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Husband Cheated, so I did too


YoungSweetie

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YoungSweetie

My husband cheated on me physically with 5 prostitutes during our first year of marriage. He admitted to it last year (we're going on our 5th year of marriage) but I have a secret, too. When I found out I was crushed. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I moved out for 3 months. During that time I developed relationships outside of him. I started texting and calling these guys I was close with. I sent nude pics to them, they sent nudes to me, and we had phone sex. I really can't get the feeling of wanting revenge out of my head.

 

Has anyone else struggled with being cheated on and wanting them to know how it felt? Or just wanting to get revenge secretly?

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This is going to blow up in your face. Now you are no better than him. All the hurtful feelings you felt are pointless now. He lost his honor and now, so did you. What do you think you accomplished? Since he told you, now you have to tell him.

 

Good luck with that.

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TaraMaiden2

I get you must have been hurting but the course of action you followed really wasn't terribly adult or mature.

 

Frankly, his cheating was despicable.

The best form of revenge would be to drop him like a hot brick, and live your life well and happy.

 

Truly, getting revenge is a short-lived, bitter-sweet feeling and will do nothing to heal the wound or relieve the pain.

I really don't suppose you feel very good about yourself right now, do you...?

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What your husband did was wrong, and must have hurt terribly, but beware of acting on that desire for revenge.

 

Revenge is very corrosive to the self.

 

You might become someone you don't want to be.

 

Why are you still together?

 

Is there something that makes the marriage worthwhile?

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YoungSweetie
What your husband did was wrong, and must have hurt terribly, but beware of acting on that desire for revenge.

 

Revenge is very corrosive to the self.

 

You might become someone you don't want to be.

 

Why are you still together?

 

Is there something that makes the marriage worthwhile?

 

We are still together because I love him. I know I have acted selfishly and immaturely after he told me about the infidelity. I am deeply in love with him regardless of the fact that I've been doing the wrong thing. I keep telling myself that my cheating was not as bad as his because I never had sex with another man.

 

The only things that makes the marriage worthwhile are love and social expectations.

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TaraMaiden2
We are still together because I love him. I know I have acted selfishly and immaturely after he told me about the infidelity. I am deeply in love with him regardless of the fact that I've been doing the wrong thing. I keep telling myself that my cheating was not as bad as his because I never had sex with another man.

 

The only things that makes the marriage worthwhile are love and social expectations.

You state you love him; you ARE in love with him.

 

Someone who loves you doesn't sleep with hookers.

 

I honestly think you two should dedicate yourselves to couples counselling.

 

And yes.

You absolutely DO have to tell him about your actions.

 

If you guys are in love, you have a pretty negative way of showing it....

 

Cheating?

Revenge?

Not words ever found in a loving couple's vocabulary....

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TaraMaiden2
....

 

The only things that makes the marriage worthwhile are love and social expectations.

 

Not so.

 

The things that make marriage worthwhile are Respect, Trust and Communication.

 

'Love' is the element those three qualities, nurture.

 

Social expectations are irrelevant.

 

The only 'expectations' you should both be meeting, are each others'.

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We are still together because I love him. I know I have acted selfishly and immaturely after he told me about the infidelity. I am deeply in love with him regardless of the fact that I've been doing the wrong thing. I keep telling myself that my cheating was not as bad as his because I never had sex with another man.

 

The only things that makes the marriage worthwhile are love and social expectations.

 

I say this with respect, but both of you need to deepen your understanding of what love is.

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I'm pretty open minded to people making mistakes. Sometimes people screw up big time. We are all human. Cheating is usually a deal breaker for many though I know many married couples that have survived it.

 

 

The did so by accepting the others persons apology and letting it go. They didn't continue to harbor anger and resentment that led to revenge. If you couldn't let go of what he did, the mature thing would of been to divorce him and find someone else.

 

 

Relationships are never on solid ground when there's this much anger, resentment and revenge are involved.

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Space Ritual
We are still together because I love him. I know I have acted selfishly and immaturely after he told me about the infidelity. I am deeply in love with him regardless of the fact that I've been doing the wrong thing. I keep telling myself that my cheating was not as bad as his because I never had sex with another man.

 

The only things that makes the marriage worthwhile are love and social expectations.

 

No you are not in love with him. You just would rather stick with the Devil You know so you can justify the whole revenge cheating scenario. Please do yourself a favor and seek some therapy and get out of this toxic environment.

Realize you are a better person than having to resort to such escapades. You seem to be literally sticking around for Spite, not love. while I understand that, I think you can do much better for yoruself. Good Luck.

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YoungSweetie

You're all right. We just to divorce each other and move on. Thanks for your help!

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You don't need to Divorce Young Sweetie, just stop hurting each other, be honest and fix it. If you cant then you cant, but this is not the way. Everyone understands revenge, but look at what happens. Stop. Breathe. Start over. Have a good 4th and be at peace soon.

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YS

 

A few questions:

 

Why did he cheat ?

What made him confess ?

Is he remorseful ?

Do you have children?

Was your marriage good before he confessed to cheating?

 

Finally - NEVER send nude pics of yourself to anyone. It's not a sensible thing to do and you never know whose hands they can get into. They've also been used to blackmail people time and time again .

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You're all right. We just to divorce each other and move on. Thanks for your help!

 

A man who feels the need to visit 5 prostitutes in the first year of marriage is not committed to the marriage.

He has some issues with commitment, and is that someone you wish to be the father to your children?

 

He put your health at risk there by cheating and may even have compromised your fertility in the process.

Please get an STD check, infected women can be asymptomatic, but some infections can ruin your fertility, so do a test now.

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My husband cheated on me physically with 5 prostitutes during our first year of marriage. He admitted to it last year (we're going on our 5th year of marriage) but I have a secret, too. When I found out I was crushed. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I moved out for 3 months. During that time I developed relationships outside of him. I started texting and calling these guys I was close with. I sent nude pics to them, they sent nudes to me, and we had phone sex. I really can't get the feeling of wanting revenge out of my head.

 

Has anyone else struggled with being cheated on and wanting them to know how it felt? Or just wanting to get revenge secretly?

 

It would have been much simpler to discuss your feelings to him in front of a marriage counselor. Two wrongs don't make it right, it just exasperates the situation with guilt.

 

I think it would be fair to just settle this with counseling to get it all out in the open so you don't have to carry this around with you. Then you can rebuilt your marriage on a stronger foundation.

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Sorry but who knows what other secrets he has. If you don't have kids, make sure you won't have them in this marriage and especially not with your husband; I too vote pro-divorce because doing it now at the 5-year-mark is a lot easier than at the 20-year-mark. Also, get STD tested.

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drifter777

Some might say that getting revenge by cheating on him is wrong. Or that your urge to punish him isn't healthy. I say do whatever you need to do to recover from his betrayal. To me, the best punishment is divorce. There is something that feels right about that:mad: and ending the relationship is justice. It seems to help the betrayed spouse heal faster then trying to reconcile.

 

Follow your heart and do what you know is right.

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YoungSweetie

For the record, I was tested immediately after finding out. He was also tested. We are both perfectly healthy with no physical consequences of his actions.

 

He admitted his infidelities because he said he felt too guilty to continue to hide it from me. We had problems having sex because I was a virgin and was only able to give oral sex for almost a year; that's why he slept with prostitutes. He was used to having sex with women who were more experienced than I was and it made him feel emasculated that he could not give me orgasms through sex. All of this is what he said, but I have no way of knowing if it is true or not.

 

We both have a lot to learn about love, obviously. I think everyone does. People change and relationships change. Marriage is really hard. We got married when I was only 20 and he was 27. There really is no line by line guide for how it turns out. I'll learn from this and keep on keepin on.

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technically its an open marriage? hmm, prostitutes don't really have any emotional attachment. no texting or sexting. you pay up have sex and its done. you didn't know her, she didn't know you kinda ONS.

but the point there is he came out and told you. so are you gonna tell your husband about your, fling or ONS. technically its not an affair yet no emotional attachment? marriage can still work, if you come out truthful.

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There are some kinds of cheating that are really Fkd up. Cheating in a marital bed, cheating and bearing a child and hiding it, cheating with a BS close relative.

I think cheating on a virgin bride is right up there.

I usualy am all for disclosure. Not to sure on this one. Do what you got to do YS.

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ladydesigner

(((YoungSweetie))) I get it. I did the exact same thing you did. I had a RA right after my WH's first indiscretion. I thought what is good for the goose must be good for the gander. Not :p

 

Anyhoo long story short, it did make me feel better in terms of 'getting back at WH' even though that is not the correct way to do things. What my RA did do was it put us on a level playing field in which now my WH could use this info against me. We have a lot of arguments where we are both left blaming our A's on each other and it is not right.

 

Like the other folks here say it is best to leave. Hindsight is always 20/20.

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For the record, I was tested immediately after finding out. He was also tested. We are both perfectly healthy with no physical consequences of his actions.

 

He admitted his infidelities because he said he felt too guilty to continue to hide it from me. We had problems having sex because I was a virgin and was only able to give oral sex for almost a year; that's why he slept with prostitutes. He was used to having sex with women who were more experienced than I was and it made him feel emasculated that he could not give me orgasms through sex. All of this is what he said, but I have no way of knowing if it is true or not.

 

We both have a lot to learn about love, obviously. I think everyone does. People change and relationships change. Marriage is really hard. We got married when I was only 20 and he was 27. There really is no line by line guide for how it turns out. I'll learn from this and keep on keepin on.

 

Here's your problem. Your virginity is no excuse for not having PIV for over a year. There are dialators to help with issues of being a virgin and not being able to have sex. Please read "His Needs Her Needs" with him - even if this relationship is over you will want to better understand the difference between men and women.

 

Yes you emasculated him... you can not really understand how important it is for men (particularly young men with less life experience) to be able to sexually please their spouses. It is his issue - but it is also yours because he is your husband.

 

So he made some very poor choices, and it didn't resolve his needs that were not getting met by you. you made poor choices and it didn't improve your relationship.

 

Please work with him and both of you should try to better understand each others point of view. both of you are behaving like children and only seeing your own issues. You let your virginity deprive your husband and yourself of a great beginning of your marriage. He let his marriage suffer through his selfish actions.

 

Look at life through each others eyes. This book will help. Read and discuss and you will be surprised by what you learn.

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Artie Lang

i might might be wrong, but if you moved out- supposing you two were "separated" -i don't see how that was cheating on your part.

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Here's your problem. Your virginity is no excuse for not having PIV for over a year.

 

Yea bro, it actually is. You have either never been with a virgin or you are pretty small. She waited for 22 years and he couldnt wait 1? Thats a stupid mistake.

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Yea bro, it actually is. You have either never been with a virgin or you are pretty small. She waited for 22 years and he couldnt wait 1? Thats a stupid mistake.

 

 

Uhhh "bro" - No it isn't. I'm actually very large so I know WTF I am talking about. It takes dilators and time to stretch the vagina, but it is a very flexible organ and extends when aroused. Progressive stretching - 1 finger, then 2, then 3 (then 4 in my case) - at her pace - will make it possible to engage in PIV sex. It should be done very slowly - a few minutes at most at first - and progressively from there. In a few weeks to a few months you are there.

 

I am 6" girth which is the same as Peter North (yeah, I'm a lot older and that's my porn star reference).

 

So a year is a very long time and not necessary to get past this issue.

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