I4givehim Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Which one is worse? A one night stand or a 1 yr A. I ask myself would I have forgiven my H for a drunk one night stand... The 1 yr A has so many lies & betrayal..... This is what my life has come to. Making choices of A..... ugh!! How did I get here Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I thought you were getting a divorce? (I recall you making a thread in the D section) If you are not actively divorcing, I suggest you not comb through or relive the sorrid details of the A. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I4givehim Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 I thought you were getting a divorce? (I recall you making a thread in the D section) If you are not actively divorcing, I suggest you not comb through or relive the sorrid details of the A. Oh I am getting a DIVORCE..... I can never trust him again. I just think if it was a one night stand would I have gotten over it. Is a one night stand less painful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Oh I am getting a DIVORCE..... I can never trust him again. I just think if it was a one night stand would I have gotten over it. Is a one night stand less painful. I would think that the answer to this would depend on, well, who is answering. For some people, a ONS would be the ultimate slap - they risked everything for one romp with a stranger?? For others, an actual "relationship" would be devastating. No two people are the same. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Oh I am getting a DIVORCE..... I can never trust him again. I just think if it was a one night stand would I have gotten over it. Is a one night stand less painful. Probably not. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Everyone will have their own opinion of that but I believe a ONS, while still infidelity, may not be less painful that a one year affair to the BS, but there probably would be a better chance of reconciliation in most cases. A one year affair obviously involves multiple instances of lying, deceiving, physical betrayal, and even emotional abuse of the BS. A one night stand involves multiple poor decisions usually packed into a very short time period, possibly fueled by alcohol or encouragement from friends. A lot of literature actually says that most ONS are not even discovered if that is what they remain. There will be those that have stayed married after one year affairs and those that divorced after a ONS. That is because every betrayed person has a different feeling on infidelity and its consequences. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Before I was married I always said that I could probably forgive a single drunken mistake. To me an on-going affair is worse because it's so much more deliberate & repeated. That is not to say the ONS wouldn't hurt. It's more like do you want to get shot with a .22 or a .357 magnum? Both can kill you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 to me, a ONS type of affair is actually much worse. i can understand an affair if there were emotions involved... i can understand if my partner falls in love with someone else, develops feelings for someone else and if it results in an affair due to my partner's inability to deal with the situation in a healthy way. but to hurt me, to put me and our entire relationship at risk for a simple f@ck? like, i meant so little to someone that they couldn't keep it in their pants for one night, one moment...? THAT... i cannot understand. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 The affair in my mind would be worse. I think for me the only way to really forgive and let go is to walk away. I tried for years with my xW and I failed. She did all the things cheaters do and I was the idiot for staying. I can say honestly I will never make that mistake again. OP Good for you for getting a divorce. Its never worth the pain to stay. Clay 6 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 My WW had ONS with one guy and 1 month live-in f**k-fest with another guy. No difference to me. We stayed together because I was weak and stupid. I'd like to think that an ongoing sneaky affair would have been a deal breaker but I can't know for sure. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 In some ways it very much depends on how the WS behaves after the fact. A ONS I might forgive, but only if I honestly believed the alcohol impaired his judgment. As my H barely drinks , that excuse wouldn't fly with me at all. One might accept a ONS was a mistake , but you don't make a mistake over a year or more. Even if there was no alcohol in a ONS , if the realisation of what a WS had done hit them and it was pricking their conscience, then one might be more forgiving. The 'moment of madness ' excuse could be acceptable, but I wouldn't accept the 'months or years of madness '. OP - I think in your case from recollection , your H was blaming you, saying you weren't there for him , while you were working two jobs supporting the family . So whether it was one night or a year , his blameshifting showed a total lack of remorse. Deceit over a whole year, then having the impudence to say HE'S forgiven YOU for not being there. There is no doubt you're on the right path. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I think both can be devastating, because being true to a partner sexually, is one of the basic pillars of the marriage. Remove that, then the other pillars, trust and loyalty are shaken and the house comes tumbling down. In a one night stand scenario, I am loathe to believe is was all about the alcohol, yes alcohol lowers inhibitions and alcohol filled situations tend to provide opportunity, but I feel temptation is usually pushing against an open door. Those that want to cheat, cheat and those who do not want to cheat, say "No thanks", and stagger off home. So whilst a ONS can all be put down to a "moment of madness", with both partners choosing to think of it as a blip, I believe it is of greater significance, than some would like to admit. Once a person strays into ONS territory, where can they be trusted to go? They have been shown to be capable of sleeping with a stranger. That fact, in truth, opens up so many opportunities for deception... So whilst the EA -> PA route is hurtful and devastating, there is one woman involved and the situation can be somewhat "controllable" and predictable from the position of the BS. A person capable of sleeping with a stranger is a wild card and a maverick and may be capable of anything, so the situation is not "controllable" nor predictable from the position of the BS. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 FYI, if you haven't divorced (read: filed, moved out, then finalized), then you have stayed with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Personally I don't see the difference. Infidelity, no matter how long or with whom, crosses a line. And you can never ever take that step back. But everyone is different in that regard, some have 0-tolerances like me, others let their husband do what they want - "as long as he's mine at home". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Once that hard boundary has been crossed, I don't see a huge difference. I guess it's up to each person to judge. For me cheating is totally unacceptable & there's never a valid reason for it. By cheating I mean having sexual contact with someone else. Someone people have flexible morals & situational integrity. Those people tend to rationalize bad things they to & seem to find unending excuses for their behaviors. People like that are not a good fit for those who take commitment & vows seriously. The high road is the easiest path in the end, compared to the chaos & drama the low road seems to end in. Unfortunately the world seems to packed with selfish cake eaters. I'd immediately dump any cheater, no matter what the circumstances. It's a simple matter of not rewarding bad behavior & having a healthy amount of self love & respect. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Is a one night stand less painful. Somewhat counter-intuitively, a friend of mine whose marriage fell apart after his wife's ONS said it was more debilitating than a LTA. He felt she'd given away so much for so little in return that he could never trust her again. In his words, "I'm scared to have a pizza delivered to the house"... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 This comes down to a matter of values and set of behaviors and character indicators you find more repugnant. For a drunken ONS, that means your WS irresponsible, weak-willed, has trouble controlling their alcohol and indulges in reckless and irresponsible behavior when drinking. It also means they have poor impulse control and are unable to see consequences beyond their immediate gratification. If someone has an ongoing affair, that means that they are into the other person to one degree or another and have chosen to lie and deceive you in order to develop their R with this other person. it may also mean that they are in love with this other person and may be making plans to leave you for them. Or it may also mean that they are planning on two-timing indefinitely to maintain security and stability with you, but having their fun and frivolity with the AP. So which is "worse" depends on your own personal values and which you think is a worse character flaw in your WS. Do you think it is a worse character flaw in them to be impulsive, irresponsible, weak-willed and of low moral character? Or do you think it is worse if they are knowingly dissatisfied with you but will intentionally enter into a relationship with someone else and nuture and develop that relationship over time while deceiving you into thinking it is business as usual? Pick your poison. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
i am gutted Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 My WW had ONS with one guy and 1 month live-in f**k-fest with another guy. No difference to me. We stayed together because I was weak and stupid. I'd like to think that an ongoing sneaky affair would have been a deal breaker but I can't know for sure. hi Drifter.......why say you were weak and stupid? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Somewhat counter-intuitively, a friend of mine whose marriage fell apart after his wife's ONS said it was more debilitating than a LTA. He felt she'd given away so much for so little in return that he could never trust her again. In his words, "I'm scared to have a pizza delivered to the house"... Mr. Lucky I think your friend is on the money. If your wife has a LTA with her 6'3", bodybuilder, sports car-driving, CEO from her firm, you can kind of tell yourself that as long as she doesn't encounter another CEO that is a bodybuilding, 6'3" owner of Ferrari, you should be ok. But on the other hand if your wife goes out with some friends one nights and scores in the men's room of the pub with some dude, you'll never be able to explain that away that it couldn't happen again. Whether it is anywhere accurate or not, with a LTA you can kind of fool yourself into thinking it was something specific in the AP that attracted her/him and that as long as they don't encounter someone with exactly those traits anymore, things might be ok. With a ONS it is all about the impulsivity and irresponsibility and weak character of the WS. Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I have been through both scenarios in two different M and neither is better. Betrayal is betrayal. The factoring point in all of this is the WS and the story behind it. We all have a limit as to how much we can deal with and whether or not we want to accept it and push towards rebuilding the M or just trash the M all together. Neither is easier. The person who swore to love honor and cherish us decided to disrespect the vows. Whether it was over the course of a year or 1 night.... Bottom line it was one time too many. Stab me once...stab me a hundred times...doesn't matter...you did it...and your intention was??? Then the next question is who the **** did I marry and how is it that you are capable of this? This calls for a lot of IC. Never should have happened. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Obvious to you possibly. Everyone is different, and cheating is always a choice, never a "mistake," like accidentally burning the rolls. I agree. My H had a 3-4 month A and tried to say it was a mistake. I have to disagree, a mistake is not something you do over and over again. He doesn't say that anymore, probably because of my reaction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Cheaters call it a mistake to minimize, simple as that. A minor gas lighting attempt, because they have a personal problem with the thought of their ONS/A being their own choice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 hi Drifter.......why say you were weak and stupid? I was afraid to start over alone and stupid enough to believe I would get over it in time. Worst mistake of my life. I will never forgive myself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 both are bad. I can't make you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I4givehim Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I was afraid to start over alone and stupid enough to believe I would get over it in time. Worst mistake of my life. I will never forgive myself. I am scared to death about starting all over with 3 young children. I know time heals all wounds but I feel so alone. Will time heal loneliness. Pray for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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