him? Did he just agree or did he try to talk you out of it? Did make any (more) promises for the future?

When did he stop contacting you? Did you have to ask him to stop? Did he insisted?

Do you think he has ever cheated on you? (except with [his wife]) Why, did you catch anything suspicious?

After breaking up with him, you kept seeing him as “friend”. Any kiss or sex?

To who in your life did you ever talk about him? For example, “me and [the OM] went to this place” or “[the OM] told me about this”, etc…

Did you ever fight with him? Why?

I know you and him talked a lot of **** about [the OM's wife]. What kinda **** did you and him talk about me?

How often did you sick his dick? Did you ever let him cum in your mouth? How often did you let him go down on you.

Does he think you came every time (or almost) you had sex?

How good was to have sex with him?

What happened the night you stayed with him until 5AM (that you said you slept in the car)

How does it feel to be with a rich man?

Did you and him used to walk holding hands?

Did you feel proud walking with him? For what reason? (he is handsome/ he is in charge, etc…)

He told Tamara that you had had sex with girls. Did you and him ever talk about doing that?

Did you tell him about any of our 3somes and swing club? Did you or him ever mentioned the existence of a swing club in [our city]?

Did he ever give ANY gift to you? Did you give any to him?

When I was in Miami, is it true that you didn’t go anywhere with him other than the game and restaurant?

Did you act like his girlfriend around town? Where and around who?

Did he introduce you to others as his “girlfriend”?

Did you feel like you were a “trophy” girl to him? Did you feel he was a “trophy” to you? Why?( Why yes or why no)

Did you ever go out of town with him? Where, when, why, what did you do?

Did he ever meet my kids? Did you meet his (the ogre)?

Did you ever tell him about how much money I make, our financial problems, or anything like that?

How did you interact with him at the dart games after you decided to not leave me? (Any touching, talking, what subjects of conversation, any reference to the affair, or things you used to do or places you went)

Were you and him open about being together at the games?

Do you think he has a fancy car?

Did he ever drove fast with you in the car? (did you ever thought “he is going too fast”, or told him to drive slower)

Did he ever carried his gun on him (his body, concealed)? Did he ever had it in his car? Have you ever seen his gun?

What kinda clothes did he use after work? How did you like it?

======================================================

 

Thanks yall!

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As much as you may think you want the answers to those Qs, you don't. That knowledge will destroy you. You will never get those images out of your mind.

 

 

All you need to know is she had an affair, it's over, she's sorry & wants to reconcile. Beyond that the details will kill you.

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SammySammy

Do you really think the answers to those questions are going to make you feel

"better" than this man?

 

What if you're not better than him? What then?

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casey.lives

the only question I would ask is: why didn't you just break up with me if you wanted to pursue someone else??? :(

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As much as you may think you want the answers to those Qs, you don't. That knowledge will destroy you. You will never get those images out of your mind.

 

 

All you need to know is she had an affair, it's over, she's sorry & wants to reconcile. Beyond that the details will kill you.

 

The problem is that I already have all the images on my mind and they are always the worst possible scenario. My hope is that actual information will make them not so ugly.

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Artie Lang

ask whatever you feel you need to move on. just ask yourself if you really can handle it.

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Do you really think the answers to those questions are going to make you feel

"better" than this man?

 

What if you're not better than him? What then?

 

Exactly... What if??

Is it easier to cope with reality? My imagination always create the worst scenarios.

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whichwayisup

You have a right to ask questions and want to know details. The A is over and (hopefully they are in complete no contact mode) you two are back together, working to get things good again so it is okay for you to be honest and want to know more about the A. My only concern is, you getting the answers, will it hinder the progress that's been made between you two? Or will it bring you some peace, albeit painful to hear?

 

Did you two ever do marriage counseling?

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You have a right to ask questions and want to know details. The A is over and (hopefully they are in complete no contact mode) you two are back together, working to get things good again so it is okay for you to be honest and want to know more about the A. My only concern is, you getting the answers, will it hinder the progress that's been made between you two? Or will it bring you some peace, albeit painful to hear?

 

Did you two ever do marriage counseling?

 

I tried MC. We went 2 times, than the MC wanted to do separete sessions, I went to mine, she didnt. It was the end of it.

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whichwayisup
I tried MC. We went 2 times, than the MC wanted to do separete sessions, I went to mine, she didnt. It was the end of it.

 

Why did she not go? Is it possible she just wants to forget the A, not own up to her own faults, face her demons as to why she chose to cheat and betray you, risk the marriage and hurt you in the worst way? IS she genuinely remorseful?

 

Not sure how you can fully trust her if she can't fix herself and understand why she did what she did, as well as her not wanting to discuss the affair with you, instead she gets mad and that leads to a fight. Counseling could have helped fix herself and reconnect you two together in joint counseling.

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Why did she not go? Is it possible she just wants to forget the A, not own up to her own faults, face her demons as to why she chose to cheat and betray you, risk the marriage and hurt you in the worst way? IS she genuinely remorseful?

 

Not sure how you can fully trust her if she can't fix herself and understand why she did what she did, as well as her not wanting to discuss the affair with you, instead she gets mad and that leads to a fight. Counseling could have helped fix herself and reconnect you two together in joint counseling.

 

I believe she genuinely loves me and wants to make it work. I am not sure about remorse or regret.

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whichwayisup
I believe she genuinely loves me and wants to make it work. I am not sure about remorse or regret.

 

If she can't open up to you about this or at least do counseling, not sure how "love" is just going to repair your marriage.

 

Has she affair proofed herself/marriage? Set boundaries for herself about not being friendly with men? Knowing when to walk away?

 

What has she actually done other than tell you she loves you, to regain your trust and faith in her? Is she an open book and allow you access to her phone, email, facebook etc? Is she okay with you checking up on her if you feel the urge?

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drifter777
The problem is that I already have all the images on my mind and they are always the worst possible scenario. My hope is that actual information will make them not so ugly.

You have to be a fellow BH to understand why you feel you need answers to disgusting questions like these. I was/am just like you in that the truth could not possibly be as bad as the pictures in my mind.

 

First, you have to really understand that you cannot un-hear anything she tells you. Be sure you want to know something before you ask. You have a right to the truth. She should answer every question you ask truthfully. She does't get to filter the answers because she thinks you can't handle it. The reason she needs to be fully open and honest is to prove to you that she isn't lying and withholding on anything.

 

No matter what she finally tells you the sad fact is that she will still lie. There are truths that she will take to the grave - things she will never tell you. Get as much as you need - I hope it helps.

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I really am trying not to be harsh all the time, but after reading horrible back stories (including yours), Its a little difficult, so, I have a few questions for you if you dont mind.

 

Why did you force your wife to cuckhold you with this same married guy?

Didn't you ask these same questions then?

Did you enjoy being cuckholded?

Since you stated in a previous post that your wife didn't enjoy sex, why did you force

3somes, swinger parties and a alternative lifestyle on her?

Are these questions part of your cuckhold fantasy?

Why did you kill sex for your wife?

Why aren't you looking in the mirror and asking questions of yourself?

 

Most importantly, What the hell is the matter with you?

 

I know, I know, what's agreed upon in a open relationship is different from cheating, but YOU clearly made this bed, so I will give my opinion on who is the better man'

 

NEITHER OF YOU

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SammySammy
I really am trying not to be harsh all the time, but after reading horrible back stories (including yours), Its a little difficult, so, I have a few questions for you if you dont mind.

 

Why did you force your wife to cuckhold you with this same married guy?

Didn't you ask these same questions then?

Did you enjoy being cuckholded?

Since you stated in a previous post that your wife didn't enjoy sex, why did you force

3somes, swinger parties and a alternative lifestyle on her?

Are these questions part of your cuckhold fantasy?

Why did you kill sex for your wife?

Why aren't you looking in the mirror and asking questions of yourself?

 

Most importantly, What the hell is the matter with you?

 

I know, I know, what's agreed upon in a open relationship is different from cheating, but YOU clearly made this bed, so I will give my opinion on who is the better man'

 

NEITHER OF YOU

 

That's what I'm wondering. Some of these guys have major problems.

 

Encourage a woman to sleep with other men and then want to mentally beat her up for "cheating".

 

Find a girl with an active sexual past, make her his girlfriend and then mentally torture her because he's crazy.

 

These guys are mentally abusive and don't deserve to be in a relationship with any woman. I'm not sure why a woman would tolerate this crap from them.

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I wrote a list of questions. Please tell me what is right to as and what is not

 

Wha... Wow.

 

Look at the questions you typed. Now think about how far this must have spiraled out of control for you to write that dissertation of a list and want advice on the contents of it.

 

I don't know the background here, but there is really only one pertinent question in my mind: Did her actions violate the terms of your relationship?

 

If the answer is unequivocally "yes," then you have all of the information you need.

 

Also, I concur with those who said that you don't want the answers to the questions on the list. You really, really don't, especially if you have an overactive imagination.

Edited by Palmeiras
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aliveagain

As long as she has secrets between her and O/M the affair still lives, by keeping it secret from you she is still choosing him. If she doesn't get professional help to find out why she did what she did to you the chances are very high she'll repeat. I wouldn't even think of reconciliation unless she agreed to my terms which would include full transparency, no secrets between her and anyone else and independent counselling. Make her do the work or why bother taking her back because she's still broken. My guess is she knows that if you heard how badly she behaved you'd probably divorce her.

 

Try googling Joseph's Letter, address it to her and wait for her reply. There can be no hidden secrets in a healthy marriage. I wouldn't waste too much time with an unremorseful spouse.

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Wha... Wow.

 

Look at the questions you typed. Now think about how far this must have spiraled out of control for you to write that dissertation of a list and want advice on the contents of it.

 

I don't know the background here, but there is really only one pertinent question in my mind: Did her actions violate the terms of your relationship?

 

If the answer is unequivocally "yes," then you have all of the information you need.

 

Also, I concur with those who said that you don't want the answers to the questions on the list. You really, really don't, especially if you have an overactive imagination.

 

 

The answer is:

YES

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My wife had an affair, lasted 6 months. It was last year. I keep having this questions on my mind, and everytime I try to ask anything we fight. Some say, I shouldn't know all the details, its gonna eat me inside. Int he other hand she is supposed to not hide/lie to me about it.

My feeling is that I will only rebuild my self esteem back once I know I am "better" than him (for her). But what if he is?

I wrote a list of questions. Please tell me what is right to as and what is not (some will not make any sense for you, just bear with me. And i'm gonna hide some info, for privacy):

====================================

What was you routine when at his place? And before he got his own place, where did you and him spend time and had sex?

After you came back from the concert in ****(another city), have you ever been with him again? Have you gone somewhere just you and him? Have you kissed him? Sex with him?

When was the last time you had sex with him?

What did you and him talk about your future together? Was he going to support you thru school, including tuition?

When did you break up with him? Did he just agree or did he try to talk you out of it? Did make any (more) promises for the future?

When did he stop contacting you? Did you have to ask him to stop? Did he insisted?

Do you think he has ever cheated on you? (except with [his wife]) Why, did you catch anything suspicious?

After breaking up with him, you kept seeing him as “friend”. Any kiss or sex?

To who in your life did you ever talk about him? For example, “me and [the OM] went to this place” or “[the OM] told me about this”, etc…

Did you ever fight with him? Why?

I know you and him talked a lot of **** about [the OM's wife]. What kinda **** did you and him talk about me?

How often did you sick his dick? Did you ever let him cum in your mouth? How often did you let him go down on you.

Does he think you came every time (or almost) you had sex?

How good was to have sex with him?

What happened the night you stayed with him until 5AM (that you said you slept in the car)

How does it feel to be with a rich man?

Did you and him used to walk holding hands?

Did you feel proud walking with him? For what reason? (he is handsome/ he is in charge, etc…)

He told Tamara that you had had sex with girls. Did you and him ever talk about doing that?

Did you tell him about any of our 3somes and swing club? Did you or him ever mentioned the existence of a swing club in [our city]?

Did he ever give ANY gift to you? Did you give any to him?

When I was in Miami, is it true that you didn’t go anywhere with him other than the game and restaurant?

Did you act like his girlfriend around town? Where and around who?

Did he introduce you to others as his “girlfriend”?

Did you feel like you were a “trophy” girl to him? Did you feel he was a “trophy” to you? Why?( Why yes or why no)

Did you ever go out of town with him? Where, when, why, what did you do?

Did he ever meet my kids? Did you meet his (the ogre)?

Did you ever tell him about how much money I make, our financial problems, or anything like that?

How did you interact with him at the dart games after you decided to not leave me? (Any touching, talking, what subjects of conversation, any reference to the affair, or things you used to do or places you went)

Were you and him open about being together at the games?

Do you think he has a fancy car?

Did he ever drove fast with you in the car? (did you ever thought “he is going too fast”, or told him to drive slower)

Did he ever carried his gun on him (his body, concealed)? Did he ever had it in his car? Have you ever seen his gun?

What kinda clothes did he use after work? How did you like it?

======================================================

 

Thanks yall!

I had questions and he wouldn't answer them. The OW kept trying to get in touch with me. At a weak moment I gave in and asked her questions about the A. Now i regret it because I can't get the pictures out of my mind. Be careful what you ask for. Good luck

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I really am trying not to be harsh all the time, but after reading horrible back stories (including yours), Its a little difficult, so, I have a few questions for you if you dont mind.

 

Why did you force your wife to cuckhold you with this same married guy?

Didn't you ask these same questions then?

Did you enjoy being cuckholded?

Since you stated in a previous post that your wife didn't enjoy sex, why did you force

3somes, swinger parties and a alternative lifestyle on her?

Are these questions part of your cuckhold fantasy?

Why did you kill sex for your wife?

Why aren't you looking in the mirror and asking questions of yourself?

 

Most importantly, What the hell is the matter with you?

 

I know, I know, what's agreed upon in a open relationship is different from cheating, but YOU clearly made this bed, so I will give my opinion on who is the better man'

 

NEITHER OF YOU

 

Dear Sir,

 

First of all, there is a timeline to everything. If you take things out of the timeline, you will make wrong conclusions. Just like you did.

As this is a support forum, I recommend you to find a "judgment" forum. When we have nothing good to say, silence is gold.

 

Thank you for your time, anyways.

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I post on here because I want people to be kind to each other. I also want people to save themselves from unnecessary heartache and uncertainty.

 

OP, you should know what to do here. Remove yourself from this situation and quit torturing yourself.

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That's what I'm wondering. Some of these guys have major problems.

 

Encourage a woman to sleep with other men and then want to mentally beat her up for "cheating".

 

Find a girl with an active sexual past, make her his girlfriend and then mentally torture her because he's crazy.

 

These guys are mentally abusive and don't deserve to be in a relationship with any woman. I'm not sure why a woman would tolerate this crap from them.

 

You seems to be implying that a girl with an active sexual past is someone not to be trusted in a marriage? And then expect that from her, is mental abuse?

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SammySammy
You seems to be implying that a girl with an active sexual past is someone not to be trusted in a marriage? And then expect that from her, is mental abuse?

 

You knew your wife was having sex with other men. You encouraged it. You participated in it. To now act like you're so emotionally distraught that you can't feel better unless you tear her down is abusive. That's what I'm saying.

 

What you and deadelvis are doing to these women is cruel.

Edited by MidKnightDreams
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Many of your questions are about the how and where and when and I don't think anyone can fault you for wanting to understand the breadth and scope of an affair.

 

Then there are questions about sexual appetite and positions, and practically you are asking her if his cum tasted better than yours. I personally do not think this is about "secrets", it is about "privacy" EVEN if you thought you wanted to know, and I don't think you should want to, I am in the camp that says you do not necessarily have the RIGHT to know.

 

Do you feel obliged to tell your spouse you masturbate? Do you have to tell her with which hand? How you do it? Who you fantasize about? I hope not. Those are private thoughts. And although an infidelity bears with it a level of secrecy, there are still some things which are private.

 

Then there are questions which are about meaning. These are in fact important questions. But a question about meaning isnt easy to get. Often the other person cannot answer them themselves. They take time, they take care, they take trust, and they have layers. Perhaps you are not - either of you - emotionally ready to address these questions.

 

My 2 cents worth.

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Friskyone4u

I am a little mixed up here. It seems like you agreed to some sort of non monogamy with your wife, then changed you mind but she would not stop. Just not sure.

 

The real issue is that if you are to reconcile and she is still violating the agreements that you made, or even if she is not, if she is the WW here she owes you explanations to anything you want to know. That is your decision and if she has any interest in you healing and this marriage continuing she needs to come clean and rebuild on trust. Keeping you clueless on things that are important to you is not acceptable.

 

Yes you probably made mistakes, but she is gtryin g to rug sweep at best and if you are the betrayed she does not get to make the rules.

 

As other have said, you may find answers to some of these questions painful to say the least but that is your call and you accept responsibility for the pain you will endure.

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